thoughts and more thoughts

We are all getting tripped up trying to think up of a good name for our company. As unreal as it seems to me, it looks like we are really going to take the plunge. What started as a joke is fast becoming a reality. Oh great! i am going to become the business-woman-of-the-year some years from now!! We are going to rake in the moolah. It sure is fun to be so ignorant of the pitfalls that wait for us on the way to success.

On a culinary high, for the first time in my life i prepared chagem pomba - one of my fave manipuri dishes. My sister came back from home loaded with things - veggies, hawaizar, soibum, nga ayaiba and whatnots. Following the instructions from mom dear on the phone, i attempted the dish and got it right!! It tastes just like the way Ema cooks it - ok, not quite like it but very, very close! Which made me very happy. The fridge is stuffed with ingredients for eromba and we are going to gorge and thrive on pure manipuri food for some days to come. Bliss!

And work. i have been toying with the idea of leaving the job - but not quite been able to cut the umblical cord. i love this project, am getting too attached to it which makes me feel i should leave. But then i worry about how things would be without me - concieted bitch that i am.

Life is so funny at times that you forget to laugh.

football, business and other unrelated things

The final of the football match. We were hoping for both of our teams to make it to the final – that would have ensured a tension-free final. But alas, the football god was not with us. Only one team made it.

Of course, i had to go to cheer the team – considering how conceited i am, it is expected of me to think the whole world would collapse if not for my benign presence. The match started and i started my shout-jump-chew dupatta-pull hair out routine. But all my cheer-leading skill was not able to make the team score. The match went into a penalty shootout. Nothing doing. Sudden death. Nothing doing. And, such is the tragedy of my life that, after hours spent screaming and generally behaving like one of the football hooligans (not to speak of frayed dupattas!), our team lost in the toss!! They actually tossed a coin to decide the winner! Can you beat that?

We actually went ahead and talked to the company whose franchisee we are planning to open. We are undecided about the name of our company. And we fought over the posts - chairman, CEO and MD. And we realised we didn't even know who was more powerful!! Ha ha..Chale teen bandar business karne!! We might become bankrupt but then, how will we ever find out if we don't try. We are now in the process of searching for a place to rent.

There is an "management" event on saturday - lunch-cocktail dinner party thingy - at one of the best clubs in the city. i got the invitation today - the MD and president of our company is going to "show" us the path - but i have told p-da that i am declining the invitation. i am just not interested in going there, trying to make an impression or listen to them drone on about what our vision, goal omuk tomuk. And that too on a weekend. No way. No brownie points for me. i might be blacklisted but i just don't care. i have decided that i don't want to go up any further up the corporate ladder - i have no patience for their high sounding words which ultimately translate into nothing. i would rather do my job well, make sure the deliverable are excellent. Nothing more. Nothing less. i have no desire to spend 12 hours cosseted with them. As i was telling SC, i have a great desire to be sacked. Even if i wanted to quit, they would try to bribe me into staying. i asked him whether i would be fired if i were to go on saturday, get drunk and start dancing on the MD's table. He said it was unlikely they would sack me even then. Oh hell. How does one get around to getting fired?

the start of a new era

SM, SC and i have decided to collaborate and start our own business. It all started off as a joke. Since SM is earning in dollars, we keep telling him to help SC and me start our own restuarant. We discarded that idea. Then we came up with the idea of starting a book store. Discarded again. Now we are thinking of owning a franchisee. We are so excited about it. Now it remains to be seen whether we can actually get this going.

Out of our two teams in the semis-one made it to the final. Hoorey!!

the ball game

Back home after cheering the team to a win in the quarter-finals.

i am not a football fan. It is a game i don't follow - i can never figure out the fouls and corner worner. i can watch cricket and tennis because i know the rules - well, the basic at least. But football - no.

There is a football league going on - for which they cancelled the word power event i was so looking forward to win. Our project fielded three teams. SC has been after me to go and watch the matches. i refused. But his nagging skills being of legendary proportion, i was forced to give in. i warned him that it was not going to be pretty - i am given to shouting my lungs out and jumping like an idiot when i go to games, even ones i don't follow! He said fine, we will shout together.

So there i was, the lone female on the football ground, screaming my lungs out -GO, GO whenever one of our team members even ventured near the ball; OHHHHH SHITTTTTT whenever a goal was missed; clutching my head in agony when the opponent scored; jumping up and down clapping like crazy when our team scored. Looking at me, you would have thought football is my life!

Today was the quater-finals. Out of our three teams, two have made it this far - no thanks to my cheering skills! There were at least some other "birds" of my feather, oops..gender today. But they were so prim and propah - they were all watching from behind the wall while yours truly climbed up a ladder to get to the ground and stood at the sidelines ready to roll up non-existent sleeves and join in should a fight break out.

i jumped, shouted, jumped and shouted, clutched head, chewed my dupatta and made such a ruckus that i think everyone was looking at me - or so i would like to believe! Inspite of my over zealous cheering, the team did not score and there was a tie-break. i cheered so loudly when the other team missed that i am scared one of them might trip me tomorrow in the office! The score stood 1-1 after three shots. And then - sudden death. When the opponent missed, you should have heard us!! And when we scored, we invaded the field. Mairi, it was fun.

The second team is going to play at around 8 - must have started now - so SC and i left. Enough cheering for one day. i threatened one of the kids that i would assign some mean task tomorrow if they lose!! i am so nice it makes me want to cry.

300

(One of my fave pictures i have sketched on iPhone.)

What does it takes to make one happy? Happiness – what is it? This emotion – how do you define it? Is it the absence of sadness? Or a state of mind when everything looks and feels good? When i say i am happy, what exactly do i mean???

So yesterday, after office, i decided to go and buy some chicken for dinner – no, not from Mac – from the neighborhood maangso (meat) shop. Then i remembered that i have less than 100 bucks with me. This thought made me so happy – ok, one more proof that i am not normal. i checked my wallet - which is pointless given that it is the last place where i put money! My bag is as unorganized as me – that is another story. Coming back to the current story, i rummaged and counted and found that i had just about enough money for the rickshaw fare and about 700g of chicken!! This made me so happy – the fact that i did not have enough money to buy even one 1kg of meat! Somehow, it made me feel so human, so happy knowing that i had to count and re-count the money to make sure i had enough.

i have decided not to go to the ATM and survive with just a few bucks. Do you think something is wrong with me – i mean, is it normal to feel this happy about not having something? You would expect the opposite. But then, i am not normal by any yardstick.

And this is my 300th post. i am old now – 300 posts old. Ancient.

cribbing--no, i am not

i won’t do a “depressed” post today. Which is tough going by the state of my mind. And i find i don’t have any topic in mind. Which would mean that apart from cribbing i don’t have much of a life.

i am going through a mid-life crisis, i think. When, all of a sudden, nothing seems good to me. i am so distracted all the time. By the hints of possibilities. But, as usual, i refuse to open the door when opportunities knock. Why am i so laid back?

What do i want? God, what do i want?? Oh god, there i go again…..

OK, ok….books. Let me talk about books. i am reading “Cancer Ward” right now – see, even my choice of book is depressing. It is by the Russian author whose name i cannot pronounce. It is an old book – i think we bought it from a second shop some 100 years back. It was his choice, surprisingly. Apart from those Oracle Woracle books, he does not read. So i don’t know why he bought it. Anyways, this book has been lying on the shelf for so long, it has sprouted roots – i didn’t read it because i was not the one who picked it (???!!) and i somehow found the cover depressing – now i know why they said you should not judge a book by its covers. Since i ran out of books, i was searching for one i could re-read when i found this one all dusty and unwanted – which also speaks a lot about my housekeeping skills.

And i love this book.

i have not finished “hundred years of solitude”. It is the kind of book you want to continue reading and hoping it won’t end – and since it is very unlikely to happen that way, i stopped reading before i could come to the end. i know, i know, i sound silly. But i want to start reading it again right from the beginning after say, 2 years – if i am still alive – and then stop halfway. One unfinished story i would take to my grave.

i feel like cribbing again so i shall end this post.

when life beckons,
do you rush into its arms?
or do you stand prim and proper,
tied to your obligations?
tell me, do you dream too?
Do you gather feathers
to weave yourself wings?
do you collect your tears
to water your withered dreams?

the D word

After what seems like ages, i chatted with S. He is in India right now for his Visa. The last time we talked was last year when i visited the States. After that, we dropped out of each others' lives. This has always been the way with us - we can spend years not in touch and when we meet/chat again, it is like we have never been apart from each other. He is someone i like talking to because he is the one person who would always tell me the harsh truths.

He is someone who taught me that i do not have to accept everything; the one who made me feel that being stubborn and selfish is ok.

S told me his sister is getting divorced. Of course, my first reaction was "A divorce?!!". And then i told him how just typically middle class was my reaction. As if getting a divorce is a smear on one's character. He told me she tried and after 5 years of trying she decided she had enough. i admire her strength. Of having the courage to decide that enough is enough, that devoting 5 years of your life to a relationship does not mean that you have to endure it for a lifetime.

It takes guts to untie the knots, to unglue the memories, to undo the vows. It takes guts to walk away with your dignity intact.

