Nearly the end

One more day to this year... But then,why do we make such a big deal... It is just one day after another...

Was sick again- I think my body is giving up. Puked and had fever. Then got up today for the health screening because I left it till the last moment and if I didn't do it before 31st, I will not be able to claim the 400 $. Went to CGH because they were the only people who had any slot left.

Off to Bali tomorrow for one week. How is that for ending and starting a year! I hope I get better tomorrow....I will be damned if i let this body ruin my travel plans...

Sad

I lay listless

On a bed made of thorns.

I shed tears of bitterness

That burns and scalds my cheeks.

I curl up into myself

And squash the dreams inside me.

I reach inside and strangulate

Each of my unborn dreams.

I sit up and scream

A silent scream he will never hear.

I cut up the bonds 

That have tied me down for so long.

I climb the highest tower

And with a smile 

I slowly spread my invisible tattered 

wings

And I fly....

Away from you...

Love

Love, someone said, is not made of stone

It had to be made and unmade like bread.

So we made our love 

into bread.

And, slice by slice, we ate it up.

Until crumbs are all that we have left.

???

OK, so we got invited to the birthday party of his friend's daughter. The time said 12. We arrived there at 12 and find we are the first person - the only person there was the girl's father!!! WTF? Indian standard time.

So here i am, sitting in a corner, nursing a headache and wondering when this would end -and  it has not even started yet...

Yesterday, we went to DTF for tda's birthday lunch. We love that place. Just because he did not want a cake, we got one!!! I did not have much of an appetite - k and the others kept pressing me to eat more. Which made want to scream .. I hate it when anyone does that.

The past few days, I have been going back to the past. Unwillingly. Memories of distant places and even more distant people kept flashing in and out. I know my defenses are down but I cannot take this anymore. I want to give up the elf for adoption and run away to the Himalayas loaded with books and grass. I still need to buy a iPad.

That or I want to become a street walker and sell my body and soul and anything that is left.

I think I am finally losing the plot.

Down down down

Down with god-knows-what... Worked from home for the second day but have to drag myself to office tomorrow because I want to wish T-da on his birthday and also because I might go mad wallowing in my misery.

C got the books - two haruki. I hope t-da likes them. 

I can hardly drag myself out of bed- I work in bed and then read just to get distracted. I was telling t-da I need to get stoned on LSD.. OD and found dead in bed. That sounds like a nice way to snuff out life.

We got paid our bonus - not as much as I would have liked but yeah, enough to make my hands not quiver when

I buy those expensive clay stuffs I am

getting obsessed about. Money. The things we do for it. The things we cannot do for the lack of it.

I have a wad of tissue stuck up my nose as it refuses to stop leaking. If only they sold nose napkin just like sanitary napkin. Maybe a nose tampon. Anything.

And I have this stupid cough which i hope does not end up in an asthma attack. I so don't need one right now. The fever is gone and so is much of the ache.

I realize I  am not a very nice person and I have made my peace with it. Maybe the world needs more un-nice peeps like me. I got the word peeps from t-da who I am very happy to say has been promoted!! On that happy note I will drop off to sleep induced by cough syrup. Give me LSD.

Life...

I am sick - both physically and emotionally. All I feel like doing is closing my eyes and not waking up again...but the elf calls, the books call...

The words have dried up, the chasm too deep to fill in... And I wonder is it worth saving.. 

Love..what does it mean? I don't know anymore. But I have this ache inside, this longing..for whom, for what, I don't know..

How easy is it to forget? How easy is it to cut your losses and move on? How easy is it to wipe the taste of love from your life? How easy is it just to stumble from one second to the next? How easy is it to   just live and not be alive???

What am I doing here? Why? What is the purpose of it all?? What is the meaning of this meaningless existence? I am so tired of all the questions. I am so tired of the constant echoes of discontent in my soul. 

I wish I could fade away - like my dreams that seduced me into thinking there was more to this life.. I wish I could pour away my life, one meaningless drop after another into the endless gutter that surrounds me.. I wish I could cut away these chains that tie me...

And now I know why I turn away from any intoxicant. Because I know only too well how easily I will succumb to just drifting away.. trying up chase my dreams on the wings of an illusion...

...

The sister arrived yesterday with goodies for me and the elf. Now I have all the dried yendem, soibum, nga ayaiba, dried hawaizar and other stuffs from home to last me a lifetime! 

The elf is excited to have one more soul in the house to help him with his coloring and god knows what else and generally have someone to bully!

The potluck at work went off well - the red curry was much appreciated. We ate so much that we all were half asleep post  lunch. The joys of overeating.

Nothing

It is the middle of the night. I finished reading a thriller, with the elf insisting on using my arm as his pillow! 

I suddenly missed him -you know how it is like. You feel like you have to tell him how you feel so I mailed him instead...I am the kind who communicate better in writing...

Why is it that some women insist on being martyrs ( i don't know what is happening to my brain - I had to look up the spelling)..why do they think that they have no say, that being submissive is a virtue, that being a woman means you have to sacrifice, that suffering is your lot. Why? I am as equal, if not more superior than the guys around. Just because I don't have balls does not mean I am a lesser being... 

