don't lose me...

This is definitely not the best of times for me. This emotional see-saw is making me see red - and blue and yellow and green (oh help me, god, i am going colour blind). Why do we behave the way we do – flinging barbs at each other, blind to the hurt we are causing to each other? i got so sick of it yesterday that i stormed out, cutting him off mid-sentence, and stood there in the balcony with a drove of mosquitoes. Middle of the night with mosquitoes for company, i sang songs (of all things!) to calm myself down, to erase the hurt that i so don’t deserve.

The only reason why i putting up with this is because i understand what he is going through. i know this must be the worst time of his life – seeing his mother go through the hell she is in. i know the pain he tries to hide. i know sometimes it gets too much for him and then he takes it out on the one nearest to him – and that happens to be me. But tell me, how is that fair? i am also going through a tough time trying to manage everything – it is so emotionally draining, hell, you have to go through it to know how it is like. It is so right that adversity can bring people closer – but it can drive a wedge between them too.

i want to see him through this tough time – inspite of everything, this guy means a lot to me.

i know nothing can be more painful than seeing the one you love waste away in front of you – and you stand there helpless to take away the pain you see in her eyes. i know that, honey. You say i don’t understand your pain, that i don’t care – pray tell me how do i prove that to you (and why should i prove it – hell, love does not need proof). Can’t you see the concern in my eyes? You, who is supposed to know my every emotions, can’t you tell that your pain is my pain? Why do you let your pain blind you to everything?

i am only human – one day i might snap and go away never to come back. These days, i find my eyes dry – i am drifting away. There is so much i can take without hitting back at you. One day, you might wake up and find i am gone – and you know i would not look back once i decide to leave. Don’t lose me, honey.