My life is in limbo or whatever they call the state when you feel nothing. i am numb like someone applied an ice-pack on my brain or something. i seem to be sleepwalking through life. Everything is in a haze.
What is this feeling that overtakes me every now and then? A feeling i cannot seem to describe – of being lost in a known place, of not knowing the answers to what seems the simplest of questions on existence. i am here, in flesh and blood but i do not feel alive.
What does it take to live and not just exist? What does it take to rejuvenate old wings to take to the sky again? What does it take to wipe the dust off the dreams? What does it take not to ask too many questions?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
:}
i am about to die of gluttony. Went out for lunch with SM, SC, T-da and P-da. SM is in town and this was a return-treat, a treat to wipe the slate clean of all the treats he has been giving us.
i should not have over-eaten. But i guess i am a pig – on top of being a bitch. All i need is now a pen where i can roll around in mud and squeak to my heart’s delight.
i feel like depression is in the air – i can feel it now like some people can sense approaching rain! i am in no mood to do anything. All i want to do is lie down in some corner, curl up and maybe fade away with the sunset.
Is it a scientific fact that the moon can influence on our moods? Ema says with the waxing and waning of the moon, i go mad. Maybe i was a rock on the moon in my previous birth.
i wish i were a vulture right now so i could snoop down and tear people to pieces. i think i am a psychopath with manic depression.
i should not have over-eaten. But i guess i am a pig – on top of being a bitch. All i need is now a pen where i can roll around in mud and squeak to my heart’s delight.
i feel like depression is in the air – i can feel it now like some people can sense approaching rain! i am in no mood to do anything. All i want to do is lie down in some corner, curl up and maybe fade away with the sunset.
Is it a scientific fact that the moon can influence on our moods? Ema says with the waxing and waning of the moon, i go mad. Maybe i was a rock on the moon in my previous birth.
i wish i were a vulture right now so i could snoop down and tear people to pieces. i think i am a psychopath with manic depression.
Friday, October 24, 2008
week-ending update
Yipeeeeeeeeeeeee! i won 200 Rs. worth of gift coupon in the tambola for Diwali held in the office today! Now i am eagerly awaiting the next event in November which is Word Power – which should be fun and easy; i would die of wounded pride if i don’t win it –so i can win more coupons and buy myself that recipe book.
It is so fun winning coupons!! One junior told me it is really commendable that i get a prize in almost all the events!
In the elevator yesterday, i noticed that SC, P-da and i wear the same pair of shoes everyday! We agreed that we are very poor people who cannot afford to have more than one pair of shoes – that too scuffed ones! Given my feet size and that i only wear flat shoes – not even the trace of a heel- i can hardly find any shoes i like. Plus it cannot be glittery in any way - it has to be plain and flat! Given my petite size, you would think i would wear heels/platforms but i shun them. Because at the end of the day, when i step down from those things, well, my height would be the same and i don’t want to have back problems later on. i cannot decide whether it is my vanity that makes me think i don’t need any adornment/embellishment. i feel that i look good just the way i am – no make-up, no jewellery. Just me in the skin i was born in. Hell, even my eyebrows are not threaded because i cannot figure out the logic/beauty of having perfectly arched eyebrows! Did i just hear somehow gasping in shock at this revelation?!
i think i am simply not bothered with how i look -well, most of the times. Sometimes i do behave a bit more human and care about how i look! Like when i go for the events – because my photo would be published on the intranet when i win!! Hee hee…
It is so fun winning coupons!! One junior told me it is really commendable that i get a prize in almost all the events!
In the elevator yesterday, i noticed that SC, P-da and i wear the same pair of shoes everyday! We agreed that we are very poor people who cannot afford to have more than one pair of shoes – that too scuffed ones! Given my feet size and that i only wear flat shoes – not even the trace of a heel- i can hardly find any shoes i like. Plus it cannot be glittery in any way - it has to be plain and flat! Given my petite size, you would think i would wear heels/platforms but i shun them. Because at the end of the day, when i step down from those things, well, my height would be the same and i don’t want to have back problems later on. i cannot decide whether it is my vanity that makes me think i don’t need any adornment/embellishment. i feel that i look good just the way i am – no make-up, no jewellery. Just me in the skin i was born in. Hell, even my eyebrows are not threaded because i cannot figure out the logic/beauty of having perfectly arched eyebrows! Did i just hear somehow gasping in shock at this revelation?!
