One step at a time.....

Let me take my time,
To wipe these tears.
Let me savour this pain,
Of having loved and lost.
Let me mend these wounds,
One stitch at a time.
Let me untie these bonds,
One thread at a time.
Let me erase your love,
One memory at a time.
Let me –
Just let me be alone.

heartbreak season -II

If you must,
Then go.
But tread slowly--
For you walk on my dreams.
If the shards of my broken dreams
Should make you falter
Sweep them aside
But do not stop.
If you should turn back -
Honey, i would be long gone.

heartbreak season...

You are but a touch away
But how do i bridge this chasm between us?
This thin line between love and hate—
Have we crossed it in a moment of passion?
We both lay,
Wrapped in this blanket of silence.
One move, one touch, one smile
It is all that would take to break this spell.
But we wait—
Prolonging this hell we are in.
We toss and turn and sigh in our sleep
Hoping the other would hear the pain
That echoes in the silence between us.
Wounded pride and broken hearts—
Is that all that remains of our love?

chunk candle

One of my babies!

gender confusion?!

His parents are coming over today – so we have been trying to clean up the place and make it spick and span. They are sticklers for neatness – everything has to be in its place and all that.

i, on the other hand, am untidy to say the least. Maybe it is having grown up with people always tidying up after me – at home, i had my big sisters; in hostel S used to tidy up the corner of my room; now he does the tidying up. i have books in every corner – read and leave them, that is my policy! Hell, i can’t even fold a shirt properly – not that i am proud of the fact! i could be possibly one of the worst home-keepers in this world. i seem to float around in my own world where mundane worries occupy no place. But, to my credit, when i do take up house cleaning – rare occasions indeed - i go the whole hog.

Sometimes, i wonder why it is that i have so few feminine traits – no, i don’t feel like a guy trapped in a woman’s body! i can’t stand perfumes – i breathe through my mouth when i am in a perfume shop much to S’ amusement -, am emotionally allergic to ornaments of any kind – i did go through a phase in college when i wore earrings and junk jewellery. Now the only thing i wear willingly (apart from clothes, that is!) is a platinum ring. i don’t like frilly garments. No wonder S tells me sometimes “Tumi ki meye (Are you a girl?)”! Hah!

zen and the art of choosing cars!

Finally, after much debate, head-scratching, opinion poll of family members, we have bought a Zen Estilo. He wanted it before his parents come over on Thursday so it was sort of a hurried decision - of course we have spent many hours debating on whether we want to go in for a big car now – his dream CRV – or settle for a smaller car which we can dispose of later but i felt we were rushing it a bit. And since loan processing would have taken some days, he decided we should pay for it in cash so that we could get the car on Thursday. i didn’t feel like raining on his parade so i went along with his plan.

He wanted a WagonR because he didn’t like the look of the Estilo – well, truth be told, i don’t like either one of them but hell, the lesser of the two devils. We spent almost two hours at the showroom trying to make up our minds – he being a bit miffed that i didn’t go along with his choice. Oh great! i mean, people ask for your opinion and when you give them your opinion, they actually get offended that your choice is not to their liking! Anyway, there we were, checking out the two cars – oscillating between the two. In the end, i asked him to go for WagonR and he insisted on going for Estilo! God! His logic was that after he gets his CRV, i can drive the Estilo! Given a choice, i would dispose it and get myself something bigger – like a truck. Anyway, after looking at the features, we decided to ignore the not-too-impressive snub-faced look of the Estilo and went for it. S says it looks like a frog. i feel it looks more like a bug whose face has been squashed. But, as long as it can take us places, oh hell, does looks really matter? Oh well, it does. The only consolation is that we are not going to stick to it for a lifetime, so there.

And i am going bonkers about the 3D plan – we downloaded the trial version and god, am i impressed. We stayed up till 1 yesterday designing the blueprint of the flat. This is an excellent tool!

so tell me, do you fight?

The weekend – sigh, the weekend that was – punctuated with fights and make-up sessions. i am so tired of our silly tiffs – Friday always seem to bring out the worse in both of us. We both need a lesson in conflict handling. OK, making up is oh-so exciting but i would rather do without the fights. Do other couples fight too? Or are they so into each other that there is no scope of misunderstanding? i wonder.

Maybe it is partly my fault because i am too independent – i am too much into myself sometimes, OK, most of the times. But why should being independent be a fault? i guess i don’t like compromising and i cannot sugar coat my feelings – i mean i can be so blunt at times that it hurts the people i love. But what is the point of not being yourself with the ones you love – or even the ones you don’t? i mean, i don’t see any points in hiding my opinions or saying things i don’t mean just to make people happy. i know, as usual, i am being extreme. But i have been born with this attitude (eh?) – i love blaming everything on my genes! i just cannot hide my feelings – i have got too expressive a face for my own liking sometimes. Truth be told, i don’t like hiding my feelings – i would rather have it out in the open than have it festering inside. So be it crushes or loathing, you can always see it on my face. Which makes me a difficult person to be with – i admire his patience and love for having stuck to me for so long (it could be i have made him sick of girls now!! ha ha. Hey, i do have a weird sense of humour, ni?)

