one last post

..just could not resist cribbing one last time before this year ends.

OK, so one more year gone..makes you wonder why anyone bothered to have this whole concept of year (i know, i know but please, please let me let off my steam at something)..And now, there will be fireworks and drinks and drunks all welcoming another year that will only bring misery to people like me who just cannot open their eyes to the good things in their life but will continue counting their woes.

i am working from home and getting paid in pounds - heck, i deserve at least something to smile about, not that getting paid for slogging your ass off is not something to smile about. Maybe it is since i do not slog my ass but still manage to get the work of two people done. Yes, i am so low that i am actually blowing my trumpet because there is nobody else to do it for me. i don't even know what i am writing.

For someone who used to fall asleep when her head hits the pillow, i find i am awake for what seems like ages before sleep claims me. Which is so fucking irritating. Yes, i am swearing. My mouth, my blog - i will sully them when i like. God, what is wrong with me? Anyways, i hate it when i find i am awake when i would rather be in dreamland because that is the only time when i can escape life's cruelty. Is life cruel or do i make it cruel? Oh shut up, not on the last day of the year. Stop being such a psuedo philosopher and just be the bitch you are. Yes, i am talking to myself. Please shoot me.

i realised that there is something therapeutic about scrubbing the toilet. Yes. And as i furiously scrubbed, i thought of how more meaningful my life would have been if i had become a municipal sweeper or a public toilet cleaner. i mean, i would have really done something that would have made a difference to lives - clean toilets and roads. Just imagine. i think i would have been happier doing something menial instead of being stuck with a label of software consultant or whatever crap designation they foist on you. i wish to God i had less brain and more patience.

i need to cut my hair again - he loves it long but i hate looking after long hair - just once in my life did i get it to grow shoulder length. Never after that. And i will dye my hair mahogany this time in the hope that i become a tree. What crap do i write???

And i went to the market wearing mismatched sandals - one pink and one purple. Not intentionally. No one seemed to have noticed. Maybe they were too caught up with my uncombed hair to gaze down. What next?

Actually, i am having withdrawal symptoms for not having had my dose of jalebis.Blame this year-end ranting on sugar deprivation.

To another day that will end up just like today.

looking back

Just a few more days and this year would be gone too...and i wonder how fast the days flew. And it has left me still the same - imperfect, impatient, unkind, bitchy...

Still have not found the answers to the questions that clutter my mind. And i have no hope of finding them - many some things are best not found (whatever that means).

Life saddens me...i drift away from all i love..slowly, sleathily...and the worse thing is i don't care...maybe that is my way of dealing with life - running away. Oh well, i have always been a coward.

i dream of being alone - all by myself. Maybe because i know every bond that ties would hurt when it breaks, which it will one day or the other. And i have failed to realise that is not the way to live life. Or maybe i realise it but i am too scared. Oh hell, why i am running around in circles chasing my tail at the end of the year???

A colleague wrote to say she hopes the new year will be kind to me. Can life ever be kind?? i wonder....And on that note, i bid this year goodbye. But not before saying that i am ungrateful for not counting the good things in my life and cribbing and crying about the bad things. There i go again.....

i need to write..but nothing is in my head....or rather, everything is in my head but nothing comes out...

Is it cruel of me to wish away all bonds - every relation i have held close, every love i have treasured ?? But i feel this way now....i just to cut loose all bonds...i just want to be by myself...would i bleed less then? would these dark thoughts be bleached ? would my mind find peace ? would the dark demons in me die in their sleep then?

What do i want? what do i long more?

....

Have not blogged for so long that i had even forgotten my password and had to recover it! Oh life and the challenges it throw at us. You want to ask why, why, why....and there is no answer...It is like the Budha asking the woman who wanted her son to be brought back to life to find a house that has not witnessed death. But, still you cannot help but wonder whether life is unfair.

i have no desire to be in touch with anyone, not even myself. Life is a haze right now, from one day to the next...and the hardest thing is that he is not here with me - at least it would have been nice to have a shoulder to lean on at times when life gets too much to bear.

Sometimes i just want to drift off...renounce everyone and everything and just float away on my own. Would it be nice not having any ties tying you down, no love to make you bleed ?

What is life? This pain i see, the sufferings ? Sometimes you just fail to see the whole point of life...Or maybe it is just me not able to see things for what they are...i don't know...i don't want to know....

i would like to drown in my own tears but knowing life i just might end up with a bloated stomach full of tears..whatever....

And i find i am angry with the whole world - how dare anyone be living and enjoying while i am not ? Why do i have to go through this baptism by fire every other year - of seeing a loved one fight a losing battle ? WHY ME? why me? why me? i am such a coward....and a whiner...and a loser...

And i am getting addicted to jalebis, of all things. i would have preferred lsd but jalebis are a fine subsitute...Did i mention that i am losing my mind? i also dyed my hair burgundy but the pity is only the grey ones picked up the colour so i have a crown of black and burgundy hair - the things people do to run away from misery. Next you will see me with my hair dyed pink.