back...

i am in office right now after rushing here from the airport to get the laptop so i can work from home for the coming two weeks. The flight got delayed...i read some 100 pages of "One hundred Years of solitude". This book is being treated very much like a delicacy - i partake it in tiny morsels because i am scared it would get over...

i am hungry and tired.

i will be flying back on saturday. God, i feel like a lost bird.

help me, i am vanishing

Everyone keeps telling me how thin i have become...i could pass off for one of those anorexic models now if not for my height...And i have sprouted a bed of pimples on my forehead...as i look at myself in the mirror i cannot decide whether i am still beautiful.Was i ever beautiful? Always, like S would say...god, i am so shallow...i love myself...this really is a stupid post....i am out of my mind actually...i think i should stop here...

....

Yesterday saw me crying--sometimes life gets too much for me to understand. All my dreams, my plans, my hopes seem to tether at the edge of an abyss and i am undecided whether i want to go down along with them or watch impotently from the edge.

Maybe i am over-reacting, as always. Or maybe this time, i know i have to take the final step. It is tough. Well, nobody said life was going to be easy. i know i am going to be my own if i should take this step - i know i have to battle emotional blackmails, those back bitings...But when i think of it, i know i would be better off alone. i am not made of the stuff they expect me to be - i cannot sacrifice my life to ensure others' happiness. i am selfish and i am not ashamed of it.

Right now, i am ready to let go. Let go of the many years of love, of hurt, of tears, of smiles, of togetherness. Maybe i will never find a love like this again. But i know i will be able to survive. Life cannot take away from me that desire to live, no matter how rough it treats me.

i think he realises that i am half-gone. Physically, i am present here but emotionally, i am light years away. If he chooses the path he is thinking of right now, i am not going to accompany him along it. That much i have decided. i don't care whether people call me a slut. i would rather be a slut than to blindly follow someone just because i happen to love him.

Too many people interfering with our lives. Too many people ready with unsolicited advices. i only hope he comes to his senses before he loses me for good.

love...

Love does not mean i have to agree with everything you say. It does not mean i have to accept every decision you make. It does not mean i have to follow your path knowing it is the wrong one.

Having chosen you out of the millions does not mean i cannot 'un-choose' you. Having come this far together does not mean our paths cannot diverge now. Having loved you so long does not mean i cannot let go of you. A broken heart does not scare me any more.

Love - it does not mean anything to me right now.

no...

This is for "Me in Love". In a post on her blog she wrote about "saying no" and whether she is not a victim if she cannot say no.

Fortunately for me, inspite of being a woman who also happens to be a "chinky", i have not faced many situations where i have felt "scared". Maybe it has to do with the place - maybe the people here are a decent lot.

But i am sure if i were to face a situation where i am being stalked, i would be petrified. But if you ask me, a "no" does not need to be vocal - it does not have to be a single syllable shouted out in fear. A guy who is forcing himself on someone would know from your reaction that it is a 'no', right? It is OK to be scared, it is OK to be confused. Not being able to mouth a 'no' does not mean you are condoning his actions. He would know from your reactions that it is a "NO" - loud and clear.

The only experiences i have had with pests are in public buses - and i avoid them like the plague. When i find a guy slithering up to me, i say in my coldest voice loud enough for everyone around me to hear " Could you please stand a bit further away/could you please stand decently?". It has worked for me everytime. Maybe it has to do with my ice cold stare and voice - so says my sister!!

But lonely roads and late nights - it is a scary situation. Human beings are the scariest creatures because they are so cruel without a cause. Take care, brishti ( that is bengali for rain) and remember that it is not your fault ever.

N.B.: My state of mind (and stomach) being such that coherent thinking is a bit beyond me, i don't know whether my rambling would make sense. Hope it helped. btw, i am not a strong girl - only someone who has pretended to be strong for so long that it has become almost a mask i cannot take off even if i wanted - the tragedy is almost comic!

home no more

it seems wrong to feel this way. But i feel i cannot stay here in imphal for good. There was a time when i wished i could be at home and not flit in and out like a butterfly. Now, i feel like a stranger. i feel like a traitor but i feel i am not myself here. There are too many do's and don'ts here. And my soul cannot take it anymore. i love this place - this is the place where i grew up, the place where my roots are. But somehow, i feel i need to fly away. Pretty much like a fledging leaving the nest - i guess it feels the same. The attachment is there but not that strong to stop the wings from flapping and taking to the sky.

i have stayed away from home too long to let my roots find a place here again. i can't put a finger on what has changed in me or my home town to make me to feel this way. i think i am a nomad now. i cannot feel at home anywhere. i just want to move on from one place to the next before my roots can find peace.

There is a profound sense of sadness inside me. Maybe i have not grieved enough. i feel lost right now. i feel guilty at times that i don't feel sad enough, that i can still laugh. Contradictory emotions.

Does death has this effect on everyone? i feel like drained of everything now. And i am so easily irritated now that even my mother threatened to stop visiting me. i want to sever all ties. i want to be alone. All by myself. So that i never have to go through the pain of losing anyone. i know i am a coward. i always was. But i don't care. i love running away. i am a runaway gypsy.

Where i take my final breath, would that be the home i am searching for?

RIP

it is over..She left for good. Death- you realise it is so final. One moment you are here, the next it is all over. And human grief is so transient. In a way, it was the best for her. It would have been selfish to wish her to stay on battling all the pain just so we could have the consolation that she was still with us.

i cried--silent tears mixed with sobs. And there were others not so close to her who wept out loud calling her name, asking her why she had to go.

There are some things i need to decide now. i need to shed some emotional baggage and move on in life. Life is calling out to me and i feel the need to answer this call.

i am so worn out - physically and emotionally. It is no fun having to deal with people who come to condole and end up interrogating you - i mean, what the fuck, it is as if it is a circus. They have no sense of privacy. i know they must be having a hell of a time gossiping about unresponsive me. i am so fucking tired of having to answer the same personal question everytime someone comes to visit. i wish i could just scream out loud the next time to just mind their own business. i hate it. i hate it all. i wish this would end soon and i could back to life as it was before.

sleep therapy

When it gets too much to bear, i sleep and drift off to another world where pain has no address. Maybe i will be another Rip Van Winkle (or wrinkle or whatever..how does it matter?). In the end, nothing matters...absolutely nothing. So screw life...Let me just sleep.....

restless in imphal

What is it about my life that my plans always go the "man proposes god disposes" way? Last to last sunday, we were blissfully doing our sunday fill-up-the fridge shopping. We were almost at the end of it when a call came from his home to tell him to come home as soon as possible.
We decided to fly home that very day. Since we are antique pieces, we do not own a single credit card between us and since they don't let you use debit card, i called up S in the States to get hold of a kid who has a indian credit card tgo buy us our tickets and send us the scanned copy of the credit card. S, always my saviour, did the needful. We threw in a couple of clothes and rushed to the airport.

It is such tough time to see a person waste away - from being an active, ever bubbly self to a vegetable in bed, not being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. It is tough specially when the person is someone close to you and even tougher to see the guy you love go through the pain of seeing his own mother not being able to recognise him. i don't know how i am coping - i feel i am in an emotional daze. One day at a time, that is how i am taking it. The end of the day sees me totally exhausted - mentally and physically. i only hope i can go through this without snapping.

One bright spot is that i can make near perfect rotis now. Now if only perfectly round rotis could disperse the gloom in my life.