Oh enough of all this soul-baring-wearing stuff.

We are still undecided about which car to buy – it fluctuates from a 800 to Zen/Getz and their cousins. Now we are thinking of checking out the Indica Xeta. Such indecisive frogs we are. Which reminds me that i should stop being just a lazy ass and get my license.

And we are both going crazy about the plan for the flat – we keep changing our minds about the size and locations of the rooms. We went to meet the promoter on Saturday and he did help us out with some suggestions. He said yes to my plan to have those folding doors leading out to the balcony. But no bay windows .Now i am thinking of signing up for one of those online 3d software – just 15$ for a month and it is supposed to be helpful – much cheaper than hiring an architect or interior designer i say.

the cyclone that never came....

So the cyclone never came. Which left me slightly disappointed – i know this sounds cruel when you think about the havoc it could have created on lives but still…i woke up in the middle of the night and asked him if the cyclone had arrived. He said ‘no’. In the morning, the first thing i asked him was “Hasn’t the cyclone come?” He gave me an indulgent smile and said no. i had been preparing myself for heavy rains and gushing winds. Oh well, i should think about all the people whose lives were spared because a cyclone with a mind of its own decided to change its path. Maybe cyclones don’t fancy me.

i have been busy trying to make sense of all the data i have accumulated over the years. i think i have about 15 GB of data – which includes official mails, Design documents, my collection of songs -bangla, Hindi, Manipuri and English songs - my poems, recipes and what nots. It is getting quite out of hand. i wonder what i would do if i were to change jobs. Data hoarder – that is what i have become. i have deleted nearly 3 or 4 GB worth of data and it hurt – and i still have the 15 GB to safeguard!

We have been busy trying to re-design the new place. We have decided to go in for a 3 bedroom flat – with a study cum workshop kind of room where he can paint and i can make candles! It is tough trying to figure out how best to design the rooms. i want bay windows – it creates an illusion of space and i do need lots of space, as petite as i am! It is going to be a big place and i am looking forward to this project – this seems like a challenge worth taking. We would go meet the promoter tomorrow and put forward our design. The kitchen is going to be BIG and that is making me happy happy!

four blind mice...

Four Blind Mice – after abandoning yet another book halfway, i am reading this one now. By James Patterson, it is fast paced and my type of thriller – tales of murders sprinkled with a li’l bit of romance never fail to entice me! i think i will manage to get to the end of this one. i don’t know where this habit sprang up from – i have never been the type to discard a book without seeing to it that i read the last word. Am i growing old? – obviously i am.

My specs broke into half, literally! i went back from office yesterday, took out my lens and then i found my specs under my pillow lying there broken! i was heart-broken – of course i am being melodramatic. Since i cannot see that well without my glasses i had to put on my lens again. Ki kando. Now i have to go find someone to fix it. The troubles that dog us mortals!

S – the one onsite – says he wants to come back home. He is missing home, the poor soul. So i teased him about it – don’t expect me to dish out sympathy. i know he would find it tough to chuck his successful career over there. As i keep telling him, well you cannot have your cake and eat it too. So suck up and bear it or just come home. Life is all about the choices we make and how we deal with what our choices bring in their wake.

the weekend that was....

i am a ‘mashi’ once again - S gave birth to a baby boy this morning! Her husband called me up some time back to pass on the good news. i talked to S but she sounded groggy so i told her to get some rest and i will get back to her later. She told me the baby has my colouring. i am so happy for her! Like i said before, she will make a very good mother. She asked me to come over to Bangalore and have a look at the kid. S is like a sister to me. She is so different from me – very feminine, god-fearing, can never say ‘no’ to anyone and ‘bhodro’ down to her toes! She is the one who helped me master Bengali and appreciate Rabindra sangeet. My sister says i have very few friends but the ones i have are the kind who are willing to die for me – we are that close! S is one of them. And i love her.

The long weekend – i didn’t even have a chance to take an afternoon nap which is one thing i look forward to on a holiday. Friday was hectic – we did some cleaning around the house, went shopping for diyas, sweets and flowers. i made the first alpana of my life – we made it together. Then we lit the diyas (we ran out of ghee so we used mustard oil!!) and candles on the balcony – rushed down to take pictures! Then we went to the neighbour’s place with sweets – his idea, rather his mother’s idea. We went up on the terrace and watched the fireworks. i was planning on making jalebis for him but i didn’t . We made do with the stuff we bought and the sweets i got from my office. i don’t have much of a sweet tooth – i cannot or rather would not have more than one sweet at a time. But he loves sweets esp. soan papdi.

