no to long hair---and clothes!

Taking half-day off from office. i plan to go get a hair cut . i have had enough of trying to "grow" my hair. Long hair just don't work for me. i want to have a crew cut or something -maybe later when i am ready to denounce this world and become a sanyasi.

i am going to revamp my wardrobe as well - this is something i seem to never get around to. i am going to donate all my clothes and romp naked. chee chee...

quotes

Quotes ripped from here and there
I ran into my ex the other day...
put in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN!!

What's better?
A lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear?

If Two Past Lovers Can remain friends its
Either They Were Never in Love or They still are

Finding a good man is like picking wild roses, You have to watch out for the pricks.

mela rey mela

On Sunday, my sister and i went to the Handicrafts mela – this is one of my favourite and i make it a point to visit it every year. This year i dragged my sister along – she is forever complaining that it is dusty and too hot to go out but my will prevailed. This year, it was much better than last year – better organized and more stalls than before.

We had a nice time – we bought artificial flowers, bamboo flower vases, those big decorative earthen vases (which i absolutely love) and other knick knacks. It is great to get all these absolutely lovely things in one place. And at reasonable price.

Saturday saw us trying to get his old desktop repaired. It had been gathering dust under the bed. So we took it to Chandni – we thought it was just the motherboard that needed to be changed. In the end, we ended up changing everything apart from the hard disk and DVD drive. And we also bought a 17 inches LG flatron screen. We are going to be surrounded by sleek machines and maybe they will overtake our lives and we will be reduced to zombies (whatever made me write this???).

the bridges of madison county

For the first time maybe i liked the movie adaptation better than the book. i remember watching the film at Nandan and i loved the film. Of course, i thought Francesca should have left with her lover - now, i think i understand why she did not leave her husband
and children – oh, the curse of maturity.

The book is by Robert James Waller. i picked it up at a second hand shop on saturday when we went shopping. i cannot pass an old book shop without feeling a tug at whatever portion of my brain that is so obsessed with books. i was actually looking for old M&B (ha ha) and i found it tucked away between M&B. So i bought it along with "The French Lieutenant's Woman". i have not watched the movie. i think i will read the book first and then decide whether the movie is worth it. Interestingly, the screen adaptation of the two books i picked up stars Meryl Streep.

The book is thin – too thin for my liking…i love thick books..the thicker the better. i found the book OK. Till now, i was under the illusion that it was based on a true story. Was saddened and maybe a wee bit relieved to know it is pure fiction. Relieved because i don’t like people in love having to part. What i didn’t like about the book was how she kept on harping that the guy was out of this world, an alien sort of, leopard like, half man-half animal who never tired of loving (Viagra?). It made me feel as if the guy was unreal. i don’t approve of adultery. Call me old fashioned but it just does not strike me as right. i have always believed in closing a chapter before starting another one instead flipping between chapters.


I'm not sure you can [be yourself] with me along. Don't you see, I love you so much that I cannot think of restraining you for a moment. To do that would be to kill the wild, magnificent animal that is you.. I have feelings of responsibility here.. To Richard (her husband), to the children. Just my leaving, taking away my physical presence, would be hard enough for Richard. That alone might destroy him. On top of that, and this is even worse, he would have to live the rest of his life with the whispers of the people here.. the children would hear the snickering of Winterset for as long as they live here. They would suffer, too. And they would hate me for it.. I cannot live with the thought of [abandoning my responsibilities]. If I did leave now, those thoughts would turn me into something other than the woman you have come to love.
---The bridges of Madison County

new tool = hair loss

i had a harrowing time at work trying to check out a program through the new tool. i hate this new tool- i was the last person in the project to install it. i had to be goaded, nagged, cajoled to do it. The old tool was working fine enough. So i cannot understand why they had to get this new one. Oh yes, new features and all that! But i hate it, i hate it. It had me literally tearing out my hair today much to the amusement of everyone who told me the tool was teasing me because it knows how much i loathe it. i swear to resign if it teases me any further.

His laptop might revive after all. It only needs a FL inverter. Now the fun thing is the service center said the part has to be procured from where i bought the laptop - so i have to get S to buy it from me from US and send it through someone. Oh hell, serves us right for not going for desi maal.

death of a laptop

His laptop died so this budding web designer is wilting! i was having quite a fun time absorbing the new skill (makes me sound like a sponge!). The poor guy – he was cradling his laptop like it was his baby. Now this would be his excuse to buy a new laptop – he has been talking about buying a new one but i always rain on his parade by telling him one laptop is good enough.

Now, if you ask me, i would not buy any laptop if it is not the Mac - which i cannot afford. It was love at first sight and i plan to stay loyal to this unrequited love! He talks about bringing his desktop from home too. i am going to lose my man to machines. Good. And he is going to lose me to books. Books Vs machines.

too young??

