home no more

it seems wrong to feel this way. But i feel i cannot stay here in imphal for good. There was a time when i wished i could be at home and not flit in and out like a butterfly. Now, i feel like a stranger. i feel like a traitor but i feel i am not myself here. There are too many do's and don'ts here. And my soul cannot take it anymore. i love this place - this is the place where i grew up, the place where my roots are. But somehow, i feel i need to fly away. Pretty much like a fledging leaving the nest - i guess it feels the same. The attachment is there but not that strong to stop the wings from flapping and taking to the sky.

i have stayed away from home too long to let my roots find a place here again. i can't put a finger on what has changed in me or my home town to make me to feel this way. i think i am a nomad now. i cannot feel at home anywhere. i just want to move on from one place to the next before my roots can find peace.

There is a profound sense of sadness inside me. Maybe i have not grieved enough. i feel lost right now. i feel guilty at times that i don't feel sad enough, that i can still laugh. Contradictory emotions.

Does death has this effect on everyone? i feel like drained of everything now. And i am so easily irritated now that even my mother threatened to stop visiting me. i want to sever all ties. i want to be alone. All by myself. So that i never have to go through the pain of losing anyone. i know i am a coward. i always was. But i don't care. i love running away. i am a runaway gypsy.

Where i take my final breath, would that be the home i am searching for?