Envy....

For someone so smart, you would think i would not envy anyone. But these days, i seem to envy everyone...i hear about this woman from our locality who left her abusive husband and i envy her guts..i see someone wearing something that does not suit her and i envy her confidence...i see people volunteering in disaster zones and i envy their courage..i see people starting their own business from scratch and i envy their pluck...i watch ants scurrying and i envy their thoughtless existence....i look at birds flying and i envy their freedom....

There is something beginning to go wrong with me. It is this seed of discontent that has sprouted. Maybe it is the realisation that life is too short, too unpredictable. And i seem caught in this web of ennui from which i cannot escape. And so i sink deeper, letting envy bite its fangs into flesh already weakened by the ravages of the demons and the dark thoughts that i unwillingly give shelter to in some corner of my mind. i envy everyone....their unthinking, unquestioning enjoyment of life..the way they find happiness in solitaire and Prada bags and designer clothes and shoes...

And i am a snob who would not deign to find pleasures in material things, who would shift through thoughtless thoughts and try to find meanings in things that have no meanings, who will dissect emotions till all that is left behind is tatters of relations gone sour because you poked too deep, who thinks herself a queen when all she is is just a nameless slut who peddles her mind to people who can pay her in pounds while she blogs and eats jalebis, in that order...

Do you think too - about life? Do you wonder too what this is all about - these faceless days and nights and us sliding from one to the next? Do you fret whether this slogging for money and name and fame or whatever it is that we slog for is worth it in the end? Do you realise too the futility of our existence? Do you lay awake too, alone with the moon for company, begging for the answers to life's questions? Do you read your old diaries and think of the past like it happened to someone else?

Or do you just live? Without questions? Without seeking answers? see, i envy you....