And why is that people expect that once a woman gets married, she has to give up her dreams and live his and his family's dreams? Why is that they expect her to give the first priority to his parents before her own? i thought marriage was about building new ties, not about breaking old ties to foster new ties. Why is she expected to make all the sacrifices, all the compromises? Why is she supposed to merge her identity? Isn't marriage supposed to be a journey to be undertaken by two souls hand in hand, not a journey where the woman has to follow where the man leads?

interpretation of dreams

When i woke up this morning, i vividly remembered my dream – the faces, the scenes. In the dream i had yesterday, there was a fishing contest and i saw this Chinese team with a huge boat getting the fishing net ready. i can remember seeing the features and dresses of the people in the boat, the way the way went about hurling the huge net in the sea. It was so real.

And i was left wondering whether the people i see in my dreams are people my sub-conscious makes up or these are people i have seen somewhere – maybe in magazines or TV. None of the faces were familiar. Does that mean that the mind can “manufacture” people, even clothe them in the right attire for the situation in the dream?

The places i see in my recurring dreams – do they exist or does my mind make it up from the things i read? i dream quite frequently of this place – it is barren, hillocks scattered everywhere, not a soul in sight. And somehow, the place is so peaceful, i feel like i have arrived home.

Freud, where are you???

nostalgia and other dark thoughts

Home. The other day i pined for home. i am not the overtly nostalgic type. But when nostalgia attacks me, i am left reeling.

Home -open space, blue skies, Ema’s kitchen garden, the peaceful silence peppered with the singing of birds and the chattering of my little cousins, watching the birds fly home with my head on my mother’s lap, the lazy, unhurried meals with my family. Where the moments linger to catch a breath.

The home i knew – would it still be the same now that i am not the same anymore?

My home. My family. And thousand of miles away, here i am searching for meanings that just might not exist, chasing rainbows that lead to nowhere, with people i know and yet do not know.

And yet, the path to home has overgrown with thorns. i do not have the strength or will to cut through it and go back.

Here i am, with my nest in another world. The wings that brought me here would not flap to take me back. i have emerged from the cocoon – to still find myself a caterpillar.

Suddenly, i am so tired. Of this life. Of the meaning that eludes me. Of mundane worries that crease my forehead and crumple my sleep. i am tired of fighting - To defend my beliefs, my truths, my dreams. i want to let go – to let go of my sanity, drop by drop, thought by thought.

private dining experience

Private dining. i have often wondered what that means. Have seen many new restaurants with the tag “Private Dining”. Asked around but no-one had an answer,

Luckily for us, SM became a “mama”. The occasion gave me an opportunity to demand a treat from him. The good soul he is, he readily agreed. Since he is in US, he gave us a “long-distance” treat – meaning he transferred money and we went without him!!

We went to one of the places tagged with “Private Dining”. And it was quite an experience. The good was delicious and very, very expensive. And the service was what pleased me the most. We are so used to going to places where you really have to be talented to catch the waiter’s eye if you want something like say, extra cutlery or even water. Here, the waiters outnumbered us, i think! They would not even give us a chance to open the mineral water bottle. You reach out for the bottle and lo, a waiter would be at your side pouring the water!!

The most fun was the “cigarette-lighting” experience – and no, i don’t smoke. Every time one of the guys fished out a cigarette, a waiter would materilaise, seemingly out of nowhere, at his side with the lighter ready. They must have cigarette sensor or something because they did it without fail every single time. i was practically squealing in glee – i know i am so “dehati”!! i made the guys smoke cigarette after cigarette just for the sheer fun of seeing the waiter light the cigarette – reminded me of old English movies!

i guess they call it Private Dining for the sheer amount of attention they shower on you. Even though we could have gone out for lunch twice with the amount we shelled out, it was worth the money.

As public smoking has been banned, we would not go there anymore!

i managed to collect 4150/- for the Mali’s treatment. Which would be the biggest contribution from any project. See, i am so good at begging/demanding!

from behind the cloud...

i have not been able to synthesize even the hint of a smile the whole day. i am angry – with the world but mostly with myself. My voice sounds like it has poison laced with it – bitter and dark.

The “mali kaka” of our company is going to have an operation. They sent out a mail asking us to collect money from the team – it is optional but i have taken it upon myself to make sure everyone chips in at least something. So i have been going from desk to desk saying “Taka dao”. It is for a good cause so i don’t mind going around asking for money. Have managed to collect about 2K till now. Have about 30 more people to bug and extort money. This task has managed to lift my spirits a bit. i even managed to squeeze out a smile or two.

The end of another day. How many more such days left in my kitty, i wonder.

in the dark...

The one feature about i-Phone i like is “Sketches”. i spent the weekend “sketching” and quite loved the outcome.

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to smile.

i so wish i can exorcise the demons inside me. These feelings that claw at my innards, making me bleed, these ties that smother.

i pretend i am so strong. If only you could see me cry when the lights go off.

All questions no answer

My life is in limbo or whatever they call the state when you feel nothing. i am numb like someone applied an ice-pack on my brain or something. i seem to be sleepwalking through life. Everything is in a haze.

What is this feeling that overtakes me every now and then? A feeling i cannot seem to describe – of being lost in a known place, of not knowing the answers to what seems the simplest of questions on existence. i am here, in flesh and blood but i do not feel alive.

What does it take to live and not just exist? What does it take to rejuvenate old wings to take to the sky again? What does it take to wipe the dust off the dreams? What does it take not to ask too many questions?

:}

i am about to die of gluttony. Went out for lunch with SM, SC, T-da and P-da. SM is in town and this was a return-treat, a treat to wipe the slate clean of all the treats he has been giving us.

i should not have over-eaten. But i guess i am a pig – on top of being a bitch. All i need is now a pen where i can roll around in mud and squeak to my heart’s delight.

i feel like depression is in the air – i can feel it now like some people can sense approaching rain! i am in no mood to do anything. All i want to do is lie down in some corner, curl up and maybe fade away with the sunset.

Is it a scientific fact that the moon can influence on our moods? Ema says with the waxing and waning of the moon, i go mad. Maybe i was a rock on the moon in my previous birth.

i wish i were a vulture right now so i could snoop down and tear people to pieces. i think i am a psychopath with manic depression.

week-ending update

Yipeeeeeeeeeeeee! i won 200 Rs. worth of gift coupon in the tambola for Diwali held in the office today! Now i am eagerly awaiting the next event in November which is Word Power – which should be fun and easy; i would die of wounded pride if i don’t win it –so i can win more coupons and buy myself that recipe book.

It is so fun winning coupons!! One junior told me it is really commendable that i get a prize in almost all the events!

In the elevator yesterday, i noticed that SC, P-da and i wear the same pair of shoes everyday! We agreed that we are very poor people who cannot afford to have more than one pair of shoes – that too scuffed ones! Given my feet size and that i only wear flat shoes – not even the trace of a heel- i can hardly find any shoes i like. Plus it cannot be glittery in any way - it has to be plain and flat! Given my petite size, you would think i would wear heels/platforms but i shun them. Because at the end of the day, when i step down from those things, well, my height would be the same and i don’t want to have back problems later on. i cannot decide whether it is my vanity that makes me think i don’t need any adornment/embellishment. i feel that i look good just the way i am – no make-up, no jewellery. Just me in the skin i was born in. Hell, even my eyebrows are not threaded because i cannot figure out the logic/beauty of having perfectly arched eyebrows! Did i just hear somehow gasping in shock at this revelation?!

i think i am simply not bothered with how i look -well, most of the times. Sometimes i do behave a bit more human and care about how i look! Like when i go for the events – because my photo would be published on the intranet when i win!! Hee hee…

the devil in me

i don’t know how people manage to be so kind and generous all the time or at least make a pretence of it. He is that type – always trying to be nice to everyone. What did we ever see in each other, i wonder? Was it the we-complement each other factor given that we are as different as different can be. Or did we expect to mould the other to our ideas and ideals?

i think i do not have an ounce of niceness in me. The only time i am nice is when i want to be – does that count as niceness? i would never go out of my way to be nice to anyone. In fact, i suspect i go out of my way not to be nice. For me, i come first. Which is what vexes him and pretty much everyone associated with me. My philosophy is simple “ If i am not happy, i can never be able to make anyone else happy.”. Maybe twisted logic but then, i am twisted.

Do i plan to change? No, because i do not see anything wrong in it. My nature is such that if i am unhappy, i just cannot think of anyone else.

Maybe as i ripen (as if i am a papaya!), i might see the other side of the coin and become more human. Or maybe i will become worse with time and age. Pretty much like a spoilt papaya.

Like i say “Bhalo howar jono onek log royeche. Ami baje hote chai” (There are so many people who are good. i want to be bad.). i want to be evil.

----

i don’t want to love you
And yet, i cannot let go

This web we have spun
With threads of love and lust
Threatens to smother us

With love, we stepped into each other’s lives
With vows and promises never to be kept
As the mist lifts
And our sights clear
We face each other
With undisguised animosity
Trying to suppress the love that lies beneath

We wound with words
We wound with silence

We pretend to sleep
As we both toss and turn
In our own private hell

.....

