.....of lonely nights and diplomacy

i am back. i survived...It has been a memorable three weeks...filled with melodrama (of the B grade bollywood type), tears, laughters and yes, the joy of being with him again. Well, lets say i am just relieved that everything ended well.


And now, i miss him terribly. Am so used to waking up with his arms around me that it is torture to wake up to an empty bed. And torture to go to sleep without his caresses...Ok, let me censor my thoughts..

On the work front, things are going slow what it being the holiday season. So i have not missed out on much. Except for the fruit party. i have taken the onus of demanding fruit 'hafta' from everyone so we will end up healthy! Hah..The things i do...

It is the end of yet another year...but i guess i have outgrown the concept of celebrating a new year ..Is it skepticism? or plain old laziness? With i, you never know. For me, it will be just another day without him. Oh, stop acting like a lovelorn puppy...And see, now i talk to myself. Somebody save me.

i suddenly woke up to the realisation that i have become too impatient and aggresive. Not that i have been submissive before. But i had that i-don't-care-a-damn attitude. i used to shrug off things as being immaterial..Now, i see this demanding version, ready to give an earful. Yuck. oh mairi..amai ki hoche?

i had been trying to learn to be to be a tad diplomatic. Which is like figthing a losing battle for someone who has been termed a "front-biter" (as opposed to a back biter) for saying things up straight. So now, i just keep quiet when i am supposed to answer something i know requires a diplomatic answer. To silence. And to being true to myself. Amen.

Sabbatical

Three weeks. Of traveling, meeting new people, forging new relationships. Three weeks that will test my patience, my power of endurance and my ability to stay true to my beliefs. Maybe i will emerge a stronger person or end up broken. Whichever way it ends, i hope i will have the strength to accept whatever life throws at me. i am scared …But what is life if you cannot face your fears? i love to believe that i am strong enough to face my fears and overcome them. Let me see whether i can prove myself right.

In a way, i am paying the price for the choices i have made in life. i know i could have turned around and walked away. But if there is a thing i have believed in, it is that i should never flinch from accepting the price of my choices. i have made bad choices, i have made good choices. i don’t subscribe to the concept of god, that i would be rewarded or punished after i am dead. Whatever happiness and sadness i have to go through; i want it when i am alive.

So, life, here i am.

Ghazal-ing

Hum tumhe aisi pila denge
Tum aawo toh sahi
Hosh ka naam bhuladenge
Tum aawo toh sahi

Ghulam Ali. My favourite ghazal singer. i love his gravelly voice…the way the words seem to rain like heavy droplets….i was introduced to his voice by K. How we went gaga over the song “chupke chupke”. – we used to sit there moony eyed in the office and sing along; much to the consternation of our senior who thought we were too young to be listening to such “dukh bhari” gaane! i am a sucker for sentu songs..and his songs are so loaded with meaning…

Right now i am listening to this song as i try to code and blog, in that order….

Dukh ki lehar ne shera hoga
Yaad ne kankaar pheka hoga

Aaj toh mera dil keheta he
Tu ish waqt akela hoga

Me toh aaj bahut roya hoon
Tub hi sayed roya hoga….

S called up to say he has bought the Toshiba laptop for my sister. He will be sending it through PK and so i will be getting it next week. The configuration is good and the price is great. Thank god for holiday deals!!

Karoon nah yaad magar
Kish tarah bhulawoon ushe

Lets do lunch

Lunch. With three of my project mates (sounds better than colleagues, ni?). My chai and lunch and yes, bitching partners. (If you thought guys didn’t bitch, you thought wrong). This lunch was in celebration of my new flat and an upcoming major event/disaster in my life (!!?). We went to this restaurant with a beautiful (but not awesome) view of the city, located as it is on the 9th floor. The food was great and so was the conversation.

One thing i love about my project is that i have met some wonderful people. People i can connect with on an intellectual and emotional level. Coming from someone as choosy and snobbish as i, that is quite some compliment.

Office romance

Office romance. Should it be discouraged? This topic surfaced after we “discovered” that two of the newbies are supposedly “in love”. S thought it could affect their productivity and increase the attrition rate if both should decide to leave. He was all worked up about this. And his major concern was the girl is older than the guy!! We were like “Tumi ki meyer baba (Are you the girl’s father)?” He was concerned that the guy might not be aware of this “devastating” fact. So he was plotting to inform the guy about the girl’s age!! i, of course being the trouble-making/loving bitch, egged him on. My PL was like ‘you people are so wicked’. Ultimately, we decided not to do any mischief and wait and watch how the drama unfolds.

It is fun though watching them sneak out for tea, trying hard to hide their budding “romance”. These poor creatures are not even aware that we are aware of it all!!

My sister and i are hooked on to Bigg Boss – precisely because it is so stupid and silly!! It is fun watching people make fool of themselves…and we making fool of ourselves watching them make fool of themselves!

We are beginning to settle down in the new place. i am beginning to behave like a housewife – running for the mop if i see a dirty spot. We bought some plants and I am sure they are going to die because i will forget to water them. But my dahling sister is there..

S called up on Friday night. He is down with viral fever so he is working from home. We bitched for about 3 hours (poor guy, he must have spent about 25$ on that call). When the mood overtakes me, i can really, really blabber.