i think i am simply not bothered with how i look -well, most of the times. Sometimes i do behave a bit more human and care about how i look! Like when i go for the events – because my photo would be published on the intranet when i win!! Hee hee…
the devil in me
i don’t know how people manage to be so kind and generous all the time or at least make a pretence of it. He is that type – always trying to be nice to everyone. What did we ever see in each other, i wonder? Was it the we-complement each other factor given that we are as different as different can be. Or did we expect to mould the other to our ideas and ideals?
i think i do not have an ounce of niceness in me. The only time i am nice is when i want to be – does that count as niceness? i would never go out of my way to be nice to anyone. In fact, i suspect i go out of my way not to be nice. For me, i come first. Which is what vexes him and pretty much everyone associated with me. My philosophy is simple “ If i am not happy, i can never be able to make anyone else happy.”. Maybe twisted logic but then, i am twisted.
Do i plan to change? No, because i do not see anything wrong in it. My nature is such that if i am unhappy, i just cannot think of anyone else.
Maybe as i ripen (as if i am a papaya!), i might see the other side of the coin and become more human. Or maybe i will become worse with time and age. Pretty much like a spoilt papaya.
Like i say “Bhalo howar jono onek log royeche. Ami baje hote chai” (There are so many people who are good. i want to be bad.). i want to be evil.
i think i do not have an ounce of niceness in me. The only time i am nice is when i want to be – does that count as niceness? i would never go out of my way to be nice to anyone. In fact, i suspect i go out of my way not to be nice. For me, i come first. Which is what vexes him and pretty much everyone associated with me. My philosophy is simple “ If i am not happy, i can never be able to make anyone else happy.”. Maybe twisted logic but then, i am twisted.
Do i plan to change? No, because i do not see anything wrong in it. My nature is such that if i am unhappy, i just cannot think of anyone else.
Maybe as i ripen (as if i am a papaya!), i might see the other side of the coin and become more human. Or maybe i will become worse with time and age. Pretty much like a spoilt papaya.
Like i say “Bhalo howar jono onek log royeche. Ami baje hote chai” (There are so many people who are good. i want to be bad.). i want to be evil.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
----
i don’t want to love you
And yet, i cannot let go
This web we have spun
With threads of love and lust
Threatens to smother us
With love, we stepped into each other’s lives
With vows and promises never to be kept
As the mist lifts
And our sights clear
We face each other
With undisguised animosity
Trying to suppress the love that lies beneath
We wound with words
We wound with silence
We pretend to sleep
As we both toss and turn
In our own private hell
.....
This is the unfinished door to my bedroom in my flat, or as SC insists, my sister’s flat now that i don’t stay there anymore. This is the proof to what my sister assessment that i can never finish a job! Which is true. i get all enthusiastic about a project, will give it my all till i get bored. i had completed 4 door paintings and this was the last one i took up. Halfway through, i just lost the zeal. So now it stands as a living proof to the Jill-of-all-trades-mistress-of-none person that i am.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
on wants/needs
Attended my first “Management Team” meeting yesterday. And realized how much more shit i have to deal with. Having to sit through 1 ½ hr long presentation, trying to make sense of it all – the business forecast, the ramp-up, the projects in pipeline. What did i get myself into? i am happier coding, (mis)guiding kids, playing the bully than listening to all theory-no practice preaching.
Which makes me think i am not ambitious at all. i am too laid back. Or maybe my priorities are different. If i ask myself what really i want in life, i know it is not climbing up the corporate ladder. i love my work but i am not too concerned about where i am in the pecking order. i guess i must be the only one in the whole company who has never asked for a salary raise or a promotion!
The big question – what do i want in life? i know for sure what i don’t want but i am finding it difficult to specify what i really want. i want to be happy – but happiness is such a tricky state of mind. i can be happy with just a book. Am i happy now? Yes. Will i be happy tomorrow? Depends. Materialistically speaking, if i ask myself what i want, i cannot think of anything. i cannot understand why i am so uninterested in clothes, jewellery or anything of that sort. i am no sanyasi - i just cannot understand this streak in me. i just am not interested.
But i want to travel and travel, i want to sky-dive again. i want to learn new recipes. i want to start making my candles again. i want to learn pottery and glass-painting. i want to learn kung-fu. And most of all, i want to sleep.