This is the unfinished door to my bedroom in my flat, or as SC insists, my sister’s flat now that i don’t stay there anymore. This is the proof to what my sister assessment that i can never finish a job! Which is true. i get all enthusiastic about a project, will give it my all till i get bored. i had completed 4 door paintings and this was the last one i took up. Halfway through, i just lost the zeal. So now it stands as a living proof to the Jill-of-all-trades-mistress-of-none person that i am.

on wants/needs

Attended my first “Management Team” meeting yesterday. And realized how much more shit i have to deal with. Having to sit through 1 ½ hr long presentation, trying to make sense of it all – the business forecast, the ramp-up, the projects in pipeline. What did i get myself into? i am happier coding, (mis)guiding kids, playing the bully than listening to all theory-no practice preaching.

Which makes me think i am not ambitious at all. i am too laid back. Or maybe my priorities are different. If i ask myself what really i want in life, i know it is not climbing up the corporate ladder. i love my work but i am not too concerned about where i am in the pecking order. i guess i must be the only one in the whole company who has never asked for a salary raise or a promotion!

The big question – what do i want in life? i know for sure what i don’t want but i am finding it difficult to specify what i really want. i want to be happy – but happiness is such a tricky state of mind. i can be happy with just a book. Am i happy now? Yes. Will i be happy tomorrow? Depends. Materialistically speaking, if i ask myself what i want, i cannot think of anything. i cannot understand why i am so uninterested in clothes, jewellery or anything of that sort. i am no sanyasi - i just cannot understand this streak in me. i just am not interested.

But i want to travel and travel, i want to sky-dive again. i want to learn new recipes. i want to start making my candles again. i want to learn pottery and glass-painting. i want to learn kung-fu. And most of all, i want to sleep.

Of pampered love

Yahoo! He just called me up to say his father has got his US Visa approved. He went for the interview today. We have been coaching him the whole weekend. At first, he was over-confident that he would just go, present himself and they would happily hand over the Visa.

On my visits to the Consulate for stamping, i have witnessed parents being grilled. So we told him not to take it too lightly – we downloaded sample questions, took printout and made him read those. In the end, we managed to make him tense – to the extent that he even dreamed about the Visa interview!

i am so relieved now.

On a sillier note, he asked me to get up early today as they would leave around 8. Getting me to rise early is like asking a dog to fly – it is unnatural! In Imphal, people get up as early as 4 – OK, the sun rises earlier there but still, people are not sunflowers that they have to rise with the sun! His father gets up as early as 5 – which is like midnight for me. Because he is here, i wake up around 8 because i have to cook before going to office – when you actually think about it, i am sort of attaining the super-woman status - i cook, go to office, code, nag, bully and make sure the deliverables are delivered, go home and cook again! The day i get tired of it, i will complain. But till now, i am able to cope without feeling exerted.

God, how i digress. Anyway, i got sore with him because he said he would set the alarm for 6:50. i told him i would get up by 7:30 and get the breakfast ready and see them off by 8. He thought i was being uncaring and said i don’t have to get up and do anything. Bliss! I said fine and went off to sleep. He got up around 6:30 and i got up at 7:15 – prepared breakfast and they were done by 8. i had a good mind to pour the tea down his boxer! i think i am over-pampering him. The maximum of Indian men are pampered. And we women-folk are guilty of that. i do it out of love. Which is one of the stupidest excuses i have heard/made.

is that me?

speak and be damned!

His father is visiting us. And i guess that is making my mother worry. Yesterday, she told me " Don't make faces when he says anything you don't like. Behave nicely, treat him well. Don't behave the way you do at home.". i was like " stop it, stop it. Why are you telling me all this? ". And she told me she knows me too well - that i would sulk if anyone said anything. Oh ema. i told her i will go and start throwing the pots and pans.

My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.

This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.

i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.

There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".

Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.

Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.

Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.

Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.

kid-talk

One step up the corporate ladder. More power. More responsibility. And more shit to deal with.

i was asked to have a tête-à-tête with the kids. And so i did. And i realized that i am so good at giving advices! Because i am not the one at the receiving end. 

What i found re-assuring was that every single one of them said they have no issue; how good the work environment is and how helpful everyone is. One kid told me of how scared everyone is of me – because i can be really harsh sometimes. That had me in spilts. i told him i only bark but don't bite. But all of them said they don’t mind me giving them a piece of my mind sometimes. SM said the kids are buttering me up. Hell, i am no bread that they can butter – the only way to impress me is through their work. Which i made amply clear – that i don’t expect anything less than 100% from them and till i am satisfied with the quality of work, i am going to nag them.

Of course, i know i am unfair sometimes. Because i expect everyone to grasp everything at one-go. i hate repeating the same thing twice. This is something i need to change – i need to have more patience.

i hope i have been able to motivate the kids. i told them that anytime they have any issue, they can approach me, if they don’t like the way i deal with them, they can say that to my face.

i don’t know whether i like this role – i like the part of where i impart gyan and dole out advices. But i am not too sure i will like the part where i have to be politically correct and all that. i think i will stay my incorrect self and see the reactions.

my man

His project is going live tomorrow. And my man has been slogging. And i have been trying hard to be an understanding partner – which is so difficult for someone with my nature. But i try. i do try. God, i do, i do…

i cook, watch TV, surf the whole world wide web, scrub the tiles (once in a blue moon), read a bit – all the while with an eye on the clock. It is not like i don’t like being alone. It is just that i want to be with him more. i sound so much like one of those weepy, shirttail-clutching helpless females who cannot breathe when her man is not around. But it is more fun watching TV with him rather than alone – i cannot crib to the wall or the table about the silly plots. It is more fun reading when he is around.

The post is not actually about me. It is about him – how sweet this guy can be at times that i cannot help but pull out some more love from my cache and shower it on him. And it makes me realize why i fell in love with him in the first place.

He came home late last night. After exhausting myself surfing and surfing - watching cooking videos, digging out interesting blogs, i curled up and went off to sleep. i woke up when he whispered my name. i am at my grouchiest when woken up from sleep. i grumbled and mumbled and growled and refused to get up. Any other nice girl would have thought “my man must be tired; i should lay the table, feed him and put him to sleep, maybe massage his aching body”. Not this bitch. i just kept sleeping – rather trying to sleep. He tried to wake me up gently, asking me whether he should lay the table. i just growled back in reply. And then he sang to me “ Ankhen teri…neendh se bhari” and i could not resist laughing. i love this man. i love him.

another one of those posts

Another weekend gone. How many more do i have, i wonder? As i snuggled up to him yesterday evening, i suddenly felt sad thinking we would all die one day. i guess it was one of those moments when you feel so blessed that you are alive and with the one you love and any thought of the moment ending is unbearable.

i live as if i always have tomorrow to correct my mistakes, to shower my love on my loved ones. Don’t they say we should live as if today is our last day? i, somehow, am not able to feel that way. i feel like my life is forever. That tomorrow will always dawn for me.

Life begins to make more sense when you realize that there is no meaning to it. It just is. There is no heaven waiting for us. No hell to burn in. Heaven and hell – it is all here in this life. Whatever good i do, i do it because it makes me feel good. Not because i want to earn some brownie points. Whatever sins i commit, i do so without the fear that i would have hot rods stuck up in some unmentionable part of my anatomy after i die! i want to pay the price for my good and bad deeds here. In this lifetime.

When you really think about it, nothing matters. All the things that we worry about, the heartaches – nothing matters in the end. Maybe that is why i never care much about what other people say and do my own thing. And which is one thing about me that seems to irk everyone. That i care so less about their opinions. That i revel in doing just what i want – well, most of the time.

My thoughts are repetitive. i mean, you find the same strain in all the posts except those where i am documenting my love/fight-life; posting recipes or cribbing. But this is what i think about most of the time – when i sit there stone-faced in the bus or when i meditate in the loo – about life, what it is all about. Even when i know my thoughts don’t matter either. Life goes on – with or without my life-(un)changing thoughts.

messy gypsy

i am the queen of untidiness! If cleanliness is indeed godliness, i am the devil! He has been dropping hints - for me to tidy up my clothes. i hate folding clothes because i can never get it right. So i just stuff them inside the wardrobe and pray that they don't fall down when he opens it. When i pull them out, they look like they have been trampled by an elephant!

At last, after a thousand subtle and not-so-subtle hints, i decided to clean up. And i unearthed some clothes i have bought and have not even worn once - in fact i have some five salwar suits that have managed to stay virgin! i don't know why i even bother to buy new clothes - as it is, i only wear the ones on top of the pile.

Good lord, if only clothes could fold by themselves. i envy Eve. She never had to worry about folding clothes - well, at least until she got thrown out from Eden.

bliss

Back after the long-long-long break!

Day 1: As is wont to happen, we started off the holidays with a fight! A bit of door- slamming, wet-eyes and the make-up session. Purrfect start, i say! Kind of like letting off the steam in preparation of the long week ahead.

After we got past the mandatory fight, we ended up having a really good time. Most of it was spend in bed – watching movies on the laptop, watching serials and movies on TV and other such exciting exercises!

We even went pandal-seeing – we were too lazy to get out of the car and join the crowd to have a darshan of the goddess and her children. We just drove past the pandals, craning our necks to see the idols, lighting and the never dwindling crowd dressed to glory. We drove past the same pandal thrice – i think he lost his way. On the third round, i could not resist myself and told him gleefully we were driving around in circles, that we have passed the same mishti shop thrice!

i insisted on going for a long drive – he indulged me. So we drove to the other end of the city – i have never been there and I wanted to see what it was like. i was expecting the place to be green and spacious. But the road was narrow and congested. After an hour, i got tired and asked him to turn back. En route i kept blah blahing about nothing in particular.