Mere yaar ki shaadi he

One of my best friends got married. A guy who was/is my sounding board, one who taught me that being different was OK, who found in me an intriguing mixture of confusion and confidence, of innocence and complexity, whom i loved and who loved me…he who found my eyes beautiful, who thought i was a witch with oriental charms bewitching unsuspecting guys, who insisted i must have been a princess in my previous birth, who taught me basketball…, a guy who made me feel beautiful and loved down to my toes.

We found each other rather too late in life – when life was about to take us down different paths. But in the short time we were together, we shared more than some people share in a lifetime. We parted as friends, with no bitterness that usually marks the end of a passionate relationship.

i wish him happiness. And i wish him strength to be himself, always.

Home

We moved on saturday.Having a real tough time trying to set up the new place.Have spent the last three days unpacking. And on top of it, i have a bad cold. i took yesterday off because i was feeling so bloody sick.

i was sorting out the things and i found my old diaries. So i spent half the day reading them and drowning in nostalgia. All the old memories came flooding back. i miss the old carefree days - of evenings spent playing basketball, of adda sessions fueled by lebu cha, of crushes and blushes...For a few hours, i relived my past. ummm....

Yipeeeeeee

i have done it! i have got the flat registered today and now i am the proud owner of a flat. And i did it all by my petite self. i am so proud of meself. We are moving in tomorrow. i have got the electric chimney fitted in the kitchen plus the aqua guard. Will get the washing machine and geyser installed tomorrow.

This has been a tiring but enriching experience for me. Even though i have fretted and fumed at the running around i had to do,to the promoter's office, the bank, to the market to buy curtain rods and bathroom fittings and what nots, i have enjoyed it all.

As all my colleagues say, this is just the beginning. There seems to be no end to the things i need to buy. And that reminds me that i have to buy a calling bell plus
go get the electrician to provide me a point where i can use the microwave. oh hell.

i have started packing some of my things. And i was amazed to see the number of books i have managed to hoard! And my sister's overflowing wardrobe (and she complains about what to wear everytime). Shifting is going to be a big, big headache.

By next week, we should have settled down in the new place. Amen.

purdah he purdah

i never thought setting up a house/home would be this painful and expensive.i find my bank accounts emptying at a rate that is scaring me. i spent almost 10k on curtains. i console myself with the thought that i should have the best i can afford. But 10K on curtains?? i feel so very guilty about it. i could have donated some of that money to CRY. But what is the use crying over spilt milk?

The painting is complete so is the work on the kitchen cabinets. i must say the kitchen looks stunning. i still have to shop for furniture. i am planning to buy wrought iron furniture. They look so elegant. And more kind on my pocket!

The bank stuff is over. i just need to get the flat registered before i move in.
And that should be by next week. At long last.

Weekend errands

The weekend was a busy one. i finally decided on the colours - golden apple and
sunrise for the living cum dining room, light green for the kitchen, pink for the passage, pink and mauve for the first bedroom, satin blue and dewdrop for the second bedroom, blue and pink for the bathroom. Ema and my sisters were, i guess, a bit apprehensive about how it would end up looking like. To be honest, even i am petrified. Well, there is nothing much i can do about it as i have already bought the paints. So i just have to wait. i went and bought all the electric fittings on saturday. And burned a hole in my pocket. ouch.

The painting would be over by this weekend. And provided i get the registration done, i should be be shifting by next week. The bank, just to prove me wrong, is being a pain in you-know-where. The guy was all sugar and honey. He said my profile is very good and that i am on the top of the list of loans to be sanctioned by this month! Pray tell me what good is that if i don't get the sanction letter? i am getting frustrated.

This whole process, tiring as it is, has been a nice experience for me. i mean, i find it satisfying doing all the things by myself.

mess...

i am such a disorganised person that it irks me no end. i just cannot seem to organise my things. My room is a mess most of the time, with my bed piled up with mags, books and oddities. And everytime i need something,i have to really go through a "treasure-hunt". This topic surfaced because i have misplaced a pen drive containing some project data!! How irresponsible..i was there in the middle of the night yesterday trying to figure out where i have kept the damned thing. In the process, i found the pearl earrings he gave me for valentine's day (and which i thought i had lost), the beautiful seiko watch my friend gave for my birthday, the i-pod i have not even bothered to use, the CD player he got me from his trip to Japan....all gathering dust. i was kinda sad thinking about how i never seem to treasure things except, maybe, my books. i ought to be hanged.

i am in a really unhealthy state of mind..irritable,bitchy..But then, what is new about that.

Yesterday i was chatting with one of my juniors at work. This is a kid who finds my sense of humour and sarcasm admirable! She once made me blush like a beetroot when she gushed about how much she likes me at the company picnic (Of course, i was flattered and embarassed, in that order). We were talking about dreams and the meaning of our existence. Dreams and beliefs. About how much it hurts when you have to go against your belief just to make people you love happy. My beliefs, thoughts and dreams are so different from everybody else around that i feel like an alien sometimes. i have always lived with that feeling of never being understood by anyone, maybe except a few of my friends. And i have come to accept that as the price for being different. So once in a while, it is refreshing to talk with people with similar beliefs.

Blue or red??