A few weeks ago, my sister informed me that one of my cousins was getting married. She is not even out of her teens which make me ponder on the trend of marrying so young back home. The last time i was home, one of my neighbor’s daughter who is in class 11 got married. i was aghast. i have seen so many of the kids back home marrying while they are in their teens – they fall in love, elope, get married and get saddled with kids while still in their teens.

i found the concept of eloping very romantic when i was a kid, but not anymore. i am all for people marrying for love – in fact i cannot think of any other reason to marry except for love. But when you see the kids, who are not mature enough to take a decision of their own begetting kid, you feel sorry for them. OK, it is their lives, if they want to get married while in their cribs why should i spill my spleen over it? But i find it depressing. Do they even know what they are getting into – it might seem all cream and roses when you think about spending your life with that special someone. But throw in the spices of domestic life and you have your love life taking wings and flying out of the first open window! i wish these kids could have experienced more of life because starting a family is a big responsibility to shoulder.

But then, to each his own.

skill and lunch

We are both trying to update our technical skills – my technical skills are restricted to the application i work on. i am trying to learn PHP which is totally a different world from the one i work in right now. And i am finding it fun – i completed 4 chapters yesterday. And unless i run out of steam or enthu, i hope to master it.

We went out for lunch today. S’ long distance treat. We went to this place called caught n bowled – a bit on the expensive side but when the guy is earning in dollars, what the heck. The food was really good – the kabab was delicious and the briyani was one of the best i have had. We really stuffed ourselves like pigs. And now, i feel like an overstuffed piglet ready to be slaughtered and fed to the dogs – whatever that is supposed to mean.

Peace reigns right now in my life – for how long i don’t know. Sometimes i am wary of this closeness between us – it is like i am on the watch-out for another storm. It has been more than a week without a fight – it is actually unnerving. It is like old times – the playful, loving couple we once were. We are healing, i guess. May this last. Amen.

Let us stay this way. i will try to be patient and give us a chance. i will hear you out before i make up my mind.

post it and go home

It has been quite a busy week – and the preceding weekend was hectic to say the least. His mother was hospitalized so it was hospital-home-hospital-home for us. The good thing was they found the hospital OK – they have been so stuck up about how it would be like in a hospital where they don’t know anyone. Hopefully, things will look up now. Amen.

We sneaked off to the International fair on monday – had fun looking up the modular kitchens on display. We ultimately settled on Godrej – i like their design. We have to choose the flooring too. i hope it would be all worth the effort we are putting into it.
It would have made things easier if we were crorepatis – then we would not have to think twice before choosing whatever we like. But since we are not, we have to watch how we spend.

i have been soliciting treat from people – this is my latest pastime. The other day K gave us a treat – he is a sweetheart, I asked him give us a treat and he said “chalo kothai jabe”. M-da is going to take us out for lunch next Tuesday. And S is going to give us a long distance treat – he has transferred money and asked us to go to a restaurant of our choice! i am becoming good at this. Maybe they should appoint me as the official funds-beggar for our country.

Went out for lunch with him yesterday – used the excuse of the over hyped day-of-love to skip a few hours of office. i am eating out quite frequently – and feasting on mutton, what with the bird flu making all chicken disappear from the menu. i cannot even have my favourite chicken clear soup.

Hope this weekend would see me not losing my temper and staying friends with him. Hope is good food for the soul.

poka bhora matha....

If love were HIV
i have full blown AIDS

--this just proves that i have poka (worms) in my head to think up of something so inane. i need to get my head checked and de-wormed!

don't lose me...

This is definitely not the best of times for me. This emotional see-saw is making me see red - and blue and yellow and green (oh help me, god, i am going colour blind). Why do we behave the way we do – flinging barbs at each other, blind to the hurt we are causing to each other? i got so sick of it yesterday that i stormed out, cutting him off mid-sentence, and stood there in the balcony with a drove of mosquitoes. Middle of the night with mosquitoes for company, i sang songs (of all things!) to calm myself down, to erase the hurt that i so don’t deserve.

The only reason why i putting up with this is because i understand what he is going through. i know this must be the worst time of his life – seeing his mother go through the hell she is in. i know the pain he tries to hide. i know sometimes it gets too much for him and then he takes it out on the one nearest to him – and that happens to be me. But tell me, how is that fair? i am also going through a tough time trying to manage everything – it is so emotionally draining, hell, you have to go through it to know how it is like. It is so right that adversity can bring people closer – but it can drive a wedge between them too.

i want to see him through this tough time – inspite of everything, this guy means a lot to me.

i know nothing can be more painful than seeing the one you love waste away in front of you – and you stand there helpless to take away the pain you see in her eyes. i know that, honey. You say i don’t understand your pain, that i don’t care – pray tell me how do i prove that to you (and why should i prove it – hell, love does not need proof). Can’t you see the concern in my eyes? You, who is supposed to know my every emotions, can’t you tell that your pain is my pain? Why do you let your pain blind you to everything?

i am only human – one day i might snap and go away never to come back. These days, i find my eyes dry – i am drifting away. There is so much i can take without hitting back at you. One day, you might wake up and find i am gone – and you know i would not look back once i decide to leave. Don’t lose me, honey.

