Ha ha ha ha

No, no. I am not gay. I just chanced upon this site and it is so funny that I could stop myself from logging in and sharing it. The site is damnyouautocorrect.com . I was in the loo going crazy laughing. I have not had such a good laugh over any joke. Go there and come back and thank me for making you laugh. I am signing off to go laugh some more.

30

This is it - 30 daily posts. That should take care of my annual quota of posts. It as been fun trying to maintain it. But now that I have proved that it is actually possible to have a busy life and still have time to bore the world with the non-events in your life, i think I will go into hibernation. No point in losing the few people who read me (and while I am at it, thank you whoever you are who drop in to read my ramblings) by forcing myself to come up with trite posts just for the sake of posting.

So unless something momentous happen in my life tomorrow - like finding out I am gay or something equally exciting like that- I will not be back till I really, really feel like posting.

Oh wait, did I tell you I weighed myself and I am now 44. Umm, what about celebrating that and continue till I complete 44 posts? Oh shut up, we don't want you anymore. Go away. OK. I get the message loud and clear. You can navigate away from this blog now. I need to sulk.

29

When you really think about it, the human psyche is quite amusing. A few days back, I was so upset over the way my friend was (mis)conducting himself. If I had been there, I am sure I would have given him an earful and we might even have parted ways as friends. I still don't understand and condone what he has done and what he still seems to be doing but the raw sense of betrayal has subsided a bit. Desensitized. A bit.

But I think of his wife and son and I wonder whether he is still cheating behind her back. And then I think it is unfair, so grossly unfair that you should betray the trust of someone who has been with you through thick and thin. If he is really serious about this slut, then he should do the fair thing and tell his wife and let go. If he is into it just for the physical aspect then he should deserve a STD at the least.

You do not want to think that someone you consider so close would sink so low. That he couldbe so blind as to be misused. That he could be so unprofessional. That he could turn out to be one of those bastards who just cannot resist temptation. But I remember the face of that slut and I think what temptation? No man would be tempted even if she was dancing naked. Or maybe he is just into fat ugly loose women.

28

In the drama of the stupid affair of my equally stupid friend, I had almost forgotten about the drama in my own life. Whether I would be without a job come august. With my trademark stupid way of sleepwalking through life with no plan in mind, I had almost landed from the frying pan into the fire. Almost. Therein lies the tragedy of my life- that somehow I am always saved and I cleverly forget to learn a much needed lesson.

My lead told me my manager is going to talk to someone very, very high up to see if they will open a position just for me. Wow! How cool is that? I know the answer could be no given the tight budget they are living with. But I am happy that they are willing to go that extra mile to keep me. They could have just told me to go crawling back to my ex-company. But no, they chose to fight for me. That makes me happy. Very.

Contrast this to the people who kept telling me how much of a valuable resource I am, blah blah blah but when push came to shove, nobody even bothered to raise a squeak when I felt provoked enough to leave.

I have always thought my client cold. I mean, they don't go hiya hiying and smiling and hugging you. You never really seem to know if they are happy with you. But I have found that when you really need their help, if you deserve it, they will go out of their way. I found that when they allowed me to work remotely from home, paying me onsite rate at that. And now, this. And then you realize that what matters is that you are appreciated when it counts. No lip service. Just actions.

27

How, just how, would you react if, out of the blue you discover that a close friend is cheating on his wife and generally making a fool of himself? Do you get angry, sad, helpless and betrayed? Do you feel tears clawing at your eyes?

I have very, very few friends. And because I chose to have few friends, I treasure them. He is one of them. And to find out that he has been misusing his power, betraying his family.

I was so sad, so very sad. And angry. And baffled. All through the day, in a corner of my mind, the thought kept replaying- how could he do this, how could he do this?

I asked someone who had access to my ex-company site to show me the picture of this slut he was carrying on with was. I had to see her face, to try to make it real. And you know, she is not even remotely attractive - I would not even look at her twice if she stepped on my toes in a bus. I would have thought maybe it was midlife crisis if the girl had been a young, pretty one. I would not have condoned it but I would have thought maybe it was hormones. Just to have an excuse to at least try to understand him.

And the worse thing is his wife suspects/ knows. He has a son too - my bloody bastard of a friend. What makes people do things like this? Is a screw so much more priority in your life than your wife and son? I kept thinking of how humiliating it must have been for his wife to make calls late at night to track him.

I don't know what to do. I would not be ableto livewith myself if I did not tell him what I think about thisfoolishness. I know is his life and he can screw all the sluts he wants but I would not condone it. I would tell him just what I think of him.

