Hmm

Did not have the zeal to post anything. 

The weight dropped. He came back and so did the pounds.

What have I been upto?

We went to a trip to Thailand - there is nothing like the joys of doing nothing but just sitting back and seeing life pass by.

And I am now a certified first aid giver. Hooray. I can now do CPR, mouth to mouth... I feel great.

Have been toying with the idea of writing a book based on the elf and getting tda to illustrate. That would be so fun.

Have not been feeling very well - I think my borderline asthma is trying to cross over. Sigh.

Have not done anything crafty in quite a while. Which will change soon. He is going away (again, yes, again) tomorrow. And this time I want to get the book done. Amen.

Just another post...

And I have been gone for so long. My mother and sister came and went. And left me behind with a paunch I could hardly bear to look at - what with all the eating.

So now I am on a diet! So I have cereal with yoghurt for lunch - enough to make enough who knows me gasp in wonder I guess! I even bought green tea - what is wrong with me?! And I am exercising - even if it is for a paltry 15 minutes.

After a week, I am happy to say my tummy is presentable again. So much do that I keep looking at the mirror - such vanity!

I am trying my hand at making plush toys. Made a dino for the elf. Now I am making toothless - the night fury for him!

On a cold war with him - have not spoken to him for a week. It helps he is not here - I can ignore his mails and phone.

Again..,

Between making flowers, reading, juggling work and home, I seem to have lost touch with the blog.

He left yesterday for another stint away from us. Luckily, my mother and sister are coming over so I shall not starve.

I hate goodbyes. It brings out the weepy me in me. Not that I wept but I was sad...how I way I could be consoled like the elf for whom a bribe of a book is enough to wash away anything.

I am planning to sell my flowers at flea markets. I think they are good enough - it might be my biased opinion. But there is no harm in trying. At least I will have something to look forward to when I retire.

I leave you with some flowers I made...

Going on a holiday

Last minute, as usual. Going for 4 days to Bintan. Just need a break from everything. Taking a book along. Have been too busy making flowers to post - the house resembles a garden now with flowers sticking out from every corner. Maybe the craze will last till the crepe paper and coffee filters last. See you.

Quote...unquote

I thought when love for you die, I should die. It is dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.

           --Rupert Brooke

How true. How true. I have about 9% battery left on this phone -- while I furiously type trying to get out the thoughts before the battery die....or I die...it is 1:13 in the night or morning or whatever you call it. Sleep, my best ally, eludes me...I read inane articles to kill the hours, to tempt sleep to come and take me away to dreamland - where maybe I would dream of long forgotten loves and pretend that love is forever. 

He has the refuge of drowning his sorrows in whatever he is drinking. I, on the other hand, have neither tears nor wine that could drown me..

I am tired. Very. All I can think is there are  so many places where I could be right now, maybe making a difference, however little in someone's else life..maybe I could be cleaning the public toilets in some far away land...or planting rice in Bali...or catching fish in eh..wherever...,I could be a slut wandering somewhere selling herself to feed her baby...I am going mad.,no, I am already mad...

I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I want LSD...anything....

I need to pee ---the other day someone in office was scandalized because I told him I need to pee. I told him mate he should join k, t and me for lunch one day and listen to the stuff we talk...

I seriously need to pee.....bye...

Thoughts

The Imphal trip - I don't know what to write...I had fun...I just do not have it in me to write about in details now..

Life has been busy. On wed,C got sick in the office and we had to take her to the hospital. We waited some two hours for her to see a doctor in A&E. Then she got hospitalized and had her appendix removed. 

It all makes you realize how fragile life is - one moment everything is shining and the next, everything crumbles.

We had a fallout and here I am sulking on my own. It is at times like this that I wish I was on my own...just by myself..to get stoned and drift..aimlessly from one day to the next...without having to worry about ties and responsibilities and such shit.

I am angry, smouldering ... Sometimes, i wonder why I ever thought we could make it what with the differences between our beliefs and ideas. I just want to chuck up everything and sulk away to some far away place where I could be alone, all by myself, with my dark thoughts for company.....

Love is, when you really think about it, highly overrated. You can live without it too. And maybe just as happier...

I have not unpacked my art stuffs. I need to take out my angst on something...it is a good thing I don't drink. I am sure I would be a raging alcoholic if I had been one because I so want to drown out everything...I am pathetic...

Where do I see myself even one year down the line? I don't know...I have no ambition when it comes to my career. As long as the money is good, I will prostitute my mind and time...and use the dough to buy myself stuffs to stuff the emptiness inside..but do I feel empty? I am in a limbo...I seriously need to have my ass kicked to make me wake up, to get me out of this stupor...

Oh well, I will go and cook chicken...such is the meaning of my life...whatever..

Moving, moving, moved..