Which makes me think i am not ambitious at all. i am too laid back. Or maybe my priorities are different. If i ask myself what really i want in life, i know it is not climbing up the corporate ladder. i love my work but i am not too concerned about where i am in the pecking order. i guess i must be the only one in the whole company who has never asked for a salary raise or a promotion!
The big question – what do i want in life? i know for sure what i don’t want but i am finding it difficult to specify what i really want. i want to be happy – but happiness is such a tricky state of mind. i can be happy with just a book. Am i happy now? Yes. Will i be happy tomorrow? Depends. Materialistically speaking, if i ask myself what i want, i cannot think of anything. i cannot understand why i am so uninterested in clothes, jewellery or anything of that sort. i am no sanyasi - i just cannot understand this streak in me. i just am not interested.
But i want to travel and travel, i want to sky-dive again. i want to learn new recipes. i want to start making my candles again. i want to learn pottery and glass-painting. i want to learn kung-fu. And most of all, i want to sleep.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Of pampered love
Yahoo! He just called me up to say his father has got his US Visa approved. He went for the interview today. We have been coaching him the whole weekend. At first, he was over-confident that he would just go, present himself and they would happily hand over the Visa.
On my visits to the Consulate for stamping, i have witnessed parents being grilled. So we told him not to take it too lightly – we downloaded sample questions, took printout and made him read those. In the end, we managed to make him tense – to the extent that he even dreamed about the Visa interview!
i am so relieved now.
On a sillier note, he asked me to get up early today as they would leave around 8. Getting me to rise early is like asking a dog to fly – it is unnatural! In Imphal, people get up as early as 4 – OK, the sun rises earlier there but still, people are not sunflowers that they have to rise with the sun! His father gets up as early as 5 – which is like midnight for me. Because he is here, i wake up around 8 because i have to cook before going to office – when you actually think about it, i am sort of attaining the super-woman status - i cook, go to office, code, nag, bully and make sure the deliverables are delivered, go home and cook again! The day i get tired of it, i will complain. But till now, i am able to cope without feeling exerted.
God, how i digress. Anyway, i got sore with him because he said he would set the alarm for 6:50. i told him i would get up by 7:30 and get the breakfast ready and see them off by 8. He thought i was being uncaring and said i don’t have to get up and do anything. Bliss! I said fine and went off to sleep. He got up around 6:30 and i got up at 7:15 – prepared breakfast and they were done by 8. i had a good mind to pour the tea down his boxer! i think i am over-pampering him. The maximum of Indian men are pampered. And we women-folk are guilty of that. i do it out of love. Which is one of the stupidest excuses i have heard/made.
On my visits to the Consulate for stamping, i have witnessed parents being grilled. So we told him not to take it too lightly – we downloaded sample questions, took printout and made him read those. In the end, we managed to make him tense – to the extent that he even dreamed about the Visa interview!
i am so relieved now.
On a sillier note, he asked me to get up early today as they would leave around 8. Getting me to rise early is like asking a dog to fly – it is unnatural! In Imphal, people get up as early as 4 – OK, the sun rises earlier there but still, people are not sunflowers that they have to rise with the sun! His father gets up as early as 5 – which is like midnight for me. Because he is here, i wake up around 8 because i have to cook before going to office – when you actually think about it, i am sort of attaining the super-woman status - i cook, go to office, code, nag, bully and make sure the deliverables are delivered, go home and cook again! The day i get tired of it, i will complain. But till now, i am able to cope without feeling exerted.
God, how i digress. Anyway, i got sore with him because he said he would set the alarm for 6:50. i told him i would get up by 7:30 and get the breakfast ready and see them off by 8. He thought i was being uncaring and said i don’t have to get up and do anything. Bliss! I said fine and went off to sleep. He got up around 6:30 and i got up at 7:15 – prepared breakfast and they were done by 8. i had a good mind to pour the tea down his boxer! i think i am over-pampering him. The maximum of Indian men are pampered. And we women-folk are guilty of that. i do it out of love. Which is one of the stupidest excuses i have heard/made.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
speak and be damned!
His father is visiting us. And i guess that is making my mother worry. Yesterday, she told me " Don't make faces when he says anything you don't like. Behave nicely, treat him well. Don't behave the way you do at home.". i was like " stop it, stop it. Why are you telling me all this? ". And she told me she knows me too well - that i would sulk if anyone said anything. Oh ema. i told her i will go and start throwing the pots and pans.
