Breaking the silence. I was either too lazy to post or either too lazy to think. Much has transpired between the last post and now. We are on the move again. After three years. And I am sad. This place with it's gloomy weather has grown on me. And now that we are about to leave, I am suddenly interested in going to all the places but it is too cold to think of a trip.
I don't know why but I think I will be coming back. A new country beckons. I am half excited, half scared. Maybe I am too old to be playing this gypsy game now. But moving we are.
There was this farewell at the office today and they gave me a voucher for 90 pounds which I think I am going to use to buy an Android tablet because I cannot afford an iPad now - yes I can but i want to wait. It feels nice to know that you are going to be missed. My lead told me to leave my brain behind over here. Heard he has been panicking because I am going. The best thing is that I was told by two of the Managers that anytime I want to come back, I should just let them know. Which makes me secure in the knowledge that if I don't lime the new place or I feel I cannot get the same kind of work-life balance like I do now, I can always quit and come back. My ex-manager said I was the backbone of the team and that it has been a pleasure working with someone who was always willing to do things with a smile. That is me??? I think it must bs the weather that has brought out the best in me. It feels nice to know that you are regarded so highly.
I have about 10 days here. I hate the thought of packing and sorting things to give away, get rid of.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Ha ha ha ha
No, no. I am not gay. I just chanced upon this site and it is so funny that I could stop myself from logging in and sharing it. The site is damnyouautocorrect.com . I was in the loo going crazy laughing. I have not had such a good laugh over any joke. Go there and come back and thank me for making you laugh. I am signing off to go laugh some more.
Friday, July 29, 2011
30
This is it - 30 daily posts. That should take care of my annual quota of posts. It as been fun trying to maintain it. But now that I have proved that it is actually possible to have a busy life and still have time to bore the world with the non-events in your life, i think I will go into hibernation. No point in losing the few people who read me (and while I am at it, thank you whoever you are who drop in to read my ramblings) by forcing myself to come up with trite posts just for the sake of posting.
So unless something momentous happen in my life tomorrow - like finding out I am gay or something equally exciting like that- I will not be back till I really, really feel like posting.
Oh wait, did I tell you I weighed myself and I am now 44. Umm, what about celebrating that and continue till I complete 44 posts? Oh shut up, we don't want you anymore. Go away. OK. I get the message loud and clear. You can navigate away from this blog now. I need to sulk.
So unless something momentous happen in my life tomorrow - like finding out I am gay or something equally exciting like that- I will not be back till I really, really feel like posting.
Oh wait, did I tell you I weighed myself and I am now 44. Umm, what about celebrating that and continue till I complete 44 posts? Oh shut up, we don't want you anymore. Go away. OK. I get the message loud and clear. You can navigate away from this blog now. I need to sulk.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
29
When you really think about it, the human psyche is quite amusing. A few days back, I was so upset over the way my friend was (mis)conducting himself. If I had been there, I am sure I would have given him an earful and we might even have parted ways as friends. I still don't understand and condone what he has done and what he still seems to be doing but the raw sense of betrayal has subsided a bit. Desensitized. A bit.
But I think of his wife and son and I wonder whether he is still cheating behind her back. And then I think it is unfair, so grossly unfair that you should betray the trust of someone who has been with you through thick and thin. If he is really serious about this slut, then he should do the fair thing and tell his wife and let go. If he is into it just for the physical aspect then he should deserve a STD at the least.
You do not want to think that someone you consider so close would sink so low. That he couldbe so blind as to be misused. That he could be so unprofessional. That he could turn out to be one of those bastards who just cannot resist temptation. But I remember the face of that slut and I think what temptation? No man would be tempted even if she was dancing naked. Or maybe he is just into fat ugly loose women.
But I think of his wife and son and I wonder whether he is still cheating behind her back. And then I think it is unfair, so grossly unfair that you should betray the trust of someone who has been with you through thick and thin. If he is really serious about this slut, then he should do the fair thing and tell his wife and let go. If he is into it just for the physical aspect then he should deserve a STD at the least.
You do not want to think that someone you consider so close would sink so low. That he couldbe so blind as to be misused. That he could be so unprofessional. That he could turn out to be one of those bastards who just cannot resist temptation. But I remember the face of that slut and I think what temptation? No man would be tempted even if she was dancing naked. Or maybe he is just into fat ugly loose women.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
28
In the drama of the stupid affair of my equally stupid friend, I had almost forgotten about the drama in my own life. Whether I would be without a job come august. With my trademark stupid way of sleepwalking through life with no plan in mind, I had almost landed from the frying pan into the fire. Almost. Therein lies the tragedy of my life- that somehow I am always saved and I cleverly forget to learn a much needed lesson.
My lead told me my manager is going to talk to someone very, very high up to see if they will open a position just for me. Wow! How cool is that? I know the answer could be no given the tight budget they are living with. But I am happy that they are willing to go that extra mile to keep me. They could have just told me to go crawling back to my ex-company. But no, they chose to fight for me. That makes me happy. Very.
Contrast this to the people who kept telling me how much of a valuable resource I am, blah blah blah but when push came to shove, nobody even bothered to raise a squeak when I felt provoked enough to leave.
I have always thought my client cold. I mean, they don't go hiya hiying and smiling and hugging you. You never really seem to know if they are happy with you. But I have found that when you really need their help, if you deserve it, they will go out of their way. I found that when they allowed me to work remotely from home, paying me onsite rate at that. And now, this. And then you realize that what matters is that you are appreciated when it counts. No lip service. Just actions.
My lead told me my manager is going to talk to someone very, very high up to see if they will open a position just for me. Wow! How cool is that? I know the answer could be no given the tight budget they are living with. But I am happy that they are willing to go that extra mile to keep me. They could have just told me to go crawling back to my ex-company. But no, they chose to fight for me. That makes me happy. Very.
Contrast this to the people who kept telling me how much of a valuable resource I am, blah blah blah but when push came to shove, nobody even bothered to raise a squeak when I felt provoked enough to leave.
I have always thought my client cold. I mean, they don't go hiya hiying and smiling and hugging you. You never really seem to know if they are happy with you. But I have found that when you really need their help, if you deserve it, they will go out of their way. I found that when they allowed me to work remotely from home, paying me onsite rate at that. And now, this. And then you realize that what matters is that you are appreciated when it counts. No lip service. Just actions.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
27
How, just how, would you react if, out of the blue you discover that a close friend is cheating on his wife and generally making a fool of himself? Do you get angry, sad, helpless and betrayed? Do you feel tears clawing at your eyes?
I have very, very few friends. And because I chose to have few friends, I treasure them. He is one of them. And to find out that he has been misusing his power, betraying his family.
I was so sad, so very sad. And angry. And baffled. All through the day, in a corner of my mind, the thought kept replaying- how could he do this, how could he do this?
I asked someone who had access to my ex-company site to show me the picture of this slut he was carrying on with was. I had to see her face, to try to make it real. And you know, she is not even remotely attractive - I would not even look at her twice if she stepped on my toes in a bus. I would have thought maybe it was midlife crisis if the girl had been a young, pretty one. I would not have condoned it but I would have thought maybe it was hormones. Just to have an excuse to at least try to understand him.
And the worse thing is his wife suspects/ knows. He has a son too - my bloody bastard of a friend. What makes people do things like this? Is a screw so much more priority in your life than your wife and son? I kept thinking of how humiliating it must have been for his wife to make calls late at night to track him.
I don't know what to do. I would not be ableto livewith myself if I did not tell him what I think about thisfoolishness. I know is his life and he can screw all the sluts he wants but I would not condone it. I would tell him just what I think of him.
But then think what if has mended hisways? He is leaving the company and hopefully leaving her behind too.
And that slut. I only wish I was back there. I would have given her something to remember meb by. That fat cow.
And my equally stupid asshole of a friend who cannot even seem to see he is being used.maybe they deserve each other. Maybe they should both suffer from some STD. I am incoherent in my sadness.
I have very, very few friends. And because I chose to have few friends, I treasure them. He is one of them. And to find out that he has been misusing his power, betraying his family.
I was so sad, so very sad. And angry. And baffled. All through the day, in a corner of my mind, the thought kept replaying- how could he do this, how could he do this?
I asked someone who had access to my ex-company site to show me the picture of this slut he was carrying on with was. I had to see her face, to try to make it real. And you know, she is not even remotely attractive - I would not even look at her twice if she stepped on my toes in a bus. I would have thought maybe it was midlife crisis if the girl had been a young, pretty one. I would not have condoned it but I would have thought maybe it was hormones. Just to have an excuse to at least try to understand him.
And the worse thing is his wife suspects/ knows. He has a son too - my bloody bastard of a friend. What makes people do things like this? Is a screw so much more priority in your life than your wife and son? I kept thinking of how humiliating it must have been for his wife to make calls late at night to track him.
I don't know what to do. I would not be ableto livewith myself if I did not tell him what I think about thisfoolishness. I know is his life and he can screw all the sluts he wants but I would not condone it. I would tell him just what I think of him.
But then think what if has mended hisways? He is leaving the company and hopefully leaving her behind too.
And that slut. I only wish I was back there. I would have given her something to remember meb by. That fat cow.
And my equally stupid asshole of a friend who cannot even seem to see he is being used.maybe they deserve each other. Maybe they should both suffer from some STD. I am incoherent in my sadness.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
26
I have nor read a book for a long time now it seems. I was thinking of joining the public library - they let you borrow 20 books at a time. 20! That brings back memories of the library when I was in school. You were allow to borrow just one book and return it the next week. It was unthinkable of me to buy books then - they were above my league. Baba used to buy me comics - indrajal, amar chitra katha, chandamana...but the novels I love like Hardy boys, Nancy drew, Enid blyton..I could only think of reading them from the library. I bought two Nancy drew novels in my school life and that was like a very momentous occasion for me.
There were many girls in my class who did not love reading. So, I being I, always finding ways to twist the law - I used to request them to borrow books. I would decide the title, pass it on to them and they would go up to the librarian and borrow the said book and hand it over to me. That way, after each library period, instead of my prescribed quota of one book, I would have 5 or more! How thar I think of it, we must have been very trusting creatures..at least the classmates who borrowed on my behalf. What if I had torn the book or lost it? The blame would have gone officially to them.
Now, I suppose I could afford to buy the whole series of hardy, Nancy and whoever or whatever I choose to read. But I think it would not give me half the pleasure I got when I had those borrowed books handed over to me. Money, fortunately, cannot buy everything.
There were many girls in my class who did not love reading. So, I being I, always finding ways to twist the law - I used to request them to borrow books. I would decide the title, pass it on to them and they would go up to the librarian and borrow the said book and hand it over to me. That way, after each library period, instead of my prescribed quota of one book, I would have 5 or more! How thar I think of it, we must have been very trusting creatures..at least the classmates who borrowed on my behalf. What if I had torn the book or lost it? The blame would have gone officially to them.
Now, I suppose I could afford to buy the whole series of hardy, Nancy and whoever or whatever I choose to read. But I think it would not give me half the pleasure I got when I had those borrowed books handed over to me. Money, fortunately, cannot buy everything.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
25
A bit of sunshine. Had a day out. It was good fun for elf.
Maybe by next week, the uncertainty would resove. For good or bad. either way, it would not be the end of the world. I am beginning to think the trick of living is to just go with the flow and wherever it takes you. But easier said than done I know. But I will try. Am I getting wiser or just tricking myself into believing so? Who cares?
Maybe by next week, the uncertainty would resove. For good or bad. either way, it would not be the end of the world. I am beginning to think the trick of living is to just go with the flow and wherever it takes you. But easier said than done I know. But I will try. Am I getting wiser or just tricking myself into believing so? Who cares?
24
A junior at work who claims to be able to read faces said the first impression of me is that I am arrogant. How true! I am arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I mean, I have been told so many times by people that their first impression of me is arrogance. Is the way I talk? The way I hold my head? Or maybe that I look through people?
When I was in high school, I was told by somebody who later became a close friend (but now out of touch) that I turned out so different when he really got to know me. His first impression was that I was arrogant. Cut to college life and lo, the same observation made by friends there as well.
There must be something in me that makes people think I am so full of myself - which I am. But I would have never thought it was so apparent.
My colleague, bless her kind soul, reassured me today again that everyone in the project thinks very highly of me. To deserve that, I fastened my work pace and completed more than half of the analysis all by myself! Hee, how flattery works! But I needed that. After a long stint off from work, I had thought I have half lost it. But intelligence, it seems, does not desert you easily. Hah, and neither does arrogance and immodesty!!
When I was in high school, I was told by somebody who later became a close friend (but now out of touch) that I turned out so different when he really got to know me. His first impression was that I was arrogant. Cut to college life and lo, the same observation made by friends there as well.
There must be something in me that makes people think I am so full of myself - which I am. But I would have never thought it was so apparent.
My colleague, bless her kind soul, reassured me today again that everyone in the project thinks very highly of me. To deserve that, I fastened my work pace and completed more than half of the analysis all by myself! Hee, how flattery works! But I needed that. After a long stint off from work, I had thought I have half lost it. But intelligence, it seems, does not desert you easily. Hah, and neither does arrogance and immodesty!!
Friday, July 22, 2011
23
With age, I have found that I do like being appreciated. I had a talk with my lead- something I was not really looking forward to. He has a sense of sarcasm about him. I was expecting to half mock me. And lo, I was blown away because he seemed genuinely anxious to see that I stay on. He said he would not like me to leave and that he would talk to my manager and see what options they can think of. Wow! I mean, even if unfortunately nothing works out, I would be happy with the knowledge that the people here really think of highly of me. My lead also echoed my colleague's opinion that my manager would not like to lose me.
And to think the company I slogged for eight years took me for granted. Maybe the longer you stay, you get treated like the furniture around. People don't expect you to move.
I hope things work out. And I am so damn pleased to know that I am considered well almost indispensable. Almost.
And to think the company I slogged for eight years took me for granted. Maybe the longer you stay, you get treated like the furniture around. People don't expect you to move.
I hope things work out. And I am so damn pleased to know that I am considered well almost indispensable. Almost.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
22
My future is still uncertain. I have no idea what is going to happen. Which is not really fun. Not that I am sweating but i feel I should really stop this habit of doing things with the blind belief that everything will turn my way. I don't know whether closing this door would mean that other doors would open. I am hoping so.
