airport blues...

Just back from the airport after seeing off kaku and kakima. i make it a point never to go to the airport to see off or receive people esp. over here. This is the first time i have been there to see off someone. i don't like goodbyes and most of all, i don't like seeing other people go home when i am stuck here! But i made a concession because i like kakima. She is such a sweet soul - the kind you take a liking to at the first glance - which is a rare thing for me, i mean liking someone at first glance. i felt bad to see her go off.

The toughest thing has always been our good-bye. Every time, we swear it will be the last time we see each other off, the last time we hug and try to capture a bit of each other to last us the lonely nights. But life throws us apart each time...he in one continent, i in another..

i hate watching him leave, i hate watching him watch me leave. i loathe the trips to the airport, i loathe hugging him goodbye, i loathe hearing him whisper 'i love you' as he hugs me goodbye...because i love him so...

silence of the lambs

i have not watched the film. But thought i would read the book. i thought of testing the water by getting Thomas Harris' Red Dragon - silence of the lambs and hannibal came after red dragon. i did find it palatable. So i got myself the other two books.

It was good - well, i did not finish it in one sitting as i normally do. But it had more to do with my unusually busy "social life" than with the lack of pace of the story! Coming back to the book, it was good, but i did say that before, didn't i? i am rambling...

The only spoiler, if i can call it that, was that since i knew jodie foster and anthony hopkins played the part of Clarice Starling (She is the FBI investigator who got to the maniac) and Hannibal Lecter, their images kept springing up in my mind. His storyline was taut but i am not too impressed with his writing style.

"Hannibal" is next on my list. Going by the reviews, this is supposedly much better than the first two books. Can't wait to find out.

i don't think i would like to watch the screen version of the book. Firstly, i am a scare-dy cat and i just cannot bear to watch violent or scary movies (but i can read them!). We did try to watch Hannibal once and i remember hiding behind his broad back and peeping out once in a while to see what was going on. We never got to the end. Secondly, somehow all movie adaptations of books i like have turned me off. Give me the written words anyday. i would rather "see" the book in my own imagination, live out my interpretation of it.

i think i over-stuffed myself at M-da's pleace yesterday. The food was OK - luchi, gobi, chingri mach, dokha dalna, mangso, dal. We are going out for dinner tonight-a bangladeshi restuarant and i am pretty sure to be greedy and overindulge myself! Glutton!

last comic standing...

This is what i am watching right now. Stand up comedians competing for a huge amount of money. Some of them are really funny - i kinda like their sense of humour.

sample this:
"My boss asked me if i was gay. Gay? i don't even like licking stamps!"

i like Laughter Challenge too - the one where that bigmouth Sidhu keeps laughing his turbaned head off( i just can't stand him, just can't). But the big difference is that the comedians or wanne comedians back home make fun of others. The comics over here mostly make fun of themselves - most of the jokes are on themselves. The comics back home concentrate more on himesh and his nasal talent, on mallika's wardrobe or lack of it, on rakhi sawant..you get the drift.

And there are so many female comics- they didn't have even one in the last two seasons of Laughter Challenge. i did get to watch two this season - there was one who did a take off on manorama - the vamp of yesteryears - and some other actresses. But nothing too funny. Does it say something about our sense of humour? Maybe we are a repressed lot when it somes to humour. ummm...

i adore people with a wicked sense of humour - naughty, sarcastic, dry....That is my kind of humour.

Have been invited to M-da's place for dinner tomorrow. And i didn't have the heart to decline because he said it is just a few of us he has invited. And on friday, the whole team is going for dinner. ummm..so much for my desire to be a recluse...

the 100th time....

Last night dinner was fun - the kind i can bring myself to attend. We had fun backbiting and talking about everything under the sun. The food was good - after the frozen dinners i have been forcing on myself, home-cooked food was like heaven. Tangra mach, pabda mach, aloo dam...yum. And to top the cake, p-da's wife told me i still look so thin and good looking - couldn't figure out whether i was supposed to get fat and lose my looks! ummmm...

This is the 100th post....Is that an occasion to celebrate? hah, you betcha....Why do i blog? i think , like all other things i do in life, it is for myself. Maybe it is to keep my thoughts intact for posterity. Unabashedly, i love reading my posts! Talk about conceit. But then, i have always been conceited and snobbish! And i would not have myself any other way.

thought of the day:
Nothing dries sooner than tears - Latin Proverb

but why???

i am definitely going crazy. i don't know why i am picking up fights with him. Is it the distance between us? Is it guilt that i am not there by his side? i don't know...But i find myself empty of words when i call him up. i don't know what to say. And he - i don't blame him - loses his cool. What is wrong with me?

