In an act of defiance, i suppose, the star of yesterday’s office drama came to office in the same dress!! Disgusting – for one, you don’t wear the same dress two days in a row to office; secondly, the dress does not do anything for her other than expose what is not worth looking (i being the mean cat asked S “whatever is she thinking – even with that dress, no one is going to fall for her”! i can be mean but that is the truth. She does not have the looks or the personality to attract anyone. Well, my fangs and claws are really out today!).
S has (ok, my tiny manipulative hands are behind this) reported this to HR. Once might be written off as a mistake. But showing such act of defiance – well, it ruffled our feathers. OK, i am all too aware of the freedom of expression and all that. But hello, this is the office. There is something called decorum. We hardly care if she were to strut in a two piece bikini after office hours or cavort under the waterfalls a la Mandakini.
i will be going home tomorrow for a week. Not too excited about it – i have not faced the winter cold of Imphal for years. Hell, i even feel cold over here in this non-existent winter. All my winters in Imphal were spent with a blocked nose regularly nourished with Vicks and regular steaming session to unclog my respiratory system which just cannot stand cold. i guess i shall have to resort to sleeping with hot water bags again. How hot is that?!
After i come back, i would have to really buck up and catch up on my coding. The beginning of the new year shall see me, hopefully, less quarrelsome, less of door slamming, more of an understanding partner (god bless my soul which has such good intentions!)…If only intentions were all that mattered…..
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Blood, phobia and office gossip
A funny incident occurred today at work– well, maybe not funny but it seemed funny to me; everything seems funny to me these days. One of the project guys told a fellow project female that she should be wearing decent clothes!! The female took umbrage at what she thought was a dig at her “dignity” (her choice of word, not mine). She escalated it to S, my priyo sakhi (the right word would be sakha considering that S is a guy – or so he says – but i tell him sakhi is the right word since i don’t think of him as a guy. S continues to be my dear friend inspite of this!).
Forgive me for being superficial, but this female is not good looking, that being kind to her. And she has such atrocious taste which puts me off. After coming back from her 3 months stint in the States, she is desperately trying to be “westernized” – hair dyed to almost-blond and all that. Today, she wore something that made us all look twice at her – and i never even glance her way on other days! The poor junior later came to us and told us that he found her dress so indecent that he could not bear it and told her off in the lift itself! We were like we agree with you but since this is a delicate issue, this should have gone through the proper channel blah blah…
i find it amusing that people seem more interested in picking up accent (oh god, it really hurts my ears listening to “phorenised” Indian accent), dress sense and eating habits instead of trying to imbibe better things like their civic sense, dignity of labor, sense of independence et al.
i cut my finger yesterday – was scared i would faint seeing the blood. Was disappointed (eh?) because i didn’t bleed profusely – he was nice enough to “mend” it with the band-aid while i looked away. My sister cut her finger once – i am scared of blood. She bled all over the place while i went hyper. And i am scared shit of caterpillars and other creepy crawlies. My worst nightmare would be waking up to a room full of crawlies. i shout my lungs out if i were to encounter one when i am shelling peas. i cannot even watch them on TV without squirming. i can deal with anything that walks – what gets is thing that crawls!
S is going onsite for one month – it is going to be one quiet month at work. We cannot work without picking on each other. Everyday we trade about a million galis – it would go something like - tui sala, tor khandan sala, tui baje tor khandan baje. Juvenile. And we are like old hags – we are so fond of gossip. He knows almost everything that goes on in this company – like who is going out with whom, who has hired a divorce lawyer - and he relays this for me to dissect and pass sarcastic comments.
Forgive me for being superficial, but this female is not good looking, that being kind to her. And she has such atrocious taste which puts me off. After coming back from her 3 months stint in the States, she is desperately trying to be “westernized” – hair dyed to almost-blond and all that. Today, she wore something that made us all look twice at her – and i never even glance her way on other days! The poor junior later came to us and told us that he found her dress so indecent that he could not bear it and told her off in the lift itself! We were like we agree with you but since this is a delicate issue, this should have gone through the proper channel blah blah…
i find it amusing that people seem more interested in picking up accent (oh god, it really hurts my ears listening to “phorenised” Indian accent), dress sense and eating habits instead of trying to imbibe better things like their civic sense, dignity of labor, sense of independence et al.
i cut my finger yesterday – was scared i would faint seeing the blood. Was disappointed (eh?) because i didn’t bleed profusely – he was nice enough to “mend” it with the band-aid while i looked away. My sister cut her finger once – i am scared of blood. She bled all over the place while i went hyper. And i am scared shit of caterpillars and other creepy crawlies. My worst nightmare would be waking up to a room full of crawlies. i shout my lungs out if i were to encounter one when i am shelling peas. i cannot even watch them on TV without squirming. i can deal with anything that walks – what gets is thing that crawls!