Teething problems. My new baby's. Of course, i am talking about my apartment.
i am about to throw up my hands in despair and abandon it. i have decided to get the apartment painted before we move in.i have been nagging my sister to choose the colours for her room and she keeps whining how difficult it is to make a choice what with all the different shades in the pallette. i still have to think up of some fascinating colour combo. i am scared the apartment might end up looking like one of those modern art pictures! i am going to paint the doors myself. And of course, the guy who is right doing the job is charging too much. i am an idiot, of course,
for having said yes without doing any research. Now i guess i have to change the painters. What a mess i say.

All i can think about now is how i am going to decorate the new place. Maybe get a wrought iron dining set and satiny curtains!! And maybe survive on water and bread after that!! i am fascinated with the idea of having a bonsai in the living room. Where do i get one? i am thinking of trying to cultivate this art. Something new to do. Ok, let that be on my things-to-learn list.

If we could.....

If we could live our lives again
Would we the same?

Would you say the same things to charm me?

Would i still believe you
When you say i am beautiful like the sunset?

Would you still think i am witch to charm you so?

Would you still go away
knowing you will never come back to me?

Home alone

Since my darling sister is still basking in the sun back home, i am here singing "All by myself". And surviving on momos and pineapple juice (what a combo, i swear) and silly movies on the telly.

On the work front, i am yet to get back into the slogging groove. And i have a cold that is driving me crazy ( right now, i am sniffling away to glory).

The processing of the home loan, much to my surprise, is going ahead smoothly. Since i have opted to get a loan from a government bank, i was sure i would get caught in red tape. i have been warned by all and sundry how much running around i would have to do just to get the loan sanctioned. And lo and behold, just to prove everyone wrong, the bank tells me the major processing is done. Wonders will never cease.

i am surfing the net for modular kitchen designs. If there is one thing i envy about the apartments in the States, it has to be the kitchen. And maybe the bathroom. No wonder i could work up the energy to try out so many new recipes when i am there. All my colleagues complain how i never cook for them when i am here. i remember trying my hands at making all the sweets i could think up of - son papdi, barfi, mysore pak, pathisapta - and feeding my colleagues over there.

i cannot wait to decorate the flat. i got two "laiphadibi" (doll) from home. They stand about 2 foot tall! i thought they would look nice as decoration pieces. And i got those artificial flowers from Moreh. i have informed my landlord that i would be leaving by next month. Yes!!!

i know i am going to be bankrupt pretty soon. But who cares. After all, why do i earn if i cannot spend it on things i want to, right?

yum sweet yum

i am back after nearly a fortnight home. Every time i go there, there is this voice inside that keeps whispering how nice it would be if i didn’t have to count the days i have to fly back. It is like an ache that refuses to go away, this pining for the place where i don’t have to stay in a chicken-coop, where i can hug my mother and not just do with her voice over the phone, where life crawls by and you can caress the moments as they glide by…i know i can complain about the status of the road, a flyover that does not seem to want to take off, a market place which looks like a dumping ground, bandhs and strikes, about the load shedding…about corruption, about the so-called “patriotic” naharols….But inspite of all the warts, i love the place, i love the way it refreshes my mind, my spirits.

i decided to give everyone a surprise so i went without informing anyone. i landed there, asked around if there was a prepaid taxi service (stupid of me, I know). Of course, there was none. i finally found a guy and he promptly led me to this auto and managed to stuff my jumbo suitcase inside, much to my amazement. Anyways, there i was feeling like a princess in an auto! Of course, i got chided by everyone. My initial plan was just to spend a week there as i still have the loan cloud hovering above my head. The day before i was supposed to leave, after a bout of emotional attack, i decided to extend the stay for another week. i had to call up the bank, the promoter, my PL to make sure nobody was miffed. My PL was like how could you think of it, everyone here is missing you…i managed to get my way, as always.

Our leikai does not get water supply (ha ha ha) so we have to pump the water from the Imphal river. We have this pump that weighs like an elephant. i nearly sprained my back carrying it (not alone, just in case someone takes me for Kunjarani). As always, i had a fabulous time playing gags on all and sundry, teaching bad things to my cousins and my sweetie pie of a niece (one of my fave pastime when I am home), gorging on all those delicious homemade food….i am feeling so nostalgic right now. i could cry buckets of tears..sigh…

I miss the sound of the “konung”’s gong heralding the start of the day, the chirping of birds, the chattering of my two small precocious cousins, the fights with my sisters, being the judge of the silly games my cousins insist on playing (like throwing their collection of pokemon cards on the ground and seeing who can pick up the most – the punishment for the loser being dancing with his pants down – hey, they are just small kids so there is nothing indecent about this)…….let me stop before I drown in the sea of nostalgia..

Yes......................

After hours of frustration, not to speak of aching feet (and heart), i have found the one. The apartment, i mean. Maybe i am in an indecent hurry but i want everything wrapped up. Anyway, to cut a boring story, i finally found a flat i like in a location i want. i signed the agreement with the promoter today morning and submitted the application for a home loan. But this is just the beginning. i have to think about the painting, the electrical installation and so on and so forth. Boy, i am scared and almost bankrupt, well, maybe not, but i will be..soon enough…

With all the running around, i have hardly time to think about anything else. Or anyone. Which is a blessing.