And then i insisted on a long-long-long drive. He indulged me. We drove to a sea beach about 4 hours from the city. The scenery was nice but the road – the state highway was horrible with open sores big enough to swallow the car! We drove on and on and on. The worse thing was that there is no signboard anywhere telling you where you are. So we had to keep asking for directions. After an exhausting drive, we reached the beach but not before driving through a stretch of road that had me hugging the side of the car! The beach was motor-able which meant we could drive straight up to the sea – ok, bad for the ecology. We spent some time on the beach and then went around looking for some place to fill our stomachs. This place is sort of new on the tourist map so it was clean and un-crowded which also meant fewer amenities. Since the “resorts” only had in-house restaurants we had to forego lunch. i insisted on driving on the beach and he indulged me, yet again. i tried to sneakily get the speed above 40, but he caught me at it and asked me to slow down. So mean of him, I swear. All i would have knocked down was just bored holiday-makers!

We then decided to drive back before it got dark and the roads swarming with people out hunting for pandals to feast their eyes on. And i learned a valuable lesson – never drive through these roads after dusk. No street lights. Potholes and wokholes. Add to it people who cross the road in the dark and cyclists riding in the middle of the road. i kept peering through the dark trying to spot people who seem to dart out of nowhere with a suicidal mind. Only when we approached the city was i able to sit back and relax. We decided to visit our fave Chinese restaurant only to find it jam packed. We settled on take-away.

It was bliss just to laze around, curled up beside each other. Cracking silly jokes, watching silly serials, reaching out now and then to cuddle. Bliss. Unadulterated bliss.

i am still alive....

It has been along week for me. Last Friday, he sent a SMS saying he was home. At 5 in the evening. That had me worried. i called up and he said he was not feeling well so he thought he would rest. i rushed home but not before going to the pharmacy. i bought so many medicine that the guy must have thought i had a dying family or something! Vicks, cough syrup, paracetamol tablets, throat soothing lozenges, decongestant nasal drops, vitamin c tablet, flu tablets…When i got home, i was distraught to find he had high temperature. i got down to playing nurse – sponging and massaging and the works.

Weekend: My guy down with fever and cold & cough. Spent pretty much the whole time trying to be a good nurse – patient with the patient, caring blah and more blah. The worse thing was the food – i am always at a complete loss when cooking simple food. i am more the spicy, oily type of chef!

He skipped office for two days and i decided to be an angel and stay back too and nurse him back to health! God, i nearly acquired a halo and wings!

This is the first time i have really seen him this sick. i have always been away –either onsite or elsewhere- when he got sick before. i guess it scared me to see this big guy slumped in bed.

Thank god that he is a bit better now though the cough persists.

And we were fourth in the Dumb Charades event – lost out by 5 points! But it was so fun. I am new to this game – at onsite it was everyone’s favorite game except mine; all dinner parties ended with a session of dumb charades. I love the guessing part though. I was depressed that we did not win a prize because I was counting on the prize money to buy a good glossy recipe book. Look at me - behaving as if I cannot afford it on my own! But it is much more fun buying it with those prize coupons!

And i got promoted – meaning, i am now officially responsible for everyone’s mistakes apart from my own! i don’t know how i would cope with office politics and whether i would be able to be ever politically correct in meetings. i need to sharpen my resource management skills and not fume and spew fire when irked.

The next week being Durga Puja, we have three days off! i am planning to take Monday off so I will have an really extended weekend! yahooooooo.....

dream on...

These past few days i have been trying to keep myself busy watching cooking videos on the net. i like cooking shows – Kylie Wong, Emeril – i used to like Sanjeev Kapoor too but, these days, somehow his shows bore me with all that oil/fat free stuffs.

i would love to build a website with all the recipes i love. Bengali, Manipuri, Thai, Chinese – i am getting excited thinking about it. But knowing me, i would not be able to sustain the enthu for long. But has that ever stopped me from dreaming? Nay!

i would love to start a small restaurant of my own – i have even decided a name for it but would not disclose it for fear that someone might steal that name (look at her, she is paranoid!! Who would even want to steal your idea?). i would paints flowers on the walls. Soft music in the background. Cozy seating arrangements. Hand painted candles.

Another few years of designing, coding, squashing bugs, nagging kids to death – and i want to break free. No more imparting trainings and trying to stuff knowledge into unreceptive minds!

Dreams. And more dreams. And some more dreams.

look ma, no fingers!

This issue has been a bone of contention between us for a long time. The subject is, of all things, iromba, or rather how i prepare it. Iromba, for the uninitiated, is one of the dishes close to a Manipuri heart. Prepared with ngari (fermented fish) and boiled veggies of your choice, it is healthy (no oil, baby!) and tasty (an acquired taste, in my case).

For reasons i don’t recall, i shunned this dish when i grew up. So i grew up as this strange being who refused to eat iromba. My family, used to my whims and fancies, let it go and did not try to convert me into an iromba-loving true blood Manipuri!

It was only after i left Imphal that i took to this dish. Though i still don’t count it as one of my favorites, i like this dish well enough to prepare it. This is where the story starts. Any Manipuri worth his ngari will tell you that iromba is a dish whose preparation requires the active participation of your fingers. But i beg to differ. Whenever i prepare iromba, i have steadfastly refused to use my fingers. i use a spoon, and sometimes a steel tumbler or pestle, to mash and mix the ingredients. He says it is not the right way to prepare it. His argument is that only by using my fingers i can really amalgamate all the ingredients and bring out the real taste. Eh? To me, it tastes just the same. Maybe better.

He is not the only one who considers this act of mine blasphemous. i have been told by almost everyone i know that this is not done. In keeping with my reputation as someone who would never toe the line, i persist in saving my fingers for better things. Like caressing!

love and shoes

Suddenly, love overtakes me. On a Monday morning, that too!

i suspect that i am the kind who finds perverse pleasure in seeking troubled waters. When calm weather prevails, i feel the need to stir the waters to whip up a storm. i have stopped trying to understand the warped way my mind works – some things need to remain shrouded in mystery. i think i go out of my way to court trouble, just so to test if i can survive another one of life’s jokes. Sometimes i get tired of myself – of this constant need to ruminate on the purpose of life, of trying to figure out the meaning of my existence blah blah and more blah blah. Sometimes i wish to be ordinary – ordinary in the sense that i would be contend with what i have and long for whatever it is that other people long for – gold, house, car blah blah . In a way, i am unattached to most things – sometimes even the books i seemingly cannot survive without. i feel like a freak at times.

Now, you ask, where does love comes into this? Sometimes, i feel like i want to flee from love – the many atrocities it inflicts on hearts fickle enough to succumb to its charm. Sometimes, i don’t want to be loved or love –i just want to stare at some spot on the ceiling and pretend i am thinking when all my mind does is tune out everything and dance to some tune of its own.

And sometimes, i am overwhelmed by love – to love and love till i am purged of this feeling. Do we have a finite amount of love assigned to us – one day, we would find we are out of love? Sometimes, as i read and he sleeps with his arm thrown around me; when he reaches out for me in his sleep, i feel the love ooze out like lava from a long suppressed vent (i know, my metaphors are as warped as i!).

One such day is today. i was so overwhelmed with love that i polished his shoes for him – i don’t know who was more surprised – me or him.

help.....

So much for my resolve! They announced the Dumb Charades event. And i just could not resist though i cannot act to save my ass. But i am good at guessing. So there. Lets see kya gul khilate he hum! hmmm...

Still in office trying to test the final code for the release. Need to kick this habit of last-minute everything.

Help me! The code is not working. And i want to go home. boo hoo

tough choice

i cannot decide which is more exciting - seducing or getting seduced.

update -- recipe--

Well, first, the result of the antakshri. If you knew me as well as my sister does, you would have understood by now. i called her up one hour after the event and before i could tell her, she told me she knew i have mot won anything just from the fact that i did not call up right after it got over! Umm…A creature who would leave no chance to blow her trumpets, if i had done well, it would have been blogged right after the event. We came second last! And got three CDs of AR Rehman to remind me of it till i die or till i smash those CDs. Before you snicker, well, we did good. It was just that the other teams were better than us. And the prelude round did us in. i can remember lyrics but if somebody plays 4 seconds of prelude and ask me to identify the song, i go something like “Duh”. And there was the round where they showed us a picture and we were supposed to identify the song. The twist being that they blurred or cut off the identifying factor! So we were supposed to identify the Taal rain song with just Ash’s ankle showing in the picture. And there was another one with Ash’s midriff – the kaajra rey song. The other teams did well. Just proves that they spend more time watching V, MTV and the other music channels instead of Travel& Living, Discovery or BBC. Grapes are sour…

This is hopefully the last time i would fool myself into thinking that i can win everything!

Life is going good. After all the whining i did last week! Just goes to show that silver linings are still in fashion.

The new flat is almost ready. The flooring is complete. We went to check out the cooking range. Boy, are they expensive. But i dream of a kitchen where i can bake, grill, dish out all the delicacies. Talking of cooking, i prepared panang chicken curry yesterday. And it turned out yummy. It is so easy to prepare – all you need is panang paste which you can pick up at any supermarket, coconut milk and the meat. i didn’t use canned coconut milk – made it on my own. If you are pressed for time but still want to whip up something exotic, try this dish. Too bad i did not take any picture.