S is going onsite for one month – it is going to be one quiet month at work. We cannot work without picking on each other. Everyday we trade about a million galis – it would go something like - tui sala, tor khandan sala, tui baje tor khandan baje. Juvenile. And we are like old hags – we are so fond of gossip. He knows almost everything that goes on in this company – like who is going out with whom, who has hired a divorce lawyer - and he relays this for me to dissect and pass sarcastic comments.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
petty gypsy -- not a typo - petty and not pretty
Right now, i am supposed to be coding. But my mind keeps slipping away to places i would rather not visit. i don’t know why but i am morose. i left the house in a huff today (slammed the door as hard as my tiny hands could - hope the hinges have fallen off).
He says he cannot read my mind and i should speak out and get things off my chest instead of smoldering inside! i am not the kind to keep things inside – in fact i am the type who cannot keep anything inside. But i have been noticing this change inside me – i am withdrawing into a shell when it comes to him. As much i think I love him (see, even the choice of words – “i think”!), i find myself turning into a “silent brooding” bitch. Why, i don’t want to fathom. i guess i am so tired of our fights. Even though we inevitably make up, fights do take a toll on relationships - don’t they? How do we transform into such ugly creatures when we fight – shouting at each other, refusing to see the other side of the picture? We should be shot for trying to destroy such a beautiful relationship. Maybe they knew what they were saying when they said too much of love is not good –
bahut zyada pyaar bhi
accha nahin hota
kabhi damaan chudana
ho toh muskil hota he
We fight. i sulk. He lights up cigarette after cigarette (just to bug me, i suppose, as i cannot stand smoking – how idiotic of him to cut his nose to spite his face). Then one of us will make a move, ask something inane like ‘are we even going to eat tonight?” – the other has been waiting all the while for the ice to melt. The tone would be cold – as if it would not matter even if we starved to death. That would be enough to start the thaw – well, not all the times. Sometimes, it takes more than that.
i am going to sneak off after office and buy something nice for him. i should not have lost my temper in the morning - i hope the door is still standing. i was mean to him. OK, i will cook something nice for him and wait for him to come home – if he says anything mean to me, then i shall pour the whole dish over his head (I would have to stand on a chair for that).
Why am i making this blog like a fight-diary??? But then, hell, this is my blog and i shall write what i choose to.
----
He called me up 5 minutes back – said he would try to come out early and we could go buy the microwave we didn’t buy yesterday (because his highness’s mood got spoiled because a certain someone stayed silent and sulked when she learned that the plan to go to Imphal might not materialize because of his project delivery schedule! I am not good at handling disappointments). Anyway, slammed door forgotten, we would be leaving to go get the microwave – at last. At least, i can use it to roast his clothes next time instead of slamming the door. My, my – such petty nature. So what?
He says he cannot read my mind and i should speak out and get things off my chest instead of smoldering inside! i am not the kind to keep things inside – in fact i am the type who cannot keep anything inside. But i have been noticing this change inside me – i am withdrawing into a shell when it comes to him. As much i think I love him (see, even the choice of words – “i think”!), i find myself turning into a “silent brooding” bitch. Why, i don’t want to fathom. i guess i am so tired of our fights. Even though we inevitably make up, fights do take a toll on relationships - don’t they? How do we transform into such ugly creatures when we fight – shouting at each other, refusing to see the other side of the picture? We should be shot for trying to destroy such a beautiful relationship. Maybe they knew what they were saying when they said too much of love is not good –
bahut zyada pyaar bhi
accha nahin hota
kabhi damaan chudana
ho toh muskil hota he
We fight. i sulk. He lights up cigarette after cigarette (just to bug me, i suppose, as i cannot stand smoking – how idiotic of him to cut his nose to spite his face). Then one of us will make a move, ask something inane like ‘are we even going to eat tonight?” – the other has been waiting all the while for the ice to melt. The tone would be cold – as if it would not matter even if we starved to death. That would be enough to start the thaw – well, not all the times. Sometimes, it takes more than that.
i am going to sneak off after office and buy something nice for him. i should not have lost my temper in the morning - i hope the door is still standing. i was mean to him. OK, i will cook something nice for him and wait for him to come home – if he says anything mean to me, then i shall pour the whole dish over his head (I would have to stand on a chair for that).