When I think of it, my entire life has come this far without me planning anything. Which explains a lot of the mess I find myself in.
When I think of it, my entire life has come this far without me planning anything. Which explains a lot of the mess I find myself in.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
21
Still don't know where things will head. So many options but I am wary whether any of them will work out. I am becoming pessimistic with age. But I have had my hopes up - my hopes are helium filled- only to get dashed. So I am wary now.
Maybe by next week I will know where life is headed. It felt nice to have a colleague I confided to telling me that my manager would not want to part with me because he is so impressed with me. That felt good. Much better than being taken for granted. I got a call again and I was told that what I was being offered was the best package they were handing out to anyone here from the company and that irked me. Not everything has to do with money. I would have stayed if they had increased it by just a token amount to try to please me. But I felt like I was being taken for granted. For eight fucking years, I never complained even once about my salary or promotion or lack of it. Maybe it is about time I stopped underselling myself.
But I hope I still have something to do by the time the drama gets over. I mean how tragic would it be if I end up jobless because I am stupid enough to leave one before having another one in the kitty?
Maybe by next week I will know where life is headed. It felt nice to have a colleague I confided to telling me that my manager would not want to part with me because he is so impressed with me. That felt good. Much better than being taken for granted. I got a call again and I was told that what I was being offered was the best package they were handing out to anyone here from the company and that irked me. Not everything has to do with money. I would have stayed if they had increased it by just a token amount to try to please me. But I felt like I was being taken for granted. For eight fucking years, I never complained even once about my salary or promotion or lack of it. Maybe it is about time I stopped underselling myself.
But I hope I still have something to do by the time the drama gets over. I mean how tragic would it be if I end up jobless because I am stupid enough to leave one before having another one in the kitty?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
20
Either the scale is way off or I am fading away into nothingness. I weigh 43.6 kg. 43.6. Just 43.6. Not even 44. Is it because I am not having a proper lunch? But I have all the junk food to make up for that. I should be putting on weight, not losing it. Maybe I am dying. Yes, so melodramatic of me, I know.
I have decided to stick to my decision to terminate my contract. Even though the CTC is high, since I have been told I would not be getting any of the tax benefits the others do, my take home is not something I want to live with. Plus the fact that they kept harping on how my CTC was higher than anyone onsite - it made me feel like they thought I was too greedy. And that, I did not like. Another crossroad. I don't know how thigs will end up - I am counting on the reputation I hope I have built up to get me a contract with the client without any middleman- that way I would earn almost twice what I earn now. But maybe they would not want me. oh well, that would not be the end of the world. But it would not feel nice, would it?
I will wait and see where life takes me.
I have decided to stick to my decision to terminate my contract. Even though the CTC is high, since I have been told I would not be getting any of the tax benefits the others do, my take home is not something I want to live with. Plus the fact that they kept harping on how my CTC was higher than anyone onsite - it made me feel like they thought I was too greedy. And that, I did not like. Another crossroad. I don't know how thigs will end up - I am counting on the reputation I hope I have built up to get me a contract with the client without any middleman- that way I would earn almost twice what I earn now. But maybe they would not want me. oh well, that would not be the end of the world. But it would not feel nice, would it?
I will wait and see where life takes me.
Monday, July 18, 2011
19
Waiting for Monday blues to strike. I gon't mind office but I hate the waking up early routine that weekdays force upon me.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
18
Actually have nothing to write but logged in just because I did not want to break the continuity. What continuity?
Weekends always end before they start. Thought of baking but left it for tomorrow.
Weekends always end before they start. Thought of baking but left it for tomorrow.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
17
I should stop this blog-every-day drama I have started. But I think just one more day to see how many more days I can take this.
Looking forward to two days of not waking up early and rushing to get self ready for office. I must be a superwoman. Hell, no, I am not. But I still cook after I come back from office. Does that make me half- superwoman? It helps that I just work 7 hours a day- ok, less than 7 hours. I spend just 7 hours in the office. If you take away the tea time gossip, I actually work for 6.30 hours! But since I am superfast, nobody is complaining. Bliss.
I never thought I would say this but I am actually beginning to enjoy working in this project. I have minimum pressure and the tasks I do hardly tax my brain. I would be a fool to leave this job. That is what I think sometimes. I know I would leave given the opportunity to be nearer home, for my mother's sake so she could come and be with us - but I think I will miss this project. Something I never thought I would feel. I did not feel an iota of anything when I left the job before this because I never felt at home with the people there.
Looking forward to two days of not waking up early and rushing to get self ready for office. I must be a superwoman. Hell, no, I am not. But I still cook after I come back from office. Does that make me half- superwoman? It helps that I just work 7 hours a day- ok, less than 7 hours. I spend just 7 hours in the office. If you take away the tea time gossip, I actually work for 6.30 hours! But since I am superfast, nobody is complaining. Bliss.
I never thought I would say this but I am actually beginning to enjoy working in this project. I have minimum pressure and the tasks I do hardly tax my brain. I would be a fool to leave this job. That is what I think sometimes. I know I would leave given the opportunity to be nearer home, for my mother's sake so she could come and be with us - but I think I will miss this project. Something I never thought I would feel. I did not feel an iota of anything when I left the job before this because I never felt at home with the people there.
Friday, July 15, 2011
16
SC mailed asking me and SM to call up. That got me worried. I thought something momentous must have happened for him to reach out to us because he has been out of touch despite our (ok, very pathetically infrequent) attempts to stay in touch with hi
. I thought maybe he was getting a divorce or something equally bad. Then I thought maybe there has been a new addition to his family. Yes, I have a fertile imagination, made even more fertile by my rotten thoughts.
Anyway, I called him up. Then he dropped the bombshell - he has resigned. I know, I know. In an age when people change their jobs like they change their undies, this news hardly rate as sensational. But I was among the many in my ex-company to have crossed for than 5 years slaving for the same master. SC too was one. Before I left, I had beeninstigating him to leave too because he was not being given his due recognition.
He is one of the best managers I have seen. But he was being denied what he deserved because they felt he was too young. Bullshit. And the last straw was to make him report to somebody who should have been in a lesser position than him but got up the ladder because of his seniority.
I was so happy to hear the news that he has got an offer from a big company. I hope he thrives there and get what he deserves. I am so happy for my salvo.
. I thought maybe he was getting a divorce or something equally bad. Then I thought maybe there has been a new addition to his family. Yes, I have a fertile imagination, made even more fertile by my rotten thoughts.
Anyway, I called him up. Then he dropped the bombshell - he has resigned. I know, I know. In an age when people change their jobs like they change their undies, this news hardly rate as sensational. But I was among the many in my ex-company to have crossed for than 5 years slaving for the same master. SC too was one. Before I left, I had beeninstigating him to leave too because he was not being given his due recognition.
He is one of the best managers I have seen. But he was being denied what he deserved because they felt he was too young. Bullshit. And the last straw was to make him report to somebody who should have been in a lesser position than him but got up the ladder because of his seniority.
I was so happy to hear the news that he has got an offer from a big company. I hope he thrives there and get what he deserves. I am so happy for my salvo.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
15
Nothing much to write about. Work is so-so. Life is also so-so. Everything is so-so.
This every day blogging should stop. I am running out if thoughts. And i might even save the people who drop by from dying of boredom after reading my posts. Amen.
This every day blogging should stop. I am running out if thoughts. And i might even save the people who drop by from dying of boredom after reading my posts. Amen.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
14
Tenacious. Yup, that is how someone described me today. I said it sounded like I was a bulldog. Ha ha ha. I think the other groups hate seeing my mails now- I am never happy with their explanations, always end up cross questioning them and being right most of the time. I deserve a bone.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
13th
Sometimes I just get tired of the way people take you for granted and when you show them that they cannot do that, I hate it even more when they try to pacify you. I gave in my termination of contract - I don't even have another contract in my kitty - but I was getting tired of running after them for something they should have not made me run after. I gave them some days but my patience finally gave away. Now, they are after me, calling me up, sending mails. I am going to ignore them and let them sweat. It is about time somebody showed them that their unprofessional attitude would not be tolerated.
My inflated ego thinks the client will not want to part with me. I am not indispensable but I am not going to be easy to replace either. I did the work of two and they all know it. Oh hell, after a month, I might find myself working the tills- good for me, I say.
Maybe, sometimes, you just need to put your foot down.
My inflated ego thinks the client will not want to part with me. I am not indispensable but I am not going to be easy to replace either. I did the work of two and they all know it. Oh hell, after a month, I might find myself working the tills- good for me, I say.
Maybe, sometimes, you just need to put your foot down.
Monday, July 11, 2011
12th night
Baked a delicious lemon butter pound cake. He said it had too much butter but it was delicious. Ummm. Actually i did not use lemon but lime. What is the difference anyway? I bought a bag of lime - but be about a dozen lime - from the farmers' market. Now I have to find way to use them before they rot because he will start on how wasteful I am - which to my shame is true.
So I will bake more lime cakes and feed everyone. How is that for wastefullness?
Ema said she attended the kanji chali and joydev chobgba because my niece who was staying over for the weekend wanted to go. I am glad she has not stop living.
So I will bake more lime cakes and feed everyone. How is that for wastefullness?
Ema said she attended the kanji chali and joydev chobgba because my niece who was staying over for the weekend wanted to go. I am glad she has not stop living.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
11
Had a lunch invite. I don't why it is that people are never on time. We waited and waited for the other families to turn up but since we had a dental appointment(thank god), we ate without waiting for the others. I guess they will never imbibe the good things like punctuality that the Western world exhibits but would rather pick up other stupid things. Oh well, let them do what they want. I am only glad I had to endure two hours of company.
While on the topic of ex-pats like us, why is that people think drinking is a culture they have to imbibe just because they are on foreign soil? OK, yes, you get good wines at reasonable price. But to say something like you should learn to drink because you are here- heck, that sounds so stupid. No, no one said that to me - pity, I would have bitten their head off - it was an advice given to a colleague's wife by another one. They think drinking wine and wearing revealing clothes make them mod. Pathetic creatures. But they would still throw wrappers on the street and poke their dirty noses into affairs that don't concern them. Why can't they pick up the good stuff like respect for others' privacy, decency and punctuality. Oh to hell to them too.
While on the topic of ex-pats like us, why is that people think drinking is a culture they have to imbibe just because they are on foreign soil? OK, yes, you get good wines at reasonable price. But to say something like you should learn to drink because you are here- heck, that sounds so stupid. No, no one said that to me - pity, I would have bitten their head off - it was an advice given to a colleague's wife by another one. They think drinking wine and wearing revealing clothes make them mod. Pathetic creatures. But they would still throw wrappers on the street and poke their dirty noses into affairs that don't concern them. Why can't they pick up the good stuff like respect for others' privacy, decency and punctuality. Oh to hell to them too.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Day 10
Sometimes, it is difficult. I mean life. You don't know whether you are alive even. You start taking people for granted and people start taking you for granted. You just drag on from one day to the next. You try to dig joy out of the mundane existence but you get frustrated with the effort you give and the little you get in return.
There has to be something in life other than wake up, rush to office, do pointless stuff to earn some money, come back, cook, eat and sleep just to get yourself ready for another day. I don't even feel like opening my mouth to say anything to him even.
I know I complicate my life. But I cannot help it. I wish for a little escapade sometimes. I just want to live.
There has to be something in life other than wake up, rush to office, do pointless stuff to earn some money, come back, cook, eat and sleep just to get yourself ready for another day. I don't even feel like opening my mouth to say anything to him even.
I know I complicate my life. But I cannot help it. I wish for a little escapade sometimes. I just want to live.
Friday, July 08, 2011
Day 9
It was raining when I woke up. It is such a drag when you think about how you have to walk in the gloomy weather to work even if it is just 10 minutes. I am someone who hates carrying the umbrella or using it. Unless it is raining heavily, I usually walk in the rain without one.
In the afternoon, the sun was shining bright. The weather is just as fickle minded as I am over here- one moment, it is raining, the next moment bright sunshine, the next windy enough to blow me off my feet. And the weather forecast is as accurate as a monkey shooting a bow.
I need a haircut. I need a makeover. I need a life.
In the afternoon, the sun was shining bright. The weather is just as fickle minded as I am over here- one moment, it is raining, the next moment bright sunshine, the next windy enough to blow me off my feet. And the weather forecast is as accurate as a monkey shooting a bow.
I need a haircut. I need a makeover. I need a life.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Day 8
I know, I know. The resolution was for just 7 days but what the heck, I am here again. Let's see how long I can do this.
Heard some pretty risqué office romance stories from my ex- company. It sounded like b grade Hindi movie plots. Married man besotted with younger colleague - the pregnant wife threatening to commit suicide. A 'lady' emerging from the gents' toilet - this one was classic. I mean, in the office???? I mean, how frustrated can you get that you cannot even wait for office to end to go somewhere private. And in the loo, ewww...double, triple- timing ladies...I could hardly believe my ears. Well.
Talking of affairs, why would a woman (or a man) threaten to take their life because the spouse strays. I mean, why would your life be worth giving up for someone so low. I can never condone affairs - if you fall in love with somebody else, at least give your spouse the satisfaction of dumping.
I love office when I have work. When I can troubleshoot using my razor sharp brain - ha ha ha, that is a joke if ever there was one. There is a new tool being tested and though I am not even a part of the team, I am helping out an ex- junior who comes to me for help. I being a sucker for anything that I am not supposed to be doing , I am helping out on the sly.
Heard some pretty risqué office romance stories from my ex- company. It sounded like b grade Hindi movie plots. Married man besotted with younger colleague - the pregnant wife threatening to commit suicide. A 'lady' emerging from the gents' toilet - this one was classic. I mean, in the office???? I mean, how frustrated can you get that you cannot even wait for office to end to go somewhere private. And in the loo, ewww...double, triple- timing ladies...I could hardly believe my ears. Well.
Talking of affairs, why would a woman (or a man) threaten to take their life because the spouse strays. I mean, why would your life be worth giving up for someone so low. I can never condone affairs - if you fall in love with somebody else, at least give your spouse the satisfaction of dumping.