But then think what if has mended hisways? He is leaving the company and hopefully leaving her behind too.

And that slut. I only wish I was back there. I would have given her something to remember meb by. That fat cow.

And my equally stupid asshole of a friend who cannot even seem to see he is being used.maybe they deserve each other. Maybe they should both suffer from some STD. I am incoherent in my sadness.

26

I have nor read a book for a long time now it seems. I was thinking of joining the public library - they let you borrow 20 books at a time. 20! That brings back memories of the library when I was in school. You were allow to borrow just one book and return it the next week. It was unthinkable of me to buy books then - they were above my league. Baba used to buy me comics - indrajal, amar chitra katha, chandamana...but the novels I love like Hardy boys, Nancy drew, Enid blyton..I could only think of reading them from the library. I bought two Nancy drew novels in my school life and that was like a very momentous occasion for me.

There were many girls in my class who did not love reading. So, I being I, always finding ways to twist the law - I used to request them to borrow books. I would decide the title, pass it on to them and they would go up to the librarian and borrow the said book and hand it over to me. That way, after each library period, instead of my prescribed quota of one book, I would have 5 or more! How thar I think of it, we must have been very trusting creatures..at least the classmates who borrowed on my behalf. What if I had torn the book or lost it? The blame would have gone officially to them.

Now, I suppose I could afford to buy the whole series of hardy, Nancy and whoever or whatever I choose to read. But I think it would not give me half the pleasure I got when I had those borrowed books handed over to me. Money, fortunately, cannot buy everything.

25

A bit of sunshine. Had a day out. It was good fun for elf.

Maybe by next week, the uncertainty would resove. For good or bad. either way, it would not be the end of the world. I am beginning to think the trick of living is to just go with the flow and wherever it takes you. But easier said than done I know. But I will try. Am I getting wiser or just tricking myself into believing so? Who cares?

24

A junior at work who claims to be able to read faces said the first impression of me is that I am arrogant. How true! I am arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I mean, I have been told so many times by people that their first impression of me is arrogance. Is the way I talk? The way I hold my head? Or maybe that I look through people?

When I was in high school, I was told by somebody who later became a close friend (but now out of touch) that I turned out so different when he really got to know me. His first impression was that I was arrogant. Cut to college life and lo, the same observation made by friends there as well.

There must be something in me that makes people think I am so full of myself - which I am. But I would have never thought it was so apparent.

My colleague, bless her kind soul, reassured me today again that everyone in the project thinks very highly of me. To deserve that, I fastened my work pace and completed more than half of the analysis all by myself! Hee, how flattery works! But I needed that. After a long stint off from work, I had thought I have half lost it. But intelligence, it seems, does not desert you easily. Hah, and neither does arrogance and immodesty!!

23

With age, I have found that I do like being appreciated. I had a talk with my lead- something I was not really looking forward to. He has a sense of sarcasm about him. I was expecting to half mock me. And lo, I was blown away because he seemed genuinely anxious to see that I stay on. He said he would not like me to leave and that he would talk to my manager and see what options they can think of. Wow! I mean, even if unfortunately nothing works out, I would be happy with the knowledge that the people here really think of highly of me. My lead also echoed my colleague's opinion that my manager would not like to lose me.

And to think the company I slogged for eight years took me for granted. Maybe the longer you stay, you get treated like the furniture around. People don't expect you to move.

I hope things work out. And I am so damn pleased to know that I am considered well almost indispensable. Almost.

22

My future is still uncertain. I have no idea what is going to happen. Which is not really fun. Not that I am sweating but i feel I should really stop this habit of doing things with the blind belief that everything will turn my way. I don't know whether closing this door would mean that other doors would open. I am hoping so.

When I think of it, my entire life has come this far without me planning anything. Which explains a lot of the mess I find myself in.

21

Still don't know where things will head. So many options but I am wary whether any of them will work out. I am becoming pessimistic with age. But I have had my hopes up - my hopes are helium filled- only to get dashed. So I am wary now.

Maybe by next week I will know where life is headed. It felt nice to have a colleague I confided to telling me that my manager would not want to part with me because he is so impressed with me. That felt good. Much better than being taken for granted. I got a call again and I was told that what I was being offered was the best package they were handing out to anyone here from the company and that irked me. Not everything has to do with money. I would have stayed if they had increased it by just a token amount to try to please me. But I felt like I was being taken for granted. For eight fucking years, I never complained even once about my salary or promotion or lack of it. Maybe it is about time I stopped underselling myself.