Why am i making this blog like a fight-diary??? But then, hell, this is my blog and i shall write what i choose to.
----
He called me up 5 minutes back – said he would try to come out early and we could go buy the microwave we didn’t buy yesterday (because his highness’s mood got spoiled because a certain someone stayed silent and sulked when she learned that the plan to go to Imphal might not materialize because of his project delivery schedule! I am not good at handling disappointments). Anyway, slammed door forgotten, we would be leaving to go get the microwave – at last. At least, i can use it to roast his clothes next time instead of slamming the door. My, my – such petty nature. So what?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
rekindled fire.....
Back after what seems a lifetime. The last post saw me half out of love and this one finds me, well, in love again! i guess we are turning into a can’t- live-with-can’t-live-without kind of couple. As boring as it sounds, we patched up - yet again. And the sky has been clear since then – i guess we both are trying hard not to step on each other’s toes.
So we are slowly heading back towards normalcy – watching scary movies and stupid serials together, eating from the same plate (which is something i find endearing – i don’t remember when and why we started this but we always eat from the same plate.), laughing at each other’s silly jokes.
My problem is that i expect people to know what i want without me taking the trouble of telling them – stupid when i know people cannot read minds. i am like a petulant child most of the times – and to his credit this guy has put up with me for years. i guess I should grow up and start behaving like the adult i profess to be – tough.
We would be going to Imphal for a week. i think it would make sense for us to enroll in a frequent flier program or something. It is going to be cold as hell – my body is low on heat; i faced the winters when i was a kid armed with hot water bags and smothered by wollens.
My parents, sisters, my adorable niece and my precocious cousin are going over next week. It is a task trying to get my family to come visit us here. They keep dilly dallying- it is one excuse or the other. It takes me nearly 6 months of nagging phone calls – have you got your tickets?? – to get them to come over. i can understand they feel cooped up inside an apartment. But still….
Today is a very special day for us. So we are planning to order out for some special food and dine watching our favorite weepy soaps! Plus go shopping for a microwave. It is going to be fun.
So we are slowly heading back towards normalcy – watching scary movies and stupid serials together, eating from the same plate (which is something i find endearing – i don’t remember when and why we started this but we always eat from the same plate.), laughing at each other’s silly jokes.
My problem is that i expect people to know what i want without me taking the trouble of telling them – stupid when i know people cannot read minds. i am like a petulant child most of the times – and to his credit this guy has put up with me for years. i guess I should grow up and start behaving like the adult i profess to be – tough.
We would be going to Imphal for a week. i think it would make sense for us to enroll in a frequent flier program or something. It is going to be cold as hell – my body is low on heat; i faced the winters when i was a kid armed with hot water bags and smothered by wollens.
My parents, sisters, my adorable niece and my precocious cousin are going over next week. It is a task trying to get my family to come visit us here. They keep dilly dallying- it is one excuse or the other. It takes me nearly 6 months of nagging phone calls – have you got your tickets?? – to get them to come over. i can understand they feel cooped up inside an apartment. But still….
Today is a very special day for us. So we are planning to order out for some special food and dine watching our favorite weepy soaps! Plus go shopping for a microwave. It is going to be fun.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
love sucks...
If only life was easy as baking a ready-to-bake cake! The hardest thing in life is letting go. Specially, when you have invested so much of yourself in it. When we weave dreams, little do we know how much it would hurt if the dreams were to be torn apart.
i am not bitter with life. In fact, i still find myself smiling, cracking inane jokes. It is when i lay down to sleep that i visit the place inside where confusion reigns. i am so undecided about what i want – stay or move on. Either way, i will lose a part of my life. i had made a choice a year back and i feel i should stick to it come what may. But a part of me tells me it is not worth it while another part feels i would be letting down so many people. Selfish as i am, my steps falter as i plan to open a new door to another life. The choice is mine to make and i am numb. This i know for sure - i will survive, with or without love. And i know i will learn to trust again. If only i can take the first step…..