We went to visit the new place under construction – it would be complete by March next. It is about 20 minutes away from my office but would be about an hour or so from my place. We have booked two 2-bedroom flats and now we are wondering whether we should just merge the two and have a big 3-bedroom place with a bigger kitchen and bathrooms. The brickwork is not done yet so we have the option of making the modifications we want.

We went car-seeing on Saturday. Since our earlier plan was to fly the coop, he had dispatched his santro to Imphal. Now we are searching for a suitable car. He wants a Honda CRV but it is so expensive. Since we are not too sure about our plans i thought it would be better to buy a cheaper car so we would not have any qualms if we had to leave it here in case our plans take us overseas. i didn’t like the i10 – it does not do anything for me. But the new version of Getz looked OK to me so i was telling him maybe we should go for that. We also explored the option of buying a certified pre-owned (a better term for second hand!) car though i am not too keen about it. i mean, unless we are careful, we might end up with a car that would cost us quite a fortune in maintenance Maybe we will end up buying a Maruti 800! That would be fun. Or a rickshaw or maybe a tractor. Or a bicycle. Or maybe just stick to the ol’ faithful legs!

Yesterday, we were invited to bachou’s place for ‘ningol chakouba’. Emaibem is one of the best cooks i have known and we were looking forward to a great feast. And we were not disappointed. We were quite late – he took time getting ready, changing umpteenth shirts, asking me if he should wear this or that –the peacock! We had ilish (esp. for me!), baul mach (sareng), cauliflower, dal and singju. i, being a glutton, stuffed myself till i could hardly move. We decided to skip dinner and had tea and leftover kelichana. And i felt so hungry today that i called up the canteen at 12 and asked them when they were planning to serve lunch – much to S’ amusement! He said i must have overstuffed myself at lunch yesterday just so to save the money for dinner!

Bachou’s place is like a second home to me. i love spending time with them. Bachou is one of the most erudite persons i have known. He is the one who has inculcated in me the love of the written words, genetics, logical thinking and crosswords. i remember him teaching me chemistry and maths when he used to come to Imphal. Of course, we always argue – he thinks i am like a 5 year old because i watch cartoons with such glee! Emaibem is an elegantly soft-spoken person and she is like a mother figure to me. In a way, i am lucky. i am surrounded by such nice people. You would think some of their niceties would rub off on me but hard luck! i remain as refreshingly evil as ever!

week-ending thoughts

Looking forward to the long weekend ahead. Will pamper myself with a facial and maybe get him to treat me to his special "henna massage" - he is so good at it! Since i am one of those staunch non-believers, it will be just another day for me. But since he has faith in a higher authority and all that, i would help him celebrate it – light candles, decorate the house but no crackers... Thinking of making something special for him - but his increasing girth makes me think otherwise! Maybe i need to get him on a diet or maybe i should just stop cooking altogether. And we could starve to death in each other’s arms! What a thought.

Gave a training to the newbies. i remember being a bit uneasy when i gave my first training. i speak really fast so sometimes the kids have a tough time catching up. But i guess i have improved with time. Now, i relish giving training – provided i am not swamped with work. And it does help me increase my patience.

And Steel Junction apparently is not Tata Steel’s venture. i don’t know why i was so sure about it. But i liked the place – we bought a BIG dabba and two fancy kitchen stand. i was enamored with the kitchens on display. We are thinking of having a fancy kitchen in the new place we are buying – with built-in-oven and all those fancy kitchen stuff i am so crazy about. Then maybe i will quit my job and start a catering business. Nice thought, ni?

not made of steel

i still miss my man – but my aim is getting better. This is the book i am reading now. It was the title that caught my fancy. It is by Sarah something. Halfway through. Not something that is compelling enough to make me finish it in one go but entertaining nonetheless.

Today is dhanteras – not that i care much about festivals. But his mother wants us to buy something “shiny”. So we have decided to buy a steel dabba(container) - of all things! There is this place called Steel Junction (Tata Steel’s). i had my eye on it for quite some time now but never got a chance to go there. We have decided to go there, pick up something shiny and eat out! A relief because i am getting tired of going home and cooking everyday. Which proves i am not one of those indefatigable working women who can manage both office and hearth with élan. By the time i go home, all i want to do is slump in front of the TV with a steaming cup of tea. i am not made of steel - thank god! Cannot imagine myself all shiny and strong!!

dance with me, baby....

