Hang on, help is on the way...

i am going to meet up tomorrow with a fellow freecycler to swap books. Book swapping - how exciting is that?! i think it would beat wife-swapping or husband-swapping or whatever swapping that goes on in this world.

It is a bit out of character for me to part with my books. i cling on to my books - even tattered ones - like a drunk to his/her bottle. But when i was offered books in answer to my 'Wanted' request, i thought it was only fair to offer the books i have lying around. Some of them are quite cherished books but i thought this was a start. One step at a time to free myself of worldly attachments. i could not, however, part with some books - one given to me by a junior before i left the previous company (i came in to work, saw this book propped up against my desktop. Opened it and saw the inscription inside and was touched almost to the point of tears.), another that i bought with the vouchers i won at the various competitions in my previous company and two that he bought for me from a book sale at his work place.

And then, there is Sunday when i will go to pick up another load of books from a freecycler's place. i did offer him some books in return but he declined.

It is going to rain books this weekend. And i am going to have days of hangover. There is no intoxication like written words.

Drifting again

i finished the last book two days back and now, my thoughts are on a rampage. My mind is on the loose, thoughts spilling out from every neuron and colliding with each other, thoughts meeting other thoughts and spawning new thoughts, thoughts dying, thoughts crushed in the rush, loud thoughts, soft-spoken thoughts, evil thoughts, angry thoughts, happy thoughts..

Books...i need books like an addict needs his dope.

Where does the road go from here?

We find ourselves, yet again, on another crossroad - you wonder how many crossroads there ought to be in one's life. Unsure about the future, about where our best interests lie.

i am getting old. i find i want to give my roots and suitcases a rest for a while. But, the gypsy-ness (i made up that word) in me still exists and i want to try new places, see new faces, make new enemies, taste new food. i am a confused bitch, if ever there was one.

What is they say about consoling oneself with the thought that whatever happens, happens for the best? Do they say the same in Haiti? Where are my thoughts leading to? Why do i digress like stray dogs (do dogs digress?)?

Anyway, here we are unsure, of what tomorrow will bring. Of course, some day i will look back and say 'oh, it all happened for the best'. A door slams in your face and we believe another one will open. We are so damn gullible! When a door slams shut, maybe all other doors follow suit. Maybe doors are like most human beings who will always follow the lead of the other. But maybe we will find a rogue door like myself that will force itself open just because others are shut. For that door we wait.

And i know i will never be able to handle disappointments gracefully. i will always sulk, for a while at least, before i gather my wits and think of other ways out. i believe i will sulk even after i am dead. If you see a sulking ghost, disappointed maybe with how people cried over my death or something silly like that, well, it would be my ghost.

Freecycling

No, it is not cycling for free! i came across this wonderful network when i was searching for books that i could buy cheap and an article suggested i could try this network.

i quote from the site: "The Freecycle Network™ is made up of 4,880 groups with 6,926,000 members across the globe. It's a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It's all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills."

Now, my motive for joining the network was less about saving the environment and more about getting books - and books i can never resist. And free books, that is like dangling a piece of meat before a famished bitch, i mean dog! i searched the group i have joined to see if any books were on offer. There were but they had all been snapped up. So i waited and watched, parked in front of my inbox eagerly waiting for any mail with book in the subject. i finally got one and i replied and got an answer in the positive. It was mentioned i would need a car when i go to collect the books which made my heart sing because it means there are many books. i asked him, very nicely, if he could please drive me to get the books. He said yes. And so, this Sunday we are going to go get the books. i cannot wait for Sunday.

i come from a family of hoarders. My sister hoards clothes like she would be asked to clothe the whole of Ethiopia someday. My mother hoards polythene bags. i hoard books and memories. i have always found it hard to give up things - you think maybe you will need it someday and that day never comes but you still keep it, forgotten in some corner, gathering dust. Once a year, i used to tame the hoarding genes and give away my clothes to the maid. But that was all.