But still, this heart that has loved skips a beat when the one it has loved reaches out to touch it. Love is a cruel thing. Our lives are too entangled to disengage ourselves without bleeding. i have packed my emotional baggage (so heavy i can hardly shoulder it!) but every time i turn to go, something makes me stop. i have yet to extricate my heart from love’s clutches. What is it about love that you keep hoping everything will work out? What foolish world does love inhabit that it turns a blind eye to everything? Why do the heart insists of finding an excuse for love’s every fault?
i am actually getting bored of these heartaches. i am so saturated.
i am not bitter with life. In fact, i still find myself smiling, cracking inane jokes. It is when i lay down to sleep that i visit the place inside where confusion reigns. i am so undecided about what i want – stay or move on. Either way, i will lose a part of my life. i had made a choice a year back and i feel i should stick to it come what may. But a part of me tells me it is not worth it while another part feels i would be letting down so many people. Selfish as i am, my steps falter as i plan to open a new door to another life. The choice is mine to make and i am numb. This i know for sure - i will survive, with or without love. And i know i will learn to trust again. If only i can take the first step…..
But still, this heart that has loved skips a beat when the one it has loved reaches out to touch it. Love is a cruel thing. Our lives are too entangled to disengage ourselves without bleeding. i have packed my emotional baggage (so heavy i can hardly shoulder it!) but every time i turn to go, something makes me stop. i have yet to extricate my heart from love’s clutches. What is it about love that you keep hoping everything will work out? What foolish world does love inhabit that it turns a blind eye to everything? Why do the heart insists of finding an excuse for love’s every fault?
i am actually getting bored of these heartaches. i am so saturated.
Monday, December 03, 2007
happiness is a choice...
At another crossroads. Confused? Yes, i am. We are the choices we make in life. And as difficult as it is, i think it is time i faced some bitter truths. Of course, i am the kind that loves running away – given half a chance, i would love to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend that all is well in paradise.
i think it is time i decided what i really want from life – whether i want to be a free soul or be tied down by love – well, all is not well if i start thinking i am being tied down by love! The choice is mine and hell, i wish i could have my cake and eat it too. Umm, you cannot have everything your way, honey. So wake up and smell the fumes.
Matters of the heart apart, life is dragging on. On the work front, i need to gear up – have something big to deliver by end of January and i still have not touched it! Giving the kids a hard time – talk about taking out your frustrations on others!! i have a training to impart next week. It is an external training and god knows how many people are going to be there to listen to my blah- blah. i thought it was a good thing to have my plate full just to distract my mind.
Have been singing melancholic songs to myself all through the weekend – Don’t Cry, Woh mere needh mera chain mujhe lauta do, chupke chupke….It is fun trying to depress an already depressed mind – sadistic indeed. But when i am at it, i might as well let my mind drown before it realizes that it is no fun wallowing in pain and that there are other better things in life.
i could be bitter, i could slash my wrist (ugh, i would faint when i see the first drop of blood!), i could cry till my eyes swell up like raisins soaked in water (eh??) – but i choose to be happy in spite of everything. Because i deserve it. Yes, i deserve to be happy. Period.
i think it is time i decided what i really want from life – whether i want to be a free soul or be tied down by love – well, all is not well if i start thinking i am being tied down by love! The choice is mine and hell, i wish i could have my cake and eat it too. Umm, you cannot have everything your way, honey. So wake up and smell the fumes.
Matters of the heart apart, life is dragging on. On the work front, i need to gear up – have something big to deliver by end of January and i still have not touched it! Giving the kids a hard time – talk about taking out your frustrations on others!! i have a training to impart next week. It is an external training and god knows how many people are going to be there to listen to my blah- blah. i thought it was a good thing to have my plate full just to distract my mind.
Have been singing melancholic songs to myself all through the weekend – Don’t Cry, Woh mere needh mera chain mujhe lauta do, chupke chupke….It is fun trying to depress an already depressed mind – sadistic indeed. But when i am at it, i might as well let my mind drown before it realizes that it is no fun wallowing in pain and that there are other better things in life.
i could be bitter, i could slash my wrist (ugh, i would faint when i see the first drop of blood!), i could cry till my eyes swell up like raisins soaked in water (eh??) – but i choose to be happy in spite of everything. Because i deserve it. Yes, i deserve to be happy. Period.
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