take me home...

Back. There is always a lump in my throat whenever the plane takes off and takes me away from home. Home. i don’t know where is home anymore. Is it the place where i grew up, the place where my memories are stacked in all nooks and corners? Is it the nest i have built for myself over here? Sometimes i wonder how it would be like staying at Imphal for good and not flit in and out like some migratory bird. Would i miss this place then, the freedom of living life on my own terms? So many questions and no answers.

Tried to gather enough memories to see me through the time i would be away. i loathe goodbyes. i hate the times when i turn to wave and walk away. i want to be home. And home eludes me.

ummm...

A year older - but unlike old wine, i seem to turn bitchier, nastier and, yes, younger at heart!!

bent----

Last night, as i was about to go to sleep, this thought struck me like a bolt from the blue. This realization that, after we die, everything ends. It is not like i didn’t realize it before but it struck me with more force and clarity than ever before. The mundane worries, the fights, the happiness, the sadness, everything will end when my existence ends. i mean, the world will cease to exist then because i would not be there to experience it. It was a scary thought – i felt like i was staring down a bottomless abyss.

Many years back, when i was a kid running around wild, even before i realized the importance of it, i had this scary experience. i believed in re-incarnation then because i was still a kid who had been taught to believe in the existence of god. For no rhyme or reason, i started thinking that if i was going to be born again and again and again, when would the cycle ever cease. My mind could not fathom it and i remember being petrified. i remember asking my playmate if she had ever thought about it and she gave me this blank stare as if i have spouted in another language. i was so sacred of this concept that life would never end, that time would go on and on and on.

Sometimes, i am scared of how my mind goes on about these things – it is like there is another creature inside my head, trying to grasp the concept of life, of the meaning of my existence. It stays silent most of the times. But like all beasts, when it rears it head, i am left confused and drained, thirsting for knowledge, for enlightenment, for that one glimpse of truth. And i wonder do other people go through this soul searching too. Or maybe i am losing my marbles.

i don’t know what could be more frustrating than having a glimpse of another world and having the window shut in your face. This is what i feel everytime i think about life – there are times when i feel i have grasped some essence, only to have it fade away. My friends say i think too much. Maybe one day, i will just slide away into the other side they call insanity.

“Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together ---“
- Bent by Matchbox 20

wild discovery

The other night, as i was channel surfing, i stumbled upon this show on National geographic channel. At first i thought it was just one of the run-of -the-mill shows on animal behavior. Boy, was i wrong! It was on animal sexuality. You would have thought that animals, unlike homo-sapiens, have sex as the last thing on their minds, except during mating season. Did you know that homosexuality is prevalent in the animal kingdom -starting from the majestic lions to the graceful giraffes to swinging monkeys? It was one hell of an eye opener. They should show this to people who consider homosexuality as something unnatural.

Another shocker was that animals pleasure themselves. i guess my jaws must have hung open as i watched the show. i never thought that animals indulge in fornication for any other reason than procreation. Just goes to show how ignorant i am.

And apparently, orgies and underage sex are not uncommon in animals like monkeys. Phew! If the evolution theory as we know it today is correct, well, we have our ancestors to blame for all of mankind’s “deviant” sexual behaviors!

And monogamy is the one deviant behavior when it comes to animals. Very few species are monogamous. Genetic testing has proved that even species hitherto considered as mate-till-we-die species have turned out to be, well, not exactly faithful. But did you even think that the ugly vultures could be faithful? They supposedly don’t even let themselves be tempted into stealing a peck when opportunity presents itself. Amazing.

nest hopping

Will be going home for just 4 days. Don’t have any more leave left! My parents are scared of the sweltering heat here so they would not come to visit me. So following the adage” If the mountain does not come to Mohamed than Mohamed shall go to the mountain”, i have decided to go there instead.

Next month, i would be shifting base again. Conflicting emotions. On one side, the excitement of being with him again; on the other side, the pain of leaving everything behind. Life over there is too organized for me to really enjoy. Not much of running around. No challenges to face. Maybe with him i would like it better.

But I would miss everything around-the heat, the dust, the crowd, the fight for everything. i would miss the project – the bantering with S, nagging and bullying everyone, of playing the big sister to all kids around. i would miss the security of knowing that home is just some hours away, i would miss my family, miss the crazy times with my sister. Boo hoo….

But, I have to pack up my bags and fly, yet again, from the safety of my nest.

no more....