The move is over - I am tired of moving houses. It has made me think of buying a place here. But the price of houses here is enough to make faint - even if I take loan, I would have to make a down payment of an obscene amount, the kind money I can only dream about.

There are still boxes left to be unpacked. It is amazing how much stuff you can accumulate in two years. The elf has close to three boxes of books - imagine. I have about one box. My art supplies is enough to fill up a box. And the kitchen stuffs - we have enough to feed ourselves if ever there was a famine. And enough gadgets to make me wonder what possibly possessed us when we bought those stuffs.

I am tired - bone tired. I need to grow roots and settle down. I need a place I can call home...the gypsy in me is sobbing...

 

Back and flying again

So we are back from Imphal - had a great time (that warrants another post) and we are packing our bags again to fly back tomorrow night.

Been shopping for books and other stuffs. I do the reverse of what I used to do in US when I first went there - currency conversion in my head from ruper to dollar - and I go 'oh this is just 1 dollar..oh this is less than 10 dollars...we spent 6k in starmark and when I told my sister, I think she almost went into shock - I have a stingy sister, anything worth more than 10 rupee makes her hesitate!! -but I told her it is just over 100 dollars..the joys of earning in dollars and spending in rupees-priceless.

The end result is that we might touch the 90 kgs limit. While on weight limit, I was so sad when we weighed our bags at home and found we were about 10 kgs below our total allowed weight of 45 kgs. So I went to the market and bought two cauliflowers - I know I am silly. In the end, after putting in this and that and what nots, when our bags were weighed in the airport, we were over the weight limit by almost 2 kgs. Luckily we were not asked to pay extra otherwise I would have dug out the cauliflowers and asked the lady at the counter to have them for dinner. I am very thoughtful that way...

I will write in detail about the yaosang trip...later..I need to pack now...

On the way home

Here I am, waiting to board the plane to take me home. This is the first time I am flying with the elf alone...and hopefully, we will not end up tearing each others hair out... I have the book from C to keep me company...

See you on the other side

Homeward bound

After a lot of changing my mind, I have decided to go home. To Imphal. For yaosang. 

It would be after ages that I would be enjoying yaosang at home. I am half excited, half anxious. I hope the elf would take to it. Or he could turn up his snobbish nose and say it is too noisy.

I think I have found my calling - glass tiles. It is something so easy but the end results leave me happy. 

Now, if only I could find a decent supplier  then I could seriously think about selling my craft. Just like C tells me to do every time she sees me make something. Too bad it would not pay enough as this job does. One day. Some day.

Roses

Running...

Because I am quite dumb, I went ahead and registered for the company sponsored 5.6 km run. Now how am I ever going to complete it? Maybe if I crawled, I might get there before midnight. 

i have no idea how I got myself into it. Maybe it was like I wanted to see how far I can push myself at this age - i am swear my lungs will collapse before I hit 1km. 

I have been making roses and roses - cutting out the shapes is the hard part. I still cannot get floral tape - I know it is there at Art Friend but it is so bloody far away. I think I will sneak away at lunch time tomorrow. I just got to have floral tape and yes, I need to blow some money on useless stuffs I buy that gather dust and mock me and my very short attention span. I have been flitting from one craft to another like a promiscuous butterfly. I have been meaning to start resin but it is so expensive it makes me want to bawl my heart out.

I so want to go home for Yaosang. I cannot remember when was the last time I was there. In fact, I cannot remember when was the last time I was in Imphal. It must be more than an year. Do I miss it? I don't know - it is like I have forced myself not to think anymore about the place I grew up, the place I want so much to pick itself up from the misery it wallows in now. But how can I forget the blue skies, the stars I loved to gaze on dark nights, the way time seems to crawl over there...how can I forget the river that runs past my house? How can I forget the soil that still clings to my roots that I have tried to uproot.. how can I ever forget...and how can I ever go back? I am now too much a slave to my needs to want to live there..but I so want the elf to spend at least one Yaosang there - 

Well, he mailed, called up and I had to talk to him. How I hate the way he always is the better person...I could hold on to a tiff till I die I suppose because I am the kind who will deny themselves the good things in life just because ... I don't know what I am writing about....

I need to sleep...

Back to form

After a long gap, my creative juice is oozing!! I made this from coffee filter using the instructions from Martha Stewart's website.

It is raining....

After what seems like about a month with no rain, it is raining now. Good for the plants. I spied three or four baby tomatoes and two winged beans and was pleasantly surprised. I thought all my watering was going to waste. 

Had a fight with him yesterday. I guess I was spoiling for one. Maybe because I hate it that he is away. I am coping OK - have been trying to keep the elf busy - taking him to plays and exhibitions and such. Took him to the chingay parade yesterday and, as usual, I ended up enjoying more than him. I suppose  a time will come when he will refuse to go with a mother who behaves like a 5 year old herself. 