Ki je hoche

An exhausted mind and body. Nearly wilted after walking around in the sun looking for the ever elusive flat. i am so dead tired. i swear i will just buy the next one that strikes me as live-able. And on top of that you have the brokers who do not keep their words. Why are people so unpunctual? i cannot stand unpunctuality. i don’t believe in making other people wait and i expect the same from them. i was so damn pissed off the other day that i gave the guy a dressing down he will remember for some days to come.

Anyway, here i am, still flat-less. Exasperated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa……..

i managed to finish “Germinal“by Emile Zola. A bit on the depressing side the way it ended but a nice tale of human emotions. i want to finish “Lord of the flies” but i don’t know why but the story depresses me. There is an oppressive air about it, the way everything hints at dark things to come. i know it is but a story. But sometimes, i think i tend to sink too deep into words.

Flat hunting

i have been tearing my hair out just trying to get a decent flat. Of course, i should have done this some years back. But i am lazy, lazy, lazy….. i am tired of staying in a rented place and want a place i can call my own. A place i can decorate as i like, paint the walls a vivid shade of red (eeeeee), paint flowers on the door…..

So i have been running after real estate consultants (a better term for brokers), and have been flat-seeing for the past week. If i like the flat, i don’t like the locality, if i like the locality, the flat is not up to my expectation…and so on and so forth. i am going to spend this weekend wearing my soles and soul off looking for a suitable place.

And then i have to run after the home loan. Good thing is that i will pay less tax now if i take a home loan. It is almost despairing when i think about the amount i could have saved on tax if i had taken a loan before. And maybe after setting up the nest, i might just go bankrupt. i am going to have this big showcase for my books and candles. i hope i get some place nice.....

New look

To lift my sagging spirits, i got a new hair-do. Beats me how it is supposed to help..Maybe i will smile more when i look at myself in the mirror!!

Work has not been that demanding. Which helps. It would be hell having trouble in both my personal and professional life, ni?

Have been spending too much time in front of the idiot box because i don’t want to think. Reading makes me reflect on life which is one thing i don’t want to do right now.

i started reading “Lord of the flies” and then stopped midway because i was actually scared of the way the story was unfolding. i don’t want to read anything remotely depressing right now. i should go and buy myself some Mills and Boon but then maybe that is a bad idea because it would remind me of things i don’t want to remember. So i read Tinkle comics now!! And supplement that with Femina and the disgusting Woman’s Era. You should read some of the articles in that magazine. So why do i buy it? Because i like laughing out loud at stupid things…sadistic me..

Gave a training to the newbies. My god, these kids look so young. And scared. i wonder whether i was the same way when i joined. Sometimes people ask me why i have been in the same company for years now. More than anything else, it is because i like the atmosphere. It is the kind thrive in. i mean, i can play gags on my colleagues, wander around barefoot, tell my seniors my mind without worrying about the consequences. I think i will suffocate in a project where you have to be serious and professional all the time. i do my job well (thank you) but i want to have fun when i am doing it.

broken.....

Dreams of a future together
Dissolve into tears
Leaving an empty shell behind
i have lost
And i am lost
To wake up to another day without you
To end another day without love

She is back

Back. After a long time. Was too busy tying up loose ends to gather my thoughts.

The tournament was, well, enjoyable. We won one game and managed to lose two! And i still have my nazuk arms burned shades of dark brown to show for it just because i had to get up at 6 in the morning and could not find the sunscreen lotion. i am looking forward to the next season where, hopefully, i will be able to score runs galore.

We had a barbecue party last Friday at a client's place. Since we had to fix some more bugs, we could not leave on time. We were the last to get there and had to do with the little food that was left. The house. God, the house. We were all awestruck. It had an awesome view of the bay, a big swimming pool, a patio where i could have sat all day long and a kitchen fitted with everything, well almost everything, you could have asked for. i could go on and on, singing paeans of that house.

After a flurry of shopping, packing and unpacking, i finally managed to take the flight home. Since i always over-shop( if there is a word like that) before going back, i was stuck with two suitcases bigger and heavier than i. Since i cannot pack (i usually dump everything in the suitcase, close it and claim i have packed!), one of my friends did it for me. He is meticulous about packing, with the result that everything managed to be packed and stay packed. But the main problem always being the weight (the weight limit is just 32 kg per bag), we weighed and re-weighed and found out that it was like way over weight. i had leave behind another big suitcase crammed with all my stuffs, books and candles.

The flight was, as usual, tiring. Nth hours or so of just sitting there in that cramped seat is enough to make anyone crappy. Then there was the halt at Singapore - 9 hours. Good thing that Changi airport is one of the best airports ever. i chose a cozy corner, shaded by bamboo (yes, i jest not) and finished a book. i managed to get myself interested enough to go shopping for chocolates and knick-knacks. And landed here on a steamy night. And here i am, trying to get myself back into the groove. Amen.