The recipe is actually a mixture of all the recipes i found online. All the recipes i found called for fish sauce, lemon grass and kafir lime leaves. i omitted all these from my recipe for the simple reason that I could not lay my hands on these ingredients.

Meat of your choice – (i chose chicken) 600 gms – the original recipe called for 400 gms but i hate cooking anything less than ½ kg!!
Coconut milk – 2 cups (if you have the time and patience, make it on your own)
Panang curry paste – 3 teaspoons
Sugar – 1 teaspoon (Adjust according to taste)
Salt – To taste

Fry the meat in vegetable oil till it is almost done. Drain and keep aside
Heat 1 cup of coconut milk. When it starts to simmer, add the panang curry paste. Let the mixture thicken. Now add the meat. Mix well. Add the remaining 1 cup of coconut milk, sugar and salt. Let it cook till it thickens. I added grated coconut left over after making the milk. And as an afterthought, I added sliced tomatoes and green chillies – just to stick to my character of never being able to stick to the original recipe! Garnish with chopped coriander. And viola, your panang chicken curry is ready. Try it. You would not be disappointed.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Am having big moths (butterflies are too beautiful to be inside anyone’s anatomy) in my stomach. The antakshri competition. Such is my confidence that i am sure we would be the team with the lowest score. i am have been trying to remember songs – like yesterday night, seeing me stare at the ceiling mumbling something, he asked me “are you trying to remember songs?’. i am so sure we are going to lose. i know old songs but am at a complete loss when it comes to the new ones. i am so out of touch – like a dinosaur. Which begs the question why i decided to participate in the first place. Because i am a sadist.

--there she blows again

The clouds parted a bit. And a bit of sunshine filtered into my life. Of course, i could do without it since i seem to prefer darkness more than light! He has been sweet, trying his best to draw me out from wherever it is that i withdraw into after every fight. i have been sulky – i told you I don’t give up gracefully! i am the type who would bite off the opponent’s ear rather than lose gracefully. i have not bitten off any part of his body though i am seriously tempted to do so at times!

i keep wondering whether other couples fight as we do. Do they also go through this phase of fight-make up-be friends-fight again? Do they also spend the whole night fighting? And go to sleep in each other’s arms exhausted after the fight? Or maybe they are understand each other and don’t let small things get under their skin.

Is it human nature to let one small fight fog up all the good times we have had together? We concentrate more on the bitter memories than the better ones. Grudges pile up and one day - boom. Something just ignites the whole pile and it explodes in your face and leaves you wishing you had never fallen in love.

But it is not so easy to fall out of love either. Somehow we tend to think of the effort, the years we have invested in something rather than think about the days to come.

When i watch him sleep, my heart melts. i know what we have is worth saving.

It is just that sometimes, i get so witchy and bitchy and i want to lift him up and smash him to the ground – like Krishna did to his kansa mama. i am glad i am petite. If i had been like built like Hidimba, i cannot imagine the havoc i would have created. If there is anything like reincarnation, i want to be an elephant the next time around. Either that or a black widow spider.

weepy wednesday

Din kaal bhalo jache na amar.

Yesterday, i stayed up till 5. We stayed up till 5. Arguing, flinging barbs, accusations. And finally making up. It is tiring, mentally, emotionally and physically. And i kept wondering what i was doing. It is like being caught in a web. i struggle to free myself but i get more entangled. This is definitely not healthy. Is it because we are so in love with each other that we end up hurting each other? Or is it because all the love has evaporated in the heat of our fights? i don’t know. And i don’t want to know.

Sometimes, we make mistakes. In the choices we make. What is the best option – to undo the choice or face the consequences of our choice? i have always believed in paying for my choices. Now, i wonder whether i have not paid enough already. i know i would be happy all by myself too. Maybe happier than what i am now. But it is so hard to let go. So hard. So fucking hard that i bleed all over.

He said he thinks it would work. If only we tried. Maybe we expect so much from each other. Expectations. i know expectations is the root cause of our unhappiness. i know it. But still, i can’t stop myself sometimes from saving myself from expectations.

hee hee hee...i am tickled pink because i am so melodramatic! i should have been in Ekta kapoor's soaps wearing designer sari without blouse and making faces, crying bucketful of tears over husbands who would die and spring back to life again. Why am i wasting my talent coding?!! My tears would earn me more. And i would not have to use glycerine too.

...and so does tuesday

The mood is no better than yesterday. But i am past caring. Or at least, i am pretending not to care. Which i am good at – i mean pretence. i could pretend i am hurt when my soul is somersaulting inside in joy. i could pretend i am happy when my heart is being broken into smithereens. Maybe this world is pretence. We go through it taking it for real.

Maybe i have crossed into the other world. Or hanging somewhere in between sanity and insanity.

Please tell me whether the moon is waxing or waning.

monday hates me

i don’t know whether it is the Monday sickness or whatever that is plaguing my soul. i feel sad. Unhappy. Disgruntled with life. i don’t want to code. Or even nag the kids – i am that depressed! i didn’t even go for the morning adda-cum-tea break.

Every passing day seems to highlight the fact that life is passing me by. Or i am passing life by. Whatever. It is like i feel i don’t want anything more. i just want to sleep it off. Sleep, dream and sleep some more. i sound like a seriously depressed person who needs to be on Prozac. Maybe i am one. Or maybe my hormones are acting up again.

Here i am, whining again. If i were not so much in love with myself, i would hate this trait of mine. i am seemingly so good at spouting pearls of wisdom when it comes to other people’s lives. When it comes to my own, in spite of my oh-i-am-so-clever attitude, i falter and stumble and stub whatever can be stubbed.

Maybe this is what they call disenchantment with the mayavi duniya. Maybe i am finally ready to renounce this world. All i want now is just to be alone. With a book for company. And i don’t even want the wireless connection. Oh, i am getting so close.

Of course, tomorrow might see me in a different mood. Maybe i would be ready to conquer the world. Or maybe i would have sunk deeper into depression and ready to renounce even my books. i am so f***** fickle that it makes me love myself even more!

samay o dhire chalo

It is already September. And to think it only seems like yesterday that i ushered in January.

Another year about to end. And nothing much to show for it. So many decisions made, unmade. Dreams dreamed. Dreams unraveled. i still don’t have a driving license. i still have not cultivated enough patience not to frown and fume when a junior makes the same mistake twice. i still don’t have the grace to give up a fight without having the last word/punch.

To make up for all of the things i should have done and have not got around to doing, i am going to participate in the antakshri contest next week. The first time I am gathering up courage to actually open my mouth to sing and make a fool of myself! i have a good head for lyrics. The only thing is my voice is not the kind made for singing. But what the hell, there is a first time for everything. i have managed to rope in a junior to be my partner. Now it is time to bring out the iPod i have neglected for so long and start my preparation. If we win, this would make this my fourth win in a row in office club events. Kind of a grand slam!! The things i console myself with!! It is pathetic.

don't you cry tonight

Does crying heal? i think it just gives you a headache and swollen eyelids! Is crying good for the soul? Maybe. Sometimes, the tears wash away a bit of your pain. Sometimes, they add to it by reminding you of things that made you start crying in the first place.

These tears-
These droplets of water i shed
From eyes swollen like pregnant clouds
-Can they convey my pain to you?
Or would they just dry up
without telling their story?

.........

P-da gave a treat. We went to this oft-visited restuarant where we always end up having the same thing -kabab and briyani! It was just the three of us - me, SC and P-da. We ordered too much and we had a hard time trying not to waste anything. i gave the excuse that, given my petite size, i should not be forced to eat anything more than usual. So the onus of being the dust bin was taken by SC. The greedy pig that he is, he even ordered an icecream! i made sure that he did not waste anything.

i am feeling really stuffed. And after a series of false starts, my code did work! Hurrah. Well, actually, 1/4 of the code. i still have three programs to complete. Hee hee..i am getting hysterical!

midweek crisis

Got my H1 stamped. Went for the interview on monday. Had to wait for more than an hour before i was asked 3-4 questions and told that my visa was approved. All over in less than a minute. Hah.

Have a deadline on monday and i am still not even halfway. What is new, you say. Nothing. i need deadlines to bring out the best in me. The only time i get to code is when the kids are done with their tasks. And that means after 6.

And to think i have to cook after i go back because there is no leftover that i can feed him (and myself too)! He said we can always order from somewhere. And because i am stupid and stubborn, i don't want to do that. i can never think of hiring a cook. i don't trust people to cook better than me. Maybe except ema and emaibem.

i should get back to coding.

charity

It is his mother’s birthday tomorrow and he wanted to donate some money to an orphanage. As is the way of life, he delegated me to find a suitable place where we could donate. i suggested Mother’s children home. Since it is a bit far away, he asked me to look for something nearer home. How tough would that be, you would think.

i have been searching like crazy since yesterday. i googled. Zilch. In frustration i turned to SC. He gave me hope – his wife apparently donates regularly to some organizations and he would supply the contact number. He sent me a link today. i click on the “Contact Us” link only to see “page under construction”. Somehow i managed to dig up a mail-id. i am still waiting for the reply. Tried calling up a number listed on their mother site – and a female answered “Wrong Number”.

