taxing time

It is the time of the year when i am forced to reflect on my investments – or lack of it. Today was the last day of submitting the tax rebate declaration. As always, i waited for the final day to submit the declaration. With the home loan, i don’t really have to worry about whether i have completed my quota of investments to get the maximum rebate.

The other day someone from one of the banks where i have invested some years back (and had totally forgotten about!) contacted me and asked me to switch plans as my investment was not making that much profit. Anyway, i let him convince me to switch plans –and i am supposedly going to get well provided for when i retire, that is, if my life does not get extinguished before that (extinguished? It makes me sound like an inferno or something!!). The guy kept harping on why i should think of investing now to keep up my existing life style even when i retire or maybe get axed. If i really think about it, i am a low maintenance creature. i have very few needs – give me my books and i am happy enough. i eat like a sparrow, don’t care too much about clothes and accessories – so there is not much scope of spending money on myself. i have this indifferent attitude towards money – i hardly keep track of how I spend it, how/where i invest it. Ema keeps telling me i don’t respect money because i get too much. Is that true? i know the power of money and all that, i know that money is the one issue that couples fight about the most. It has never struck me to hoard my money – i love using it to give my loved ones the things they desire. i would rather see my money being used than it sitting in the bank. My parents and everyone else complain that i am too lavish when it comes to gifts – like S says, i buy things for everyone else except myself which makes him think i am some sort of a goddess – the truth is there are very few material things in this world that can excite my senses apart from books.

Talking of books, S is going to send some books for me through the other S who must be boarding his flight as i type this. S would be joining office on Monday – it has been a month of peace in the office without him as i don’t have anyone to fight with and bitch and trade gossips.

Did make the deadline at work. However, the code needs polishing. Still have about a month to do all the re-work i want when it is in QA’s queue.

..if only we talked...

"barriers break when people talk." So very true. For a change, i decided to stop being my bitchy self and open up to him like before. And what a change it has brought about in him. And us. It is like we both were waiting for the ice to thaw between us. Silence is like the winter cold - it freezes the relationship. Even love needs the warmth of a touch, a word to thrive.

It is his parents' anniversary today. So we went shopping for a present for them. We took the chance to sneak off for a quiet lunch together. Love is rearing its head again in my life. Wonder how long this peace will last. Wonder how long it will be before another tiff. Wonder whether i will still stay put the next time we have a fight. Why this cynicism?

Love. i swore i was over this. But this heart, this stupid heart of mine says - just one more try, just one more night in his arms.

--it is the rain

It rained yesterday night – it is still raining. And i felt/feel happy just to hear the sound of rain drops. A breath of fresh, crisp air. i love getting wet in the rain – i love that feeling of just letting go, of sheer abandonment, of lifting my face to the sky and feeling the drops on my face.

Basketball in the rain – a memory tucked away in some corner, rekindled every time it rains. i still remember that feeling of being alive, of the joy of just being there to enjoy life, the lightning lighting up the court as we played, the thunders applauding us. If i close my eyes, i can still feel the smiles on our faces, our laughter mingled with the rain. Dripping wet, we splashed around the court, living in the moment. We were such fools to think the rain would last all our life. It stopped - the game ended.

When it rains, i dream of home – the sound of furious rain drops pounding the roofs. When it rains, a smile sprouts on my face. It spreads to my tired soul – and i can almost feel the rain inside me.

Today, as i type this, i want to know – what is life all about? Is this pain i go through worth it? Is there a price for every tear i shed, every smile that escapes from the gloom inside? i am happy and yet, i am sad. i am sad because i know life can be so beautiful, because i am so aware of fact that life is not forever. And yet, here i am – bound by the choices i made, with my wings cut.

What does it take to sever ties? i am scared i would bleed to death. What does it take to make peace with the choices you have made? What does it take to live? What does it take to die?

My sanity bleeds – when it stops, would i be drained of all these thoughts?

..fly away

e mere dil kahi aur chal
gham ki duniya se dil bhar gaya
dhoon le aab koyi ghar naaya

chal jaha gham ke maare nah ho
jhooti asha ke taare nah ho
in baharoon se kya faida
jisme dil ki kali jal gayi
zakhm phir se haara ho gaya

char ansoo koyi ro diya
pher ke mooh koyi chal diya

loot raha tha kisika jaha
dekhti rahe gayi yeh zameen
chup raha berahaam aasman

bent--again

This is what is playing on my iPod right now as i desperately try to meet the deadline - my code refuses to compile - what fun! Still i sing along, oblivious to the dark waters lapping at my toes. Just a matter of days before i drown -- and this song would be on my cold blue lips:

If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love
Give me more than I can stand
And when my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I'll smile again

Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot

I started out clean but I'm jaded
Just phoning it in
Just breaking the skin

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

Start bending me
It's never enough
I feel all your pieces

Start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in

Shouldn't be so complicated
Just touch me and then
Just touch me again

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

----matchbox 20 's bent

i love this song - everytime i hear it, i have to sing along. And play it over and over and over again....till my senses get saturated...

duniya kare saawal....

duniya kare saawal
toh hum kya jawab de
tum ko na ho khayal toh
hum kya jawab de

pooche koyi ke dil ko kaha chod aaye he
kis kise apna rishta ye jaan tod aaye he
muskil ho aarze haal
toh hum kya jawab de
tum ko na ho khayal toh
hum kya jawab de

pooche koyi ke dard e waafa kaun de gaya
raaton ko jaagne ki saja kaun de gaya
kehene se ho malal toh
hum kya jawab de
tum ko nah ho khayal toh
hum kya jawab de

happy....

i am happy – after a long time, i am smiling, from a place deep inside. i am happy because, once again, i have discovered that i still have the courage to face trouble with grace, without buckling under. One by one, you will see, i will conquer all of these troubles infesting my life. One step at a time, i will learn to be steady on my feet. One smile at a time, i will make my life beautiful, the way it is meant to be.

i am proud of myself – for not crumbling into tears or worrying myself to death, for being practical, for having the courage to stand true to my beliefs. i love myself.

i am a bitch..i am an angel....?

