...life and i

i and life have been treating each other decently these days. Life - i cannot help wondering what it is about. What is the driving force behind the things we do? The life we live, the decisions we make, the heartbreaks we go through - when i think about it, it does not make sense. The nagging worries, the fights, the ego hassles - do they really matter? What is that i am searching for - this restlessness in me, what do i seek for?

i keep thinking about this - these days, i keep talking to myself (thankfully, not loud but in my head. When i start talking to myself aloud, maybe they will institutionalise me). About death, about life, about the futility of the things that irritate me or depress me. In the end, nothing would matter. Inspite of knowing this, i still get caught in this web of worldliness. i know i can give him up and start a life afresh and the wounds would heal - but still, i stick by because i know he needs me now. i know i can give up this job and be as happy or happier wandering, discovering this world. But i am still here- coding, killing bugs, nagging the juniors.

Why do we live life as if we have forever? Why do we take things for granted? Why do we never say 'i love you' to the people who mean the world to us but wait for them to die to shed tears and whisper i love you when they can no longer hear us? Why do we let mundane worries mar our happiness? Why do we care so much for the future that might not be and forget to enjoy the moment that is now? Why, inspite of knowing all this, cannot i tear myself away from it all? The world beckons - and i, i shut my eyes and shed a tear.

Am i the only one who feels this way? Am i going insane? Why do i think so much? Why?