sayonara

Monday will see me playing pilgrim. The tour commences on Monday and i will be shuttling between all the holy places (with my load of sins!) till 5th June. i honestly don’t know whether to look forward to it. We have been advised to take light woolen clothes so, at least, it would be a respite from the sultry days that summer has brought over here.

We would be flying to Delhi on Monday, picked up from the airport and driven to Rishikesh. From there, we would start the char dham yatra. Would write about the trip in detail if and when i come back.

And so much for my resolve of celibacy!!!

ice ice baby

i think he knows that i would not take the first step this time around. He has been all sugar and honey. Even though i have been mono-syllabic. He tried to catch my attention by showing off the Morehgi torch that has a magnetic base and demonstrated it by sticking it to the microwave. And i remained very uninterested. He wanted me to cook pakora thonga but i told him i don’t know how and he should cook it himself (i really don’t know the recipe – other times, i would have called up home and asked ema). Any other day, he would have been “offended” by such “uncaring” behaviour but yesterday, he was like “Even i don’t know how” and left it at that.

i know he is trying hard to woo me again. He refuses to be irritated by my silence, my perfected-by-practice i-am-not-here look. He insists on talking to me even when all he gets in return is non-committal umms or a snobbish nod of the head. OK, i give it to him—he is persistent.

Since i believe in prolonging misery – especially when it is not me at the receiving end, i have managed to remain cold as an iceberg. i am such a spiteful creature at times that it amazes me no end. And pleases me too. Because being evil beats being good. If i were not aware of my lineage, I would have really thought i was the devil’s spawn.

And just so to remind myself that maybe i have a drop of goodness in me, i called up ema to ask for the recipe. This is exactly the reason why i am so much in love with myself – because i can never figure out what/who i am. And so i give myself the benefit of doubt and love myself. Do i even make sense? And do i even care?

bitter..better..bitter

He is coming over today. His flight must be landing as i type this. i never got around to telling him i care - i saved that boarding pass though. Maybe someday when things become hunky dory 'ween us (and if), i would show it to him to make him realise how silly i am.

i stayed up till around 1 in the night cleaning up the place. Got up again at 6:30 to continue with the beautifying. A place unlived in for around 2 months is no joking matter to spruce up. To add to my joys, the maid decided to play traunt. Why?? Why today of all days?? aaaaaaaaaaaghrhhh...i played the super-efficent woman worried whether i have left out anything. His father is coming along and he has this thing about neatness. i bet the first thing he will do is run his finger along all the surfaces to see if have dusted everything - which i did. To add ghee to the fire, mother dear called me to ask if i have cleaned up the place. i lost it then. i told her i am no-one's maid that i have to clean up this and that. i know, i can be so unfair at times. She knows me too well to be offended by my oh-so-frequent outburts.

Why is it that, just because i happen to be a woman, i am supposed to be good at all household chores? i mean, is it a crime if i am not "home-oriented"? It is as if all my other qualities count for zilch if i am not one of those "sati-savitris" who pander to their men's every wishes. i sound so bitter. That is because i feel bitter right now.

i think i want to stay man-less for some time. Celibacy has its charms too.

he speaks for me...

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
---neruda

dying thoughts!

i had one hell of a scary ride yesterday. The weather being cloudy, i was expecting the flight to be a bit bumpy. But hell, a bit turned out to be a little too much. I was trying to catch some sleep and the pilot announced that we were approaching Agartala. Cool. And then the plane started rattling. As luck would have it, i had parked my ass in the last seat which i believe is the bumpiest. For about 2-3 minutes (it almost seemed like an hour to me), the plane salsa-ed- up, down, left right, jiggling its ass, its wings. Turbulence, i have faced many a times without raising an eyebrow. But yesterday, i really thought the plane would take a final bow and plunge. The old woman who was seating next to me was rattling off all the prayers in the book. There were others who were crying.

All i could think of was the fight i had with him just before i left. Normally we always part with hugs and kisses and all that. Yesterday, we hardly talked to each other in the airport. i was thinking if I died, i would never be able to tell him that i still cared for him. i took out my boarding pass and scribbled “i love you” to him. i was thinking at least then he would know he was in my final thoughts. And then i thought if it should crash, then my bag might get flung away from me so i slung it across my chest so it could be found on my body!! So melodramatic, i swear. My life did not flash before my eyes. But the thought that i have left so many things unsaid troubled me. i think more than dying, i was scared of dying without making up with him. And of leaving my family behind.

The plane did not crash. And i still have not told him i care; still do care for him inspite of whatever i say. i am so silly. i might get run over today by a bullock cart and die and i might never get to say those three words to him. How stupid am i not to realize that life is not forever. That there is no guarantee that there might be a tomorrow to love.