My sis says i am insensitive to people's feelings - most of the people who know me well will vouch for this! My sense of humpour can be cruel at times and i am so good at picking the touchiest nerve to pinch!

When i reflect on myself i find i am a confusing mixture of evil and goodness - the evil outweighs the goodness in me though. Sometimes it scares me how manipulative i can be. And that i can be very cold-headed when it comes to facing troubles. Is because i don't have the tiny voice inside me called conscience? Whatever it is i like myself for being not too hard on myself when i make mistakes.

Who am i really?

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

---meredith brooks'bitch

My friends said this song was written for me.

playing in my mind...

Dil ke armaan ansoonwo me bahe gaye
Hum wafaa karke bhi tanha rahe gaye

Sayed unki akhri ho ye sitaam
Haar sitaam unke yeh soch ke sahe gaye

---roughly translated

All my heart’s desires have been washed away by my tears
i remain alone inspite of being faithful;

Thinking this might be his last fault (does sitaam mean fault or torture?)
i have tolerated all his faults

on in-laws and life's miseries

S said her in-laws think she is the wickedest daughter-in-law ever. i can never imagine anyone calling her wicked. Because she is someone whose heart is clean – i have known her for so long, i ought to know. She, so very untypical of her, said she might as well be bad to prove them right. She is on maternity leave and is at her parents’ home. Her in-laws did not come to visit her even once to meet their grandson.

What is it about in-laws? Of course, i know of so many who are good souls. But then, i know of others who make my blood boil. Why can they not realize that their daughter-in-law is a person with her own individuality? Why do they expect her to change herself completely to suit them? OK, i can understand compromises – but how does that make sense if the only person who is supposed to compromise is the daughter-in-law? S is a wonderful human being – and there are very few people i consider wonderful. Why can’t they see her good points instead of being prejudiced against her and making her out as a vamp? A woman leaves her home and family for her husband (why??), go to a new place she must call home for the rest of her life, has to learn to “adjust” to her new environment – and instead of welcoming her as one of their own, all they can do is find faults with her – she cannot do that, she does that, she does not do that. What the fuck? And i know, the advice meted out to her is – whatever it is, you are a woman, you have to cope with it. It is your lot. You have to learn to bear everything. My foot. Are we beasts of burden that we have to tolerate everything thrown at us? Don’t women deserve happiness? Are we incomplete without a man, without being married?

Someone who has been abused by her husband told me this –no matter whether your husband beats you up, kicks you, you have to bear it. What can we do, we are women. This is in our destiny.

What the ****. She is not an uneducated person or financially dependent on her husband. She told me she stayed because if she left, he might get married o somebody else and her children’s lives would be ruined.

Sometimes, life is too ugly. We make it ugly because we don’t do anything to change it. Why cannot we realize that there is always another door open – that we can always break a bond that makes you bleed instead of making you smile? Happiness – it is ours if only we know that it is something within us and not something someone is going to bestow on us

salaam misery

i feel utterly miserable with life. So many things going wrong at the same time. Enough to make my smile fade. Who the hell cares whether there is a silver lining - when the cloud is dark, who is going to smile thinking of some silver lining or whatever.

i am not so strong that i can weather all storms at one go. But hell, when has that ever stopped life from treating you wrong? Right now, i feel like i have fallen flat on my face - and i just can't seem to bring myself up. So melodramatic!

i feel like wallowing in this pool of misery for some time - just so to see how much i can take before i start getting sick of being miserable. There must be a limit to misery. i want to see how far it can drag me down before i start kicking misery in its ugly face. i am so sadistic.

And the deadlines are piling up - i have about a thousand maintenance fixes and the development thingy all scheduled for the end of this month. My pm did ask me whether i would like some of the burden lifted off my tiny shoulders - but me being the proud bitch refused to even give it a thought. i thought i might as well face everything by myself and die in the process.

So much troubles bugging such a tiny soul. Will i get crushed under life's challenges? Or will i rise again like the phoenix and prove to myself once again that nothing can keep me down - nothing except maybe death?

Maybe i am getting addicted to misery. There is something about being miserable – whatever am i talking about?? i better get back to my coding and being miserable. To misery!

cynical thoughts....

Just have enough time to put down some thoughts. Life is BUSY. i am going bonkers trying to cope with the demands life is making on me. And work – oh hell, i have not even started coding and the deadline is licking at my toes. Right now, i feel like chucking up everything, shaving my head and rushing off to the foothills of the Himalayas with a sack of ganja and books. i want to renounce all worldly pleasures and sorrows and just be by myself, lost in books and high on grass. Life is a joke. We just don’t get it till the last breath.

If i am alive,
i don’t feel it.
If i am dead,
This must be hell.