....

i love Rob Thomas’ voice. It turns me on. These days, i have been listening to music a lot at work – my iPod that had remained unused for about 2 years is being over-utilized now. i love gloomy, sentimental songs.

i am excited because S handed me two books today (the ass that he is, he is torturing me by not giving me the 17 books that the other S sent to me in one go). I am looking forward to sinking my teeth into them tonight. i must have been a printing press in my previous birth to love books so. Or maybe a book shelf.

i want to read a Mills and Boon right now. Cheap thrills – i love seeking out those “interesting” portions. There was a time when my sister and i used to get dozens of them and feast on them. i love losing myself in books – it is like i am transported to another world where i watch the characters come alive.

Matchbox 20’s ‘If you’re gone’.

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

dreams..and dreams...

S is back. And now, i am back to the fighting, bitching, gossiping mode at work. Beats coding in silence with the iPod for company.

S is fast climbing up the corporate ladder – he is good at managing people, i grant him that but like i tell him, he is too political for my liking. There is a new project coming up and he wants me to jump ship and come over and manage it. Maybe it is time for me to leave my comfort zone. But then, i have very little patience and i am not at all good at being political. i am not ambitious at all – too laid back for my own good. i am more interested in hoarding books, picking up fights with him, nagging the juniors rather than climbing any kind of ladder. And i am too blunt – i would end up treading on many toes with my if-i-feel-it-i-have-to-say-it attitude.

Truth be told, this is not what i want to do in life – i know i am good at it and all that but still, this is not my calling. i am here for the money and yes, the challenge. Not that i dislike this job – i would not have stuck to it for years if i was not mentally satisfied. In fact, i love this project, am possessive of the application, the business. This job has given me financial independence, has seen to it that I fulfilled my dreams of hiking in the Grand Canyon..i would be heartbroken when i leave it.

But then, there is the call of the wild. There is this gypsy inside that refuses to be domesticated. i have to cross the Sahara, surf the sand dunes, watch the aurora borealis, go visit the Grand Canyon again and hike from the south to the north rim, i have to go sky diving again, i have to visit Africa……..i have to open my candle shop…So many dreams…So much to live for. So little to die for.

burned hands and pockets

Yesterday was the company’s annual day. S and my item dance never materialized! i decided to skip it and went home to meet my sister. S nagged me to go with him as he would get bored without me but i refused. i have better things to do than watch them dance and listen to long bhasans.

And i burned my right hand while cooking yesterday. i was trying out stuffed capsicums – they turned out really good; I would have been disappointed if they turned out bad after sacrificing my hand and all that. Next time, i am going to just bake it in the microwave instead of frying the capsicums and save my beautiful skin from being scorched.

My colleagues wanted to know what ever happened to my hand – i told them that he burned me!

And the kitchen design is turning out to be quite a pain in the ass. We are going in for the half open kitchen style for the new place. Now, we are undecided about which side should be the main cooking area – well, he is undecided. i have pretty much made up my mind. He was miffed because I didn’t like his idea – hell, I am not going to nod my head in agreement just because I am in love. Sometimes, he can be quite a pain. In the end, I shall triumph as always.

We have decided to go the whole hog and make the kitchen as modern as we can afford. We went to a modular kitchen designer and he gave us an estimate- a whooping 1.5 lakhs! Add to that the chimney, cooking range and the budget would be like 2 lakhs for the kitchen alone. That is a lot of money. We will have to do some research and maybe go in for Godrej or some other reputed brand.

And we have the bathroom to think about – we altered the bathroom to make it big enough to fit a bathtub Maybe we will be paupers by the time we move in.

I have always wanted a big kitchen and bathroom. I love the big spacious kitchen back home. I want a garden too but that would have to wait. Maybe I will cultivate one in my head!

...life and i

i and life have been treating each other decently these days. Life - i cannot help wondering what it is about. What is the driving force behind the things we do? The life we live, the decisions we make, the heartbreaks we go through - when i think about it, it does not make sense. The nagging worries, the fights, the ego hassles - do they really matter? What is that i am searching for - this restlessness in me, what do i seek for?

i keep thinking about this - these days, i keep talking to myself (thankfully, not loud but in my head. When i start talking to myself aloud, maybe they will institutionalise me). About death, about life, about the futility of the things that irritate me or depress me. In the end, nothing would matter. Inspite of knowing this, i still get caught in this web of worldliness. i know i can give him up and start a life afresh and the wounds would heal - but still, i stick by because i know he needs me now. i know i can give up this job and be as happy or happier wandering, discovering this world. But i am still here- coding, killing bugs, nagging the juniors.

Why do we live life as if we have forever? Why do we take things for granted? Why do we never say 'i love you' to the people who mean the world to us but wait for them to die to shed tears and whisper i love you when they can no longer hear us? Why do we let mundane worries mar our happiness? Why do we care so much for the future that might not be and forget to enjoy the moment that is now? Why, inspite of knowing all this, cannot i tear myself away from it all? The world beckons - and i, i shut my eyes and shed a tear.

Am i the only one who feels this way? Am i going insane? Why do i think so much? Why?