My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.
This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.
i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.
There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".
Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.
Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.
Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.
Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.
My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.
This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.
i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.
There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".
Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.
Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.
Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.
Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.
Friday, October 17, 2008
kid-talk
One step up the corporate ladder. More power. More responsibility. And more shit to deal with.
i was asked to have a tête-à-tête with the kids. And so i did. And i realized that i am so good at giving advices! Because i am not the one at the receiving end.
What i found re-assuring was that every single one of them said they have no issue; how good the work environment is and how helpful everyone is. One kid told me of how scared everyone is of me – because i can be really harsh sometimes. That had me in spilts. i told him i only bark but don't bite. But all of them said they don’t mind me giving them a piece of my mind sometimes. SM said the kids are buttering me up. Hell, i am no bread that they can butter – the only way to impress me is through their work. Which i made amply clear – that i don’t expect anything less than 100% from them and till i am satisfied with the quality of work, i am going to nag them.
Of course, i know i am unfair sometimes. Because i expect everyone to grasp everything at one-go. i hate repeating the same thing twice. This is something i need to change – i need to have more patience.
i hope i have been able to motivate the kids. i told them that anytime they have any issue, they can approach me, if they don’t like the way i deal with them, they can say that to my face.
i don’t know whether i like this role – i like the part of where i impart gyan and dole out advices. But i am not too sure i will like the part where i have to be politically correct and all that. i think i will stay my incorrect self and see the reactions.
i was asked to have a tête-à-tête with the kids. And so i did. And i realized that i am so good at giving advices! Because i am not the one at the receiving end.
What i found re-assuring was that every single one of them said they have no issue; how good the work environment is and how helpful everyone is. One kid told me of how scared everyone is of me – because i can be really harsh sometimes. That had me in spilts. i told him i only bark but don't bite. But all of them said they don’t mind me giving them a piece of my mind sometimes. SM said the kids are buttering me up. Hell, i am no bread that they can butter – the only way to impress me is through their work. Which i made amply clear – that i don’t expect anything less than 100% from them and till i am satisfied with the quality of work, i am going to nag them.
Of course, i know i am unfair sometimes. Because i expect everyone to grasp everything at one-go. i hate repeating the same thing twice. This is something i need to change – i need to have more patience.
i hope i have been able to motivate the kids. i told them that anytime they have any issue, they can approach me, if they don’t like the way i deal with them, they can say that to my face.
i don’t know whether i like this role – i like the part of where i impart gyan and dole out advices. But i am not too sure i will like the part where i have to be politically correct and all that. i think i will stay my incorrect self and see the reactions.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
my man
His project is going live tomorrow. And my man has been slogging. And i have been trying hard to be an understanding partner – which is so difficult for someone with my nature. But i try. i do try. God, i do, i do…
i cook, watch TV, surf the whole world wide web, scrub the tiles (once in a blue moon), read a bit – all the while with an eye on the clock. It is not like i don’t like being alone. It is just that i want to be with him more. i sound so much like one of those weepy, shirttail-clutching helpless females who cannot breathe when her man is not around. But it is more fun watching TV with him rather than alone – i cannot crib to the wall or the table about the silly plots. It is more fun reading when he is around.
The post is not actually about me. It is about him – how sweet this guy can be at times that i cannot help but pull out some more love from my cache and shower it on him. And it makes me realize why i fell in love with him in the first place.
He came home late last night. After exhausting myself surfing and surfing - watching cooking videos, digging out interesting blogs, i curled up and went off to sleep. i woke up when he whispered my name. i am at my grouchiest when woken up from sleep. i grumbled and mumbled and growled and refused to get up. Any other nice girl would have thought “my man must be tired; i should lay the table, feed him and put him to sleep, maybe massage his aching body”. Not this bitch. i just kept sleeping – rather trying to sleep. He tried to wake me up gently, asking me whether he should lay the table. i just growled back in reply. And then he sang to me “ Ankhen teri…neendh se bhari” and i could not resist laughing. i love this man. i love him.
i cook, watch TV, surf the whole world wide web, scrub the tiles (once in a blue moon), read a bit – all the while with an eye on the clock. It is not like i don’t like being alone. It is just that i want to be with him more. i sound so much like one of those weepy, shirttail-clutching helpless females who cannot breathe when her man is not around. But it is more fun watching TV with him rather than alone – i cannot crib to the wall or the table about the silly plots. It is more fun reading when he is around.