I love office when I have work. When I can troubleshoot using my razor sharp brain - ha ha ha, that is a joke if ever there was one. There is a new tool being tested and though I am not even a part of the team, I am helping out an ex- junior who comes to me for help. I being a sucker for anything that I am not supposed to be doing , I am helping out on the sly.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Day 7
OK, I did it! Blogged everyday for a week. It was not that tough as I had imagined so maybe I should try to at least blog every alternate day. Before I run out of things to blog.
I read an article yesterday about people who love to be alone. I belong to that club. There is so much of company I can stand before I start getting bored. I hate when I am invited by people I hardly know or want to know. Yes, there are a few people whose company I love and I don't mind spending time with them. But I find the majority of people boring - well, I am very sure the feeling is mutual. I hate small talk, I don't like talking about clothes, shoes or anything that most females want to talk about. He thinks I am unsocial - which I am - because I always turn down invitations from people. I mean, just because we were born in the same place and now happen to stay outside does not mean I have to like the company of other Manipuris, right? I know they must think be snobbish but it is not like I care a fig about what they think of me.
I don't remember the last time I was alone - really alone. Apart from the time I sometimes sneak off to the loo to have some alone time - pathetic. In the office I am surrounded by people. At home, the loo is the only place where I can be alone. Such is my life now.
I miss the days at Homestead in CA where I spent the weekend stuck to the bed, some days without seeing another soul and I was so happy. I miss that.
I read an article yesterday about people who love to be alone. I belong to that club. There is so much of company I can stand before I start getting bored. I hate when I am invited by people I hardly know or want to know. Yes, there are a few people whose company I love and I don't mind spending time with them. But I find the majority of people boring - well, I am very sure the feeling is mutual. I hate small talk, I don't like talking about clothes, shoes or anything that most females want to talk about. He thinks I am unsocial - which I am - because I always turn down invitations from people. I mean, just because we were born in the same place and now happen to stay outside does not mean I have to like the company of other Manipuris, right? I know they must think be snobbish but it is not like I care a fig about what they think of me.
I don't remember the last time I was alone - really alone. Apart from the time I sometimes sneak off to the loo to have some alone time - pathetic. In the office I am surrounded by people. At home, the loo is the only place where I can be alone. Such is my life now.
I miss the days at Homestead in CA where I spent the weekend stuck to the bed, some days without seeing another soul and I was so happy. I miss that.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Day 6
5 months. And it still hurts. But I think of all his sufferings and know that it would have been agony for him to continue any longer. But, yes, it still hurts.
Good day at work. On a Monday, imagine! Opened two defects. Learned to use the new tool and was so excited about it. Specially since I am not supposed to learn how to use it. Hah, suckers. Now, I am going to show my new skill to my project mates. I am planning to change the way the project works. I hate to be dependent on anyone so god help those who try to prevent me for using tools that only a few are supposed to use. No stopping this stubborn pig.
I am actually beginning to like the project now that I am able to get my way to getting access rights. Oui, very soon I will be miss indispensable. Yes, yes, I am conceited. C'mon, allow me one little vice.
SN mailed me, after ages. The sweetheart. Just yesterday, as I was eating dinner, I was thinking of her. I remember visiting her home at churchura and how welcome kaki, kakima and bhai made me feel. I remember her taking me to a mosque and we went up a tower - I don't remember the name - and we gazed at the beautiful countryside. She also took me to a beautiful church. I didn't have a digital camera then and I don't know whether we took any pictures but the memories, though fading since I think my neurons are self restricting these days - are still there and cherished. The past is a nice place to visit at times.
Good day at work. On a Monday, imagine! Opened two defects. Learned to use the new tool and was so excited about it. Specially since I am not supposed to learn how to use it. Hah, suckers. Now, I am going to show my new skill to my project mates. I am planning to change the way the project works. I hate to be dependent on anyone so god help those who try to prevent me for using tools that only a few are supposed to use. No stopping this stubborn pig.
I am actually beginning to like the project now that I am able to get my way to getting access rights. Oui, very soon I will be miss indispensable. Yes, yes, I am conceited. C'mon, allow me one little vice.
SN mailed me, after ages. The sweetheart. Just yesterday, as I was eating dinner, I was thinking of her. I remember visiting her home at churchura and how welcome kaki, kakima and bhai made me feel. I remember her taking me to a mosque and we went up a tower - I don't remember the name - and we gazed at the beautiful countryside. She also took me to a beautiful church. I didn't have a digital camera then and I don't know whether we took any pictures but the memories, though fading since I think my neurons are self restricting these days - are still there and cherished. The past is a nice place to visit at times.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Day 5
Sunday. Cooked khichuri and ooti, it being kang -rath yatra festival.
I ate too much - I am a glutton. And stupid me, I forgot to bring hajmola back from india. I don't see it being sold at te Indian stores. There is something so comforting about popping a couple of hajmola after pigging out.
I need to become a member of the library - but I am careless with books. I do not think I can deal with the tension of being careful while readin. Maybe I should just stick to second hand ones.
Need to get a haircut too. And dye my hair as well. Thinking of plum this time around.
Any more trivial thing I can think up of? None. I am now going to search for a recipe with chicken and lentil. Because I soaked too much lentil for khichuri and I had to take out some. Chicken and lentil? It sounds like a bad combination, ni? But I have not cooked anything horrible for a while so might as well try out this combo.
I need hajmola.
I ate too much - I am a glutton. And stupid me, I forgot to bring hajmola back from india. I don't see it being sold at te Indian stores. There is something so comforting about popping a couple of hajmola after pigging out.
I need to become a member of the library - but I am careless with books. I do not think I can deal with the tension of being careful while readin. Maybe I should just stick to second hand ones.
Need to get a haircut too. And dye my hair as well. Thinking of plum this time around.
Any more trivial thing I can think up of? None. I am now going to search for a recipe with chicken and lentil. Because I soaked too much lentil for khichuri and I had to take out some. Chicken and lentil? It sounds like a bad combination, ni? But I have not cooked anything horrible for a while so might as well try out this combo.
I need hajmola.
4th day
It being a weekend, I have been lazying around. Weekends are the only days I can get up late now that I have joined work. I hate getting up early - OK, I am the last person to wake up in the household but still - it is like some sort of punishment for me. I would have been called names back in Imphal since married women are supposed to be the first one to get up - you know, get breakfast for everyone, take a bath blah blah.
When Baba was alive, he always tried to get me to wake up early. I used to resort to so many tricks - hide under the blanket and pretend I have already gotten up , even taking the trouble to hide my slippers under the bed so he would not check the bed; pretending to get up and go back to sleep after he was gone. Ema somehow always took my side. I told her I get extra grumpy if I wake up early. Sleep is a luxury I love.
His family gets up along with the rooster - I don't know whether they go go cock-a-doodle too. Ema was so petrified about how I would adjust . I adjusted by getting up late! I know, I should have stayed single.
He, to be fair to him, has always let me have my way more or less. So I get to sleep in late on weekends. Weekdays - no way since I still need to earn a living.
When Baba was alive, he always tried to get me to wake up early. I used to resort to so many tricks - hide under the blanket and pretend I have already gotten up , even taking the trouble to hide my slippers under the bed so he would not check the bed; pretending to get up and go back to sleep after he was gone. Ema somehow always took my side. I told her I get extra grumpy if I wake up early. Sleep is a luxury I love.
His family gets up along with the rooster - I don't know whether they go go cock-a-doodle too. Ema was so petrified about how I would adjust . I adjusted by getting up late! I know, I should have stayed single.
He, to be fair to him, has always let me have my way more or less. So I get to sleep in late on weekends. Weekdays - no way since I still need to earn a living.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
3rd day...
...and surprise, I still have not broken my resolution. What should I bore you with today?
I was working and trying to save a document on the server when the server space ran out!! I mean , wtf? Me being me, this was quite an event, and I went around telling everybody who cared to listen about it.
I cut my finger while slicing vegetables. I was brave and did not faint but wisely went around searching for a band aid which, after much searching, I found on top of the very tall wardrobe. Blame the guy I share my life with right now. Who in their right mind would put the first aid bag so high up that I have to climb up on something to get to it. Isn't it supposed to be kept somewhere easily accessible? No wonder I want to be single again.
I was working and trying to save a document on the server when the server space ran out!! I mean , wtf? Me being me, this was quite an event, and I went around telling everybody who cared to listen about it.
I cut my finger while slicing vegetables. I was brave and did not faint but wisely went around searching for a band aid which, after much searching, I found on top of the very tall wardrobe. Blame the guy I share my life with right now. Who in their right mind would put the first aid bag so high up that I have to climb up on something to get to it. Isn't it supposed to be kept somewhere easily accessible? No wonder I want to be single again.
Friday, July 01, 2011
2nd day running
Busy day at office. Time flew by.
My father left some money - he wanted us to do something in my brother's memory. And I keep thinking of how to best do it. I don't like the idea of giving gold plated medals to supposedly meritorious students - I have those and I don't even appreciate them - but then I don't appreciate much in life. I wish I could start a home in my father's and rother's name but I would need more money and dedication than I can afford now . Which makes me sad - apart from traveling, one of my other dreams was to do something in the line of helping people less fortunate. But look at me - I am almost half past my shelf date and apart from material things, I have not achieved much in life. I am not talking career wise - he'll, I would be just as happy wiping tables in a dhaba. As I become older, I seem to get pessimistic or maybe I am more realistic now. Because I chose love over my dreams, I am tied down. Sometimes I wonder whether it has been worth it. I know love is supposed to mean everything but so many things that are supposed to be the way they are, are just not the way they should be. What does that mean?
I keep thinking of the path I have not taken and I keep thinking maybe all my dreams are there waiting for me on that path. Maybe they have given up by now. Maybe I have given up.
My father left some money - he wanted us to do something in my brother's memory. And I keep thinking of how to best do it. I don't like the idea of giving gold plated medals to supposedly meritorious students - I have those and I don't even appreciate them - but then I don't appreciate much in life. I wish I could start a home in my father's and rother's name but I would need more money and dedication than I can afford now . Which makes me sad - apart from traveling, one of my other dreams was to do something in the line of helping people less fortunate. But look at me - I am almost half past my shelf date and apart from material things, I have not achieved much in life. I am not talking career wise - he'll, I would be just as happy wiping tables in a dhaba. As I become older, I seem to get pessimistic or maybe I am more realistic now. Because I chose love over my dreams, I am tied down. Sometimes I wonder whether it has been worth it. I know love is supposed to mean everything but so many things that are supposed to be the way they are, are just not the way they should be. What does that mean?
I keep thinking of the path I have not taken and I keep thinking maybe all my dreams are there waiting for me on that path. Maybe they have given up by now. Maybe I have given up.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Busy busy bee
OK, I didn't trip on the blogging each day for a week thingy I promised myself so here I am with nothing much to blog about.
Work was busy but I prefer it that way. Before I realized, it was almost time for me to rush off to get the elf. At least now I don't have to count the seconds before I can make a respectable time to exit from the office.
One upside - well, the only one - about being impatient is that I get things done quick. I am actually superfast compared to the folks in the project. And maybe it helps that I am smart too. Hee her hee. How immodest and completely delusional can I get?
I started Hemingway's for whom the bell tolls and found it good reading. The book was under my pillow and then it fell under the bed and I am too lazy to pick it so I am waiting for someone else to pick it up so I could finish it. All such ugly details of my mundane existence are going to assault your senses for the next seven days as I will write anything to comes to my fingertip.
I blog using the iPhone now- oui, how tech savvy am I ?? And I have misplaced the charger for my MacBook and now I cannot use it. It must be sleeping with the book under the bed for all I know.
I was able to get acess right to a tool I am not supposed to be using. A minor victory in a company where everything is so f&@@@@@@@ compartmentalized. Wait till I change all that before they throw me out.
Enough for today I say.
Work was busy but I prefer it that way. Before I realized, it was almost time for me to rush off to get the elf. At least now I don't have to count the seconds before I can make a respectable time to exit from the office.
One upside - well, the only one - about being impatient is that I get things done quick. I am actually superfast compared to the folks in the project. And maybe it helps that I am smart too. Hee her hee. How immodest and completely delusional can I get?
I started Hemingway's for whom the bell tolls and found it good reading. The book was under my pillow and then it fell under the bed and I am too lazy to pick it so I am waiting for someone else to pick it up so I could finish it. All such ugly details of my mundane existence are going to assault your senses for the next seven days as I will write anything to comes to my fingertip.
I blog using the iPhone now- oui, how tech savvy am I ?? And I have misplaced the charger for my MacBook and now I cannot use it. It must be sleeping with the book under the bed for all I know.
I was able to get acess right to a tool I am not supposed to be using. A minor victory in a company where everything is so f&@@@@@@@ compartmentalized. Wait till I change all that before they throw me out.
Enough for today I say.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
400
This is my 400th post! And it took me more than a year to go from 300 to 400. Imagine! I thought maybe as a celebration of this very memorable event ( now you know just how pathetic my life is, I am actually celebrating this, I thought I would blog everyday for a week. Scary, eh? I know...
You know, the other day, because I have nothing better to do in life, I was checking out celebrity blogs. I read Big B's blog and saw he blogs almost everyday. What?! I mean, what with his busy schedule and all. I then read somewhere that someone actually ghost-blogs for him. Really? I was disappointed but maybe , just maybe it is really him.
Now, what would I blog about? I am sure to rant, crib, be pathetic. But what the hell? Let me celebrate.
We have a new release coming up and, after days of doing practically nothing, I was swamped with work and time flew like a crow on steroids (what?). So for two weeks or so, I am going to be busy. Which is so fun. It beats getting paid for doing nothing.
Am I supposed to get flattered when people tell me I look the same like I did some 6-7 years back? They say I have not changed. What do they know of my having to dye my hair to hide the grey? But yes, I am almost the same weight and my teeth have not fallen off, my knees still work....
And I was shattered to find I weigh 44.5 kgs now with clothes on. That is not a respectable figure, is it?
You know, the other day, because I have nothing better to do in life, I was checking out celebrity blogs. I read Big B's blog and saw he blogs almost everyday. What?! I mean, what with his busy schedule and all. I then read somewhere that someone actually ghost-blogs for him. Really? I was disappointed but maybe , just maybe it is really him.
Now, what would I blog about? I am sure to rant, crib, be pathetic. But what the hell? Let me celebrate.
