thoughts and more thoughts

We are all getting tripped up trying to think up of a good name for our company. As unreal as it seems to me, it looks like we are really going to take the plunge. What started as a joke is fast becoming a reality. Oh great! i am going to become the business-woman-of-the-year some years from now!! We are going to rake in the moolah. It sure is fun to be so ignorant of the pitfalls that wait for us on the way to success.

On a culinary high, for the first time in my life i prepared chagem pomba - one of my fave manipuri dishes. My sister came back from home loaded with things - veggies, hawaizar, soibum, nga ayaiba and whatnots. Following the instructions from mom dear on the phone, i attempted the dish and got it right!! It tastes just like the way Ema cooks it - ok, not quite like it but very, very close! Which made me very happy. The fridge is stuffed with ingredients for eromba and we are going to gorge and thrive on pure manipuri food for some days to come. Bliss!

And work. i have been toying with the idea of leaving the job - but not quite been able to cut the umblical cord. i love this project, am getting too attached to it which makes me feel i should leave. But then i worry about how things would be without me - concieted bitch that i am.

Life is so funny at times that you forget to laugh.

football, business and other unrelated things

The final of the football match. We were hoping for both of our teams to make it to the final – that would have ensured a tension-free final. But alas, the football god was not with us. Only one team made it.

Of course, i had to go to cheer the team – considering how conceited i am, it is expected of me to think the whole world would collapse if not for my benign presence. The match started and i started my shout-jump-chew dupatta-pull hair out routine. But all my cheer-leading skill was not able to make the team score. The match went into a penalty shootout. Nothing doing. Sudden death. Nothing doing. And, such is the tragedy of my life that, after hours spent screaming and generally behaving like one of the football hooligans (not to speak of frayed dupattas!), our team lost in the toss!! They actually tossed a coin to decide the winner! Can you beat that?

We actually went ahead and talked to the company whose franchisee we are planning to open. We are undecided about the name of our company. And we fought over the posts - chairman, CEO and MD. And we realised we didn't even know who was more powerful!! Ha ha..Chale teen bandar business karne!! We might become bankrupt but then, how will we ever find out if we don't try. We are now in the process of searching for a place to rent.

There is an "management" event on saturday - lunch-cocktail dinner party thingy - at one of the best clubs in the city. i got the invitation today - the MD and president of our company is going to "show" us the path - but i have told p-da that i am declining the invitation. i am just not interested in going there, trying to make an impression or listen to them drone on about what our vision, goal omuk tomuk. And that too on a weekend. No way. No brownie points for me. i might be blacklisted but i just don't care. i have decided that i don't want to go up any further up the corporate ladder - i have no patience for their high sounding words which ultimately translate into nothing. i would rather do my job well, make sure the deliverable are excellent. Nothing more. Nothing less. i have no desire to spend 12 hours cosseted with them. As i was telling SC, i have a great desire to be sacked. Even if i wanted to quit, they would try to bribe me into staying. i asked him whether i would be fired if i were to go on saturday, get drunk and start dancing on the MD's table. He said it was unlikely they would sack me even then. Oh hell. How does one get around to getting fired?

the start of a new era

SM, SC and i have decided to collaborate and start our own business. It all started off as a joke. Since SM is earning in dollars, we keep telling him to help SC and me start our own restuarant. We discarded that idea. Then we came up with the idea of starting a book store. Discarded again. Now we are thinking of owning a franchisee. We are so excited about it. Now it remains to be seen whether we can actually get this going.

Out of our two teams in the semis-one made it to the final. Hoorey!!

the ball game

Back home after cheering the team to a win in the quarter-finals.

i am not a football fan. It is a game i don't follow - i can never figure out the fouls and corner worner. i can watch cricket and tennis because i know the rules - well, the basic at least. But football - no.

There is a football league going on - for which they cancelled the word power event i was so looking forward to win. Our project fielded three teams. SC has been after me to go and watch the matches. i refused. But his nagging skills being of legendary proportion, i was forced to give in. i warned him that it was not going to be pretty - i am given to shouting my lungs out and jumping like an idiot when i go to games, even ones i don't follow! He said fine, we will shout together.

So there i was, the lone female on the football ground, screaming my lungs out -GO, GO whenever one of our team members even ventured near the ball; OHHHHH SHITTTTTT whenever a goal was missed; clutching my head in agony when the opponent scored; jumping up and down clapping like crazy when our team scored. Looking at me, you would have thought football is my life!