The post is not actually about me. It is about him – how sweet this guy can be at times that i cannot help but pull out some more love from my cache and shower it on him. And it makes me realize why i fell in love with him in the first place.
He came home late last night. After exhausting myself surfing and surfing - watching cooking videos, digging out interesting blogs, i curled up and went off to sleep. i woke up when he whispered my name. i am at my grouchiest when woken up from sleep. i grumbled and mumbled and growled and refused to get up. Any other nice girl would have thought “my man must be tired; i should lay the table, feed him and put him to sleep, maybe massage his aching body”. Not this bitch. i just kept sleeping – rather trying to sleep. He tried to wake me up gently, asking me whether he should lay the table. i just growled back in reply. And then he sang to me “ Ankhen teri…neendh se bhari” and i could not resist laughing. i love this man. i love him.
Monday, October 13, 2008
another one of those posts
Another weekend gone. How many more do i have, i wonder? As i snuggled up to him yesterday evening, i suddenly felt sad thinking we would all die one day. i guess it was one of those moments when you feel so blessed that you are alive and with the one you love and any thought of the moment ending is unbearable.
i live as if i always have tomorrow to correct my mistakes, to shower my love on my loved ones. Don’t they say we should live as if today is our last day? i, somehow, am not able to feel that way. i feel like my life is forever. That tomorrow will always dawn for me.
Life begins to make more sense when you realize that there is no meaning to it. It just is. There is no heaven waiting for us. No hell to burn in. Heaven and hell – it is all here in this life. Whatever good i do, i do it because it makes me feel good. Not because i want to earn some brownie points. Whatever sins i commit, i do so without the fear that i would have hot rods stuck up in some unmentionable part of my anatomy after i die! i want to pay the price for my good and bad deeds here. In this lifetime.
When you really think about it, nothing matters. All the things that we worry about, the heartaches – nothing matters in the end. Maybe that is why i never care much about what other people say and do my own thing. And which is one thing about me that seems to irk everyone. That i care so less about their opinions. That i revel in doing just what i want – well, most of the time.
My thoughts are repetitive. i mean, you find the same strain in all the posts except those where i am documenting my love/fight-life; posting recipes or cribbing. But this is what i think about most of the time – when i sit there stone-faced in the bus or when i meditate in the loo – about life, what it is all about. Even when i know my thoughts don’t matter either. Life goes on – with or without my life-(un)changing thoughts.
i live as if i always have tomorrow to correct my mistakes, to shower my love on my loved ones. Don’t they say we should live as if today is our last day? i, somehow, am not able to feel that way. i feel like my life is forever. That tomorrow will always dawn for me.
Life begins to make more sense when you realize that there is no meaning to it. It just is. There is no heaven waiting for us. No hell to burn in. Heaven and hell – it is all here in this life. Whatever good i do, i do it because it makes me feel good. Not because i want to earn some brownie points. Whatever sins i commit, i do so without the fear that i would have hot rods stuck up in some unmentionable part of my anatomy after i die! i want to pay the price for my good and bad deeds here. In this lifetime.
When you really think about it, nothing matters. All the things that we worry about, the heartaches – nothing matters in the end. Maybe that is why i never care much about what other people say and do my own thing. And which is one thing about me that seems to irk everyone. That i care so less about their opinions. That i revel in doing just what i want – well, most of the time.
My thoughts are repetitive. i mean, you find the same strain in all the posts except those where i am documenting my love/fight-life; posting recipes or cribbing. But this is what i think about most of the time – when i sit there stone-faced in the bus or when i meditate in the loo – about life, what it is all about. Even when i know my thoughts don’t matter either. Life goes on – with or without my life-(un)changing thoughts.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
messy gypsy
i am the queen of untidiness! If cleanliness is indeed godliness, i am the devil! He has been dropping hints - for me to tidy up my clothes. i hate folding clothes because i can never get it right. So i just stuff them inside the wardrobe and pray that they don't fall down when he opens it. When i pull them out, they look like they have been trampled by an elephant!
At last, after a thousand subtle and not-so-subtle hints, i decided to clean up. And i unearthed some clothes i have bought and have not even worn once - in fact i have some five salwar suits that have managed to stay virgin! i don't know why i even bother to buy new clothes - as it is, i only wear the ones on top of the pile.