Been reading. Cleaning the basins and sinks. I always clean sinks after I fight with him. maybe it cleanses my soul.

In another hour, would be taking the elf for the Lego movie and eat out. 

As we were returning home, I thought about how safe I feel here in Singapore. It was after 11 in the night and we walked from the bus stand without a care. I have never felt safer anywhere than I do here. I would scared stiff to take a cab or walk outside this late back in India. Whatever you say about Singapore being sterile, I find this place worming its way into my heart. This is the place I would like up the elf to grow up - with me safe in the knowledge that there are no school shootings or  people out to grab him.

I will not be the one to mend this fight - well I never am the one. I have too big an ego - an ego that would one day be the end of me. 

I am so flawed - a bad daughter, wife and mother..but is that all that defines me? I am a flawed human - all the worse because I  am aware of it and still would not change a thing. Let me go and eat some pineapple tarts....what ???

All of my creative juice has apparently been exhausted. So I have a bag of felt, clay and stuffs dying on me. I have not created a single thing for so long it makes my heart ache. My life seems to play out in phases. A bit like the moon waning a d waxing. And filled with mood craters of the kind that would leave you gasping for release.

I have lost weight - no thanks to the smoothies I never drank. I have been surviving on quinoa and the occasional rice and curry. It is no fun cooking for myself.

I completed two years here. Two years. It is scary how fast time flies. And I have nothing to show for it. I still have not written the book I keep telling I would write. I remain a fat caterpillar, moody and bitter. No sign of a butterfly anywhere in me. Do you suppose too much tarts can make one depressed. I need to eat dosa or thosai as they call it here.

At least I know my 1-10 in Chinese. Though I still cannot use the chopsticks in spite of the lessons my two lunch companions give me. 

Done.

....

The elf and I went to a garage sale and got some books for him.

And I have been sneezing - I hate this. I felt a bit feverish in the afternoon. I cannot afford to be sick when I am all alone with the elf. Fucking body of mine. Cannot figure out why I keep getting sick, yeah, I know.. I don't take good care of it, that is why..but I bought the fruit, remember? And never ate them...

I just need to pop in a lemolate and get this fricking body up and running because I promised to take the elf on a show tomorrow. 

I need to sleep.....and hope the night does its magic on me and I will be my cheerfully grumpy self in the morning..

....

The day went off well enough. But the evening saw me blowing my lid off at my mother. I love her, yes, I do but sometimes when I say something to chastise her, she goes like ' I will never say anything again. You people can do whatever you like. I have no say...'.

That makes my blood boil. I mean, why can't she just listen to the rationale behind what I am saying instead of thinking i am attacking her? I was so pissed off ...

I am a bad daughter, I guess. But sometimes, I want her to not look at the negative side and not go on harping on what anyone is saying. I want her to realize that it just does not matter.

I think I will call up and maybe just say to take care. I am also at the age when I do not want to spend a night knowing I must have hurt her.  

On a bright side, the elf likes the quinoa fried 'rice'. So we have had it for dinner two nights straight! 

One of the guys doubled over in laughter when T told him I have been told that I am overweight by the doctor. It is now the butt of Tjoke. If I eat anything he tells me I should not be eating as I am overweight.

12

The elf and I have made a habit of going to the park. He scooters around in a circle while I pedal like mad on the stationary cycle.

The good thing about Singapore is that you find exercise equipments at the park. Basic equipments but still, better than nothing.

 My eating healthy phase is slowly fading! As expected. I still have avocado, grapefruit and pineapple, not to mention the green apples and bananas, hidden away in the fridge. I am so f&$&&& lazy.

11

It is a beautiful life - if only we could open our eyes to it.

10

Who would have ever thought I would start eating healthy or at least try? The elf and I went to the supermarket and bought fruits and quinoa seeds..a miracle...

I bought all the fruits and stuff for the smoothie but I am actually getting lazy - trust me to do exactly that. But I had quinoa for lunch and a green apple so nothing is in vain, I suppose. And I even drank two glasses of water after I got up. Gulp! I feel like I am straying off the nice bad path I do love trotting along.

Maybe I will get around to the smoothie...maybe I will end up wearing a bikini the next time we go on a holiday --as if!! 

Now to undo all the good work, I am off to eat canned mackerel curry with Hawaizar ametpa...what more could a girl ask?

9

Went for a play with the elf- it was funny in parts but not quite upto the mark. I expected better..

We dropped into bras basah complex to search for books. I am happy the elf has turned out like me when it comes to books. He has a collection of books that puts mine to shame! And he is constantly hankering for books and books. Makes me poor heart all aglow..

Books are so expensive here that it makes me want to cry. I can never forget the ecstatic moment when I found a garage sale with nice books going for 1$! I would have brought all if not for him giving me hints that it was getting a bit too much out of hands. 