Pre tournament jitters

Preparing for the tournament. Cleaned my cleats. i thought of washing them but decided to take the short way out. So i sprayed windex on them and wiped them off with the kitchen towel!! Hee hee...

i am taking chips for the barbecue lunch party. But we have decided to go and sneak away for lunch as i cannot stomach the "delicacies" on the menu - beans (yuck), potato salad et al. i have this mental block when it comes to food. Isn't that hypocritical when i profess to be some wannabe gourmet who wants to sample all the delicacies this world has to offer? Whatever...

i need to get up at 7 tomorrow because we are to be on the field at 7:30. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkss....i think when i go in to bat/strike, i would be half-asleep. They say it is going to be blistering hot tomorrow so there is a chance that we just might get dehydrated and pass out on the field. Won't that be fun?

i am sure to get over-enthusiastic and start shouting and jumping all over the place. But girl, remember the motto - fun. Fun..fun...and more fun.

taking a break

i have not touched a book for 4 days now. And that speaks volumes about the somnambulistic life i am leading right now. i am hanging on to my sanity by the skin of my teeth. If i manage to stay alive till this whole project gets through, i will treat myself to …..umm…how should i indulge myself? i will buy myself all of Maugham’s books i can lay my eyes on.

i got complimented twice – my shirt actually. i was in a lousy mood in the morning when i got into the lift. The guy next to me said “Nice shirt – it is so colourful”. You would have thought i was wearing a rainbow! i went to the kitchen to get myself a cup of tea and there was this guy who gave me this bright smile and he went “nice shirt” too. When your spirits are in the dumps, it sure feels nice when you get compliments. i must be sinking really low if i start feeling like i need a compliment to lift my sagging spirits.

The softball tournament is this Saturday. But i don’t have time to be excited about it. It will start from 8 in the morning. Imagine. That is like midnight for me. i have to get my cleats cleaned. They look like i have walked across the Sahara desert in them.

Half asleep

i can hardly keep my eyes open. And my code does not seem to be working. Does it make sense to code when you are half asleep? But i need to get this done by friday and QA has been hounding us.
...
.......
My code is working now. Off to bed i go.

Bug control

Bugs. Everywhere. i might as well buy myself a bottle of pesticide and go about spraying the code. That is what happens in a big project - something like too many cooks spoiling the broth. i cannot test my code without stumbling every step and trying to figure out and fix other people's bugs. To top the cake, QA has started testing. Now we can expect them to breathe fire down our backs. And some of the developers are on leave. How much better can this get?! i could rave and rant but what would that achieve? So here i am on a friday night, squashing bugs beneath my dainty feet.

i love NCIS. i love all crime related serials - CSI, Law and order etc etc. Does that indicate something about my state of mind? But i love cartoons and animation movies too. So maybe i am just a psycho with an infantile sense of humour. You know, i think this bug hunting has got to me. i am spouting inanities.

Cycling to tea

We invited ourselves to tea to one our of collegaues's place. We are so shameless but then, who cares? So we rode to the indian store, bought samosas and then cycled to their place. We had tea and bitched, ok, ok, let me rephrase that, we gossiped. Bitching is fun sometimes, maybe all the time.

Just a couple of more weeks over here. i miss home. i miss the crowd and dust. i am well aware of the sea of opportunities i can drown in over here, of the things i can do over here that i would find tough, if not impossible over there. i want to hoard enough dough so that i can give up this 9-to-6 life and well, live life my way. Sometimes i think i have too many dreams inside me.But then, i would rather be pregnant with dreams than be barren of dreams. i will give myself some couple of years over here. Live some of my dreams over here before i move on. To another dream, another place, another life.

And yes, quails definitely taste better than chicken. Way better.

oh oh oh

Middle of the week. Cooking quails. i have never tasted quails before. i guess it would taste like chicken or maybe better. Will find out before the night ends.

Today was the last game of the league. And we lost in the last inning, yet again. It is becoming an irritating habit - losing, i mean. i cheered so much - shouted my lungs out that some of the guys in the opposing team were so amused. One of my team mates told me he wanted to win it for us because of the cheering! Maybe i should have been a cheerleader. The tournament is next saturday. i am all geared.

i baked a cheese butter pound cake yesterday. It turned out delicious. i am going to try making meat loaf next time.

i have started cycling. After about 10 years. It is fun. But i am still not ready to ride on the road next to those big bad cars. So i ride on the sidewalk. We are planning to go visit everyone riding bikes. Wouldn't that be fun?

We went downtown on saturday. Gypsy's day out. It turned out to be quite an adventure. We were to take the train to downtown and we missed it. It left the station just as we drove in. So we decided to take the bus rather than wait another hour for the next train. Since we never travel by bus, we didn't know which bus to take. So we boarded the first one that was destined for downtown. It turned out to be the kind that stops at every other street. And it took us all of two hours to reach downtown. Then we took the cable car, for which we had to stand in the queue for about half an hour. Then we hired one of the fishing-boat-turned-cruise boat which, so very conveniently for us, seated six. So there we were, six Indians playing tourists. The ride was manificient. It took us around Alcatraz and under the golden bridge.

i have to start shopping for going home. i haven't even composed my shopping list. i loathe shopping but do i even have a choice? Of course, i do. i always have a choice.

Did manage to finally turn the last page of "The Bourne Supremacy". It was good. i started Scott Turow's "Law of our fathers". But he disappointed me. The first few pages were enough to make me blench.

Hardly alive....