Good lord, if only clothes could fold by themselves. i envy Eve. She never had to worry about folding clothes - well, at least until she got thrown out from Eden.
Friday, October 10, 2008
bliss
Back after the long-long-long break!
Day 1: As is wont to happen, we started off the holidays with a fight! A bit of door- slamming, wet-eyes and the make-up session. Purrfect start, i say! Kind of like letting off the steam in preparation of the long week ahead.
After we got past the mandatory fight, we ended up having a really good time. Most of it was spend in bed – watching movies on the laptop, watching serials and movies on TV and other such exciting exercises!
We even went pandal-seeing – we were too lazy to get out of the car and join the crowd to have a darshan of the goddess and her children. We just drove past the pandals, craning our necks to see the idols, lighting and the never dwindling crowd dressed to glory. We drove past the same pandal thrice – i think he lost his way. On the third round, i could not resist myself and told him gleefully we were driving around in circles, that we have passed the same mishti shop thrice!
i insisted on going for a long drive – he indulged me. So we drove to the other end of the city – i have never been there and I wanted to see what it was like. i was expecting the place to be green and spacious. But the road was narrow and congested. After an hour, i got tired and asked him to turn back. En route i kept blah blahing about nothing in particular.
And then i insisted on a long-long-long drive. He indulged me. We drove to a sea beach about 4 hours from the city. The scenery was nice but the road – the state highway was horrible with open sores big enough to swallow the car! We drove on and on and on. The worse thing was that there is no signboard anywhere telling you where you are. So we had to keep asking for directions. After an exhausting drive, we reached the beach but not before driving through a stretch of road that had me hugging the side of the car! The beach was motor-able which meant we could drive straight up to the sea – ok, bad for the ecology. We spent some time on the beach and then went around looking for some place to fill our stomachs. This place is sort of new on the tourist map so it was clean and un-crowded which also meant fewer amenities. Since the “resorts” only had in-house restaurants we had to forego lunch. i insisted on driving on the beach and he indulged me, yet again. i tried to sneakily get the speed above 40, but he caught me at it and asked me to slow down. So mean of him, I swear. All i would have knocked down was just bored holiday-makers!
We then decided to drive back before it got dark and the roads swarming with people out hunting for pandals to feast their eyes on. And i learned a valuable lesson – never drive through these roads after dusk. No street lights. Potholes and wokholes. Add to it people who cross the road in the dark and cyclists riding in the middle of the road. i kept peering through the dark trying to spot people who seem to dart out of nowhere with a suicidal mind. Only when we approached the city was i able to sit back and relax. We decided to visit our fave Chinese restaurant only to find it jam packed. We settled on take-away.
It was bliss just to laze around, curled up beside each other. Cracking silly jokes, watching silly serials, reaching out now and then to cuddle. Bliss. Unadulterated bliss.
Day 1: As is wont to happen, we started off the holidays with a fight! A bit of door- slamming, wet-eyes and the make-up session. Purrfect start, i say! Kind of like letting off the steam in preparation of the long week ahead.
After we got past the mandatory fight, we ended up having a really good time. Most of it was spend in bed – watching movies on the laptop, watching serials and movies on TV and other such exciting exercises!
We even went pandal-seeing – we were too lazy to get out of the car and join the crowd to have a darshan of the goddess and her children. We just drove past the pandals, craning our necks to see the idols, lighting and the never dwindling crowd dressed to glory. We drove past the same pandal thrice – i think he lost his way. On the third round, i could not resist myself and told him gleefully we were driving around in circles, that we have passed the same mishti shop thrice!
i insisted on going for a long drive – he indulged me. So we drove to the other end of the city – i have never been there and I wanted to see what it was like. i was expecting the place to be green and spacious. But the road was narrow and congested. After an hour, i got tired and asked him to turn back. En route i kept blah blahing about nothing in particular.
And then i insisted on a long-long-long drive. He indulged me. We drove to a sea beach about 4 hours from the city. The scenery was nice but the road – the state highway was horrible with open sores big enough to swallow the car! We drove on and on and on. The worse thing was that there is no signboard anywhere telling you where you are. So we had to keep asking for directions. After an exhausting drive, we reached the beach but not before driving through a stretch of road that had me hugging the side of the car! The beach was motor-able which meant we could drive straight up to the sea – ok, bad for the ecology. We spent some time on the beach and then went around looking for some place to fill our stomachs. This place is sort of new on the tourist map so it was clean and un-crowded which also meant fewer amenities. Since the “resorts” only had in-house restaurants we had to forego lunch. i insisted on driving on the beach and he indulged me, yet again. i tried to sneakily get the speed above 40, but he caught me at it and asked me to slow down. So mean of him, I swear. All i would have knocked down was just bored holiday-makers!
