Roses

Running...

Because I am quite dumb, I went ahead and registered for the company sponsored 5.6 km run. Now how am I ever going to complete it? Maybe if I crawled, I might get there before midnight. 

i have no idea how I got myself into it. Maybe it was like I wanted to see how far I can push myself at this age - i am swear my lungs will collapse before I hit 1km. 

I have been making roses and roses - cutting out the shapes is the hard part. I still cannot get floral tape - I know it is there at Art Friend but it is so bloody far away. I think I will sneak away at lunch time tomorrow. I just got to have floral tape and yes, I need to blow some money on useless stuffs I buy that gather dust and mock me and my very short attention span. I have been flitting from one craft to another like a promiscuous butterfly. I have been meaning to start resin but it is so expensive it makes me want to bawl my heart out.

I so want to go home for Yaosang. I cannot remember when was the last time I was there. In fact, I cannot remember when was the last time I was in Imphal. It must be more than an year. Do I miss it? I don't know - it is like I have forced myself not to think anymore about the place I grew up, the place I want so much to pick itself up from the misery it wallows in now. But how can I forget the blue skies, the stars I loved to gaze on dark nights, the way time seems to crawl over there...how can I forget the river that runs past my house? How can I forget the soil that still clings to my roots that I have tried to uproot.. how can I ever forget...and how can I ever go back? I am now too much a slave to my needs to want to live there..but I so want the elf to spend at least one Yaosang there - 

Well, he mailed, called up and I had to talk to him. How I hate the way he always is the better person...I could hold on to a tiff till I die I suppose because I am the kind who will deny themselves the good things in life just because ... I don't know what I am writing about....

I need to sleep...

Back to form

After a long gap, my creative juice is oozing!! I made this from coffee filter using the instructions from Martha Stewart's website.

It is raining....

After what seems like about a month with no rain, it is raining now. Good for the plants. I spied three or four baby tomatoes and two winged beans and was pleasantly surprised. I thought all my watering was going to waste. 

Had a fight with him yesterday. I guess I was spoiling for one. Maybe because I hate it that he is away. I am coping OK - have been trying to keep the elf busy - taking him to plays and exhibitions and such. Took him to the chingay parade yesterday and, as usual, I ended up enjoying more than him. I suppose  a time will come when he will refuse to go with a mother who behaves like a 5 year old herself. 

Been reading. Cleaning the basins and sinks. I always clean sinks after I fight with him. maybe it cleanses my soul.

In another hour, would be taking the elf for the Lego movie and eat out. 

As we were returning home, I thought about how safe I feel here in Singapore. It was after 11 in the night and we walked from the bus stand without a care. I have never felt safer anywhere than I do here. I would scared stiff to take a cab or walk outside this late back in India. Whatever you say about Singapore being sterile, I find this place worming its way into my heart. This is the place I would like up the elf to grow up - with me safe in the knowledge that there are no school shootings or  people out to grab him.

I will not be the one to mend this fight - well I never am the one. I have too big an ego - an ego that would one day be the end of me. 

I am so flawed - a bad daughter, wife and mother..but is that all that defines me? I am a flawed human - all the worse because I  am aware of it and still would not change a thing. Let me go and eat some pineapple tarts....what ???

All of my creative juice has apparently been exhausted. So I have a bag of felt, clay and stuffs dying on me. I have not created a single thing for so long it makes my heart ache. My life seems to play out in phases. A bit like the moon waning a d waxing. And filled with mood craters of the kind that would leave you gasping for release.

I have lost weight - no thanks to the smoothies I never drank. I have been surviving on quinoa and the occasional rice and curry. It is no fun cooking for myself.

I completed two years here. Two years. It is scary how fast time flies. And I have nothing to show for it. I still have not written the book I keep telling I would write. I remain a fat caterpillar, moody and bitter. No sign of a butterfly anywhere in me. Do you suppose too much tarts can make one depressed. I need to eat dosa or thosai as they call it here.

At least I know my 1-10 in Chinese. Though I still cannot use the chopsticks in spite of the lessons my two lunch companions give me. 

Done.