No more would i wait for you
No more would i shed tears

Cocooned in my pride
i would rather be alone than be sad

As much as i love you
i love myself too much
To have to prove my love

Don’t try to bend me
‘Cause i refuse to be broken

Don’t expect me to beg
‘cause i don’t accept charity

Alone, i am
But lonely, i will never be
As long as i have myself---

when love sours.....

when love turns sour
and the heart grows cold

when the fire dies out
in a deluge of demented tears

when words wound
and we bleed

bitter lovers
that is what it makes us

sikkim travelogue- day I

We reached new jalpaiguri on a hot afternoon. outside the station we were mobbed by people wanting to take us to darjeeling, pelling, gangtok, kalimpong...We found a share-jeep willing to take us to gangtok for 145/- per head. Pretty cheap, hah? The only thorn in the side was that we had to wait for the jeep to fill up - it seats 10 not counting the driver. So we sweated it out inside the jeep for nearly an hour - with my sister grumbling that it was boiling hot. Ultimately, we did start for gangtok. it took us all of 4 hours from NJP to gangtok.

Unexpectedly, the condition of the road was quite good. Except for some stretches under repair, the ride was smooth. And the scenery was breathtaking - greenery all around, the winding teesta river below. The only silly part was that i was in mortal fear of being puked on by the guy who was sitting behind me, the poor guy's stomach obviously didn't take a liking to the curves.

We took a stop at rangpo. The weather at rangpo was hot - and i was wondering what i would do with all the wollens i had with me. The driver informed us that we were just 1 hr away from gangtok, much to our delight - i think my butt had enough of being sat on.

On our way we caught sight of Sikkim manipal university - imposing sight indeed - i mean, i never expected it to be so grandiose, right there beside the teesta. i was thinking it would be fun to bunk and go rafting!

We reached gangtok at around 4. We plopped down on the bed as soon as we checked in the hotel. The hotel was right on M.G garg - the place reminded me of thangal bazar (or is it paona bazar where PC jain is located? i am geographically challenged) and after 4, no vehicle is allowed to enter and you have people strolling about till about 10 in the night ( i know this because i kept peeping out from the window to check if any living thing was moving on the road below - this because a colleague told me that everything shuts down after 7 - he was so wrong).

We went exploring and found Lall bazar nearby and much to our delight we saw hanggam being sold!! We went about in a trance exploring all the veggies - some familiar veggie making us coo in delight. And i nearly flew straight to heaven seeing hawai tharak (peas) - such beautiful fat pods!! And the thabis (cucumber) - my, my i have never seen such big luscious ones. Of course, there were other things on sale - from lingerie to crockery to knives to tops from thailand.

We bought some knick knacks and decided to call it a day as the next day was planned for sightseeing. We were to start from 7 in the morning (this is one part i hate about travelling, that i have to get up early).

back to base

Back to work - to my corner cubicle, to the world of code and bugs. Sikkim was good for my soul.But a bit hard on my body!Right now, i am nursing a about-to-be-sore
throat and a nose that threatens to run. Allah, the soul is willing but the body is weak!

i was asked to stay back home and not come to office as i must be tired.(Didn't i tell you that my project is the best?!) Anyway, the stubborn pig i am, i decided to come to work and now, i am half drowsy and feel like i am going to be sick. This is what happens to people like me who would never listen to good counsel.

If i stay alive till tomorrow, i Will write about the trip in detail.

off to sikkim....

Somehow managed to get everything arranged. Will be leaving for Sikkim tonight. Hope to have a revitalizing weekend!

door art - II

This is the door leading to the balcony.

door art - I

This is the door leading to my sister's room. Yet to give the finishing touches to the other doors.

shopping frenzy

Now shopping is not of my favourite chores - well, someone who associates shopping with chore, that says it all. Tomorrow being a holiday, i decided to play traunt today. Chema is visiting us so i thought i would go shopping with her. On an hot April afternoon. At the end of the day, after buying everything from tops to shoes and everything in between, it was all i could do to drag myself+the heavy bags home. i am glad i survived.

i think basically i don't have the patience for shopping. In fact, i don't have any patience left in my cookie jar for anything. How does one cultivate patience? i keep reminding myself that there would be an end to everything, no matter how unpleasant. Sometimes that works. Sometimes i blow my lid. i guess i need anger management lessons too. But this i must say for myself, i am a much better person than what i was, say 5 years back. Or when i was a kid.

i have finished painting two doors. Painting is cathartic. So is scribbling. i think i will post the pictures after all. Just to have the plesaure of having some kind soul say how nice they are!!! An inflated ego like mine needs constant refilling! M came over with her parents the other day and she thought i had hired someone to do the doors! Gee, i was so damn flattered....

This is the second time i am blogging from the comfort of my messy bed! Which explains why i am groggy with sleep. Because it is past my bedtime - they call me cinderella back in the states because i refuse to stay up after 12, unless it is to read books. G'night.