I bought three books - I am in the middle of so many books. Is this what old age does to you- make you start a book and not see through to the end? Or maybe if it does not grip me by my neurons, I find it hard to finish a book these days. Oh I am growing old...

I have not baked or visited my clay stuffs since he came back. Maybe I should start again.

I think I like my new hair style - it makes me look less frumpy. Vain bitch that I am.

8

Too tired to think of anything to wrte. Went to see a place for rent. Much to my surprise, it was nice. Now waiting to see if the landlord accepts our offer.

7

I am officially overweight. I went for my health screening review and the doctor said I can lose 1.6 kgs to have a good BMI. I told everyone who cared to listen at work and they laughed as if it was the best joke of the year.

Apart from that, despite me over eating and not moving a muscle, I seem to be in good shape. No cholesterol issue, good liver, kidney. No sugar. 

I came home, stripped down to my undies and weighed myself and the weight was more than 3 kgs less than what was in the report. Either their scale is defective or my jeans and jacket weigh too much. T-da said if I told anyone in FC they will laugh me off.

The elf and I are doing good. Fingers crossed.

T-da and I ate fruit for lunch. The kiwi was too sour so he got me some salt. I realized with salt, kiwi is tasty... I have been told to eat more fibre. And fruit. And drink more water. Not anything new that I didn't know of before.

Had my pap smear. It is not much fun I tell you. Neither is someone inserting something up your ass to check for piles. Neither is exposing yourself to a complete stranger.

 

6

He has left... Parting pangs again...I hope I can make it...,

The elf and I have made plans to watch the kidfest theatre festival. We hope to keep ourselves entertained that way..and watch the Lego movie and maybe run off to Bintan for a weekend...

I had French toast for dinner! I will start my smoothie diet from next week.

I have my doctor review tomorrow and the pap smear. 

And the house hunting drama starts again as the lease expires in March. I wish I was rich enough to buy a house and forget all about rent and lease and all that. 

I need to start the clay thingy again...and bake maybe..and write...

5

This time tomorrow we would have said our byes. As much as I hate it, I know he needs to do it. So here I am, trying to  be strong. I don't know how I will manage but manage I have to.

I will miss him. Oh how I will miss him....

4

Took stuffed chicken wings prepared by him and everyone said it was delicious. And everyone was amazed to think that he gave me the haircut!  Am I a lucky girl or what???

3

He gave me a haircut. And dyed my hair with henna for me. Isn't he the best? I hate long hair - he likes long hair. But I have never had the patience to grow it. Long hair makes me grumpy because I think I look horrible - so much for my claims that I am not vain. But I am, I am.

I had gone without dyeing my hair for about maybe 6 months and I was beginning to resemble a old hag - which I am. I had streak of grey hair which I thought I would continue to show off. But vanity won and I got him to dye it for me. I think I will just shear off everything. 

2

OK , here I am. Survived the 6 o clock meeting with grace ! 

Got a new phone iPhone 5s for him as I renewed my contract. 

Got the passport photos for the elf whose passport has to be renewed. He is excited that he will have two passports like we do!

Ate at TimHoWan at Bedok Mall. We had to wait in a queue - the sitting arrangement is not so classy like din tai fung but the food is good. I liked the baked bun with pork and the dumplings which had peanuts- peanuts make me go nuts!

We are going to Chinatown to attend the inauguration of the Chinese new year celebrations. Hope it does not rain and hope we do make it on time considering that the two of them are still enjoying their evening siesta.

Changed the shorts at Uniglo to get another one which I hope I would wear instead of it ending up with all the hibernating clothes I buy but never wear. 

What else? Hmmm... Nothing

1

The first post of this trial run where I will try to blog everyday..

Let's see how I fare...

Work is a bitch right now what with all the stuff I have to complete and I have a meeting at 6 in the morning tomorrow. Wtf.

He leaves on the 15th and it will be a trial by fire for me as I try to juggle everything alone. I can only hope I can cope with grace.

I am gaining weight and I feel like I will burst at the seams though no one seems to believe when I tell them. I have decided to live on smoothies for the rest of my life...ok, at least for lunch. At least I will be ingesting fruit which I don't now. That way, at the next holiday I can at least slip into a swimsuit and not feel like I am a whale in human disguise.

I need to buy new shoes. Done for today. Phew.

Back

After a week of no work and all play, I am back to reality. Bali was good and we had fun. Got sunburned from playing around. It rained for the first two days but we had fun pottering around in our ponchos!

Cannot wait for another vacation! How I wish life was one long vacation...

I am trying to be more regular and hopefully post every day. I am posting this as I stand in the bus going back home.

K related a story of his 'traumatic' experience of a female trying to seduce him in a party and it had me in fits!