But I hope I still have something to do by the time the drama gets over. I mean how tragic would it be if I end up jobless because I am stupid enough to leave one before having another one in the kitty?

20

Either the scale is way off or I am fading away into nothingness. I weigh 43.6 kg. 43.6. Just 43.6. Not even 44. Is it because I am not having a proper lunch? But I have all the junk food to make up for that. I should be putting on weight, not losing it. Maybe I am dying. Yes, so melodramatic of me, I know.

I have decided to stick to my decision to terminate my contract. Even though the CTC is high, since I have been told I would not be getting any of the tax benefits the others do, my take home is not something I want to live with. Plus the fact that they kept harping on how my CTC was higher than anyone onsite - it made me feel like they thought I was too greedy. And that, I did not like. Another crossroad. I don't know how thigs will end up - I am counting on the reputation I hope I have built up to get me a contract with the client without any middleman- that way I would earn almost twice what I earn now. But maybe they would not want me. oh well, that would not be the end of the world. But it would not feel nice, would it?

I will wait and see where life takes me.

19

Waiting for Monday blues to strike. I gon't mind office but I hate the waking up early routine that weekdays force upon me.

18

Actually have nothing to write but logged in just because I did not want to break the continuity. What continuity?

Weekends always end before they start. Thought of baking but left it for tomorrow.

17

I should stop this blog-every-day drama I have started. But I think just one more day to see how many more days I can take this.

Looking forward to two days of not waking up early and rushing to get self ready for office. I must be a superwoman. Hell, no, I am not. But I still cook after I come back from office. Does that make me half- superwoman? It helps that I just work 7 hours a day- ok, less than 7 hours. I spend just 7 hours in the office. If you take away the tea time gossip, I actually work for 6.30 hours! But since I am superfast, nobody is complaining. Bliss.

I never thought I would say this but I am actually beginning to enjoy working in this project. I have minimum pressure and the tasks I do hardly tax my brain. I would be a fool to leave this job. That is what I think sometimes. I know I would leave given the opportunity to be nearer home, for my mother's sake so she could come and be with us - but I think I will miss this project. Something I never thought I would feel. I did not feel an iota of anything when I left the job before this because I never felt at home with the people there.

16

SC mailed asking me and SM to call up. That got me worried. I thought something momentous must have happened for him to reach out to us because he has been out of touch despite our (ok, very pathetically infrequent) attempts to stay in touch with hi
. I thought maybe he was getting a divorce or something equally bad. Then I thought maybe there has been a new addition to his family. Yes, I have a fertile imagination, made even more fertile by my rotten thoughts.

Anyway, I called him up. Then he dropped the bombshell - he has resigned. I know, I know. In an age when people change their jobs like they change their undies, this news hardly rate as sensational. But I was among the many in my ex-company to have crossed for than 5 years slaving for the same master. SC too was one. Before I left, I had beeninstigating him to leave too because he was not being given his due recognition.

He is one of the best managers I have seen. But he was being denied what he deserved because they felt he was too young. Bullshit. And the last straw was to make him report to somebody who should have been in a lesser position than him but got up the ladder because of his seniority.


I was so happy to hear the news that he has got an offer from a big company. I hope he thrives there and get what he deserves. I am so happy for my salvo.

15

Nothing much to write about. Work is so-so. Life is also so-so. Everything is so-so.

This every day blogging should stop. I am running out if thoughts. And i might even save the people who drop by from dying of boredom after reading my posts. Amen.

14

Tenacious. Yup, that is how someone described me today. I said it sounded like I was a bulldog. Ha ha ha. I think the other groups hate seeing my mails now- I am never happy with their explanations, always end up cross questioning them and being right most of the time. I deserve a bone.

13th

Sometimes I just get tired of the way people take you for granted and when you show them that they cannot do that, I hate it even more when they try to pacify you. I gave in my termination of contract - I don't even have another contract in my kitty - but I was getting tired of running after them for something they should have not made me run after. I gave them some days but my patience finally gave away. Now, they are after me, calling me up, sending mails. I am going to ignore them and let them sweat. It is about time somebody showed them that their unprofessional attitude would not be tolerated.

My inflated ego thinks the client will not want to part with me. I am not indispensable but I am not going to be easy to replace either. I did the work of two and they all know it. Oh hell, after a month, I might find myself working the tills- good for me, I say.

Maybe, sometimes, you just need to put your foot down.

12th night

Baked a delicious lemon butter pound cake. He said it had too much butter but it was delicious. Ummm. Actually i did not use lemon but lime. What is the difference anyway? I bought a bag of lime - but be about a dozen lime - from the farmers' market. Now I have to find way to use them before they rot because he will start on how wasteful I am - which to my shame is true.