We have a new release coming up and, after days of doing practically nothing, I was swamped with work and time flew like a crow on steroids (what?). So for two weeks or so, I am going to be busy. Which is so fun. It beats getting paid for doing nothing.
Am I supposed to get flattered when people tell me I look the same like I did some 6-7 years back? They say I have not changed. What do they know of my having to dye my hair to hide the grey? But yes, I am almost the same weight and my teeth have not fallen off, my knees still work....
And I was shattered to find I weigh 44.5 kgs now with clothes on. That is not a respectable figure, is it?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
One of my colleagues at work told me she thought I should take up teaching as I would make a very good teacher. Me? I told her I have no patience at all to become one. And she was surprised to hear that I am someone who is patience - deficient; I guess she has never really seen that side of me. It is funny that misconception people tend to have, huh?
she is a really nice lady. I remember her coming up to me and saying hi the first day i joined and I thought what a nice lady. We sometimes go on blabbering when we have nothing better to do. I have never really had a female colleague before, someone I could talk to without getting bored. And it helps that she thinks I am very knowledgable! Ahem! And what I like about her is that if she does not know something, unlike most people, she does not try to pretend otherwise. I like that attitude in people. There is something so off putting when someone just tries to talk his way into making you believe that they know something when it is so obvious that they don't. It is so refreshing to hear someone say something like ' I honestly don't know anything about that.'
So that is one way to impress me - ignorance and an attitude that is not afraid to show you are ignorant. Whatever that means.
she is a really nice lady. I remember her coming up to me and saying hi the first day i joined and I thought what a nice lady. We sometimes go on blabbering when we have nothing better to do. I have never really had a female colleague before, someone I could talk to without getting bored. And it helps that she thinks I am very knowledgable! Ahem! And what I like about her is that if she does not know something, unlike most people, she does not try to pretend otherwise. I like that attitude in people. There is something so off putting when someone just tries to talk his way into making you believe that they know something when it is so obvious that they don't. It is so refreshing to hear someone say something like ' I honestly don't know anything about that.'
So that is one way to impress me - ignorance and an attitude that is not afraid to show you are ignorant. Whatever that means.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunshine for a change
Today was supposed to be the hottest day of the year. And I saw more bare bodied men in my life today than the whole time I have been in this country. It was like all guys with bodies good enough to show off had decided to take off their shirts today. Not that I am complaining.
Even I, the kind who would wrap herself in a blanket if she could to step outside at the merest hint of a gloomy sky, I ventured out in a t- shirt today - that would be the equivalent of me stripping down to my skin.
On the work front, keeping myself busy learning new stuff that I am not supposed to know. What I hate about this place is the fact that every team is compartmentalized - one team is not supposed to have the know-how of the other team. I mean , what the hell? It is not like we are working for rival companies. We work for the same goddamn company. I insist on trying to know what the other teams do. That did not go down too well in the beginning. But I guess my perseverance got the better of them.
One of my ex-junior told me their productivity has gone down now that I am back in the office because we now have long tea breaks - ok, oneong tea break to be precise. He said tea breaks were not that fun when I am not around. Hah! I must be miss popularity herself!
Even I, the kind who would wrap herself in a blanket if she could to step outside at the merest hint of a gloomy sky, I ventured out in a t- shirt today - that would be the equivalent of me stripping down to my skin.
On the work front, keeping myself busy learning new stuff that I am not supposed to know. What I hate about this place is the fact that every team is compartmentalized - one team is not supposed to have the know-how of the other team. I mean , what the hell? It is not like we are working for rival companies. We work for the same goddamn company. I insist on trying to know what the other teams do. That did not go down too well in the beginning. But I guess my perseverance got the better of them.
One of my ex-junior told me their productivity has gone down now that I am back in the office because we now have long tea breaks - ok, oneong tea break to be precise. He said tea breaks were not that fun when I am not around. Hah! I must be miss popularity herself!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The art of staying alive
What is the art of staying alive? By that I don't mean just breathing, eating...I mean alive in the sense of knowing what you want, having a sense of direction...I am so fucking bored out of my mind these days- see, I even used the f word. I am that bored. I get no joy out of work - because I have nothing much to do. I should have taken a longer break but the client kept asking when I would join. Rather than not have a job, I joined. They pay me now for spending half the day gazing at the laptop with empty eyes. I would rather have work than sit idle. The minutes seem to crawl painfully slow.
The days are painfully similar, one day bleeding into the next. And half the year is gone even before I realized it.
I guess after some time you have to realize that there is no sense in life, no purpose. We are born, we will die and in between, if we are lucky we would have lived. What is the whole fucking point of earning and making my bank balance fat? Security for the future they say. What the hell! I don't even know whether I want to be alive tomorrow.
I am beginning to fade. Into the nothingness I came from. I don't find nothing much to look forward to because I see no sense in anything in life. Hormones? Phase of the moon? Or maybe I just became wiser.
The days are painfully similar, one day bleeding into the next. And half the year is gone even before I realized it.
I guess after some time you have to realize that there is no sense in life, no purpose. We are born, we will die and in between, if we are lucky we would have lived. What is the whole fucking point of earning and making my bank balance fat? Security for the future they say. What the hell! I don't even know whether I want to be alive tomorrow.
I am beginning to fade. Into the nothingness I came from. I don't find nothing much to look forward to because I see no sense in anything in life. Hormones? Phase of the moon? Or maybe I just became wiser.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
i am back..the weather is a bitch...so many things happened in between..birthday came and went leaving me one year older..I do not find birthdays special anymore.. He'll, it is just another day. How does it matter whether you were born on that date many moons back? Why do we celebrate birthdays? I mean what is the point? Are we celebrating the joy of being alive? Just on one day? I am so anti-everything these days.
I was also sick right after the birthday. When it was a torture just to drag myself out of bed. It has been a long time that I have been sick that I had forgotten how much it sucks. It is then you realize that there is nothing like good health. If you are not feeling well, nothing counts. I made life miserable for everyone because I was feeling so miserable. nothing like adversity to bring out the worse in me.
I also returned to work. After nearly half an year of enjoying working from home, not having to bother with deciding what to war, whether I am late...I hate it. But I don't have any excuse of not joining the other ordinary mortals in their daily trudge to work. And as expected from me, all I made in the one month break I took allegedly to brush up my candle making skills were 4 candles... All miserable looking ones. I swear it is enough to make me forget about the dream of a candle shop. But in my defense I was just not in the mood. I need to have that creative juices flowing before I start a project. This time around it was more like forced. I was clever and gave up and went back to books and sleeping instead. Pat me on the back, please.
At work, everybody welcomed me. Umm. That felt good. Also, one of my colleagues from my ex- company who is here said she was frustrated to see me in so good a shape. I don't know whether she was expecting me to have aged, put on weight, look horrible in the intervening years she had not seen me. hah! Good genes.
Life is strange. It throws you in situations that rattle you when you least expect it. One thing I have discovered is that I am the kind of person I wantto be with when I am in trouble. I will initially panic, start tearing my hair and do the stuff drama queens do. And then I will transform into a cool(cold) headed bitch who will go about mending the broken pieces and trying to extricate myself from the holes I keep falling into. I love Myself. Yes I do.
I was also sick right after the birthday. When it was a torture just to drag myself out of bed. It has been a long time that I have been sick that I had forgotten how much it sucks. It is then you realize that there is nothing like good health. If you are not feeling well, nothing counts. I made life miserable for everyone because I was feeling so miserable. nothing like adversity to bring out the worse in me.
I also returned to work. After nearly half an year of enjoying working from home, not having to bother with deciding what to war, whether I am late...I hate it. But I don't have any excuse of not joining the other ordinary mortals in their daily trudge to work. And as expected from me, all I made in the one month break I took allegedly to brush up my candle making skills were 4 candles... All miserable looking ones. I swear it is enough to make me forget about the dream of a candle shop. But in my defense I was just not in the mood. I need to have that creative juices flowing before I start a project. This time around it was more like forced. I was clever and gave up and went back to books and sleeping instead. Pat me on the back, please.
At work, everybody welcomed me. Umm. That felt good. Also, one of my colleagues from my ex- company who is here said she was frustrated to see me in so good a shape. I don't know whether she was expecting me to have aged, put on weight, look horrible in the intervening years she had not seen me. hah! Good genes.
Life is strange. It throws you in situations that rattle you when you least expect it. One thing I have discovered is that I am the kind of person I wantto be with when I am in trouble. I will initially panic, start tearing my hair and do the stuff drama queens do. And then I will transform into a cool(cold) headed bitch who will go about mending the broken pieces and trying to extricate myself from the holes I keep falling into. I love Myself. Yes I do.
Monday, May 23, 2011
the demons in me....
Sometimes, i don't know how my bad moods are triggered, how these demons in me awaken. Sometimes, it takes nothing to make me angry with life, with everyone around me. i get angry with ema if she takes too long to answer my call, i do not respond if he asks me something - it is a wonder i have people still in my life. Maybe ties are difficult to break.
...so much to live for. And yet, i squander away my happiness, my life by insisting on being true to my moods, these dark, mind numbing streaks of thoughts that rain on e every now and then. Soaking me to the soul with misery. i wait for the sun to come out but when it does, all i can see is the dark clouds that would drift in after a bright spell.
the goodness in me, have i lost it all, spent away drop by drop trying to feed my demons to retreat? or do i find excuses just to justify the kind of mean bitch i am? the trouble with me is i am a drama queen who loves to wallow in the mud of self inflicted misery, who will tear open a joy to try to find the sorrow inside and cry foul if none is there, who is tainted with cynicism. Such a pity i love the bitch in me.
...so much to live for. And yet, i squander away my happiness, my life by insisting on being true to my moods, these dark, mind numbing streaks of thoughts that rain on e every now and then. Soaking me to the soul with misery. i wait for the sun to come out but when it does, all i can see is the dark clouds that would drift in after a bright spell.
the goodness in me, have i lost it all, spent away drop by drop trying to feed my demons to retreat? or do i find excuses just to justify the kind of mean bitch i am? the trouble with me is i am a drama queen who loves to wallow in the mud of self inflicted misery, who will tear open a joy to try to find the sorrow inside and cry foul if none is there, who is tainted with cynicism. Such a pity i love the bitch in me.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
the long and short of it...
Putting it bluntly, i am short - though petite seems a better word. Though not short enough to qualify as a dwarf. Growing up in a place where the people are generally not too vertically blessed - though the present crop of generation suggests otherwise - i never felt umm 'vertically challenged' (for the want of a better word).
i have heard it so often from my friends who are short that if there was one thing they would wish for, it would be for those extra inches. And i have been questioned so many times by them whether i hated being short. The answer has always been 'no' and i have always been met with disbelief. They think i am just putting on a brave face and pretending i am happy with what i am.
If i ask myself the same question, the answer is 'no' - i don't hate the fact that i am not tall. i think it is my ego - i mean when you are as conceited as i am, you don't need the 'physical' height. You think you are so above the others that even from my 5' nothing elevation, you seem to tower over those who are physically at a higher elevation than you! Though i concede i am far from perfect (oh thank god for that trace of modesty), i think i am at peace with the way i look. Which would also explain why i refuse to add some inches wearing heels. i do not find shoes with any semblance of elevation exceeding 5 cm comfortable. i love flats, ballerinas, sneakers or just walking barefoot. Anything but heels.
i need a stool or a chair if i have to get things off the top shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes, very unladylike and much to his amusement, i jump up on the kitchen counter to get things off the top shelf. But who cares? Like they say, beautiful things come in small packages!
i have heard it so often from my friends who are short that if there was one thing they would wish for, it would be for those extra inches. And i have been questioned so many times by them whether i hated being short. The answer has always been 'no' and i have always been met with disbelief. They think i am just putting on a brave face and pretending i am happy with what i am.
If i ask myself the same question, the answer is 'no' - i don't hate the fact that i am not tall. i think it is my ego - i mean when you are as conceited as i am, you don't need the 'physical' height. You think you are so above the others that even from my 5' nothing elevation, you seem to tower over those who are physically at a higher elevation than you! Though i concede i am far from perfect (oh thank god for that trace of modesty), i think i am at peace with the way i look. Which would also explain why i refuse to add some inches wearing heels. i do not find shoes with any semblance of elevation exceeding 5 cm comfortable. i love flats, ballerinas, sneakers or just walking barefoot. Anything but heels.
i need a stool or a chair if i have to get things off the top shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes, very unladylike and much to his amusement, i jump up on the kitchen counter to get things off the top shelf. But who cares? Like they say, beautiful things come in small packages!
Monday, May 16, 2011
She does me proud.....
OK, she is not your ultra educated kind; she does not read hi-funda books; she is the small town woman who always think about what others will say/think. My mother. She of the perpetual worries, she of the large hearted ever forgiving nature.
I talk to her over the phone everyday. I cannot imagine how life must be now without Baba. Yesterday she sheepishly asked me whether she could ask me something. She knows my temper only too well and she knows it takes just one wrong move to make me foam at the mouth- yes, yes, I am a bad daughter. She wanted to know of my younger sister had anyone in her life because she is thinking of getting her married off- you know the usual Indian parents' dialogue of completing all their duties before they die (as of getting your daughters married off is completing your duty but let's not digress). I hesitated. I am the only one in the family who knows of my sister's relationship with someone who is not from our community - I fully support them. The guy had asked me to talk to my family about their intention to get married but with Baba's demise, I thought it best to wait for everyone to get a semblance of order in our lives. My mother said she had asked her friends to find a good Manipuri match for my sister. I told her to stop searching for one. And I told her. I was expecting at least a token murmur of displeasure from her considering how parents always seem to want 'guys from our own kind' . But all she asked wad whether the guy was good . I said yes. I thought she would have protested a bit about how inter- racial marriages are not good. But all she said was we should get her married off once the one year mourning period is over.
Yes, I was left a bit stunned. I had expected to play the large- hearted elder sister supporting her sister against silly family notions of keeping it all within the community. IDamn, I had expected to give a lecture about how we should judge aa person not by his religion or caste or community but by the goodness in him. I had expected to play the large hearted big sister who would arrange to get her sister married on her ownsome despite family protests and threats of ostracism.
Tough luck. It seems I misjudged my mother and her ability to accept things for her daughter's happiness. No threats. No tears of blackmail. Just a graceful acceptance. I am sobproud to be her daughter. Ema, I love and adore you.