Oh god...What a week it has been. Last week, i was so wrong when i thought we had everything under control. Monday came and there we were, caught in this landslide of problems. We plugged one hole and another started leaking. In the end, there we were, no time for even the traditional morning adda sessions, trying to test and find hidden bugs. With friday evening being the deadline, last minute discussions with the clients, changes in requirements.....eeeya.. Why the hell cannot they make up their bloody minds? They want something one day, so i code. Next day, they decide they don't want it at all, so i change my code. And then, one fine day they come and say they do want it. So i have to modify my code yet again. It was all i could do to control my temper and not tear my hair out and stomp my feet. As they say, the client is God Almighty. But then, i am an atheist. Am i even making sense?

So today, after four days of slogging some n hours every day, the deadline was there standing behind us. My code was done and ready to launch. And then, my colleague/friend came to give me this good news - apparently one of the juniors working on another part of the project miraculously managed to misinterpret the requirements and he modified my existing code and it is all a mess! i see red - blood red. We have another 5-6 hours before QA would start breathing down our necks. So we marched off to confront the client. i was like, was this the requirement, this does not make sense to me (which is fast becoming my favourite phrase), did you tell him to make this change..blah blah....And more blah blah...In the end, since the guy was long gone home, we had to clean up his mess! At around 3, we managed to wrap up everything and make the deadline. Since this is some multi-million project, we were told not to screw up anything. It is not yet over. Like my PL said, this is the beginning of the end. Thank you.

Then we had a popcorn party just "in celebration of being alive". yeah right. Who says i am alive?

The party last saturday was a hit. Everyone went gaga over the food. And the mishti doi turned out so good, if i may say so myself. Immodesty, thy name is....

We are thinking of taking a break and going downtown to take a cruise and maybe go hiking. That is, if i can manage to wake up before the sun sets.

i need to finish " Bourne Supremacy"..i started that last week and never got time to flip beyond some hundred pages or so...

Didn't even go to play the game on thursday. But did go for the salsa class. Had a blast dancing away the fog in my mind. Sa re ga ma little champs is going to be on now so off i go to hear some cute (and some not so cute) kids sing their tiny hearts out...

saare suru ka yeh hi milan
geeton se meheka he sara chaman
apne hooton se nagme sajaye huwe
Aawo hum sab mil gaye
sa re ga ma....
la la la la la.....

Party time

Lunch party tomorrow. One of my friends (we spar so much that it is a joke in our project that given a chance, we would end up killing each other) is going back so i decided to throw a party for him. i have been making preparations for it. The menu would be: Kelichana, duck vindaloo, matar paneer, dal and mishti doi. The mishti doi is baking in the oven right now. This is the first time i am making mishti doi. i don't know how it is going to turn out. The recipe said 'don't open the oven during the whole process". With my impatience, i am finding it so hard not to take a peek and check if everything is OK. i will find out tomorrow morning.

i am feeling sleepy. And i have to wake up early tomorrow and do all the cooking before they turn up.

We went out today for lunch with our clients to a thai restaurant aptly named "Thai cuisine". The food was good. We were talking about different cuisines. There is actually a Filipino dish with coagulated pig blood. They say it is really nice. They sell coagulated pig blood in the Asian store i frequent. They have pig feet, cow's tongue and an assortment of such oddities that i love gazing at in wonder. They sell live frogs too!! In dallas, we went to this chinese store and he had to drag me away because i insisted on pointing out every item to him. It is exciting to know there are so many varied, exotic recipes out there. i want to try out a dish from every country.

Ok, off to bed i go and try to wake up early and see what i can whip up for my guests. What if i oversleep and they come to find nothing ready? That would be quite something and i will never hear the end of it. But knowing them, they would start cooking themselves!!

(Un)Healthy eating

As i munch on chips worth 200 calories, i think about my eating habits. Summed up in one word - unhealthy. It is more so in this "land of milk and honey". Since i wake up with barely enough time to make a respectable entrance in the office, breakfast is a thing of the past. And then lunch. Fussypot that i am, the cafeteria is a place i have shunned since the stuffs on the menu are things i don’t want to eat. Going out for lunch everyday to the Chinese/Thai and my favourite dhosa joints is not something I can indulge in everyday because of the time (and yes, yes, money) factor. Unlike my colleagues who bring ‘tiffins” of home cooked food everyday, i don’t feel like bringing lunch to office for the simple reason that, more often than not, i would end up eating the same things for lunch and dinner (We believe in cooking in bulk so that we don’t have to come home from office every night and cook. But this is a theory he does not subscribe to but since he is not here, well, i can have all the leftover i want). Yuck.

So the solution? Of course, the vending machine, which, for a few quarters, will spew out my choice of chips/cookies and what not. And then we have popcorn almost everyday. Now add to this the fact that my diet is mostly meat or fish and not enough vegetables. The people i stay with are as health (un)conscious as i am. There has to be meat or fish on the menu everyday. And i never drink enough water. When he calls up, he reminds me to drink water. i actually have to be reminded to drink water!!! (Guilt made me gulp down a mouthful of water a few seconds back). All this despite the fact that i know i should include fruit and veggies in my diet, cut down on red meat, drink gallons of water to flush the toxins from my body, exercise daily. Maybe because i never have to worry about my weight and my skin, i guess that makes me complacent.

i have started following the adage “ An apple a day blah blah….”. So i have a green apple every day, green apple because it is crunchier tastier than the red one. And yes, yoghurt too. And, of course, chips on the side! To a healthier and fitter i.

