.....in remembrance

Today marked the second monthly death anniversary of Baba. Two months gone.

And because life has to go on, i have packed away the memories in little sachets tied with love - packed away because i need to forget to be able to move on. Is that cruel? i don't know but that is my way of dealing with grief and loss. i get drawn in an abyss of sadness if i try to remember, i see his face when i close my eyes, the way he suffered and i don't want to remember him like that. i want to forget enough to be able to remember him from earlier days - like when he fetched me from school and took me to have omelette and falooda; when he bought me those tiny cheese packs; how i used to wait up for him to come home; of being his favourite daughter; pampering me and indulging me when i was fussy about eating; telling me not to study so much when he found me still up at 1 in the night....i am so sad now i could drown. And since i cannot live this way, i choose to forget. Till the time i am healed enough to be able to remember without this pain, till the time i can smile when i see his face.

In his memory, we decided to donate lunch for the inmates of Mother Teresa's Nirmal Hriday. Bachou said it was much better than donating at a temple. i could not agree more. And so Emaibem, Ema and i went to the home today. Since the one at kalighat is under renovation, we had to go to Prem Daan at Park Circus. It took quite a bit of asking around before we could find it. There it was in a squalid crowded lane that could barely let our car in. But the gates opened and we were in another world - serene and peaceful. There were so many foreign volunteers - in fact all of the volunteers were foreigners. Some were feeding the old women, one was clipping somebody's nail, another was darning a torn gamcha (towel). i spoke to some of them - one old shriveled woman said she was waiting for death to take her away from her misery, she can no longer walk, constipated....i was almost in tears to see the sufferings. i do not have much stomach for human tragedy...It was a humbling experience. Ema and Emaibem served the inmates along with the volunteers.

i thought ice-cream would be nice in the heat after the lunch. So i got permission from the sisters to get ice-cream for the inmates. i took B, our trusted driver, and we went off in search of ice-cream in the by-lanes. i think he was worried about me and he told me to stay back and he would go alone as it was not the friendliest looking neighbourhood. i waved away his fears and we managed to collect the required number from two shops. It was a treat to see them enjoying the ice-cream and i thought for less than 10 pounds, you could make the day for 50 people.

We gave away all the leftover syringes and medicines - kind of cleaning up and letting go, step by step. Also, i managed to get my sister to open her dreaded wardrobe and after an afternoon spent with me holding up one garment after another asking 'Staying or going' and Ema and my sister deciding whether to keep it/give it away, we managed to glean two big, big bags of clothes to give away. There were some clothes that even had the tag intact!! Why do women buy so many clothes? Beats me.

Ema wants to set up a trust in Baba's and my brother's name - give away gold(plated) medals to students. i said i would rather sponsor some poor deserving students rather than dole out medal to students who would then keep it hidden somewhere (i should know, i have them hidden away god knows where). Only trouble is finding genuinely deserving students. If you know of any, please suggest.