dying thoughts!

i had one hell of a scary ride yesterday. The weather being cloudy, i was expecting the flight to be a bit bumpy. But hell, a bit turned out to be a little too much. I was trying to catch some sleep and the pilot announced that we were approaching Agartala. Cool. And then the plane started rattling. As luck would have it, i had parked my ass in the last seat which i believe is the bumpiest. For about 2-3 minutes (it almost seemed like an hour to me), the plane salsa-ed- up, down, left right, jiggling its ass, its wings. Turbulence, i have faced many a times without raising an eyebrow. But yesterday, i really thought the plane would take a final bow and plunge. The old woman who was seating next to me was rattling off all the prayers in the book. There were others who were crying.

All i could think of was the fight i had with him just before i left. Normally we always part with hugs and kisses and all that. Yesterday, we hardly talked to each other in the airport. i was thinking if I died, i would never be able to tell him that i still cared for him. i took out my boarding pass and scribbled “i love you” to him. i was thinking at least then he would know he was in my final thoughts. And then i thought if it should crash, then my bag might get flung away from me so i slung it across my chest so it could be found on my body!! So melodramatic, i swear. My life did not flash before my eyes. But the thought that i have left so many things unsaid troubled me. i think more than dying, i was scared of dying without making up with him. And of leaving my family behind.

The plane did not crash. And i still have not told him i care; still do care for him inspite of whatever i say. i am so silly. i might get run over today by a bullock cart and die and i might never get to say those three words to him. How stupid am i not to realize that life is not forever. That there is no guarantee that there might be a tomorrow to love.

Of course, i do know all of that. But my pride refuses me the pleasure of taking the first step.

Dil keheta he chal unshe mil
Uthe hi kadam rukh jata he
Hum dil ko kabhi samjhate he
Dil humko kabhi samjhata he