Now S and i have decided to do an ‘item number’ for the company annual day party – don’t know when it would be but it is usually held in December. We decided we would practice at home – he with his wife and i with my man. He does not know how to dance. i was teaching him a few steps of salsa yesterday. He was like “You are really moving your hips”! He stepped on my toes a couple of times – good thing we were dancing barefoot!

Of course, S’ and my item number might never materialize. i think everyone in the company will be shell-shocked to see us dancing. Plus we don’t know dancing that well to give a performance. But still we have been telling all the kids to join us and be the extras dancing in the background!

S and i have been really backbiting – i am getting frustrated with the quality of work the youngsters are delivering. Now that i am in charge, i don’t want anyone delivering anything less than prefect. So the reviews have become stringent. i know i am going to end up being unpopular but that is the least of my worries. i really like this project – i like the challenges it provides so it gets my goat to see people treating work so lightly. Am i transforming into a perfectionist?! Not likely in this lifetime.

Audit woe-dit

The good news first. Our company is going through the annual ISO audits. And i was scared our project would get selected. We had the opening meeting today – and the guy who is leading the audit is, umm impressive but a bit on the ‘paka’ type. He seems to have done all the certifications possible – VC++, Visual Basic, Oracle. i was impressed, albeit reluctantly. The good news is not the guy but the fact that our project did not get selected for audit. i literally jumped with joy when i came to know about it! i had been jittery about facing the audit.

The weekend was a mixture of moods – Saturday saw me morose what with the mega-fight i had with him. We were both nasty with each other – this relationship has too much passion with the end result that it spills over sometimes and leaves us scorched. i was almost ready to throw in the towel and call it quits – my patience and tolerance level is on an all-time low. i know he is going through a tough time and i am not helping any. Anyway, we did manage to cool down enough to patch up and manage to spend the weekend without stepping on each other’s toes. In fact, we had a good time yesterday. Went to the bank to open a joint account, did some shopping and had a hearty lunch of kangsoi and my special fried chicken. We even did some cleaning up together without coming to blows! And after a long time we played ludo – it is our favourite game. We use it to decide who will do the various chores! Yesterday, we played for old times’ sake. And i beat him hands down! Sometimes, this guy exasperates me. Sometimes, he drives me crazy with his TLC.

i want to take a long break and go on a journey – all by myself. Cut myself off from everyone and just take a plunge into the unknown. i have been getting more frustrated with the kids – they are beginning to bug me with their casual attitude. Oh hell, does it really matter? Does anything matters at the end of it all? i need a long break – from everything.

drama queen

Well, the drama continues. Yesterday, i had made up my mind that i would go back to my place if i didn’t hear from him. His flight was supposed to land somewhere around 4 in the evening. Yesterday was, as usual, another hectic day what with overseeing the juniors and trying to complete my own tasks. In one sense it was good as i didn’t have time to mull over why he didn’t call me up. Well, around 5:30, he did call me up. He wanted to know how soon i would be able to leave office and come. i acted cold (which comes naturally to me!) and told him i would come after i was done with everything. After running after the kids to get everything out and sending the status report, it was almost 6 by the time i was ready to call it a day. Pervert that i am, i dilly-dallied in the office so it was almost 7 by the time i reached his place. He knew i was miffed at him so he didn’t act cold. In fact, the silly guy was giving me his best smiles! But it takes more than some sweet smiles to soothe my ruffled feathers.

i am still sore at him. i know i am behaving like a kid. But hell, that is me. Take it or leave it.

love's labour not lost???

He is coming today. Am i excited? Well, we had a fight yesterday so i am trying to curb my enthusiasm about it. i didn’t even call him up to wish him happy journey. i know i am being petty, which i am.

Yesterday was a bandh over here. So i stayed over at his place which is about 10 minutes walking distance from my office. Slogged my ass off in the office the whole day. Just because he was coming today, i took the trouble of going back to my place after office, got my things and replenished his kitchen supplies. i don’t know why (OK, maybe because i was not in the mood to talk to him) but he thought i didn’t want to tidy up his place for him – it has been lying unlived for about a year now. Now, i really got irritated at him for jumping to conclusions (he must have been a rabbit in his last incarnation). So i told him he can stay there all by himself. i thought i would just take my things and go back to my place. But i thought of him coming home all tired and having to clean up. For a change, i didn’t up and go but decided to do what i had come to do. i stayed up till 1 in the night. By the time i was done, i was ready to drop down dead. i don’t know whether to stay angry with him or make up.

S sent over a bag for me and the earphones for my iPod (i manage to lose it within 2 days of using it!). He is a sweetheart – well, i always bully him but he has never been anything but nice to me. In fact, he is someone who will always insist on being nice even when i am mean to him – he says he cannot be angry with me no matter how much i provoke him. Ummm…