So I will bake more lime cakes and feed everyone. How is that for wastefullness?

Ema said she attended the kanji chali and joydev chobgba because my niece who was staying over for the weekend wanted to go. I am glad she has not stop living.

11

Had a lunch invite. I don't why it is that people are never on time. We waited and waited for the other families to turn up but since we had a dental appointment(thank god), we ate without waiting for the others. I guess they will never imbibe the good things like punctuality that the Western world exhibits but would rather pick up other stupid things. Oh well, let them do what they want. I am only glad I had to endure two hours of company.

While on the topic of ex-pats like us, why is that people think drinking is a culture they have to imbibe just because they are on foreign soil? OK, yes, you get good wines at reasonable price. But to say something like you should learn to drink because you are here- heck, that sounds so stupid. No, no one said that to me - pity, I would have bitten their head off - it was an advice given to a colleague's wife by another one. They think drinking wine and wearing revealing clothes make them mod. Pathetic creatures. But they would still throw wrappers on the street and poke their dirty noses into affairs that don't concern them. Why can't they pick up the good stuff like respect for others' privacy, decency and punctuality. Oh to hell to them too.

Day 10

Sometimes, it is difficult. I mean life. You don't know whether you are alive even. You start taking people for granted and people start taking you for granted. You just drag on from one day to the next. You try to dig joy out of the mundane existence but you get frustrated with the effort you give and the little you get in return.

There has to be something in life other than wake up, rush to office, do pointless stuff to earn some money, come back, cook, eat and sleep just to get yourself ready for another day. I don't even feel like opening my mouth to say anything to him even.

I know I complicate my life. But I cannot help it. I wish for a little escapade sometimes. I just want to live.

Day 9

It was raining when I woke up. It is such a drag when you think about how you have to walk in the gloomy weather to work even if it is just 10 minutes. I am someone who hates carrying the umbrella or using it. Unless it is raining heavily, I usually walk in the rain without one.

In the afternoon, the sun was shining bright. The weather is just as fickle minded as I am over here- one moment, it is raining, the next moment bright sunshine, the next windy enough to blow me off my feet. And the weather forecast is as accurate as a monkey shooting a bow.

I need a haircut. I need a makeover. I need a life.

Day 8

I know, I know. The resolution was for just 7 days but what the heck, I am here again. Let's see how long I can do this.

Heard some pretty risqué office romance stories from my ex- company. It sounded like b grade Hindi movie plots. Married man besotted with younger colleague - the pregnant wife threatening to commit suicide. A 'lady' emerging from the gents' toilet - this one was classic. I mean, in the office???? I mean, how frustrated can you get that you cannot even wait for office to end to go somewhere private. And in the loo, ewww...double, triple- timing ladies...I could hardly believe my ears. Well.

Talking of affairs, why would a woman (or a man) threaten to take their life because the spouse strays. I mean, why would your life be worth giving up for someone so low. I can never condone affairs - if you fall in love with somebody else, at least give your spouse the satisfaction of dumping.

I love office when I have work. When I can troubleshoot using my razor sharp brain - ha ha ha, that is a joke if ever there was one. There is a new tool being tested and though I am not even a part of the team, I am helping out an ex- junior who comes to me for help. I being a sucker for anything that I am not supposed to be doing , I am helping out on the sly.

Day 7

OK, I did it! Blogged everyday for a week. It was not that tough as I had imagined so maybe I should try to at least blog every alternate day. Before I run out of things to blog.

I read an article yesterday about people who love to be alone. I belong to that club. There is so much of company I can stand before I start getting bored. I hate when I am invited by people I hardly know or want to know. Yes, there are a few people whose company I love and I don't mind spending time with them. But I find the majority of people boring - well, I am very sure the feeling is mutual. I hate small talk, I don't like talking about clothes, shoes or anything that most females want to talk about. He thinks I am unsocial - which I am - because I always turn down invitations from people. I mean, just because we were born in the same place and now happen to stay outside does not mean I have to like the company of other Manipuris, right? I know they must think be snobbish but it is not like I care a fig about what they think of me.

I don't remember the last time I was alone - really alone. Apart from the time I sometimes sneak off to the loo to have some alone time - pathetic. In the office I am surrounded by people. At home, the loo is the only place where I can be alone. Such is my life now.

I miss the days at Homestead in CA where I spent the weekend stuck to the bed, some days without seeing another soul and I was so happy. I miss that.