We then decided to drive back before it got dark and the roads swarming with people out hunting for pandals to feast their eyes on. And i learned a valuable lesson – never drive through these roads after dusk. No street lights. Potholes and wokholes. Add to it people who cross the road in the dark and cyclists riding in the middle of the road. i kept peering through the dark trying to spot people who seem to dart out of nowhere with a suicidal mind. Only when we approached the city was i able to sit back and relax. We decided to visit our fave Chinese restaurant only to find it jam packed. We settled on take-away.
It was bliss just to laze around, curled up beside each other. Cracking silly jokes, watching silly serials, reaching out now and then to cuddle. Bliss. Unadulterated bliss.
Friday, October 03, 2008
i am still alive....
It has been along week for me. Last Friday, he sent a SMS saying he was home. At 5 in the evening. That had me worried. i called up and he said he was not feeling well so he thought he would rest. i rushed home but not before going to the pharmacy. i bought so many medicine that the guy must have thought i had a dying family or something! Vicks, cough syrup, paracetamol tablets, throat soothing lozenges, decongestant nasal drops, vitamin c tablet, flu tablets…When i got home, i was distraught to find he had high temperature. i got down to playing nurse – sponging and massaging and the works.
Weekend: My guy down with fever and cold & cough. Spent pretty much the whole time trying to be a good nurse – patient with the patient, caring blah and more blah. The worse thing was the food – i am always at a complete loss when cooking simple food. i am more the spicy, oily type of chef!
He skipped office for two days and i decided to be an angel and stay back too and nurse him back to health! God, i nearly acquired a halo and wings!
This is the first time i have really seen him this sick. i have always been away –either onsite or elsewhere- when he got sick before. i guess it scared me to see this big guy slumped in bed.
Thank god that he is a bit better now though the cough persists.
And we were fourth in the Dumb Charades event – lost out by 5 points! But it was so fun. I am new to this game – at onsite it was everyone’s favorite game except mine; all dinner parties ended with a session of dumb charades. I love the guessing part though. I was depressed that we did not win a prize because I was counting on the prize money to buy a good glossy recipe book. Look at me - behaving as if I cannot afford it on my own! But it is much more fun buying it with those prize coupons!
And i got promoted – meaning, i am now officially responsible for everyone’s mistakes apart from my own! i don’t know how i would cope with office politics and whether i would be able to be ever politically correct in meetings. i need to sharpen my resource management skills and not fume and spew fire when irked.
The next week being Durga Puja, we have three days off! i am planning to take Monday off so I will have an really extended weekend! yahooooooo.....
Weekend: My guy down with fever and cold & cough. Spent pretty much the whole time trying to be a good nurse – patient with the patient, caring blah and more blah. The worse thing was the food – i am always at a complete loss when cooking simple food. i am more the spicy, oily type of chef!
He skipped office for two days and i decided to be an angel and stay back too and nurse him back to health! God, i nearly acquired a halo and wings!
This is the first time i have really seen him this sick. i have always been away –either onsite or elsewhere- when he got sick before. i guess it scared me to see this big guy slumped in bed.
Thank god that he is a bit better now though the cough persists.
And we were fourth in the Dumb Charades event – lost out by 5 points! But it was so fun. I am new to this game – at onsite it was everyone’s favorite game except mine; all dinner parties ended with a session of dumb charades. I love the guessing part though. I was depressed that we did not win a prize because I was counting on the prize money to buy a good glossy recipe book. Look at me - behaving as if I cannot afford it on my own! But it is much more fun buying it with those prize coupons!
And i got promoted – meaning, i am now officially responsible for everyone’s mistakes apart from my own! i don’t know how i would cope with office politics and whether i would be able to be ever politically correct in meetings. i need to sharpen my resource management skills and not fume and spew fire when irked.
The next week being Durga Puja, we have three days off! i am planning to take Monday off so I will have an really extended weekend! yahooooooo.....
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