Today was the quater-finals. Out of our three teams, two have made it this far - no thanks to my cheering skills! There were at least some other "birds" of my feather, oops..gender today. But they were so prim and propah - they were all watching from behind the wall while yours truly climbed up a ladder to get to the ground and stood at the sidelines ready to roll up non-existent sleeves and join in should a fight break out.

i jumped, shouted, jumped and shouted, clutched head, chewed my dupatta and made such a ruckus that i think everyone was looking at me - or so i would like to believe! Inspite of my over zealous cheering, the team did not score and there was a tie-break. i cheered so loudly when the other team missed that i am scared one of them might trip me tomorrow in the office! The score stood 1-1 after three shots. And then - sudden death. When the opponent missed, you should have heard us!! And when we scored, we invaded the field. Mairi, it was fun.

The second team is going to play at around 8 - must have started now - so SC and i left. Enough cheering for one day. i threatened one of the kids that i would assign some mean task tomorrow if they lose!! i am so nice it makes me want to cry.

300

(One of my fave pictures i have sketched on iPhone.)

What does it takes to make one happy? Happiness – what is it? This emotion – how do you define it? Is it the absence of sadness? Or a state of mind when everything looks and feels good? When i say i am happy, what exactly do i mean???

So yesterday, after office, i decided to go and buy some chicken for dinner – no, not from Mac – from the neighborhood maangso (meat) shop. Then i remembered that i have less than 100 bucks with me. This thought made me so happy – ok, one more proof that i am not normal. i checked my wallet - which is pointless given that it is the last place where i put money! My bag is as unorganized as me – that is another story. Coming back to the current story, i rummaged and counted and found that i had just about enough money for the rickshaw fare and about 700g of chicken!! This made me so happy – the fact that i did not have enough money to buy even one 1kg of meat! Somehow, it made me feel so human, so happy knowing that i had to count and re-count the money to make sure i had enough.

i have decided not to go to the ATM and survive with just a few bucks. Do you think something is wrong with me – i mean, is it normal to feel this happy about not having something? You would expect the opposite. But then, i am not normal by any yardstick.

And this is my 300th post. i am old now – 300 posts old. Ancient.

cribbing--no, i am not

i won’t do a “depressed” post today. Which is tough going by the state of my mind. And i find i don’t have any topic in mind. Which would mean that apart from cribbing i don’t have much of a life.

i am going through a mid-life crisis, i think. When, all of a sudden, nothing seems good to me. i am so distracted all the time. By the hints of possibilities. But, as usual, i refuse to open the door when opportunities knock. Why am i so laid back?

What do i want? God, what do i want?? Oh god, there i go again…..

OK, ok….books. Let me talk about books. i am reading “Cancer Ward” right now – see, even my choice of book is depressing. It is by the Russian author whose name i cannot pronounce. It is an old book – i think we bought it from a second shop some 100 years back. It was his choice, surprisingly. Apart from those Oracle Woracle books, he does not read. So i don’t know why he bought it. Anyways, this book has been lying on the shelf for so long, it has sprouted roots – i didn’t read it because i was not the one who picked it (???!!) and i somehow found the cover depressing – now i know why they said you should not judge a book by its covers. Since i ran out of books, i was searching for one i could re-read when i found this one all dusty and unwanted – which also speaks a lot about my housekeeping skills.

And i love this book.

i have not finished “hundred years of solitude”. It is the kind of book you want to continue reading and hoping it won’t end – and since it is very unlikely to happen that way, i stopped reading before i could come to the end. i know, i know, i sound silly. But i want to start reading it again right from the beginning after say, 2 years – if i am still alive – and then stop halfway. One unfinished story i would take to my grave.

i feel like cribbing again so i shall end this post.

when life beckons,
do you rush into its arms?
or do you stand prim and proper,
tied to your obligations?
tell me, do you dream too?
Do you gather feathers
to weave yourself wings?
do you collect your tears
to water your withered dreams?

the D word

After what seems like ages, i chatted with S. He is in India right now for his Visa. The last time we talked was last year when i visited the States. After that, we dropped out of each others' lives. This has always been the way with us - we can spend years not in touch and when we meet/chat again, it is like we have never been apart from each other. He is someone i like talking to because he is the one person who would always tell me the harsh truths.

He is someone who taught me that i do not have to accept everything; the one who made me feel that being stubborn and selfish is ok.

S told me his sister is getting divorced. Of course, my first reaction was "A divorce?!!". And then i told him how just typically middle class was my reaction. As if getting a divorce is a smear on one's character. He told me she tried and after 5 years of trying she decided she had enough. i admire her strength. Of having the courage to decide that enough is enough, that devoting 5 years of your life to a relationship does not mean that you have to endure it for a lifetime.

It takes guts to untie the knots, to unglue the memories, to undo the vows. It takes guts to walk away with your dignity intact.