Hurrah, we lost again!!

We lost 16-17. Again. But since we played so well, i am happy. i made two runs, got struck out twice (aw shucks!) but it was sucha terrific game that it didn't hurt that much to lose. i guess we are gearing up for the tournament. And anyways, there is always the next season when i would be a novice no more. Hope springs eternal in this little black heart of mine!!

On the work front, all is well, surprisingly. The code is almost done so i can afford to laze around. i was so worked last week that we might not meet the deadline but we are one week ahead. So we have ample time to go play "seek the bugs", squash them and have a bug-free code!!

i need to start making candles again. But i have packed up all my moulds and i am feeling so lazy to get them out! Sloth, that should be my middle name.

i am empty of words now. Let me sit back and watch those inane rona-dhona serials now and let my brain vegetate.

A cake well baked!

i baked my first cheesecake today. i woke up late (as usual). And then started on it. Spent about an hour getting everything together. And it is de-li-cious!! i kept it in the oven to cool down and it got a bit more browned that i would have liked. But it is yummy.

i made kelichana in the morning. i don't know what possessed me to put tomatoes in it. It was OK but somehow it didn't live upto my expectation. i will try again without the tomatoes. Why would anyone put tomato in kelichana??!

i was thinking about the many manipuri dishes i don't know how to cook. i mean, i can do briyani, ilish paturi, vindaloo, malai prawn curry, barbecued baby pork ribs, beef nihari...ok, ok, i am blowing my own trumpet!! i trawl the net for recipes and try out the recipes i take a fancy to. i wish i could prepare "pakora thongba", or "chagem pomba" (i love chagem pomba even though i am not a fan of "hawai zar"-fermented soyabean..go figure) or ooti with ushoi, or "kanglayen paknum". i think this time when i go home, i will get the recipes from my mother dear. You know, i never liked "ngari" (dried fish) when i was a kid. Somehow, i could never get used to the smell. So i missed out on "eromba" for the first 16 years of my life. The first time i had eromba was some thousand miles away from home. Can you beat that? But i can cook real good "sareng atoiba", "porong" and "ukabi thongba". i miss all those yummy dishes. And i miss home.

i decided i would not work in the weekend. i need to rest. As it is, i know the coming week is going to be a killer. So i might as well loll around when i can, sleep with books and wake up with a hangover of dreams.

i dream of you
And wake up drenched in your love
i reach out to touch you
And empty space is all i get

Musings of an exhausted mind

It has been a long, long week. And not a moment of respite. A deadline met. Another looming ahead. And the next week is going to be the same, wake up, go to office and slave away, code, test, come home, work till your eyes smart. By the time i drag myself to bed, i am half asleep. i am trying to recharge my batteries this weekend. By the end of July, i think i should be dying of exhaustion. Well, i get paid for this so should i be complaining?

i walk to the office everyday now. It is refreshing. As it is, i don't exercise these days. i think i should start going to the gym again but i am lazy. Oh well, i can't have everything, can i?

i am searching for a recipe for cheesecake..i am going to bake one tomorrow and take it to the office on monday and feed my colleagues. i love cooking. i love trying out new recipes because he loves eating. i remember the weekends we used to spend trying out briyani, some african chicken recipe with peanut butter (that turned out to be something i have never tried twice), trying to replicate a Chinese dish we had at our favourite restaurant (the one where we went for our first lunch together)... We both love eating good food. i am very fussy about food. It used to be a joke in my family that the number of dish i could eat could be counted on one's fingers.

i managed to find a decent recipe for cheesecake - ricotta cheesecake. i think i will make it with strawberries or raisins, whichever i get. Lets see how it turns out. Too bad he is not here to taste it. He always makes fun of the way i go running to him with a spoonful of whatever i am cooking and ask him to taste and tell me if everything is OK. Whenever we are together, i never let him cook, even though he is a decent cook. My sister says i have this phobia of letting anyone cook because i think they are going to spoil the dish!

Right now, i am watching a movie called "Dhoop". It is a sad tale of the corruption in our society, about a father running from pillar to post to get a petrol pump allotted to his dead son's name. It is so depressing. Sometimes when i watch sad movies, i surreptitiously shed tears and hope no one is watching. i do that when i read gloomy stories too. Maybe that is why i love animation films. But i digress...The film ends on a hopeful note, justice is done. But as i sit here, listening to Jagjit singing, "It is not impossible to change a regime", i think about it, about the way the system is now. i think about the way we have accepted it as something that cannot be changed. When i hear about how much you have to pay to get a job back home, about how everything is rigged, there is this feeling of impotency. Will things ever improve, will we ever start thinking for ourselves and not accept everything as inevitable? When will we start fighting for things really worth fighting for? All my life i have fought against doing things because everybody else is doing it (Would that explain why i try too hard not to be a part of the herd?). i am notorious for being the most pigheaded person around. i am a very difficult person to be with, i guess. Because i always keep asking why, what and how. i have been told so many times not to question and just listen and do whatever everybody else is doing. But my reasoning is when i have been given a brain, why shouldn't i use it? Why should i accept everything that is told to me as the truth? i want to find my own truths. You know, sometimes your elders tell you "we are telling you because we know, because we don't want you to make the same mistakes we did. We have seen life". i tell them, let me make my own mistakes, let me learn from them, let me live life, let me stumble and learn to pick myself up. i have made mistakes in life, learned from them but i have never regretted my mistakes.

losing...losing..lost

We lost the game. Yet again. And to think we were up 10-0!! They caught up and we lost 12-11. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....i did manage to score a run. i am so disappointed. But we still have more games to play. And the tournament. So....