My eyelids are half closed as I type this. When I wake up, the sister would be here. To think he is just a few hours away - but it feels like he is light years away when I cannot touch him or wake up in the middle of the night and feel him lying next to me...but sometimes, you have to let go...to see him live his dreams is more important - or so I console myself. Actually, I should hate him...but I don't ... That is the tragedy of life-- I think...I am actually half asleep...

Morbid thoughts

Why do morbid thoughts creep into my

mind when I least expect them? i wish i did not have thoughts running around my head all the time - I mean you would think them thoughts would get exhausted and drop down dead but no, I get the pleasure of their company almost every waking hours. I think I talk to myself so much inside my head that it is like there is another world in there...arghhh..,

I should learn to be more patient, devote more time to things that count. Easier said than done...

Why is that I cannot think to my resolve - to be a better person, at least to the people who mean the world to me? It is like I have this mean streak inside me... Why am i never understanding? Why? 

OK- let's do it this way, girl. Everyday, do at least one nice deed. Count upto 100 if you have to but bite your tongue to stop cruel words from escaping your mouth. Try to come out of you damn narrow comfort zone and be open to new things (orgy?? Oh what the f&@@$... Please shut up - I just cannot stand my perverted sense of humor at times...)

I am going mad, as you can see...it is a Friday (so??? ). 

I am going to spend the weekend cleaning up the apartment. Which makes me realize what a gem he is -- the place is so neat and tidy when he is around. 5 days and the place looks like a --/I don't know what to compare it to/. 

There is a potluck on Monday at the office--I can going to cook Thai red chicken curry. Need to go to the wet market to buy basil.

I need to buy a pair of jeans- the one that I have now is almost 3 years old. Why am I writing this? Obviously because I have nothing better to write about.

What is the meaning of life??? Oh god, here I go again...but what really is it that we live for? I mean, why do we bother about such trivial things like a piece of code not working, of what people think about you, about bank balances, about the conversion rate of sgd to inr, about everything. The more I think about it, the more nothing makes sense to me. It will all end when I die..so why should I give a damn about anything..So when somebody tells me about any of their woes, I say 'how does it matter in the over all scheme of life?'...but is there a scheme to life...when I think about the fact that there is just this one life, I get depressed thinking about all the places I would never visit, all the people I would never know....here I am, coding and fixing bugs... Is that all there is to life??? 

There are so many things I have not done -- I have not tried LSD, not gone to Africa or seen the aurora borealis, no Sahara desert, no pyramids...heck, I have not even been to loktak lake....

Am I sad? Not really...But it is just that I have these thoughts inside of, these questions...

Do you know my favourite color? It is black. That is the color of me --dark--

Doing just fine

Surprisingly, i am holding up quite well alone with the elf. I am making sure he is occupied - even took him to the nearby park so he could ride his scooter and run.

We - t-da, k and I went in search of dosa for lunch and ended up eating prata and mutton curry. It was ok but a bit on the spicy side and I have a 'burning' stomach to pay for it. So I had  one ready made Prata with blueberry jam (what ????) and green tea for dinner. I know... I am so silly.

The sis has gotten her visa and would be here on monday morn- thank god for that. At least, there will be somebody to make me morning tea!!! Ha ha ha...

Something funny happened at work. T-da threw a ball of blue tack to K and it hit him on his lip and he had a fat lip!! We told him he looked like mumtaz pouting (you know she the yesteryears Bollywood actress). Poor K - we bully him do much it is a wonder he even comes to office.we ought to be sacked! But I think he secretly enjoys us pulling his leg...

And on the way back from lunch, I nearly fell down from the escalator because I was larking around as usual . When will I grow up?

Have the monthly leads meeting tomorrow at 6 in the morning. I mean bloody 6 when nearly the whole side of this world is sleeping... sheesh... The things I do for money...hope I get up and dial in and behave like a grouchy bear....grrrrr...

My dolls

Inspired by Japanese kokeshi dolls. Made from air dry clay and varnished. 

Pissed off

The day started off well enough...the leads meeting got cancelled - try attending meetings at 7 in the morning. Just because we have to cater to the US guys! 

I had to get a document from my bank. Because I was born an idiot, I did not think of carrying my NRIC or passport. "sorry we need to see an identification". I normally don't swear these days - what with trying to preserve the dignity of my grey hairs- but today I said "oh shit" and not in a nice way.

So I rushed home - in the bloody hot sun. Went back armed with all the identifications I could think of. I had given the request over the phone on Saturday and was told the document would be ready for collection at 10 in the morning today.

They made me wait and wait.. While my blood boiled and spilled over. They got my surname wrong. I asked them to correct it. They got it wrong in another place. I was getting super pissed off. So pissed off that when I saw the feedback form lying nearby, I vented all my fury and wrote enough to fill the page. I could not find a Dropbox for that and the girl at the counter said pass it to me and I will pass it on to the manager. It must be breathing its last in the waste basket.