Of course, i do know all of that. But my pride refuses me the pleasure of taking the first step.

Dil keheta he chal unshe mil
Uthe hi kadam rukh jata he
Hum dil ko kabhi samjhate he
Dil humko kabhi samjhata he

going..going..gone

So my bags are packed yet again. i fly back tomorrow to my old life. i really must get myself enrolled in those frequent flyers' programme.

Went shopping with big sister. Got some tops for my younger sister. Whenever i go shopping, i always end up buying things for her. With the end result that she has a wardrobe that is literally spilling over.

The trip would start on 26th provided they don't change their minds again. We were supposed to have gone on 19th. They must have been pendulums in their previous lives to be so indecisive.

i would be flying alone. He would come on either monday or tuesday. My mother asked me why we were not travelling together. i told her it was because we were afraid we might kill each other on the flight seeing how much we hate each other! Since no one ever takes me seriously at home, they laughed at what they thought was one of my corny jokes. ummm...But then, i think we don't hate each other. We are trying to but hating someone is tougher than loving them.

stormy friday

i think i made my sister cry today. My second big sister. She is someone who can never say no, who lets people walk all over her. You would never think we were related - we are like mutton and dal (eh?). Somehow, she seems to have inherited all the meek genes of our parents.

She called me up today to ask me if i was leaving tomorrow. She went on about how late she has to stay back at the school where is the headmistress. Now, this school is run by my uncle & aunt and they roped her in as the headmistress for the primary classes. And her tales of woe start from there. She is over-worked, gets blamed for everything..and yet, she insists on continuing because she feels it might create bad blood in the family. Oh hell, she would work herself to death just because she wants to be nice to people who don't even appreciate all the hard work she is putting in. i got mad at her because we have been telling her to quit but she keeps on with her "how can i let them down" whinings.

Today, what with my moods being all black, i just lost it. Normally, i don't usually tell her anything - but today, i just gave it to her proper for letting people treat her like a doormat. It is not just the school thing. At her home, she lets her sis-in-law, mil all treat her like dirt. She would never answer back, do all the hard work...Which makes my blood boil. And i am so frustrated because i cannot do anything to help her unless she helps herself. She is the one who has to stand up for herself. i am ready with all the help she would need if only she would first realise that she has to love herself first, rather than seek others' approval.

When i told my two sisters about it, they asked me whether she cried. Being the insensitive bitch i am, i didn't notice. i feel bad now. But i just had to tell her off. She deserves better than this. Nothing hurts more than seeing people you love letting themselves suffer. i wish she would learn to say 'no'. i wish she would realise that life is precious and that she should never give anyone the power to hurt her.

the do's and don'ts

i don't know whether it happens anywhere else, but over here, a woman is not supposed to cook during those 5 days of the month. Or worship. Because she is supposed to be unclean. i could/can never understand what is so unclean about a biological fact. i have always broken this "rule". i have done/still do everything i do on "normal" days during those 5 days and when i say everything, well, i mean everything!

His mother had a fit when she found out that i had cooked for them when i had my periods - you would have thought i had walked around naked or something. She knew me and she knew i was not going to relent without a fight. She said since they believe in all this, i should follow this for them when they stay with us. She said i could do whatever i like when they don't stay with us. Well, as much as i hate doing such things, i did it for her. And her beliefs. And it meant 5 days of respite from cooking. Not bad if you look at it from that angle.

i think whoever thought up of this was a woman. When you think about it, for someone who has to take care of big families, 5 days of rest would be manna.

On this topic, my mother is someone i adore for having never stopped me from doing what i believe in. She is a god-fearing woman who follows all these "do's and don'ts". but i don't remember her chiding me ever for not following what i didn't believe in. i love you, ema.

And cutting nails - we are not supposed to cut nails on our birth days. And certain days of the week - which i make sure i never remember. i cut my nails whenever i want to. The same applies to cutting your hair. God, the beauty parlours really must suffer over here. i think i have broken just about all these "dictates". Thank god they did not specify which days to abstain from you-know-what. Otherwise i would have been one weary lady trying to break the rule!!

And the thing is people, even people my generation, still follow all these without questioning why. i can understand why they came up with the one about not cutting your nails at night. In olden days when we did not have the nights as brightly illuminated as now, it would be prudent not to risk cutting your fingers along with your nails at night. But how is that applicable in these days?

There are so many do's and don'ts that i am not even aware of. The past one month has taught me just how lucky i was to have grown up in an environment where there were few do's and don'ts - and good ones at that, like not using swear words (which explains why, till this day, i have never used a manipuri swear word. Of course, being the hypocrite i am, i do dirty my mouth with english and bengali swear words!!), not discrimating people,... i think my parents brought me up right by not curbing my desire to find my own truths.