Deadlines loom ahead. And i rush to embrace them. i think i want to go on a hiking trip. A 11 mile hiking trip would be just the thing to lift my spirits.

:::::::

i walked home from office today. Took me all of 16 minutes. The air was crisp and i loved the wind playing with my hair...The lagoon looked lovely in the evening sun and i felt, what is that word, yes....happy. umm...Sometimes it takes so little to make me smile.

At lunch, the fortune cookie said " Everything will come your way now"! And i smirked and threw it away. Tuesday being a holiday, the office was deserted on monday. So we decided to play truant and went shopping. But shopping is oh-so boring. After 10 minutes i was yawning away to glory. Went to the library and bought my usual quota of 12 books, well, 13 this time because i laid my eyes on this collection of great American mystery stories and i couldn't resist. i am a sucker for crime stories.

We have a game tomorrow. We lost the last game 9-4...The league is supposed to be non-competitive but i cannot help but feel bad when we lose. We always start off well but somehow we lose our way. i guess the most important thing is that we enjoy ourselves to the hilt. Will dust off my cleats and shine my mitts and well, we will shine. One day...

i stew
In a cauldron of emotions
Just to dish up
A smile for you

.....

..
In the dungeon of your love
i tread on shards of broken promises
i bleed tears bitter with unborn dreams
i gnaw at the fetters
Binding my soul to yours
i shall fly yet again
Unfettered….
With the colours of my dreams on my wings
My wounds will heal
And my scars will linger
To remind me that i have lived
That i have loved and survived

There are times when the whole world seems to conspire against you, when you drown in your tears …There are times when your dreams shatter and try as you can, you cannot put the pieces together…Times when you cry and hug yourself to sleep. When you feel like not getting up ever…When you talk to yourself in your head and block out the world…When no smile can filter through to a heart with blinds drawn…no love can trickle down to warm your soul…

There is a song we used to sing in college..when we didn’t know the meaning of life but thought we did…I remember it today in this haze i inhabit right now

“I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never going to keep me down “
--Tubthumping by Chumbawamba

----

You and i
Our lives entangled
unwillingly victims
Of a game called love

back after a hiatus

Mid-week..with the i-wish-it-was-Friday hymn on my lips. My laptop gave me a scare today. There i was, still bleary eyed on a Wednesday morning, trying to start it up and all i saw was this blank screen staring back at me and this wheezing sound that actually sounded like it was gasping for air! i was like please-don’t-die-on-me. Tried turning it off, starting it again. On and off. On and off. And nothing. So i start thinking about all the stuff i have been working my ass off for which I have not taken a back-up (oh you stupid bitch)…i had visions of me staying up late, missing episodes of fear factor and Law and Order and CSI to re-do the whole thing…gasp..

So i summoned my colleagues, to give them a chance to revive my m/c and have the fortune of me being eternally (or for long as the memory of this nightmare stays with me) grateful to them. Nothing. So the last resort – call up the support group and beg them to rescue me. So I stuck this post-it that said “dying laptop” on my m/c and went off to give a design presentation using somebody’s else m/c. I rushed through the whole presentation and got them off my back. All the while I was thinking about lost data and how much could be retrieved. A guy came, took away the laptop and then came back with the good news that nothing was wrong with it!! I was like “what?”…He was able to start it at the first go and there was nothing wrong with it. My laptop hates me!! Or else it has taken after its mistress and decided to become moody. Yah allah. Do I have to go this ordeal every morning of trying to coax a moody m/c to respond to me?

We lost the softball game yesterday..20-11. oh well. i did score one run. We have another game tomorrow. I hope we do better. And we have the salsa class after the game. Pretty busy life, nah?

It must be kang time back home. i can’t even remember the last time I had kanggi kichuri and ooti. I went for the “jaidev chongba” once when i was a kid. i wonder whether they still do it today. i remember snatches of the song they used to sing for jhulon ( I can’t remember if jhulon is during or after kang)…”jhulon bu yaojari, brajabu yengjari”.

But my favourite festival is yaosang. i try to make it a point to be home during yaosang but wasn’t able to be there this year. We have this leikai club that organizes the sports and cultural meet. When i was a kid, i used to compete with my friends for the number of prizes we won for the events – 100m race, thouri chongbi (rope skipping), intelligence test (the one where they went in-out and we used to jump in and out a circle…that was fun rah), abir lakpi (yuck, the taste of abir in the mouth….), angka lamjen (arithmetic race—it was surprising how I never got a sum right in that event….but I could do it correctly afterwards!! )….Those were the days. And we had the housie every afternoon and i used to spend my nakantheng money on housie. How i used to scream myself hoarse watching the cricket and football matches (i still do it now much to the embarrassment of my mother).

Enough of nostalgia. But yes, i miss home. i do…..