Here i am – all ready to donate. And i cannot find a @%**** organization!! Maybe i should listen to SC- he has been pestering me to donate the money to him!!

This is not the first time i have been disheartened. i remember trying to find a place to volunteer on weekends. The responses i got were enough to make me want to tear my hair out. One place, i was asked why i wanted to volunteer in such a tone as if i had expressed my desire to commit some act of stupidity. i tried so many places – no, we only need volunteers on weekdays, no weekend; we are not interested in people who want to make a difference. In the end, i gave up and decided to stay at home and paint.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS…

i decided to make a last try and called up an orphanage and, bless them, someone did pick up the phone!! So i am going to be able to donate after all!!!

happy

i had a wonderful weekend. i was thinking we should go somewhere considering that it was a long weekend. But he had to go to office on Saturday. i almost started sulking but he told me maybe we should learn to enjoy what we have instead of fretting over what we don’t have! Well, i was floored – i know only too well the truth of those words but me being me, i let the small things get to me. But this time around, I decided to live for the moment and not be too much of a bitch.

We decided to eat out yesterday night – i thought we should try out a Thai restaurant but oh hell, i was so disappointed. It was expensive and the food was such a letdown. But we had a great time. And that is what counts.

After what seemed like ages, we played ludo. The loser had to prepare breakfast. It was a nail-biting finish and i lost! It was such fun.

Btw, there was a quiz on freedom struggle last Thursday and we won the third prize. i am planning to build a library with the books i buy from the prize money!!!!

on why i love sleeping....

This is happening to me for maybe the nth time. i have a particularly messy code to fix and the turnover is tomorrow. The client suggested a code which i did not like. It was not elegant and i was not comfortable enough to load it. Yesterday was spent trying to figure out a bug in one of the kids' code. So i did not have a chance to look into the problem i was supposed to fix. i even took a printout of the program hoping to maybe read it at home and figure out an elegant solution. Of course, i did not even take out the printout when i reached home - talk about trying to juggle between career and home!

Anyway, i woke up in the middle of the night and came up with this simple but elegant fix. i mean, i just woke up and thought "hey, maybe i should fix it this way". i guess my sub-conscious mind was working on this porblem the whole time i was watching the silly serials and those haseena doing the stunts on Khataron ki khiladi! This has happened many times before. i would just wake up and come up with solutions to problems that seemed seemingly unsolvable during my waking hours. Does it mean my sub-conscious mind is so much more powerful than the conscious one i am so proud of? But then, who cares. Conscious or sub-conscious, my mind is my own.

i talked to SM and told him about it and he said it was the best solution to this problem. Now, i have to tell my client that i am not going to code the way he wants me to and try not hurt his ego!!

flog me, please

My Visa interview is scheduled for next Monday. i hate the whole process – esp. the waiting for the interview. As it is, i am never asked more than two-three questions before they decide that i am all OK to get that visa. So it gets my goat to sit there for 2-3 hours for my turn.

i was asked today when i wanted to go onsite. Now that i am getting my way, i want to delay the trip for some months at least! i am so fickle – like a candle in the wind (now, what is that supposed to mean?). And to think i have turned down the promotion for this! i am so undecided about life! i cannot make up my mind whether to float or to drown. i need to be flogged to death.

time out

So he has the deadline sitting on his back. And given my talent as a drama-queen, he thought it best for me to stay with my sister as he would be coming home very late everyday. Which is smart on his part. Because i would have fumed and spewed fire and smoke! i protested at first – i felt like i was abandoning him in his time of need. But he pointed out that knowing that he has a fuming female waiting up for him was not exactly going to help him meet the deadline. Touché!

So i am with my sister and living it up while he is probably starving and dying of exhaustion! Such fun, if you ask me.

So we watch those silly soaps on TV and fight for the remote. We even had a competition yesterday to see who can flip through all the channels faster!

Oh hail the goddess of compilers! For the past two hours, i have been trying to get a program compiled and it keeps returning me errors – for something i have to turn over tomorrow – until it had me wondering whether i should actually resign. But i changed one declaration and viola, it compiled correctly! Why the hell can’t the compiler return me an error message that exactly tells me where i went wrong instead of trying to be all cryptic?

Anyway, i think i will make the deadline, as always!

Distance is good for relationships. Sometimes you tend to take each other for granted. It helps to step back a little. And loosen the bonds a bit. It helps to realize that we are not creepers that need to be twined around each other to survive. It feels good to just love without expecting to be loved back.

the last straw

i talked to Ema the other day and she told me she was just about to go take part in the sit-in demonstration against the kidnapping of children. This has been in the news for quite some days now – not my mother in the sit-in protest but the kidnapping of children.

Apparently, some militant outfits are kidnapping kids to train them as child soldiers. When i read about this, the first thing that crossed my mind was, well, this has to be the last straw. The camel’s back must break now. i think the people of Manipur should now wake up and see the monsters masquerading as do-gooders.

How would anyone justify anything as inhuman as this? That you can snatch school going children and train them to fight their cause. And what is their cause? What are they fighting for? Independence? From whom? From what? In their so called fight for independence, they have taken away the freedom of the common man – the freedom to live life without fear. They say we are being given step-motherly treatment by the Centre. Who is going to help a society that cannot help itself? And these very people who steal the money that the Centre allots for the welfare of the people cry foul that we are not being looked after.

Once upon a time, when i was young, i used to think the “naharols” (militants) are good people who are trying to cleanse our society of the many ills that plague us. And now, i know better. They are no better than parasites feeing off the society. And we have fed them enough. Now it is time to purge them.

My sister told me the parents are scared to let their children go to school. She told me she does not want to stay there in Manipur anymore, that things are getting out of hand day by day. It is like a cancer spreading. I worry about my cousins and my niece. I worry about the kids back home. About the kids who have been kidnapped – just imagine the physical and psychological trauma. No child deserves this. No society deserves to be at the mercy of such people.

Every day i hear new stories of their atrocities. Once, i asked my mother to ask my brother-in-law to set up some business. She told me it would be of no use. They would be there to extort money if he even makes a little profit. She told me that they demanded Nokia mobile phones from the shop-keepers – people who are trying to earn a livelihood. They have to appease the parasites first before they can think of their family.

Let this be the last straw.

passport to hell???

i have got my passport - which will last me another 10 years. i have a feeling my passport might outlive me. i had to go to the passport office which is on the other end of the city and wait for 4 hours to get it. Such patience is unbecoming!

i went there blissfully unaware of the fact that my patience would be tested. Lunch-less, i reached there exactly at the time the agent specified (I am sooo punctual!) and the agent told me to sign on some document. That done, he asked me whether it would be possible for me to come back the next day to get the passport. I said no way. So he told me i would have to wait till 6. i said fine, i will wait. So i waited. And waited. And waited. Looked around. Observed people. The notice boards. The counters. And i finally got bored. And hungry. Bad combination if you ask me. So i went out, saw this guy selling used books, bought one and a bottle of Pulpy orange (as if anyone is interested in the brand of orange you endorse) and went back. i sipped, read, looked around. Read, sipped and looked around. And finally they started announcing the names. Another one hour and still my name was not announced. i had finished the book. So i had nothing better to do than look at the other unfortunate souls waiting for that elusive booklet.

When i least expected it, the guy called my name. Thrilled, i went to stand in the line. And at last, i was handed my new passport – mint-fresh.

Now, i have to carry two passports with me for the rest of my life. As if the burden of safe-guarding one passport was not enough.

this and that

i think i have too much time on hand to brood and fret and fume. He continues to struggle with his deadlines and i continue to struggle with my temper and impatience.

i am not an understanding person. i am not even a nice person. As i grow older, the little niceties I posses seem to peel away. Now, what is left is a grouchy hag who seems to get a kick out of being mean.

The weekend was good – hail the lord! Saturday was spent on the kitchen design and getting the verification certificate for my passport renewal. He wanted to have pork and drink a peg or two. i don’t like either. i mean, i am not too fond of pork and since i don’t drink anything stronger than coffee, i don’t like him drinking. Talk about being a bitch in the manger. i gave my permission, albeit reluctantly. i pity this guy sometimes for having fallen in love with me – if he is still in love with me, that is! i am a hypocrite. i go on and on about how we should never curb other’s freedom but i am guilty of the same crime.

Sunday started off good. We went for the weekly marketing, got ilish. Cooked. Indulged in a bit- ok, a lot – of passionate loving. Ate. Slept. And then went out for a movie. Which is an event in itself considering the fact that the last time i watched a movie in a theater was “Rang De Basanti” almost a century back. We went for Kung Fu Panda. i am an animated movies junkie. So i enjoyed it a lot. We came back and since it was too good to last, we had a tiff.

On the work front, well, we had to defer one of the loads because QA reported multiple dumps during testing. We had not given much importance to this change as it was a preload. Only to have it sorta explode! Serves me right. i am growing old.

The training for another batch of joinees has started. As always, SC tried to coax me into taking as many classes as possible. i escaped with three classes. i think i have improved as a trainer. Now, if only i can improve as a person.

Block of a different kind

Uncharacteristically, i am in no mood to log any thoughts. My mind is brimming over with all emotions and thoughts but i cannot bring myself to pen anything. Blogger’s block. That must be it.