Looking at people offering things because they don't need them anymore and they want someone else to use them instead of holding on to them, i find it motivating. i do have the hang-up of small-minded people of turning my nose up at hand-me-downs (but not when it comes to books!). It is so refreshing to see people offering all kinds of things (clothes, tea bags, TV, et etc) and people taking them without any reservation.

i hope to shed the false pride and take something on offer if i need it. i also hope to murder my hoarding genes and offer things i no longer need so somebody else can put better use to it.

If you find a group in your city, join it. If you have something you don't need anymore, offer it to someone who would be grateful to give it a new home. If you find something on offer that you need, have no qualms about taking it.

The site is freecycle.org.

Ram Ram Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay. Not on the list of my favourite personalities. But i like Hell's kitchen and Kitchen nightmares where he is the knight in shining apron, helping floundering restaurants get a fresh lease of life. But i don't like the fact that he peppers almost every sentence with the F word. It gets very tiring after a while.

As a part of the ongoing 'Indian Winter' on Channel 4, Gordon is on a culinary journey to India. And he took a break from the tried and tested touristy destinations and went to the North East - more precisely to Assam and Nagaland. We watched the 'north east' episode yesterday night. He went hunting in Nagaland and ate pork with dried bamboo shoots and venison. He went fishing in Assam and tried some Assamese fish delicacy.

i was hoping to see him visit Manipur. But hard luck. Maybe he heard we are a trigger happy society with a fondness for 'outsiders'.

Though i still hate his swearing, i like the fact that he is not afraid of trying out new things. i also like the fact that he seems to have only two t-shirts in the wardrobe he brought to India - blue and pink.

The rat in me....

The weather is depressing as ever. The trees look gaunt and gloomy - bare branches and twigs not even interested in swaying. It is warm and comfy inside with the heater cranked up. More snow is on the way they say. i love snow.

The class boycott is finally over. The agitators gave in without their demands being met - so you want to ask them what exactly made them give in. It surely was not love for the students - hell, they made them suffer for so many months. Did they get paid off? Don't get me wrong. i am happy it is finally over. But, you seethe at those bastards who burned schools, held the future of the thousands of children at ransom, at their fucking talks of 'life is more precious than education' and now, it seems money is more important than life. They are scum. And i hate the fact that we let them continue with their dirty games. We are a people past redemption. We have let these parasites suck all the goodness out of Manipur. It is just an empty shell now, waiting for the final collapse. Where else would you find such accommodating people like us who would not even manage a whimper against the atrocities committed on us by our own people?

This impotent rage, of knowing that no matter how much you rave and rant, spit and spew, curse and swear, beg and plead - nothing will save us. We just want to wallow in self-pity, wage wars against ourselves, sell our future to the highest bidder.

And, we like rats, will desert this sinking ship. We will transplant ourselves to foreign land, watch snow flakes dance, eat and drink and curse all and sundry. While our parents and family organise their lives around the schedule of power cuts and bandhs. We will call up long distance and hear their weary voices telling us they are going to bed early because the light has gone out again and the inverter has run low because there was no light yesterday too.

And this was the land where i grew up, happy and giggly. The land i left hoping to be back someday. But, the roots are drying up, the wings gathering dust in the corner. And i, i sip hot tea and watch snow flakes dance by the window while my motherland slowly chokes to death. i am a rat and i hate sinking ships. Am i any better than those i curse?

The year that was

It was a good year for me. It saw me finally being able to cut the umblical cord and bid farewell to a company that had been my cherished home for more than eight years, to relinguish my position as the resident hag. It saw me welcome someone into my life and who has now become the light of my world. It saw me shift base to a land of gloomy weather. It saw me start doing something i have always wanted to, for a change.

The year flew on wings and ended even before i noticed it what with my preoccupation with life. i am still short of patience, still haunted by dark thoughts, still a long way from being perfect. But i live with the undying hope that tomorrow will always dawn for me.

i hope to be able to write more this year, to shake off the ennui that settles on my mind every now and then and to live like tomorrow will never dawn for me. Amen