I came to the office fuming and spewing. T-da asked me to tell him all about it and he would go and see to them! So I was narrating my woes to a small audience. I normally kick off my shoes once I reach my cubicle but today I was so pissed off that I even kept my shoes on.

I am getting old. My patience, which to start with was meager, is now non-existent. 

Went swimming with the elf, baked a cake for C whose b'day it was today.made 3 kokeshi dolls. Talked to him on skype. Modern technology - he can still see my nostrils flaring in mock-anger when he asks me things like "did you water the plants? Did you switch off the lights? Did you drink enough water? Did you eat?" cooked hanggam with hawaizar and had all by myself. I love my kitchen aid stand mixer. It is black - my fave color. 

Nothing to write

i got the blogger app installed on my iPhone - thought that would at least tempt me into writing more. It might fizzle out just like all things i plan but at least i am trying,ni?

Singapore is growing on me - i like the fact that it is safe over here, that you never feel insecure even if you are out late. Of course, it has its warts but which place does not. i hate it that cars are so expensive that we cannot think about buying one, not till i save up for a couple of years. But then, you see almost everyone has a car - which makes me think if everyone else is super rich. That or they take car loans. I could take a car loan - but then I would rather not. Plus the public transport is really good and the taxis are cheap. So maybe we don't need a car but I like the flexibility of having your own transport

.

Which brings me to my never-accomplished goal of learning to drive. I did take lessons once and was ready for a driver's license test but I don't remember why I never went for it. You can get a license from Imphal without taking a test - yes, it is sickening. And my parents used to ask me if I wanted the. To get me one - I must have blasted them off like I always do about how wrong that is - so I have no license to my name. Big deal.

Did I say we have been to Malaysia in a taxi??? I kid not. You can take a taxi to go to Malaysia - it is that close. We have been to legoland in Johor Bahru 4 times - we got annual tickets and like all self-respecting middle class folk, we had to get our money's worth out of the annual tickets. Plus the elf loves Legos and I love the 4d show. 

We have been to Thailand too and snorkeled for the first time in my life. We stayed in a two bedroom house complete with kitchen and a huge balcony from where you could see the beach. I am bragging! He managed to get the car we had rented knocked up a bit and that cost us a small fortune. But I must be getting wiser because I consoled him (instead of bitching) saying it is only money - it will come, it will go. Or vice versa. I am sooooo bloody nice and wise!

I love planning the trip - I am a good googler.. I have lost count of the number of places I have visited virtually. I can tell you how to go to the so many islands - which one is budget friendly which one is expensive. He keeps teasing me about the fact I would be constantly looking at all possible destinations at least two weeks prior to making up my mind. But it is fun. 

That is all the crap I can think up of today.

Two posts in one day??????

Just wanted to update that SM was blessed with a baby girl. I am so happy for him and A.

It is true that we have drifted apart after he got married. I put it down to him discovering life with someone new, someone he loves. He had always been an important part of my life - my rock of support at times. And it was hard for me to take in the beginning that I just could not call him up at whatever hour I like as I used to do in the past. Maybe we don't share as much as we did, but I would like to believe we still wish nothing but the best for each other.

Like I said before, life goes on.....

Hiya

I have been guilty of neglecting my blog. I just do not have the energy at the end of the day to gather my thoughts- yes, I must be growing old.

So many things happening. He has gone for 3 months to start his business - I am alone now with the elf for one week till the sister comes. I miss him already.

I have taken up clay and I am becoming  quite good at it - see, age does not mellow my immodesty! The condo has an oven so we are always baking.

And we bought a kitchen aid stand mixer which costs a fortune- din't ask me why..we end up buying stuffs we can ill-afford..but in the end, it is just money...it will come and go...

To borrow a phrase from a song:

Shiga daba punshini

Nungngai thokshi keidouge

Roughly translated:

Life is going to end one day

Why not enjoy it

For a change, I turned money wise and invested in an education policy for the elf. Shelled out enough to make my bank balance groan but at least I can rest assured now that he is provided for. Also, we took out life insurance policies. Age is catching up with me - why else would I even think of death and long term disability and other stuff like that?

Work is, well, work. It goes on...and life, well, life is life.. It has to go on...

Day 1

1st day of separation. He is going to be away for about a month. After ages, I feel the pangs of saying goodbye again, even if for a short time. My sister is here to keep me company. The elf insists he does not miss the one who is not here - he thinks getting a present when he comes back is worth it. I wish I could have that outlook towards life. I have started swimming. We moved to a condo we can ill-afford but it has the luxury of a swimming pool and two balconies. Which makes it worth the rent that makes my bank balance bleed. Whatever. The elf is too over-confident in the pool. Just because he has those damn arm-bands that keep him afloat, he thinks he is super-man and gives my heart many a scare trying to impress us with his 'swimming' skills. He takes after me in the immodesty department. I have stopped blogging for so long. I don't know why. It is just that I do not have enought time for myself. The little time I manage to steal, I am either surfing the stupid net reading inane articles or reading. I thought I would blog everyday he is away. At least that should make up the quota for this year. Welcome me back.