Yipeeeeee

P-da and i won the crossword contest!!! i have got 600 hundred Rs. worth of coupons for that!!! Am i clever or what???

the night that was..

The bell rings. i take my time to open the door. As always, i forget to peer out through the peep-hole to check if it is a friend or a foe. There is no-one at the door. i close the door. i know it is him though. The bell rings again. This time, i peep out. All i see is something pinkish. There is something blocking the hole - i know it is his finger. i open it and he smiles. A smile escapes me before i can stop it.

Everything is ready. We both freshen up. I wear the white-with-pink cherry baby doll dress he got me for my birthday. Though I have worn it many times before, i cannot help but feel a bit shy. This dress always makes me feel sexy.

Rustling up an elaborate dinner after 8 hours of nagging juniors is not an easy job. But i seem to have done a good job the way he gorges on the food – mutton, salad and eromba.

Dinner over, we go to bed. He reads some technical stuffs while I drown myself in “Ladies Coupe”. After some time, sleep overtakes me. Book returned to its place under the pillow, specs deposited on a pile of books on the window sill, I go to sleep while he reads on.

His whispered “Tum-ma baro?” (Are you asleep) wakes me up. i am too sleepy to respond with anything apart from something that sounds like ummm. i know too well that he is not going to let me sleep for a while. i know the night is going to be long.

guess who is coming for dinner

It has been winter the past few days between us. The air is cold enough to make you sneeze.we have been either overtly polite with each other or flinging barbs. Nothing new. Sometimes it thaws a bit. The index of the warmth in our relationship is our dinner plate. If things are cold, we eat from separate plates. Wehn things warm up, we eat from the same plate.

Coming out from my bitchy shell, i have decided to be nice for a change. i sent him a mail inviting him for dinner tonight. So i am going to go cook up something nice for him. Lets see what that leads to.

"Love is methyl alcohol pretending to be ethyl alcohol."

--Anita Nair's Ladies Coupe

i miss you the most when you are near me.

introspection

i am a spoilt brat. It is as simple as that. The realization is not new. And in some twisted way, this is the way i like myself. Maybe because i am aware that i cannot and do not want to change. But “cannot change” is not right – if you want, you can change yourself. But i guess, i am too much into myself to think of changing.

When i am hurt or angry, i am incapable of thinking beyond myself. Anger is an emotion that threatens to control me sometimes. From childhood, i have had this issue of not being able to handle things when i don’t get my way. This continues till now. When things don’t work out my way, i just lose it. The irony – i am all too aware of my warts but i seem content to let these warts get bigger and unmanageable. Till one day, i would be one big wart! Great! i am unfair to the people close to me – they are the ones who bear the brunt of my ill-natured outbursts.

i cool down quickly – but after the damage have been done. i mean, i would rant and rave. And then, i would realize that this is not the way to handle things – after the outburst. But words once spoken cannot be recalled like e-mails. Wounds cannot be wished away with a “sorry”. i always end up hurting the people i love the most. Because i am so spoilt. Patience – i should trade some of my gray cells for an ounce of patience.

If only i can think before i speak instead of speaking before i think. If only i was less in love with myself and not accept these warts. If only i was more human instead of being a bitch. If only my actions were reflections of my thoughts.

*&#^%$*#(

10:15- Dinner is ready. Have not switched off the lights yet or locked the grill. But i can feel the tendrils of displeasure swaying in my mind. i have always hated waiting - for anyone, esp. him. i wait, the tendrils threaten to turn into branches that will soon flower and fill my mind with the fragrance of anger - does anger have a scent? Like lust?

i have never been an understanding person ever. i want the world to revolve around me. For things to start and end with me. But maybe life is that way. i mean, when you really think about it, the most important person in your life is you yourself. Maybe behind everything we do, self interest lurks. But right now, all i want is for him to come home. i will sharpen my nails in the meantime and maul him. Too bad we don't have an axe. But there is the saw. If you see a female in the news 'morrow accused of killing her man, know it is me.

Deep breaths. Take deep breaths. Count upto 29. Or 69. OK, i will not molest him tonight. i am the mistress of my emotions. so, irritation, anger, all you negative emotions, i banish you to the dark corner. Stay there and rot.

i am hungry.

i am sleepy.

Maybe i should just go off to sleep. And hope to wake up with a clean mind. Or maybe i should wait and get the dirty task done. i hope they will let me read books in jail. i hope they will let me blog too.

Or maybe i should just surprise him by jumping into his arms and raining kisses on him. Or maybe i could do a Sharan Stone, lure him into bed and seduce him, and when he least expect it--- oh, boy. i am turning criminal.

Intihaan ho gayi
Intezaar ki
Aayi nah koi khabar meri yaar ki
Bas humme yeh yakeen
Bewafaa ho nahin
Phir waza kya huwi
Intezaar ki...

----

passport and other worries

i have talked to a Passport agent today and he told me it would take 5 days to get the passport renewed through tatkal. And, i would have to fork out 7K for that! But - who said it was going to be easy - i would have to get a verification certificate as i don't have a Voter Id card (yes, you read that right! i am not entitled to cast my ballot!) or a ration card. This verification certificate has to be obtained from some high ranking officials specified in Annexure F! Hell! i have half a mind not to renew the passport.

SM and i bitched about the way they are trying to make me stay back here. i mean, the project. i am so flattered and all that they think my absence would make things tough. But, i cannot put my plans on hold just because of that. OK, i have a soft spot for the project. But, i am not going to be "guilt-ed" into staying back.

He has a delivery scheduled for this month end, he has been coming home late. When you consider the fact that we are in the same industry, you would think i would be understanding. But it gets my goat when he comes late. i have tried to curb my displeasure - i mean, who the hell would want to come back after a hard day at work to unwelcoming arms? So i read books - and gaze at the clock and resist the desire to call him up and nag him. And i read some more. And resist looking at the clock. And i read some more and i turn off the lights just to make him think i have not come back home! And for good measure, i lock the grill making it appear as if no-one is home. And when he finally comes home, i pretend not to hear the bell. i am such a bitch! You would wonder why this guy loves me.

OK, as a week-ending resolve, i will try not to lose it tonight - the temper, i mean. i will prepare something nice for dinner and wait up for him. i will not turn off the lights or lock the grill. i shall open the door and welcome him home. If only my actions reflected my thoughts! If only..

We would go hunting for a suitable bath-tub this weekend. Plus i need to buy shoes and a belt (my waist being the size it is now, my pants threaten to slither off. The last time i owned a belt was in the last century. You can imagine how fashion-conscious i am!!) plus some more books. Coming to books, i seem to be back in the groove. i can read them till the last page. So my side of the bed is not strewn with half-read books now. Just the one i am reading right now. Hail the god of books!

i have been trying to get my mother to get a domestic help. Back home, it is tough to find help given that everyone does their own chores. She has been giving me excuses after excuses - why hire someone when there is so little work around - and all that. i finally gave her an ultimatum - find a help or else i will call up and nag you every single day of the year. My mother does not seem to like the idea of me calling up everyday so finally i heard the happy news that someone has been found who meets her "requirements". Thank god for small mercies. She is not getting any younger and i hate the thought of Ema and Baba on their own, doing all the chores. They would not come over here - the weather is too hot; it is suffocating staying in a flat...i have to beg, nag, threaten to disown them before they agree to come over for a few weeks. Parents are such kids.

dhut teri ki--

Choices. Life is all about choices. Our choices make us the person we are. It is hard trying to make this decision – of staying back or going away. It is tough. Or is it?

We – after a long time, i am able to merge me and him into the word “we” – are confused with the choices we have. We both know it would do us (and our bank balances) good to relocate to US for some years. Choices = confusion. And my project does not want to let me go because offshore delivery will suffer. Oh hell, it is no fun being indispensable!

And, horror of horrors, it completely slipped my mind that my passport is going to expire next month! And i was going to go get my Visa stamped with the almost expired passport! Hell, i must be growing old. My neurons are not what they used to be before.

God, how i wish i could buy a lottery ticket and strike the jackpot. i will retire – and spend the rest of my life having a torrid affair with books. And make candles, open a restaurant, travel from one end to another end of the planet, buy a lorry and run over people...

At work, i have been biting heads off as if i have been without food for days. Not fair to them. Which i am aware of – thank you. But sometimes, they make silly mistakes and i don’t happen to be the type who is going to smile and forgive. I am beginning to behave like an ogress. Where is my Shrek???

Is the moon waxing or waning? My mother is right – i am MAD!

The hungry tide

The Hungry Tide – this is the book i got for myself for my birthday. i have never read Amitav Ghosh before so i was a bit wary – maybe it is bit like trying out a new dish, you wonder whether the taste would suit you. And I was not disappointed.

The story is set in Sunderbans – the mangrove forest/swamp in West Bengal – a place i have been meaning to visit for a long time. The story revolves around Piyali – an Indian American cetologist who has come to Sunderbans to research on dolphins; Fokir – an illiterate fisherman and – oh great, i have forgotten the name of the third protagonist! The story really sucked me in – after a long time, i read something riveting enough not to discard after 100 pages! The Sunderbans came alive for me – and i am going to go there and see for myself the place he has so beautifully painted with his words.