And why is that people expect that once a woman gets married, she has to give up her dreams and live his and his family's dreams? Why is that they expect her to give the first priority to his parents before her own? i thought marriage was about building new ties, not about breaking old ties to foster new ties. Why is she expected to make all the sacrifices, all the compromises? Why is she supposed to merge her identity? Isn't marriage supposed to be a journey to be undertaken by two souls hand in hand, not a journey where the woman has to follow where the man leads?

interpretation of dreams

When i woke up this morning, i vividly remembered my dream – the faces, the scenes. In the dream i had yesterday, there was a fishing contest and i saw this Chinese team with a huge boat getting the fishing net ready. i can remember seeing the features and dresses of the people in the boat, the way the way went about hurling the huge net in the sea. It was so real.

And i was left wondering whether the people i see in my dreams are people my sub-conscious makes up or these are people i have seen somewhere – maybe in magazines or TV. None of the faces were familiar. Does that mean that the mind can “manufacture” people, even clothe them in the right attire for the situation in the dream?

The places i see in my recurring dreams – do they exist or does my mind make it up from the things i read? i dream quite frequently of this place – it is barren, hillocks scattered everywhere, not a soul in sight. And somehow, the place is so peaceful, i feel like i have arrived home.

Freud, where are you???

nostalgia and other dark thoughts

Home. The other day i pined for home. i am not the overtly nostalgic type. But when nostalgia attacks me, i am left reeling.

Home -open space, blue skies, Ema’s kitchen garden, the peaceful silence peppered with the singing of birds and the chattering of my little cousins, watching the birds fly home with my head on my mother’s lap, the lazy, unhurried meals with my family. Where the moments linger to catch a breath.

The home i knew – would it still be the same now that i am not the same anymore?

My home. My family. And thousand of miles away, here i am searching for meanings that just might not exist, chasing rainbows that lead to nowhere, with people i know and yet do not know.

And yet, the path to home has overgrown with thorns. i do not have the strength or will to cut through it and go back.

Here i am, with my nest in another world. The wings that brought me here would not flap to take me back. i have emerged from the cocoon – to still find myself a caterpillar.

Suddenly, i am so tired. Of this life. Of the meaning that eludes me. Of mundane worries that crease my forehead and crumple my sleep. i am tired of fighting - To defend my beliefs, my truths, my dreams. i want to let go – to let go of my sanity, drop by drop, thought by thought.

private dining experience

Private dining. i have often wondered what that means. Have seen many new restaurants with the tag “Private Dining”. Asked around but no-one had an answer,

Luckily for us, SM became a “mama”. The occasion gave me an opportunity to demand a treat from him. The good soul he is, he readily agreed. Since he is in US, he gave us a “long-distance” treat – meaning he transferred money and we went without him!!

We went to one of the places tagged with “Private Dining”. And it was quite an experience. The good was delicious and very, very expensive. And the service was what pleased me the most. We are so used to going to places where you really have to be talented to catch the waiter’s eye if you want something like say, extra cutlery or even water. Here, the waiters outnumbered us, i think! They would not even give us a chance to open the mineral water bottle. You reach out for the bottle and lo, a waiter would be at your side pouring the water!!

The most fun was the “cigarette-lighting” experience – and no, i don’t smoke. Every time one of the guys fished out a cigarette, a waiter would materilaise, seemingly out of nowhere, at his side with the lighter ready. They must have cigarette sensor or something because they did it without fail every single time. i was practically squealing in glee – i know i am so “dehati”!! i made the guys smoke cigarette after cigarette just for the sheer fun of seeing the waiter light the cigarette – reminded me of old English movies!

i guess they call it Private Dining for the sheer amount of attention they shower on you. Even though we could have gone out for lunch twice with the amount we shelled out, it was worth the money.

As public smoking has been banned, we would not go there anymore!

i managed to collect 4150/- for the Mali’s treatment. Which would be the biggest contribution from any project. See, i am so good at begging/demanding!

from behind the cloud...

i have not been able to synthesize even the hint of a smile the whole day. i am angry – with the world but mostly with myself. My voice sounds like it has poison laced with it – bitter and dark.

The “mali kaka” of our company is going to have an operation. They sent out a mail asking us to collect money from the team – it is optional but i have taken it upon myself to make sure everyone chips in at least something. So i have been going from desk to desk saying “Taka dao”. It is for a good cause so i don’t mind going around asking for money. Have managed to collect about 2K till now. Have about 30 more people to bug and extort money. This task has managed to lift my spirits a bit. i even managed to squeeze out a smile or two.

The end of another day. How many more such days left in my kitty, i wonder.

in the dark...

The one feature about i-Phone i like is “Sketches”. i spent the weekend “sketching” and quite loved the outcome.

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to smile.

i so wish i can exorcise the demons inside me. These feelings that claw at my innards, making me bleed, these ties that smother.

i pretend i am so strong. If only you could see me cry when the lights go off.