The day started off pretty well. Caught up with an old friend on the net. Finished a book. i drifted off to sleep in the evening and woke up and danced! i practised my salsa steps in front of the mirror and was pleasantly surprised to learn that i have not forgotten the moves. Then the marathon phone calls - my sister and i yapping about everything under the sun. Then my parents. And then his family. And when it came to him, i clammed up.

Why? Why? i have always been the talkative one in this relationship. He is the silent brooding type. And all of a sudden, i just don't feel like telling him anything. This is scary. And when he needs me the most, i seem to be receding into my shell. i am evil.

i don't know. i think it is guilt. That i am not there with him now. And to assuage my guilt, what do i do? Of course, i make it harder for him by refusing to talk. Where do you still get malicious being like me anymore? If i had any sense, i would try to make it easier for him by being my normal self. But no, i have to complicate everything. i have to make him lose his cool. i am sorry, honey. But sorry is such a convenient word, isn't it? i know the pain you are going through...and i wish to be your pillar of support...i just don't seem to know how to go about it...

i hope i will be a better person...but that seems like a long way off...

sleepy head

late in the morning - still in the middle of a dream. Something woke me up and i glanced at the clock - and literally jumped out of the bed. i'd overslept!!

It seems like i never seem to get enough of sleep...i can sleep and sleep. And then, sleep some more. i think it has to be the dreams - i mean, even if i nap for 30 minutes, i dream. It is like i live in two worlds. And my dreams seem so real - when i wake up, sometimes it is with much reluctance. Yesterday, i dreamed i was reading a book - and i can even remember some lines from the book - as i was waiting for him to come to me. Aren't dreams supposed to be a reflection of your mental and emotional state? i only wish i can go on dreaming - and remembering them after i wake up.

i turned down tomorrow's invitation. Was feeling a bit guilty as only a selected few were invited. But then, i think i have had enough of small talk. In two weeks, i have declined two dos. Words will spread around that i am acting hoity-toity and hopefully, no one will invite me anymore. Such bliss. i want to be unpopular - beats me why. Maybe when i get there, i might want to be popular. Sometimes, i think i go out of my way to be mean, esp to people who like me. It is like i try to test their patience, try to see just how mean i have to be to lose their affection. Weird. i am such a weird character. Will never be able to figure myself out.

S wrote to tell me his efficiency has gone down as i am not there anymore to fight with him. Maybe they should hike my salary just for increasing project productivity. What a thought.

S -god, all the people in my life seems to have names starting with S - has gone to LA with his parents. i have never been to LA - and have no interest in going there either. Maybe because everyone wants to go there. i am an extreme case of inverted snob.

One book a day - that is my motto now. i have finished about 12 books so far! Making up for all the time when i stayed away from books. i might die of a book overdose - maybe they will find me in bed, covered in books, with a delighted expression on my face!

aurora borealis

aurora borealis - one of my must-see sights before i kick the bucket.

flunked...

i flunked the driving test much to my amusement. i got 9 questions wrong out of 36! It was fun! i went around telling everyone i failed! :) i will give the test again next week.

Much to my dismay, i have been invited to a barbecue party on sat and a dinner party on sunday. i am thinking of turning down the barbecue invitation. But the sunday do is a must-go so there goes my sunday solitude.

Work has been exciting. Got some tricky bugs to fix. A little challenge is always good for the soul.

sunday solitude

Another day spent without seeing another human face - apart from those on TV - i am quite enjoying this solitude. Was thinking maybe i would spend the next weekend without turning on the TV, with just my books to see how total solitude feels like. Is this healthy? But once in a while, i think it is great just to be all alone, with my thoughts for company - talking to myself, smiling at myself in the mirror and actually liking what/who stares back at me!

i gorged on and completed another book - A mind to murder - not actually thought provoking stuff but what the heck! Solitude and crime. Does solitude breed criminal thoughts? Not that any of my thoughts, well, at least today's thoughts, bordered on the criminal. But i was wondering if i, say, spend a month like this, would i become insane? Or would i achieve nirvana? Maybe i would end up penning a "how to be all alone and not be lonely" kind of bestseller. i think i am already on my way to a loony bin!

i am planning to give the driving test exam tomorrow. Not too keen on driving here but it has been ages since i gave an exam and i want to see whether i would flunk. i have not even read the manual but some previous question sheets. The other night i dreamed i was going to give an exam and i had not even completed reading the book. i was scared shit! i mean, when i was a kid, i gave exams after two-three rounds of revision because getting the highest marks was the only thing in my head then. These days, the only thing on my mind is - blank. A nice peaceful kind of blank.

Maybe that is the beauty of solitude - it cleanses your mind. Of everything. And leaves it spanking clean for you to start all over again. What more fun than to corrupt a blank mind all over again.

sat night ....