Life has been – i don’t know whether it is the right word – peaceful. But i keep looking over my shoulders for storms that might be lurking in the lull. True to my bitchy character, i have been trying to pick fights with him. But thankfully, he does not take me up. He, on the other hand, has been, well, very loving. What is wrong with me? i should be enjoying life instead of wondering when the next storm will break. Oh hell, i must be the kind of sailor who loves to battle storms rather than float on still waters.

His BOSE fever has abated a bit – he is getting excited about the iPhone now that he can surf on it. So he goes click, click, click, click and click – much to my irritation when i am reading. Yah Allah! Free me from gadgets. The only feature i like on it is that i can sketch – i sketched a picture and made it his wallpaper. He insisted on clicking my pictures with it so he could set it as wallpaper– i am camera shy when i am wearing glasses (which is what i wear at home because i am blind without them glasses) so i resisted. Ultimately i made him click one picture wherein i pretended i was tearing my hair out in frustration! i look simply horrible, as i intended. And what i really am! Now every time i call him up, he will see me tearing my hair out!! What better way than that to remind him that, hell, i am frustrated. With him. And without him.

my un-schooled auditory nerves

What is it about man and gadgets? Or is it just that i am too technologically challenged to appreciate anything apart from books? He went and bought himself a BOSE sound system for his birthday. He sheepishly asked me if it was OK (and that too, after buying it! What was i supposed to say - take it back to the store?) and that he has wanted it for so long. i gave him one of my indulgent smiles (well, he paid for it himself so why nag the guy??!). i think he was feeling guilty because it costs something around 13K (and i thought of the number of books i could have bought with that amount!).

He is very excited about it - and he wants me to be excited about it too which i find tough. Maybe it has something to do with my auditory nerves - maybe they are not developed enough for me to appreciate something so special like a BOSE speaker! i mean, OK, the music sounds better. But for me, i am more into the lyrics than the background sound. He keeps asking me to listen to the stereophonic effects, how pronounced they are now that we hear it through these special speakers. And i stare at him with this blank look. So he plays songs after songs and make me listen to them - i tried to escape saying i was cooking only to have him pull me back. Silly man! i only wish i could sharpen my acoustic nerves so i share his enthu . But it makes me happy to see him spill over with excitement over two small speakers!!

yes!!

It is the time of the year again when we get the letter which either make us weep in joy or sorrow - the increment letter. i am the kind who never complains about salary increment - maybe because i have always got more than i expected!

Today, i was handed two letters - i was expecting just the increment letter. The first one was the promotion letter - i am officially an Assistant Technical Consultant now. So ironic for someone who considers herself technologically challenged! And to top it, my salary got hiked by 23%! Yipee!!! This sure is a pleasant surprise.

We finally made up our minds about the flooring for the new place - we went for marble. And it made us poorer by about a lakh. i am undecided about whether to be excited about the prospect of moving in to the new nest. It would be about 30 minutes commute to the office. And there are no public transport in that area so i would have to either rely on him or buy myself a car. Plus it would be too far away from my place and i would not be able to meet my sister that often. And to add to it, we are undecided about whether we want to stay here or relocate to US - at least for some years.

But it would be our dream nest - it would have almost everything i want in a house - big kitchen and bathroom, a bathtub where i can drown him if he should step on my toes (Remember "Diabolique"?). i think i would have a tough but enjoyable time setting it up.

b'day boy and the iPhone

It is his birthday today. And guess what i got him? Of course, the gadget that he has been eyeing for so long - the iPhone. So i paid through my nose to get him an unlocked 16GB (no less) iPhone off eBay. The things love makes you do - like spending a fortune on something i don't even care for. i mean, as long as i can talk and hear people on the phone, it would do. Which explains why i have the humblest model of Nokia. But then, if he wants it, i will get it. Gadgets don't turn me on.

Isn't it amusing how slowly the seconds seem to almost crawl when you are waiting for something? i stayed up till 12 to wish him. Keeping me company was Amitav Ghosh's "The hungry Tide". i waited and waited but the clock would not strike 12. i thought i would wake him at 11:30 or something. i was afraid i would doze off and find myself waking up in the morning. But i defeated both sleep and impatience and wished him at exactly 12 and handed him the iPhone. What happened after that is censored! Suffice to say that i am feeling sleepy in the middle of the day!

Happy birthday, honey.

hell, i am smart!

As expected, our collective ego (SC's and mine) didn't get a beating at the quiz competition. i had decided to skip it because we got no response to my mail proposing our names for the quiz. SC tried to coax me to go but i decided to stay the stubborn pig i am. So there i was, reviewing somebody's answer when my big boss asked me whether we have given our names for the quiz and that they
were waiting for us. Shesh! Reluctantly, i had to go. i told SC that our goal should be to ensure that we don't end up with a zero on the scoreboard -- talk about lofty aims!

We started off OK. At least we were not the lagging team. i surprised myself by knowing the answers to questions i never knew existed. Such is the power of the sub-conscious mind. i mean, i am not even aware that my brain stores such miscellanou information. We would be asked a question. My mind would go completely blank for about 2 seconds. And then, i would answer as if in a trance and have the quizmaster go "That is absolutely the right answer". i think even SC was surprised at me shooting off answers. The questions were tricky ones.

We ended up tying for the first place and we had a tie break. And we lost! The tie-break question was pretty simple, now that i know the answer! "What is the connection between Vishal-Sekhar, Manish Malhotra, Bappi Lahiri and Usha Uthup?" i was like what connection? The other team got it right -Knight Riders! My sister was aghast that i didn't know the answer. She was like "You are so dumb". Thank you, behena. i have the slightest interest in IPL and all that crap.

And so we ended up as second best. And for all the hard work, i got a voucher of Rs.400 (my company is a poor one!) -- i am wondering which book to buy. It was fun just to kick ass and surprise everyone by being so knowledgable! Hee hee. i am tickled silly.

K took us out for lunch - his treat for buying a car. Good lord, i must be growing old because my stomach cannot tolerate rich food now. My digestive system is flawed, i think.

On a sweet note, SM went to the Book Release of Salman Rushdie's "Enchantress of Florence" (or whatever the new book is) and got the book autographed by the man himself - for me! Ain't that sweet?

monday thoughts

The weekend was good. Went shopping with my sister and, as usual, we ended up with a trolley full of things! Then went to Bachou’s place and stayed for dinner.
Had Emaibem’s haath ka khana which is something i always look forward to. She told me i was looking so thin – she even told me to take vitamins. My silly sister went “Oh, she is a size zero now” –hate Kareena for making this size so talked about. Which made me wonder whether i should really start worrying. All my dresses which fitted me to a T are now turning baggy. i am eating like before – i never think about calories when i gorge. So i cannot figure out where all the “maangso” (flesh) is going. If Ema sees me now, she is going to go ballistic.

Sunday was spent cleaning up the place. i cooked ilish maach after such a long time. It made me remember SM who used to cook ilish for me every chance he got because he knows i am so in love with this fish. He knows how fussy i am about food and whenever i am onsite, he takes it upon himself to make sure i eat properly. Even now, when he calls up he keeps telling me “Meye, bhalo kore khabi’ (Girl, eat well). i am really lucky to have friends like him.

SC and i have given our names for the Quiz event to be held this Friday in the office. We are two conceited creatures and i told him, we might as well participate and get our egos deflated if we lose or grow more conceited if we win! Hah!

maudlin thoughts

i turned down SC’s offer of joining his team. It has partly to do with me not wanting to move out of my comfort zone and partly because i am so uncertain about the future and i don’t want him to be in a soup if i have to change the direction of my life tomorrow.

i think it is about time (more like past the time) for me and him to have a talk about what we want in life. If we find that we no longer share the same dreams, then it is time for us to untie the bonds, to uproot the love. And move on. There is much more to life than trying to get a relationship back on track.

i know how much easier for me it would to be to just hang on and go on with life. But i want more – i want to live. i want to see my dreams come true. i don’t want to live other people’s dreams but my own.

And i am so tired of my whining. i am so tired of knowing what i want and not trying to get it even when i know it is a touch away. i am so tired about thinking everyday i need a change and then going back to the same routine. What stops me from doing what i want – i do not lack money, or opportunities. Sometimes, i am tired of myself. For being this dinosaur waiting to be wiped out. ummm.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.
--Anon

ek packet umeed (one packet of hope)

Watched this serial “Ek packet umeed” on NDTV and i actually liked it. My sister told me it was good and i decided to check it out. It is a respite from the really inane serials that i find myself watching these days – like the weepy Vidya/Divya, Kasturi and all those perpetually-soaked-in-tears females. Though i don’t know much about the storyline, it seems about a group of women in a shelter and their stories. Yesterday’s episode was about a woman being mistreated for dowry and how she gets rescued. This is one serial to watch out for. No rhona-dhona, no showing the characters in different shades hundred times.

i started this book titled “The last Kashmir Rose” – a whodunit story set in colonial India. This is one of the dozen books that SM sent for me – he bought them at 25 cents a book from the library. He knows i adore blood and gore story – me being inclined towards murder and all that. i only hope i can see it to the end. i could only complete some twenty pages yesterday night before i found the book reading me rather than me reading the book! i swear i am so low on energy these days.

At work, i am back to my “mentoring” the kids – which translates into me nagging them, demaning re-work till i am satisfied . SM says the quality of delivery from offshore suffers when i am not around – which is flattering. i always knew i was indispensable!!!