bent----

Last night, as i was about to go to sleep, this thought struck me like a bolt from the blue. This realization that, after we die, everything ends. It is not like i didn’t realize it before but it struck me with more force and clarity than ever before. The mundane worries, the fights, the happiness, the sadness, everything will end when my existence ends. i mean, the world will cease to exist then because i would not be there to experience it. It was a scary thought – i felt like i was staring down a bottomless abyss.

Many years back, when i was a kid running around wild, even before i realized the importance of it, i had this scary experience. i believed in re-incarnation then because i was still a kid who had been taught to believe in the existence of god. For no rhyme or reason, i started thinking that if i was going to be born again and again and again, when would the cycle ever cease. My mind could not fathom it and i remember being petrified. i remember asking my playmate if she had ever thought about it and she gave me this blank stare as if i have spouted in another language. i was so sacred of this concept that life would never end, that time would go on and on and on.

Sometimes, i am scared of how my mind goes on about these things – it is like there is another creature inside my head, trying to grasp the concept of life, of the meaning of my existence. It stays silent most of the times. But like all beasts, when it rears it head, i am left confused and drained, thirsting for knowledge, for enlightenment, for that one glimpse of truth. And i wonder do other people go through this soul searching too. Or maybe i am losing my marbles.

i don’t know what could be more frustrating than having a glimpse of another world and having the window shut in your face. This is what i feel everytime i think about life – there are times when i feel i have grasped some essence, only to have it fade away. My friends say i think too much. Maybe one day, i will just slide away into the other side they call insanity.

“Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together ---“
- Bent by Matchbox 20