Finally managed to drag myself up from bed at 2 in the afternoon. Ema will have a fit if she hears about it! Had pancakes and a croissant for lunch....got back to bed again to finish a book -cold and pure and very dead - yes, that is the name of the book. Had bhelpuri smothered with aloo...

Called up my sis and talked to her about 2 hours. After we finally managed to get off the phone, i was wondering what we talked about non-stop for so long. It is about everything and nothing-gossip of the family, who is doing what, who said what to whom, who is going where. Then the TV going-ons - what is happening in which serial, who got booted out in Indian Idol..Then bollywood news-did i know bipasha broke up with john, did she know lara has broken up with dorji! And himesh, how wooden he is, who are the people watching his movie....blah blah and more blah. Girls!!

S's parents are going back earlier than planned as his thakuma is sick. the poor guy was so depressed. i told him to tell kakima i will come over and cook briyani for them before they leave. Trying to show off my culinary skills! shesh...

i had half boiled eggs for dinner. i think i just might transform into a twig by the time i go back. god, if he comes to know, i will get an earful.

talking in my sleep...?

after 12 in the morning and i am still in bed...i think if i sleep some more i just might turn into sleeping beauty/bitch!

With the curtains drawn, i can never make out how it is outside - it feels like night 24 hours!

And for the want of anything better to do, here i am, with tousled hair, blogging about nothing. Am i sleep-talking?

i got up because i was expecting a mail from him. Was not disappointed. Now, maybe it is time to go to sleep again...

back in bloggerland

Finally got my laptop. Spent 3 days without it as they needed to re-encrypt the Id. With the company going public, they say it is only going to get stricter. i spent 3 days holed up in my cubicle reading red dragon..Sorta being on a paid vacation. But it was frustrating what with everyone around you slogging their you-know-what off.

Landed here on a cloudy evening. The place has not changed..maybe it is just that i have not changed. S came to pick me up at the airport. Was welcomed with kochu diye ilish mach, moong dal, begun bhaja...Now that is quite a welcome.

i am staying in a studio suite and i don't feel like cooking. So i got myself all the frozen food i could lay my hands on - frozen roti, aloo paratha, onion paratha, pancakes, fried rice, chicken nuggets, chicken tikka, chole....And now i am wondering whether i can finish everything i bought. So like me to waste. And i went to the library to get my quota of books. Don't know whether it reflects my state of mind but half of the books have to do with murder! Murder on my mind.

i don't know whether i would go out of my mind staying alone - i declined an invitation because i don't particularly feel like socialising, esp with people i barely know or want to know. i hate those empty talks and fake smiles. But i am looking forward to dinner at p-da's place next weekeend.

i am back to watching re-runs of sex and the city and my fave crime serials. i would like to do a course on criminal psychology. But i am scared of field work cause i cannot stand the sight of blood. i go wobbly when i see blood. And to think this is the same person who dived out of a plane some thousand feet up! To the contradiction that is i...amen

groggy in singapore...

Still groggy from sleep. Landed here at around 4 in the morning-the time of the night when i am still in dreamland. Managed to find the lounge all by myself-which i manage to miss every single time and i have to ask for directions some nth time to find it. Curled up and slept blissfully. Have 6+ hours to kill before i catch the connecting flight....Traveling alone sure is fun.

Planning to go shopping for jeans - i get nice fit here...And maybe find another cosy corner and finish my book....Hoping to have a pleasant flight and praying that the seat next to me is empty. If there is one thing i can't stand, it is people trying to strike up a conversation...

Got a haircut yesterday--a new style and, if i may say so myself, i am looking good and feeling good. Now, that is not a crime, is it???

drowning...

When it rains, it pours. We have decided to change our plans and stay here with his family. After so much planning, it is hard. But there is no two ways about it. They need us and i guess this is the least we can do. So,machu pichhu and sahara and egypt would have to wait a little bit longer for me.

It has been a tough time and i know it is going to get tougher. Well, yes, i am scared. i hate seeing the pain in his eyes. i hate the pain she is going through. i wish i could help. But, sometimes, you are impotent – all you can do is stand and stare.

And i am leaving tomorrow for two months. There are some loose ends i need to tie up there. A part of me does not want to go. But go, i must.

The city is drowning. And there is forecast for more rain. i am worried about whether my flight would be able to take off. i don't want to be stranded in the airport in the middle of the night...Sheesh..nothing seems to be working out for me...

On the work front, i am going to be promoted. More work, more responsiblity...Am i excited? Don't know. This news has been kinda neutralised by all the woes i am facing now.

Life. You make plans galore. And, when you least expect it, it trips you. And you land on your face. But then, this is life, isn’t it?