I talk to her over the phone everyday. I cannot imagine how life must be now without Baba. Yesterday she sheepishly asked me whether she could ask me something. She knows my temper only too well and she knows it takes just one wrong move to make me foam at the mouth- yes, yes, I am a bad daughter. She wanted to know of my younger sister had anyone in her life because she is thinking of getting her married off- you know the usual Indian parents' dialogue of completing all their duties before they die (as of getting your daughters married off is completing your duty but let's not digress). I hesitated. I am the only one in the family who knows of my sister's relationship with someone who is not from our community - I fully support them. The guy had asked me to talk to my family about their intention to get married but with Baba's demise, I thought it best to wait for everyone to get a semblance of order in our lives. My mother said she had asked her friends to find a good Manipuri match for my sister. I told her to stop searching for one. And I told her. I was expecting at least a token murmur of displeasure from her considering how parents always seem to want 'guys from our own kind' . But all she asked wad whether the guy was good . I said yes. I thought she would have protested a bit about how inter- racial marriages are not good. But all she said was we should get her married off once the one year mourning period is over.
Yes, I was left a bit stunned. I had expected to play the large- hearted elder sister supporting her sister against silly family notions of keeping it all within the community. IDamn, I had expected to give a lecture about how we should judge aa person not by his religion or caste or community but by the goodness in him. I had expected to play the large hearted big sister who would arrange to get her sister married on her ownsome despite family protests and threats of ostracism.
Tough luck. It seems I misjudged my mother and her ability to accept things for her daughter's happiness. No threats. No tears of blackmail. Just a graceful acceptance. I am sobproud to be her daughter. Ema, I love and adore you.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Updates
We got our missing luggage back. Air India is not so bad after all!!
After lot of dilly dallying, i finally placed my candle making supplies order - wax, wick and all those things i need. i am waiting for my lazy ass of a friend to send me my moulds from CA where i left them. If i am lucky, he just might send them before i die of impatience.
Why is it that when i finally get to blogging, all my thoughts evaporate? i mean, when i am doing other stuff like cooking or bathing, i think of the many thoughts i would capture and lay to rest in my blog. But i log in, click on new post and all that i can manage is mundane update nobody would be interested in. If there were such a thing as mental blogging, hell, i would have crossed some thousand posts.
i am forever glued to the 'rental' websites in search of a new place to rent. He wants a house with a garden. i just want a place that is near to my office and with two bathrooms. Most of the houses have only one family bathroom. i have this thing for bathrooms - having lived in a rented flat with one bath with my sister and having had to hammer at the door near about to burst, nothing would induce me to live in a place where i don't have a spare bathroom to run to. He sends me links to properties miles away from my office and kindly suggests i could take the bus to the office saying it will JUST take me 25 minutes. It is enough to want me to smash a commode over his head. The ones i suggest are either too costly - never mind it is less than what we pay now - or not in a neighborhood he likes. i suppose we are stuck in this apartment till they decide to raise the rent or evict us. Oh well...
After lot of dilly dallying, i finally placed my candle making supplies order - wax, wick and all those things i need. i am waiting for my lazy ass of a friend to send me my moulds from CA where i left them. If i am lucky, he just might send them before i die of impatience.
Why is it that when i finally get to blogging, all my thoughts evaporate? i mean, when i am doing other stuff like cooking or bathing, i think of the many thoughts i would capture and lay to rest in my blog. But i log in, click on new post and all that i can manage is mundane update nobody would be interested in. If there were such a thing as mental blogging, hell, i would have crossed some thousand posts.
i am forever glued to the 'rental' websites in search of a new place to rent. He wants a house with a garden. i just want a place that is near to my office and with two bathrooms. Most of the houses have only one family bathroom. i have this thing for bathrooms - having lived in a rented flat with one bath with my sister and having had to hammer at the door near about to burst, nothing would induce me to live in a place where i don't have a spare bathroom to run to. He sends me links to properties miles away from my office and kindly suggests i could take the bus to the office saying it will JUST take me 25 minutes. It is enough to want me to smash a commode over his head. The ones i suggest are either too costly - never mind it is less than what we pay now - or not in a neighborhood he likes. i suppose we are stuck in this apartment till they decide to raise the rent or evict us. Oh well...
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
The journey that was...
Once again, I left home, a teary- eyed mother, the sultry weather, the crowded streets, the feeling of being home- for earning in pounds..hell, I have my priorities wrong, I tell you. But here I am, in a place where the sun is too lazy to shine.
Of course, since we are cheapstakes we travelled by Air India - and also because they allow you to carry 46 kgs - almost my weight. And of course, it was a journey to remember. The night before the journey, at 12 in the night, the mobile rang and we were told the connecting flight from Kol to Delhi has been cancelled so could we please drag our asses over to the airport at 5 in the morning so they could arrange to send us to Delhi for our flight. That would mean getting up at 3 to get ready - I sorta panicked thinking about how early 3 is - it is an indecent hour to get up from bed except maybe to piss. He set the alarm for 2:30 - I tell you he is a sadistic b&@@&&£))$*€. I almost cried thinking about having to wake before the birds. Anyway, i did manage to get up and we were at the airport at 5. I was very surprised to see the world still existed at such early hours. After a lot of standing in queues, we got our tickets to Delhi by Jet Airways. After more hours standing in queue to get checked in, we finally boarded the flight. And it beats me why they serve so less portion on the damn flight. After Singapore Airlines, it is pretty much hard to travel by any other airlines and notcrib.
We reached our destination only to find one luggage missing - for the first tie in my life I faced the trauma of losing baggage.
We lodged a complaint and came home, tired and sleepy and cranky. And found the lift to the apartment not working. So he had to carry the luggage weighing a ton to the third floor. He, unfortunately, did not break his back -wow, that was mean even for me but remember he set the alarm for 2:30?
We heard that they have been able to trace the bag and they would be sending it over. Imagine! I had given up hope of seeing my poor flea market bought bag.
Of course, since we are cheapstakes we travelled by Air India - and also because they allow you to carry 46 kgs - almost my weight. And of course, it was a journey to remember. The night before the journey, at 12 in the night, the mobile rang and we were told the connecting flight from Kol to Delhi has been cancelled so could we please drag our asses over to the airport at 5 in the morning so they could arrange to send us to Delhi for our flight. That would mean getting up at 3 to get ready - I sorta panicked thinking about how early 3 is - it is an indecent hour to get up from bed except maybe to piss. He set the alarm for 2:30 - I tell you he is a sadistic b&@@&&£))$*€. I almost cried thinking about having to wake before the birds. Anyway, i did manage to get up and we were at the airport at 5. I was very surprised to see the world still existed at such early hours. After a lot of standing in queues, we got our tickets to Delhi by Jet Airways. After more hours standing in queue to get checked in, we finally boarded the flight. And it beats me why they serve so less portion on the damn flight. After Singapore Airlines, it is pretty much hard to travel by any other airlines and notcrib.
We reached our destination only to find one luggage missing - for the first tie in my life I faced the trauma of losing baggage.
We lodged a complaint and came home, tired and sleepy and cranky. And found the lift to the apartment not working. So he had to carry the luggage weighing a ton to the third floor. He, unfortunately, did not break his back -wow, that was mean even for me but remember he set the alarm for 2:30?
We heard that they have been able to trace the bag and they would be sending it over. Imagine! I had given up hope of seeing my poor flea market bought bag.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
.....in remembrance
Today marked the second monthly death anniversary of Baba. Two months gone.
And because life has to go on, i have packed away the memories in little sachets tied with love - packed away because i need to forget to be able to move on. Is that cruel? i don't know but that is my way of dealing with grief and loss. i get drawn in an abyss of sadness if i try to remember, i see his face when i close my eyes, the way he suffered and i don't want to remember him like that. i want to forget enough to be able to remember him from earlier days - like when he fetched me from school and took me to have omelette and falooda; when he bought me those tiny cheese packs; how i used to wait up for him to come home; of being his favourite daughter; pampering me and indulging me when i was fussy about eating; telling me not to study so much when he found me still up at 1 in the night....i am so sad now i could drown. And since i cannot live this way, i choose to forget. Till the time i am healed enough to be able to remember without this pain, till the time i can smile when i see his face.
In his memory, we decided to donate lunch for the inmates of Mother Teresa's Nirmal Hriday. Bachou said it was much better than donating at a temple. i could not agree more. And so Emaibem, Ema and i went to the home today. Since the one at kalighat is under renovation, we had to go to Prem Daan at Park Circus. It took quite a bit of asking around before we could find it. There it was in a squalid crowded lane that could barely let our car in. But the gates opened and we were in another world - serene and peaceful. There were so many foreign volunteers - in fact all of the volunteers were foreigners. Some were feeding the old women, one was clipping somebody's nail, another was darning a torn gamcha (towel). i spoke to some of them - one old shriveled woman said she was waiting for death to take her away from her misery, she can no longer walk, constipated....i was almost in tears to see the sufferings. i do not have much stomach for human tragedy...It was a humbling experience. Ema and Emaibem served the inmates along with the volunteers.
i thought ice-cream would be nice in the heat after the lunch. So i got permission from the sisters to get ice-cream for the inmates. i took B, our trusted driver, and we went off in search of ice-cream in the by-lanes. i think he was worried about me and he told me to stay back and he would go alone as it was not the friendliest looking neighbourhood. i waved away his fears and we managed to collect the required number from two shops. It was a treat to see them enjoying the ice-cream and i thought for less than 10 pounds, you could make the day for 50 people.
We gave away all the leftover syringes and medicines - kind of cleaning up and letting go, step by step. Also, i managed to get my sister to open her dreaded wardrobe and after an afternoon spent with me holding up one garment after another asking 'Staying or going' and Ema and my sister deciding whether to keep it/give it away, we managed to glean two big, big bags of clothes to give away. There were some clothes that even had the tag intact!! Why do women buy so many clothes? Beats me.
Ema wants to set up a trust in Baba's and my brother's name - give away gold(plated) medals to students. i said i would rather sponsor some poor deserving students rather than dole out medal to students who would then keep it hidden somewhere (i should know, i have them hidden away god knows where). Only trouble is finding genuinely deserving students. If you know of any, please suggest.
And because life has to go on, i have packed away the memories in little sachets tied with love - packed away because i need to forget to be able to move on. Is that cruel? i don't know but that is my way of dealing with grief and loss. i get drawn in an abyss of sadness if i try to remember, i see his face when i close my eyes, the way he suffered and i don't want to remember him like that. i want to forget enough to be able to remember him from earlier days - like when he fetched me from school and took me to have omelette and falooda; when he bought me those tiny cheese packs; how i used to wait up for him to come home; of being his favourite daughter; pampering me and indulging me when i was fussy about eating; telling me not to study so much when he found me still up at 1 in the night....i am so sad now i could drown. And since i cannot live this way, i choose to forget. Till the time i am healed enough to be able to remember without this pain, till the time i can smile when i see his face.
In his memory, we decided to donate lunch for the inmates of Mother Teresa's Nirmal Hriday. Bachou said it was much better than donating at a temple. i could not agree more. And so Emaibem, Ema and i went to the home today. Since the one at kalighat is under renovation, we had to go to Prem Daan at Park Circus. It took quite a bit of asking around before we could find it. There it was in a squalid crowded lane that could barely let our car in. But the gates opened and we were in another world - serene and peaceful. There were so many foreign volunteers - in fact all of the volunteers were foreigners. Some were feeding the old women, one was clipping somebody's nail, another was darning a torn gamcha (towel). i spoke to some of them - one old shriveled woman said she was waiting for death to take her away from her misery, she can no longer walk, constipated....i was almost in tears to see the sufferings. i do not have much stomach for human tragedy...It was a humbling experience. Ema and Emaibem served the inmates along with the volunteers.
i thought ice-cream would be nice in the heat after the lunch. So i got permission from the sisters to get ice-cream for the inmates. i took B, our trusted driver, and we went off in search of ice-cream in the by-lanes. i think he was worried about me and he told me to stay back and he would go alone as it was not the friendliest looking neighbourhood. i waved away his fears and we managed to collect the required number from two shops. It was a treat to see them enjoying the ice-cream and i thought for less than 10 pounds, you could make the day for 50 people.
We gave away all the leftover syringes and medicines - kind of cleaning up and letting go, step by step. Also, i managed to get my sister to open her dreaded wardrobe and after an afternoon spent with me holding up one garment after another asking 'Staying or going' and Ema and my sister deciding whether to keep it/give it away, we managed to glean two big, big bags of clothes to give away. There were some clothes that even had the tag intact!! Why do women buy so many clothes? Beats me.
Ema wants to set up a trust in Baba's and my brother's name - give away gold(plated) medals to students. i said i would rather sponsor some poor deserving students rather than dole out medal to students who would then keep it hidden somewhere (i should know, i have them hidden away god knows where). Only trouble is finding genuinely deserving students. If you know of any, please suggest.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
check.. check...check-up
In the last 10 years, i have had 8 medical tests - those stupid mandatory tests you have to undergo before they let you travel outside. And i have not seen the reports or heard anything about the condition of my heart, chest, stool or urine. Ever. Which makes me think i must be very healthy!
i went for one today.
i hate these tests - for one thing i have to get up early and present myself to be prodded and poked and blood sucked out. i cannot understand why they have to insist on taking so much of my blood considering that i don't have much of it.
i don't like the gel they apply before they attach electrodes and monitor your heart or whatever else they monitor. i don't enjoy changing into those sacks which pass for gowns and look like some human drowning in a gown. i don't like them making me read out the letters or trying to make sure i can spot numbers hidden in colourful circles. i don't like drinking half a bottle of water and then squirming about ready to burst waiting for the USG.
And today, after they drew blood (fasting), they offered me a glass of glucose laden water. Damn. i was expecting sweet, milk, banana, egg...anything but a glass of glucose.