Day 6

5 months. And it still hurts. But I think of all his sufferings and know that it would have been agony for him to continue any longer. But, yes, it still hurts.

Good day at work. On a Monday, imagine! Opened two defects. Learned to use the new tool and was so excited about it. Specially since I am not supposed to learn how to use it. Hah, suckers. Now, I am going to show my new skill to my project mates. I am planning to change the way the project works. I hate to be dependent on anyone so god help those who try to prevent me for using tools that only a few are supposed to use. No stopping this stubborn pig.

I am actually beginning to like the project now that I am able to get my way to getting access rights. Oui, very soon I will be miss indispensable. Yes, yes, I am conceited. C'mon, allow me one little vice.

SN mailed me, after ages. The sweetheart. Just yesterday, as I was eating dinner, I was thinking of her. I remember visiting her home at churchura and how welcome kaki, kakima and bhai made me feel. I remember her taking me to a mosque and we went up a tower - I don't remember the name - and we gazed at the beautiful countryside. She also took me to a beautiful church. I didn't have a digital camera then and I don't know whether we took any pictures but the memories, though fading since I think my neurons are self restricting these days - are still there and cherished. The past is a nice place to visit at times.

Day 5

Sunday. Cooked khichuri and ooti, it being kang -rath yatra festival.

I ate too much - I am a glutton. And stupid me, I forgot to bring hajmola back from india. I don't see it being sold at te Indian stores. There is something so comforting about popping a couple of hajmola after pigging out.

I need to become a member of the library - but I am careless with books. I do not think I can deal with the tension of being careful while readin. Maybe I should just stick to second hand ones.

Need to get a haircut too. And dye my hair as well. Thinking of plum this time around.

Any more trivial thing I can think up of? None. I am now going to search for a recipe with chicken and lentil. Because I soaked too much lentil for khichuri and I had to take out some. Chicken and lentil? It sounds like a bad combination, ni? But I have not cooked anything horrible for a while so might as well try out this combo.

I need hajmola.

4th day

It being a weekend, I have been lazying around. Weekends are the only days I can get up late now that I have joined work. I hate getting up early - OK, I am the last person to wake up in the household but still - it is like some sort of punishment for me. I would have been called names back in Imphal since married women are supposed to be the first one to get up - you know, get breakfast for everyone, take a bath blah blah.

When Baba was alive, he always tried to get me to wake up early. I used to resort to so many tricks - hide under the blanket and pretend I have already gotten up , even taking the trouble to hide my slippers under the bed so he would not check the bed; pretending to get up and go back to sleep after he was gone. Ema somehow always took my side. I told her I get extra grumpy if I wake up early. Sleep is a luxury I love.

His family gets up along with the rooster - I don't know whether they go go cock-a-doodle too. Ema was so petrified about how I would adjust . I adjusted by getting up late! I know, I should have stayed single.

He, to be fair to him, has always let me have my way more or less. So I get to sleep in late on weekends. Weekdays - no way since I still need to earn a living.

3rd day...

...and surprise, I still have not broken my resolution. What should I bore you with today?
I was working and trying to save a document on the server when the server space ran out!! I mean , wtf? Me being me, this was quite an event, and I went around telling everybody who cared to listen about it.

I cut my finger while slicing vegetables. I was brave and did not faint but wisely went around searching for a band aid which, after much searching, I found on top of the very tall wardrobe. Blame the guy I share my life with right now. Who in their right mind would put the first aid bag so high up that I have to climb up on something to get to it. Isn't it supposed to be kept somewhere easily accessible? No wonder I want to be single again.

2nd day running

Busy day at office. Time flew by.

My father left some money - he wanted us to do something in my brother's memory. And I keep thinking of how to best do it. I don't like the idea of giving gold plated medals to supposedly meritorious students - I have those and I don't even appreciate them - but then I don't appreciate much in life. I wish I could start a home in my father's and rother's name but I would need more money and dedication than I can afford now . Which makes me sad - apart from traveling, one of my other dreams was to do something in the line of helping people less fortunate. But look at me - I am almost half past my shelf date and apart from material things, I have not achieved much in life. I am not talking career wise - he'll, I would be just as happy wiping tables in a dhaba. As I become older, I seem to get pessimistic or maybe I am more realistic now. Because I chose love over my dreams, I am tied down. Sometimes I wonder whether it has been worth it. I know love is supposed to mean everything but so many things that are supposed to be the way they are, are just not the way they should be. What does that mean?

I keep thinking of the path I have not taken and I keep thinking maybe all my dreams are there waiting for me on that path. Maybe they have given up by now. Maybe I have given up.