It is what it is

When a heart breaks, is it the end of the world? When your world shatters without prior notice (as if the universe would care enough to warn you), do you give yourself time to curl up and marinate in your tears or do you shrug off the pain and crawl forward?

I have been gobbling articles on stoicism - like a drowning person clutching at something to keep afloat. The philosophy resonates with me - the beauty of knowing that there are some things beyond our control and what we can control is how we react to those things. It hurts but it is what it is. The world still goes on, i still need to pee (what??), still need to eat…

Understanding that nothing is permanent in life, that all things good or bad will come to an end, this pain i am struggling with right now will fade into a dull ache and then into nothingness. 

I am also struggling with my lack of anger…would it have helped if i was angry at him? Would the fire of anger burn the pain - just like you would burn down the stubble before you plant again? Or have i realised the truth that it just is not worth it. I cannot control what someone says or does. I can only control what i can do or not do.

It is difficult coming to terms with the end of something that i thought was for keeps. Maybe that is the mistake we all make - of thinking that things/relationships are permanent. What is here today might be gone tomorrow. 

Sometimes, this calm inside me scares me because this is not how i thought i would have reacted if someone pulled the rug from under my feet. I keep thinking -am i in shock, when would the reactions kick in, when would the bitterness seep in, when would anger raise its head and sting me. 

Am i hurt? Oh yes…Does it pain? Oh, it does. But inside me, i know i will heal, that i will forgive him and myself and move on to do the things i was meant to do…

I don’t know if i am making any sense, even to myself. Right now, i just wish to close my eyes, open them and find i am sitting there under the skies on the dunes of the Sahara, drinking in the beauty of the stars, preferably all alone. 

They say the best revenge is living well. But revenge has such a negative connotation. Why would i want to avenge myself? But yes, i want to be able to live well. I want to be wise enough to use this as a learning and become a better person. God knows i have made mistakes galore and maybe what happened is the manifestation of all the mistakes i/we made. But i want to be able to forgive myself for all the times i have hurt him, i want to be able to forgive him for all the times i let him hurt me.