And it is funny how the GP always assumes that you being female they can just cross out the 'Do you smoke?'; 'Do you drink?' questions. i don't smoke (unless you count the one time i took a puff of a bidi when i was a kid - yes, i started early -or the one time i smoked grass in Univ) or drink. But hey, i would at least like to be asked.
i was told twice today that my Bengali is so good. Actually it was more like 'Tumi khub sundar bangla bollo' (You speak beautiful bengali) and i went my usual 'oh ekhane onek din hoye geche tai jonno'. The other day someone told me 'Tomar Bangla tah khub poriskar' (Your Bengali is very clear). It made me feel as if my speech was a stream, flowing clear! Hah! i think it is because they don't expect me to be able to understand a single word of Bengali and then i open my mouth and ask something simple like 'Bag tah ki ekhane rakhbo?' and they literally spin around and do a double take. But then i remember being just as unbelieving when non-manipuris speak Manipuri.
Oh yes, and i have gained weight. One kg to be precise. But the lady who took my weight asked me 'Oto roga keno?' (Why are you so thin?). She was a nice one - even help me get into an ugly green gown that made me look like a chinky caterpillar! Ha ha ha...
And we celebrated Meitei New Year today. Katla mach, eromba and salad. When it is your mother cooking, well, everything tastes good.
i went for one today.
i hate these tests - for one thing i have to get up early and present myself to be prodded and poked and blood sucked out. i cannot understand why they have to insist on taking so much of my blood considering that i don't have much of it.
i don't like the gel they apply before they attach electrodes and monitor your heart or whatever else they monitor. i don't enjoy changing into those sacks which pass for gowns and look like some human drowning in a gown. i don't like them making me read out the letters or trying to make sure i can spot numbers hidden in colourful circles. i don't like drinking half a bottle of water and then squirming about ready to burst waiting for the USG.
And today, after they drew blood (fasting), they offered me a glass of glucose laden water. Damn. i was expecting sweet, milk, banana, egg...anything but a glass of glucose.
And it is funny how the GP always assumes that you being female they can just cross out the 'Do you smoke?'; 'Do you drink?' questions. i don't smoke (unless you count the one time i took a puff of a bidi when i was a kid - yes, i started early -or the one time i smoked grass in Univ) or drink. But hey, i would at least like to be asked.
i was told twice today that my Bengali is so good. Actually it was more like 'Tumi khub sundar bangla bollo' (You speak beautiful bengali) and i went my usual 'oh ekhane onek din hoye geche tai jonno'. The other day someone told me 'Tomar Bangla tah khub poriskar' (Your Bengali is very clear). It made me feel as if my speech was a stream, flowing clear! Hah! i think it is because they don't expect me to be able to understand a single word of Bengali and then i open my mouth and ask something simple like 'Bag tah ki ekhane rakhbo?' and they literally spin around and do a double take. But then i remember being just as unbelieving when non-manipuris speak Manipuri.
Oh yes, and i have gained weight. One kg to be precise. But the lady who took my weight asked me 'Oto roga keno?' (Why are you so thin?). She was a nice one - even help me get into an ugly green gown that made me look like a chinky caterpillar! Ha ha ha...
And we celebrated Meitei New Year today. Katla mach, eromba and salad. When it is your mother cooking, well, everything tastes good.
Monday, April 04, 2011
...
i want to have my cake and eat it too...And when you are stupid enough to want that, then you are in for heartache.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Calcutta revisited
i love Calcutta. It does not have anything to do with the fact that i have stayed here for so long. i love it because it has a soul. Can a city have a soul? i don't know but this place is where i feel at home, home away from home. i love Imphal too but it is a love tinged with angst, of a love that somehow feels unrequited, unfulfilled. Like mooning for something that you know you can never have.
Calcutta has changed - what with its swanky malls and numerous flyovers zigzagging everywhere. The geography has changed - i can no longer find familiar landmarks, shadowed as they are by newer landmarks i do not recognise. But there are places still untouched, still the same as i left them years ago. Like the 8B market. Still the same murghir stall, the same dada who recognises me after 5 years, who fondly complains that i no longer buy from him and says i have become too thin, who tells me 'abar aasben kintu, didi' (But you must come again). The same vegetable vendor who always ask me where i have been, who throws in a lebu extra.
And then i know why i love Calcutta. Because of the people. Them fish eating, adda loving people. Sometimes, i forget that i am an outsider. But like SN tells me 'Tumi toh ekhon Bangali' (You are now a Bengali). She believes i have become one now that i can speak Bengali!
i love this place for having given me the few friends i have -M, SN, SM,SC, SS, ...Oh, i have only five friends!! Eeeeks.....And yes, him.
i went to New Market the other day. i have never gone there alone before. It has always been either with friends or him. i went searching for this shop called Elegant located near Globe. And it was no longer there. Empty space where it once stood. i felt sad. New Market is the kind of place where i can be guaranteed to get lost and never emerge - but then i have been known to get lost even in the office. i mean, you can enter from one side and emerge at another end from where you have no idea where the other end is. So i went in, came out from another end, dazed, lost...Went in again, came out at yet another unfamiliar end. In the end, i was able to emerge with my sanity intact, with almost a triumphant swagger!
Gariahat is almost the same. The footpaths still spills over bedsheets, t-shirts, shoes, bags, leggings and almost anything you can ask for. People still haggle.
One place i have not visited is my Alma Mater. It is but 5 minutes from where i stay but something stops me. Maybe i am scared of encountering ghosts from the past still roaming about the places i loved/love. So i just gaze at it from the car window and imagine nothing has changed inside - that the basketball court would still be stained with our footprints, that the jheel would still ripple with the sounds of our laughter....
But for whatever reason, Kolkata, ami tomake bhalobhasi.
Calcutta has changed - what with its swanky malls and numerous flyovers zigzagging everywhere. The geography has changed - i can no longer find familiar landmarks, shadowed as they are by newer landmarks i do not recognise. But there are places still untouched, still the same as i left them years ago. Like the 8B market. Still the same murghir stall, the same dada who recognises me after 5 years, who fondly complains that i no longer buy from him and says i have become too thin, who tells me 'abar aasben kintu, didi' (But you must come again). The same vegetable vendor who always ask me where i have been, who throws in a lebu extra.
And then i know why i love Calcutta. Because of the people. Them fish eating, adda loving people. Sometimes, i forget that i am an outsider. But like SN tells me 'Tumi toh ekhon Bangali' (You are now a Bengali). She believes i have become one now that i can speak Bengali!
i love this place for having given me the few friends i have -M, SN, SM,SC, SS, ...Oh, i have only five friends!! Eeeeks.....And yes, him.
i went to New Market the other day. i have never gone there alone before. It has always been either with friends or him. i went searching for this shop called Elegant located near Globe. And it was no longer there. Empty space where it once stood. i felt sad. New Market is the kind of place where i can be guaranteed to get lost and never emerge - but then i have been known to get lost even in the office. i mean, you can enter from one side and emerge at another end from where you have no idea where the other end is. So i went in, came out from another end, dazed, lost...Went in again, came out at yet another unfamiliar end. In the end, i was able to emerge with my sanity intact, with almost a triumphant swagger!
Gariahat is almost the same. The footpaths still spills over bedsheets, t-shirts, shoes, bags, leggings and almost anything you can ask for. People still haggle.
One place i have not visited is my Alma Mater. It is but 5 minutes from where i stay but something stops me. Maybe i am scared of encountering ghosts from the past still roaming about the places i loved/love. So i just gaze at it from the car window and imagine nothing has changed inside - that the basketball court would still be stained with our footprints, that the jheel would still ripple with the sounds of our laughter....
But for whatever reason, Kolkata, ami tomake bhalobhasi.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Missing....
She came today after i had finished sweeping and moping - i didn't think she would come because it was getting late. i thought she must have taken sick like she is wont to. One look and i knew something was wrong. She said her grandson is missing and that she had stayed up all night crying and they still don't know where he is. At the best of times, she is a confused female, scared of everything.
i told her crying was not going to do any good - i am so against tears these days - and gave her some money and told her to go and file a missing person report at the police station. She asked me whether the police would charge money - i told her they should not but i am not sure. She asked me to pray for her grandson to return - i, the non-believer, the cynic - and i told her everything would be OK as if i know what is going to happen tomorrow. She cried some more, i patted her gingerly on the shoulder and told her to go to her daughter.
And i thought how terrible it must be to have a loved one missing - the uncertainty of it all, every waking moment wondering where he is, whether he is OK.
And Ema said she thought people only go missing in Manipur. If it had been Imphal, i would have been doubtful of the outcome - here, i have some hope for her grandson. i only hope he is OK and that he would come home. To his family.
i told her crying was not going to do any good - i am so against tears these days - and gave her some money and told her to go and file a missing person report at the police station. She asked me whether the police would charge money - i told her they should not but i am not sure. She asked me to pray for her grandson to return - i, the non-believer, the cynic - and i told her everything would be OK as if i know what is going to happen tomorrow. She cried some more, i patted her gingerly on the shoulder and told her to go to her daughter.
And i thought how terrible it must be to have a loved one missing - the uncertainty of it all, every waking moment wondering where he is, whether he is OK.
And Ema said she thought people only go missing in Manipur. If it had been Imphal, i would have been doubtful of the outcome - here, i have some hope for her grandson. i only hope he is OK and that he would come home. To his family.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
this and that
Finally went to submit the visa application yesterday. Unlike the US visa, i did not have to put up with silly questions, just waited while a giggly female looked over the documents, took 200 bucks to keep me updated by SMS on the status and sent me off to get my biometrics done. Over in about 45 minutes.
Of course, finding the place was a bit tricky what with my non-existent geographical knowledge. i bravely tried to find the place in google maps, got confused even more if that was possible. But what is Kolkata without its kindhearted souls ever willing to guide lost damsels to obscure destinations?
Now have to wait till i get the visa stamped - if they don't reject it, that is. Got my ex-company to give me an offer to get my own visa so i would have to depend on his visa. They quoted a salary that was much higher than what i expected that for a moment i was flustered. Ummm....Thought i would not trust my ears and asked them to mail me the break-up of the components just to check i have heard them right. That was smart of me, eh? Like they keep telling you, get everything in writing.
There are many loose ends i need to tie up before i leave but as usual what do i do - nothing. And i will start rushing around at the last moment and get nothing done. i am so damn unreliable.
At times i don't want to leave but then i think of the good it would do for everyone -well, honey, money does matter. If it were not for the pounds, i will still be here. The things we do for money. The pain we buy for it. And in the end, it would not have been worth it. But still, i succumb....
Of course, finding the place was a bit tricky what with my non-existent geographical knowledge. i bravely tried to find the place in google maps, got confused even more if that was possible. But what is Kolkata without its kindhearted souls ever willing to guide lost damsels to obscure destinations?
Now have to wait till i get the visa stamped - if they don't reject it, that is. Got my ex-company to give me an offer to get my own visa so i would have to depend on his visa. They quoted a salary that was much higher than what i expected that for a moment i was flustered. Ummm....Thought i would not trust my ears and asked them to mail me the break-up of the components just to check i have heard them right. That was smart of me, eh? Like they keep telling you, get everything in writing.
There are many loose ends i need to tie up before i leave but as usual what do i do - nothing. And i will start rushing around at the last moment and get nothing done. i am so damn unreliable.
At times i don't want to leave but then i think of the good it would do for everyone -well, honey, money does matter. If it were not for the pounds, i will still be here. The things we do for money. The pain we buy for it. And in the end, it would not have been worth it. But still, i succumb....
Thursday, March 24, 2011
on why i don't drink...anything stronger than coffee that is...
.not because of religion as i am affiliated to none
..not because of society as i have broken almost all rules
...not because i am a good girl
....not because of health reasons
Maybe because i am too drunk on my own self to want to be intoxicated with anything else. Maybe because i hate to lose control. Maybe because i might end up skinny diving from the balcony into the cold river below..Or maybe just because i don't want to drink. Simple.
All of the above, however, is negated by my yet to be fulfilled desire to get stoned on LSD. Just once. Since the likelihood of my getting hold of LSD is as probable as say me getting the businesswoman of the year award, sigh, i will forever remain uncorrupted by spirits or drugs of the illicit kind. Such a pity. Mine was/is a nature that would have definitely lent itself well to being corrupted to the core. Very well, i have my lebu cha and orange juice to drown my sorrow in. If i were sorrow, i would like to drown in sweet, tangy citrus juice rather than piss-smelling wine. Chee, what stuff do i come up with? You go drink your glass of wine - red, white or whatever colour is in vogue while i go sleep before i start raining more drunk-sounding words.
..not because of society as i have broken almost all rules
...not because i am a good girl
....not because of health reasons
Maybe because i am too drunk on my own self to want to be intoxicated with anything else. Maybe because i hate to lose control. Maybe because i might end up skinny diving from the balcony into the cold river below..Or maybe just because i don't want to drink. Simple.
All of the above, however, is negated by my yet to be fulfilled desire to get stoned on LSD. Just once. Since the likelihood of my getting hold of LSD is as probable as say me getting the businesswoman of the year award, sigh, i will forever remain uncorrupted by spirits or drugs of the illicit kind. Such a pity. Mine was/is a nature that would have definitely lent itself well to being corrupted to the core. Very well, i have my lebu cha and orange juice to drown my sorrow in. If i were sorrow, i would like to drown in sweet, tangy citrus juice rather than piss-smelling wine. Chee, what stuff do i come up with? You go drink your glass of wine - red, white or whatever colour is in vogue while i go sleep before i start raining more drunk-sounding words.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The first step...
....Come April, i am going to take a hiatus from my job for two months. Just want and need a break. And maybe to explore the candle business idea a wee bit. i know my candles will sell - my over-confidence sometimes grates but bear with me.
Of course, it will pinch me giving up such a well paying job where i do not have to exercise my grey cells that much or slog. But money is not everything or so i tell myself. And if i could make this a success, i would be doing something i absolutely love and getting paid for it. What more could i ask for? well, more books?
As a first step, what do i do but get my pranner bondhu SM to present me two books on candle-making. He owes me my birthday gift from last year; till now i have not been able to think of anything i want - but when this idea germinated, i thought i would call in belated gifts! i know i am so shameless but who wants to be bashful when you can be shameless? The kind soul he is, he has bought those books. i can't wait to get them.
Now i need moulds and wax and dyes and scents and wicks and sealant and what-nots. i am actually getting a bit excited about this. OK, a lot excited.
You know, when i go shopping and i see candles selling i always think 'hell, i could make much better candles'. Maybe now, it is time to see how well i fare. Even if i fail, well, at least i would have tried to live one dream.