The truth is not what is handed down to you. It is what you extract from questioning things, finding your answers. i still have a long way to go in my quest for the meaning of life - but i do think i am on the right path. Well, even if i am not, at least, i would have died searching.

sleepy thoughts

How is it that the person you thought you knew so well turns out so different? Maybe my perception was coloured by the rosy glasses i wore and now that they are off, i can things in the real light. Or maybe i just painted a picture of my own and took that for real. i don't know anymore.

Human relationships (human? what do you know of animals? you know i hate this smart ass voice that has to pop up its head everytime..god) are so confusing. When i was young, i thought you could fall in love just once --as if love was a bottomless pit from which you cannot get out once you fall in! But now, i know different. Tagore said :

My heart is not mine to give to one alone
It is given to the many

Why am i writing this crap? i don't know...i really don't.

i would be leaving this weekend. And with no regrets. i have to really pull up my socks (i almost typed knickers...what would that make me?) and plan about the future. i know all i have to do is ask to to get a long term onsite assignment and run away for good. Maybe one good thing about being good at what you do is that you can be demanding and get away with it. But that is another story. i am seriously considering SC's offer of joining his project and leaving this country for good. But then, i think about my parents and sisters. At least, over here, i know they are just an hour away. i thought i would never see the day when i say this but i miss California. Or maybe i miss my life over there - carefree, when i could do anything i wanted--jump out of a plane, play softball, dance...What stops you from doing things over here? Oh hell, shut up.

SN invited me over to Bangalore because she thought i was losing my head to think of ending it (not my life, the relationship). She is a sweetheart. i am glad to have friends who cares for me so much. i know i can call them up anytime and they would be there for me.

i am sleepy now.

the unholy pilgrim

The irony of my life just does not end. i might be going for a pilgrimage to the Char Dham. The fact that i don't subscribe to any religion or God makes this trip ironic for me. Maybe my wish to go to the Himalayas is going to be fulfilled - but without the sack of ganja and books! But i want to accompany her on her last journey - we would be taking her ashes to immerge in the Ganga. The journey is going to be pretty hectic - i would be most probably dead by the time i come back. i am scared i just might turn into a scarecrow with all the trekking and vegetarian food.

As much i hate organised tours, we would be going in one. My only comfort is that we are going on a customised deluxe tour - just the three of us. i don't think i can take the stress of travelling with other people and having to go with their timetable. i hope the wind does not sweep me off the cliff or some melodrama of that kind.

The tour is going to be of 10 days. God, 10 days of non stop travelling, of trekking. Why is my "look-at-me-i-am-so-adventurous" self chickening out? Because i am not sure of the facilities in India (snobbish bitch!) - i mean, would they have proper restrooms, drinking water blah blah? Umm...

i don't even know whether i am looking forward to it. Maybe i will enjoy it. Maybe this trip will be the end of me (please stop being so bloody melodramatic. You are not in an Ekta Kapoor serial.).

Maybe i will come back converted - you will see me in saffron drabs singing "Hare Ram Hare Krishna". That just would be the day.

weighty problem

i think i am not too fond of myself right now. i have become too grouchy. And bitchier. My blood starts boiling at the drop of a hat these days. i think maybe that is one of the reasons why i seem to shed weight as fast as Mallika Sherawat sheds clothes - my blood is evaporating!

i weighed myself the other day and was shocked to find that all i account for is 42 kgs of the weight on this planet. My mother insists i am turning into a stick insect. Hell, it is not like i am starving myself. Or that i want to lose weight. i mean, who wants to look like a stick insect?

i think i hate him. i want to end things after we wind up things over here. i want this to be over. i am just so fed up of things.

i just hope i have the strength to see this through, not to bend to pressure again. Somehow, love does not make sense to me anymore. i am not even sure i am still in love. And i don't want to be with someone i don't love. i would rather be alone than be miserable this way.

i think he knows that this time he has lost me. For good.

i hope i don't change my mind, yet again. i hope i don't fall in love with him again. i hope i don't succumb to his moves. i just want to be alone.

tele-commuting

Tele-commuting is a concept i have always liked. What more fun could it be than to code in your PJs, sprawled on your bed with uncombed hair? It does take a lot of will to be professional when you tele-commute. The temptation to do other things when you are working is something you have to fight.

This is my first day of tele-commuting from Imphal. With the broadband connection that has a mind of its own, i am finding it a wee bit tough. i completed my assignments before lunch time much to the amusement of M-da who told me it would not do for me to work so fast while working from home! i need to slow down.

If the connection was a bit better, i would have enjoyed it much more. At times, i wish i was at office nagging the juniors and sipping free tea served with adda. S is back from his US sojourn and he must be missing irritating me. So many people to miss me when i am gone. i am almost flattered!