To the gypsy who wanted to be a chandler...may her candles sell!
Of course, it will pinch me giving up such a well paying job where i do not have to exercise my grey cells that much or slog. But money is not everything or so i tell myself. And if i could make this a success, i would be doing something i absolutely love and getting paid for it. What more could i ask for? well, more books?
As a first step, what do i do but get my pranner bondhu SM to present me two books on candle-making. He owes me my birthday gift from last year; till now i have not been able to think of anything i want - but when this idea germinated, i thought i would call in belated gifts! i know i am so shameless but who wants to be bashful when you can be shameless? The kind soul he is, he has bought those books. i can't wait to get them.
Now i need moulds and wax and dyes and scents and wicks and sealant and what-nots. i am actually getting a bit excited about this. OK, a lot excited.
You know, when i go shopping and i see candles selling i always think 'hell, i could make much better candles'. Maybe now, it is time to see how well i fare. Even if i fail, well, at least i would have tried to live one dream.
To the gypsy who wanted to be a chandler...may her candles sell!
a house for the gypsy...
When i first came to Calcutta, i found it stiffling. It was not just the heat and humidity but the apartments. Having always stayed in a big house with a huge courtyard and garden, i found the lack of space suffocating. That and the fact that all the doors were always closed! i can remember only one or two incidents when our house at Imphal was padlocked - otherwise the doors were open till we went off to sleep.
Of course, i cannot afford a house here - i would have to sell myself and all my sisters and cousins too. A flat, yes. A house complete with garden, no. Maybe if we buy a plot and construct our own house, maybe.
In the land of the gloomy weather, the two apartments that we have stayed in have been livable because of the french windows which give a sense of space. The one that we rent right now overlooks a river and it is refreshing view. Sometimes if i am lucky i can even see the swans with their cygnets.
i have had enough of living in apartments. i want to move to a house. But most of them seem to have tiny rooms and though the thought of a garden is tempting, i would hate to live in rooms where you would bump the wall if you so move to scratch your bums.
He hates the fact that i want everything - a house with big rooms AND garden AND en-suite AND within our meagre budget. ummm...
Maybe what i need is a caravan parked under the skies. Or maybe a reality pill. Or maybe just a house....
Of course, i cannot afford a house here - i would have to sell myself and all my sisters and cousins too. A flat, yes. A house complete with garden, no. Maybe if we buy a plot and construct our own house, maybe.
In the land of the gloomy weather, the two apartments that we have stayed in have been livable because of the french windows which give a sense of space. The one that we rent right now overlooks a river and it is refreshing view. Sometimes if i am lucky i can even see the swans with their cygnets.
i have had enough of living in apartments. i want to move to a house. But most of them seem to have tiny rooms and though the thought of a garden is tempting, i would hate to live in rooms where you would bump the wall if you so move to scratch your bums.
He hates the fact that i want everything - a house with big rooms AND garden AND en-suite AND within our meagre budget. ummm...
Maybe what i need is a caravan parked under the skies. Or maybe a reality pill. Or maybe just a house....
Sunday, March 20, 2011
on a sunday evening, thus my thoughts flow....
Drop by drop, life bleeds. i gather the drops in broken fragments of dreams where they breed the flies of discontent which feed on wounds i inflict on myself. Oozing pus of more discontent.
Stitch by stitch, life unravels. i pick up the threads and try to mend the holes of relations - of heart and blood.
One by one, death snuffs out loved ones. First the brother. Then the father. And you pray that you would never have to see another loved one lying on a bed, unaware of the passing of day or coming of night.
Post by post, i blog. Inane thoughts and laments of a wounded soul.
Stitch by stitch, life unravels. i pick up the threads and try to mend the holes of relations - of heart and blood.
One by one, death snuffs out loved ones. First the brother. Then the father. And you pray that you would never have to see another loved one lying on a bed, unaware of the passing of day or coming of night.
Post by post, i blog. Inane thoughts and laments of a wounded soul.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Envy....
For someone so smart, you would think i would not envy anyone. But these days, i seem to envy everyone...i hear about this woman from our locality who left her abusive husband and i envy her guts..i see someone wearing something that does not suit her and i envy her confidence...i see people volunteering in disaster zones and i envy their courage..i see people starting their own business from scratch and i envy their pluck...i watch ants scurrying and i envy their thoughtless existence....i look at birds flying and i envy their freedom....
There is something beginning to go wrong with me. It is this seed of discontent that has sprouted. Maybe it is the realisation that life is too short, too unpredictable. And i seem caught in this web of ennui from which i cannot escape. And so i sink deeper, letting envy bite its fangs into flesh already weakened by the ravages of the demons and the dark thoughts that i unwillingly give shelter to in some corner of my mind. i envy everyone....their unthinking, unquestioning enjoyment of life..the way they find happiness in solitaire and Prada bags and designer clothes and shoes...
And i am a snob who would not deign to find pleasures in material things, who would shift through thoughtless thoughts and try to find meanings in things that have no meanings, who will dissect emotions till all that is left behind is tatters of relations gone sour because you poked too deep, who thinks herself a queen when all she is is just a nameless slut who peddles her mind to people who can pay her in pounds while she blogs and eats jalebis, in that order...
Do you think too - about life? Do you wonder too what this is all about - these faceless days and nights and us sliding from one to the next? Do you fret whether this slogging for money and name and fame or whatever it is that we slog for is worth it in the end? Do you realise too the futility of our existence? Do you lay awake too, alone with the moon for company, begging for the answers to life's questions? Do you read your old diaries and think of the past like it happened to someone else?
Or do you just live? Without questions? Without seeking answers? see, i envy you....
There is something beginning to go wrong with me. It is this seed of discontent that has sprouted. Maybe it is the realisation that life is too short, too unpredictable. And i seem caught in this web of ennui from which i cannot escape. And so i sink deeper, letting envy bite its fangs into flesh already weakened by the ravages of the demons and the dark thoughts that i unwillingly give shelter to in some corner of my mind. i envy everyone....their unthinking, unquestioning enjoyment of life..the way they find happiness in solitaire and Prada bags and designer clothes and shoes...
And i am a snob who would not deign to find pleasures in material things, who would shift through thoughtless thoughts and try to find meanings in things that have no meanings, who will dissect emotions till all that is left behind is tatters of relations gone sour because you poked too deep, who thinks herself a queen when all she is is just a nameless slut who peddles her mind to people who can pay her in pounds while she blogs and eats jalebis, in that order...
Do you think too - about life? Do you wonder too what this is all about - these faceless days and nights and us sliding from one to the next? Do you fret whether this slogging for money and name and fame or whatever it is that we slog for is worth it in the end? Do you realise too the futility of our existence? Do you lay awake too, alone with the moon for company, begging for the answers to life's questions? Do you read your old diaries and think of the past like it happened to someone else?
Or do you just live? Without questions? Without seeking answers? see, i envy you....
Thursday, March 17, 2011
love and other such inane stuffs
Sometimes, I think ..yes, please don't smirk, I can think. I think love is so over-rated. And sometimes i think I don't know what love really means. Is it the passion driven, lust stained, fight-infested thing I share with him? Am i capable of caring for anyone other than myself? Sometimes I think I lay too great an emphasis on my desires, my feelings that I come across as heartless and at times, I think what is life if it has not to do with me. I go void of all emotions at times - when I think 'to hell with everything, even me'...these days they prey on me more - my demons. And even sleep, my ally, seems to desert me. I hate the feeling of laying awake trying to lull my senses to sleep, of trying not to think of things that should not be thought of.
I could do with some LSD tablets. That or a whack on my head.
I thought I would take up candlemaking again after a hiatus of nearly 4 years. I wish I could start a small candle shop somewhere quiet, at the corner of a cobbled street, with bells on the door that will tinkle when someone walks in, I would serve tea to them and we would gossip about the weather...I will make candles in all colours of the rainbow and smelling of green apple and jasmine and rainforest and the rain..I will have quaint rugs on the floor, wispy curtains shielding the windows. I will paint the walls red and black ...I will have pictures on the wall- the one painting I fell in love with of a rain soaked street of Calcutta, the painting I never bought but I will find it one day..on rainy days, I will sit by the window with a book and watch raindrops play sliding games on the window panes..I will sip hot tea and though the tills would be almost empty and i would have to count my changes and think twice before I buy myself a book, I think i will be happy.
I could do with some LSD tablets. That or a whack on my head.
I thought I would take up candlemaking again after a hiatus of nearly 4 years. I wish I could start a small candle shop somewhere quiet, at the corner of a cobbled street, with bells on the door that will tinkle when someone walks in, I would serve tea to them and we would gossip about the weather...I will make candles in all colours of the rainbow and smelling of green apple and jasmine and rainforest and the rain..I will have quaint rugs on the floor, wispy curtains shielding the windows. I will paint the walls red and black ...I will have pictures on the wall- the one painting I fell in love with of a rain soaked street of Calcutta, the painting I never bought but I will find it one day..on rainy days, I will sit by the window with a book and watch raindrops play sliding games on the window panes..I will sip hot tea and though the tills would be almost empty and i would have to count my changes and think twice before I buy myself a book, I think i will be happy.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Imphal, nungshibi Imphal
Traffic lights and traffic jam - red, green and yellow lights; still functional and traffic jam on a road I have never seen crowded...this is what welcomed me to Imphal this time ...and the cold...and the darkness once the sun sets.At first I had decided I would not linger, that I would go back once the ceremonies were over. But i stayed back for another 10 days or so.
Yes, the power situation makes me want to holler- load shedding every other day or rather hour. And even on the day the much awaited electricity is supposed to make her rare visits, she ditches you. My mother and sister says almost defensively, phase sudabane, meidi lak-esidi...(apparently the voltage is so low that all it can light up is maybe a zero wattage bulb). And for the first time in my life I see water being supplied from the reservoir - miracles would never cease - so no more lugging heavy pump to the river to get our much needed h2o..yes, I am not talking about some far flung village in Manipur but right in the heart of Imphal...and nobody complains...they buy inverters, generators, even buy water. People seem to accept this as a way of life. I want to shake them and tell them they should not accept everything so quietly, that they should protest like only we manipuris can protest - JACs and sit-in-protests, rallies and hunger strikes where people on full stomachs gossip...
But, when I look up at the blue sky, I think I have not seen a bluer one...at night when I look up and see the sky studded with stars, I think I have never seen as many stars as I see here..in the lazy afternoons, when I hear the silence, it pierces my heart with its loudness. And you want to cry and ask whoever is responsible for the mess my motherland is in - why have you spoiled her so we can no longer dream of coming back for good, can never think of bringing our children here to grow up like we did...
From the window of the plane, I bid my adieu not knowing when I will be back...
Yes, the power situation makes me want to holler- load shedding every other day or rather hour. And even on the day the much awaited electricity is supposed to make her rare visits, she ditches you. My mother and sister says almost defensively, phase sudabane, meidi lak-esidi...(apparently the voltage is so low that all it can light up is maybe a zero wattage bulb). And for the first time in my life I see water being supplied from the reservoir - miracles would never cease - so no more lugging heavy pump to the river to get our much needed h2o..yes, I am not talking about some far flung village in Manipur but right in the heart of Imphal...and nobody complains...they buy inverters, generators, even buy water. People seem to accept this as a way of life. I want to shake them and tell them they should not accept everything so quietly, that they should protest like only we manipuris can protest - JACs and sit-in-protests, rallies and hunger strikes where people on full stomachs gossip...
But, when I look up at the blue sky, I think I have not seen a bluer one...at night when I look up and see the sky studded with stars, I think I have never seen as many stars as I see here..in the lazy afternoons, when I hear the silence, it pierces my heart with its loudness. And you want to cry and ask whoever is responsible for the mess my motherland is in - why have you spoiled her so we can no longer dream of coming back for good, can never think of bringing our children here to grow up like we did...
From the window of the plane, I bid my adieu not knowing when I will be back...
Sunday, March 06, 2011
there she blows...
Life limps back to normalcy - almost. i try not to think about him, i console myself that he is in a better place...It has not been even a month...i think we tend to forget because it is so much easier than to remember....what wisdom from so unwise a soul???
i did not get the job i coveted. Just like the fox and the sour grapes, i begin to think maybe it was for the better, i don't know whether i want to shift base this soon...maybe someday, Singapore, you will have to welcome me..For now, i will have to be contend with the fickle english weather...but before that, i get to spend some more days in my favourite city - Calcutta. It is my second home - crowded, dirty, polluted but still lovable - maybe it reminds me of myself - so many warts but still loved by those i want to be loved by...
i get tired of the many times i have been told i speak such good Bengali. My sister actually snarls when she hears it - i think she may be jealous! i used to get flattered and if i were honest, i still do get flattered but sometimes it grates. Yes, i am ungracious too.
i honestly want to give up my job. i am so done with analysing and whatever else i am supposed to do. Yes, it boosts my ego that i am missed when i am not around but i want to break free. If only i had enough sense to have married an old millionaire...Money, i work only for money. i am a mental prostitute. i think life is too short to be working for money but money makes the world go around and so, i hawk my brains for a living...since the mind is considered more precious and sacred than the body, isn't selling your body less morally wrong than selling your mind? Yes, i am going mad.
i actually ate 5 jalebis yesterday and i got a stomach ache for the trouble. i am a glutton and i weigh only 45 kgs now....what is the connection??
i have been reading them silly romance novels and shedding tears. i am ashamed. No, i am not. i love my cheap thrills and Mills&Boon i thrive on these days. i do not want to read any thought provoking novels just now...i just want to gobble up stupid stories of incredibly sexy macho man and impossibly beautiful damsel falling in lust and love and doing all such things that they are supposed to do to make stars explode and waves crash. ummm, maybe i am with the wrong man because i have never experienced such galactic and oceanic impact.....food for thought...definitely.
i coloured my hair again - mahogany or something...i will do cherry black next....i want my hair to fall off and become bald....anything for a change...would i look cute? or maybe horrible...colouring my hair is the only adventurous thing i can do with my looks. i want a tattoo but i don't have the guts...i could go for a gothic look but since i hate using make-up, it would be incomplete. How would he react if i went to the airport to receive him wearing a mini-skirt and full blown make-up? And maybe stilettos? Would he disown me? But he does not own me to disown me....What am i writing? i think i should think before i write...But would you get to read such inanely sweet words if i censored my thoughts? Oh god, please silence this woman...
i did not get the job i coveted. Just like the fox and the sour grapes, i begin to think maybe it was for the better, i don't know whether i want to shift base this soon...maybe someday, Singapore, you will have to welcome me..For now, i will have to be contend with the fickle english weather...but before that, i get to spend some more days in my favourite city - Calcutta. It is my second home - crowded, dirty, polluted but still lovable - maybe it reminds me of myself - so many warts but still loved by those i want to be loved by...
i get tired of the many times i have been told i speak such good Bengali. My sister actually snarls when she hears it - i think she may be jealous! i used to get flattered and if i were honest, i still do get flattered but sometimes it grates. Yes, i am ungracious too.
i honestly want to give up my job. i am so done with analysing and whatever else i am supposed to do. Yes, it boosts my ego that i am missed when i am not around but i want to break free. If only i had enough sense to have married an old millionaire...Money, i work only for money. i am a mental prostitute. i think life is too short to be working for money but money makes the world go around and so, i hawk my brains for a living...since the mind is considered more precious and sacred than the body, isn't selling your body less morally wrong than selling your mind? Yes, i am going mad.
i actually ate 5 jalebis yesterday and i got a stomach ache for the trouble. i am a glutton and i weigh only 45 kgs now....what is the connection??
i have been reading them silly romance novels and shedding tears. i am ashamed. No, i am not. i love my cheap thrills and Mills&Boon i thrive on these days. i do not want to read any thought provoking novels just now...i just want to gobble up stupid stories of incredibly sexy macho man and impossibly beautiful damsel falling in lust and love and doing all such things that they are supposed to do to make stars explode and waves crash. ummm, maybe i am with the wrong man because i have never experienced such galactic and oceanic impact.....food for thought...definitely.
i coloured my hair again - mahogany or something...i will do cherry black next....i want my hair to fall off and become bald....anything for a change...would i look cute? or maybe horrible...colouring my hair is the only adventurous thing i can do with my looks. i want a tattoo but i don't have the guts...i could go for a gothic look but since i hate using make-up, it would be incomplete. How would he react if i went to the airport to receive him wearing a mini-skirt and full blown make-up? And maybe stilettos? Would he disown me? But he does not own me to disown me....What am i writing? i think i should think before i write...But would you get to read such inanely sweet words if i censored my thoughts? Oh god, please silence this woman...
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Back
I am back from Imphal after all the ceremonies. How fickle is the human mind ... although it still hurts, life continues even when such an important part of my life is gone ...you begin to realize how dispensable you are...Life will continue even when you are gone.
Maybe because I so wanted my father to have some relief from all his pain, his end was something I had wished for- does it sound so cruel?But when you see someone you love tossing and turning ,
in so much pain, stripped of his dignity to perform the daily rites we perform so thoughtlessly and easily you begin to wonder whether it is not cruel to wish him to stay on just so you do not want to lose your father. It was so tough to see the man always so enjoying life unable to even eat and wasting away slowly before your eyes. You begin to wish for his miseries to end, for him to sleep peacefully, to be in a better place.
At least, I got to hold his hands and tell him I love him, that he need not worry about my other
and my sisters and that I would always take care of them till I die..,
I am returning back to normal life but when I see his smiling face in the photos, a pain gnaws at my heart...my father, a man who stood by his principles even when he was alone on one side ith the world on another side, a man who taught me by exampe to have the guts to stick to what you feel is right...he did not live in vain.....
Baba, I miss you..I miss how you always provoked me just because you found it so endearing when i get angry and start grumbling, I miss how you always pampered me, how you used to be so proud of me and showed me off to your friends - how I hated it then but now, I wish you would call out my name..how you always find something for me to buy for you at the last moment....your childlike demands...
Oh baba, I love you....
Maybe because I so wanted my father to have some relief from all his pain, his end was something I had wished for- does it sound so cruel?But when you see someone you love tossing and turning ,
in so much pain, stripped of his dignity to perform the daily rites we perform so thoughtlessly and easily you begin to wonder whether it is not cruel to wish him to stay on just so you do not want to lose your father. It was so tough to see the man always so enjoying life unable to even eat and wasting away slowly before your eyes. You begin to wish for his miseries to end, for him to sleep peacefully, to be in a better place.
At least, I got to hold his hands and tell him I love him, that he need not worry about my other
and my sisters and that I would always take care of them till I die..,
I am returning back to normal life but when I see his smiling face in the photos, a pain gnaws at my heart...my father, a man who stood by his principles even when he was alone on one side ith the world on another side, a man who taught me by exampe to have the guts to stick to what you feel is right...he did not live in vain.....
Baba, I miss you..I miss how you always provoked me just because you found it so endearing when i get angry and start grumbling, I miss how you always pampered me, how you used to be so proud of me and showed me off to your friends - how I hated it then but now, I wish you would call out my name..how you always find something for me to buy for you at the last moment....your childlike demands...
Oh baba, I love you....
Sunday, February 06, 2011
baba....
Baba, i love you and i know you are in a better place without the pain to rob you of sleep. i hope i have the strength to take away Ema's and my sisters' pain. Baba, goodbye. i have not been the best of daughters but i have loved you in my own ways....
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
....
....i rescued a bag of books from his evil clutches. i found a bag of books on the balcony of his (our) place. i knew he had kept those books there because they were all lying unread, untidy. i think he meant to throw them away - i could almost hate him for that - but i guess better sense prevailed and he dumped them there.
It had been lying there for ages. Of course, i knew the bag contained books but i thought they must be the read-once thriller books bought second hand from the library.
Since i have the book case now, when i visited his/our place, i opened the bag and horror of horrors, what do i see but all my precious first-hand books i bought from the boi mela- some of them still untouched. And to think he was thinking of throwing them away. i lovingly dusted them and dragged them all the way to my place where they now reside peacefully.
i am thinking of dumping his Bose sound system on the balcony.
It had been lying there for ages. Of course, i knew the bag contained books but i thought they must be the read-once thriller books bought second hand from the library.
Since i have the book case now, when i visited his/our place, i opened the bag and horror of horrors, what do i see but all my precious first-hand books i bought from the boi mela- some of them still untouched. And to think he was thinking of throwing them away. i lovingly dusted them and dragged them all the way to my place where they now reside peacefully.
i am thinking of dumping his Bose sound system on the balcony.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
incoherent ramblings..
i find it most amusing that i think some of my deepest thoughts in the loo and when i am in a bus/taxi/car by myself. The loo, ah, isn't it lucky for my thoughts that i am a constipated soul - now, what does that mean?
i like long rides - in fact sometimes i just wish life was just one long bus ride where i could sit back, doze and think, dream, look out the window and stare at people wondering what their lives are like. i think i am a voyeur...
i am re-reading some of the books - it feels a bit like renewing old friendships..The boi mela starts next week..i would love to buy more books. Ema looked at all the books in the book case and said something to the tune that there were too many books and wondered why when i would not have the time to read them ---i was offended and told her i have read every one of them.
He thinks all my silly ideals arise from the books i read. Maybe he thinks i would have been more human if i read less...everyone seems to think i am too different...
i have a craving for swans - i know, they are such beautiful creatures and who but the wicked would even think of eating them...i remember the wild ducks that used to swim in the lagoon and how i used to tell SM that we should ducknap one for the wok...i am such a heartless glutton...no feelings for the other living creatures...
i feel the need for a career change - maybe it is midlife crisis or something like that..i know i do what i am expected to do very well but i am getting bored of it...There used to be a time when at least i was motivated because i had the kids at work to nag...i think i want to open a candle shop...or maybe a roadside dhaba...or maybe a paan dukaan but i hate paan...or maybe i should become a homemaker - i will make a poor one at that..i have neither the skills nor the patience.
My sister installed solar panels back home at Imphal so now she says there is light everyday...that is like a luxury back home...How sick is that something essential like that is a luxury for some in this age?? And that everyone accepts it as a way of life...
Yesterday was Emoinu - it is a Manipuri festival worshipping Emoinu - i don't know whether she is the goddess of the kitchen or something else. Even though i do not believe in anything that says 'worship', i bought sweets and flowers for Ema so she could at least feel happy..and maybe because i wanted to eat sweets...glutton...
Life drags on...the same day, the same night...with some variations thrown in...Is this what it is all about? There has to be more to it...now, if only i can find out what....
i like long rides - in fact sometimes i just wish life was just one long bus ride where i could sit back, doze and think, dream, look out the window and stare at people wondering what their lives are like. i think i am a voyeur...
i am re-reading some of the books - it feels a bit like renewing old friendships..The boi mela starts next week..i would love to buy more books. Ema looked at all the books in the book case and said something to the tune that there were too many books and wondered why when i would not have the time to read them ---i was offended and told her i have read every one of them.
He thinks all my silly ideals arise from the books i read. Maybe he thinks i would have been more human if i read less...everyone seems to think i am too different...
i have a craving for swans - i know, they are such beautiful creatures and who but the wicked would even think of eating them...i remember the wild ducks that used to swim in the lagoon and how i used to tell SM that we should ducknap one for the wok...i am such a heartless glutton...no feelings for the other living creatures...
i feel the need for a career change - maybe it is midlife crisis or something like that..i know i do what i am expected to do very well but i am getting bored of it...There used to be a time when at least i was motivated because i had the kids at work to nag...i think i want to open a candle shop...or maybe a roadside dhaba...or maybe a paan dukaan but i hate paan...or maybe i should become a homemaker - i will make a poor one at that..i have neither the skills nor the patience.
My sister installed solar panels back home at Imphal so now she says there is light everyday...that is like a luxury back home...How sick is that something essential like that is a luxury for some in this age?? And that everyone accepts it as a way of life...
Yesterday was Emoinu - it is a Manipuri festival worshipping Emoinu - i don't know whether she is the goddess of the kitchen or something else. Even though i do not believe in anything that says 'worship', i bought sweets and flowers for Ema so she could at least feel happy..and maybe because i wanted to eat sweets...glutton...
Life drags on...the same day, the same night...with some variations thrown in...Is this what it is all about? There has to be more to it...now, if only i can find out what....
Monday, January 17, 2011
Memories calling.....
Got out all my books from their dumping ground - under the bed, in the loft, unread, unloved for long...dusted them, and arranged them in the new bookcase- with my sister and my little elf helping out. OK, my sister did most of the work while i looked at the books trying to remember...
i have so many books - old ones almost falling apart which i bought from
second hand because i was not able to afford new ones, shiny,new ones that i bought after i started earning enough to indulge myself, books gifted by
loved ones...
Along with the books emerged some photos from old days - i looked at the pictures and thought how pretty i looked in some (yes, i am immodest and delusional) - still fresh, yet to face the many demons slumbering inside me..And i remembered the places i have been to, the people in the photos - some lost, some still there in my life...Alas, people cannot be captured in your heart like memories...they drift away, they die, they desert you...you desert some...
And suddenly, i missed the places i never thought i would miss -like CA...i was always counting the days to go back when i was there but now that i know i will never go back again, i miss it...i miss the walk by the lagoon..i miss the Flea market, i miss the Dosa shop at Sunnyvale, i miss the kubide from Rose Market, the pork chops from that place whose name i don't remember....
Isn't life funny? You never treasure the moment till it slips away from you and become a memory....Why can i never learn to live ???
i have so many books - old ones almost falling apart which i bought from
second hand because i was not able to afford new ones, shiny,new ones that i bought after i started earning enough to indulge myself, books gifted by
loved ones...
Along with the books emerged some photos from old days - i looked at the pictures and thought how pretty i looked in some (yes, i am immodest and delusional) - still fresh, yet to face the many demons slumbering inside me..And i remembered the places i have been to, the people in the photos - some lost, some still there in my life...Alas, people cannot be captured in your heart like memories...they drift away, they die, they desert you...you desert some...
And suddenly, i missed the places i never thought i would miss -like CA...i was always counting the days to go back when i was there but now that i know i will never go back again, i miss it...i miss the walk by the lagoon..i miss the Flea market, i miss the Dosa shop at Sunnyvale, i miss the kubide from Rose Market, the pork chops from that place whose name i don't remember....
Isn't life funny? You never treasure the moment till it slips away from you and become a memory....Why can i never learn to live ???
Thursday, January 13, 2011
life is the same....
...in the new year. You begin to wonder why we even wish other new Year - how would changing the year from 2010 to 2011 make any difference to anyone? Would it mean less pain for those who suffer? No. Life will remain the same even if the calendar changes.
Met SM after god knows how many years - and that too for less than an hour. He was here just for a couple of days. With close friends, it does not matter whether you have not met for ages - you always feel like it was only yesterday that you parted.
And i gave away three bags of clothes to the maid. Some of them never worn even once. But kept some old ones for memories' sake - like the Lee tshirt he got for me when we started going around, the shirts i painted, his old t-shirt that i snitched from him, sweaters Ema knitted for me with leftover wool....
Still have not got around to dyeing my hair. Maybe i should just let the gray hair be - i would look more mature, eh?
Got a new bookcase so i can dump all my books there. Cannot remember the last time i bought a book. i am trying to finish reading the ones i bought earlier and neglected to read.
Winter is here - i must be growing old because i can feel the chill in my bones and i run around the house checking to see if any window is open. It must be worse in Imphal. Hell, i would refuse to budge from under the blanket if i was there and cosy up to the water bottle.
Met SM after god knows how many years - and that too for less than an hour. He was here just for a couple of days. With close friends, it does not matter whether you have not met for ages - you always feel like it was only yesterday that you parted.
And i gave away three bags of clothes to the maid. Some of them never worn even once. But kept some old ones for memories' sake - like the Lee tshirt he got for me when we started going around, the shirts i painted, his old t-shirt that i snitched from him, sweaters Ema knitted for me with leftover wool....
Still have not got around to dyeing my hair. Maybe i should just let the gray hair be - i would look more mature, eh?
Got a new bookcase so i can dump all my books there. Cannot remember the last time i bought a book. i am trying to finish reading the ones i bought earlier and neglected to read.
Winter is here - i must be growing old because i can feel the chill in my bones and i run around the house checking to see if any window is open. It must be worse in Imphal. Hell, i would refuse to budge from under the blanket if i was there and cosy up to the water bottle.
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