Morality

 I was trying to understand why my lack of anger was getting to me. I think it is because somewhere in my mind, i equate the lack of anger as condoning what he has done. But i do not condone it - on my moral compass, i find it repulsive. I would have thought the fact that i find it repulsive would make me angry. And in my head, i found myself judging him.

But as the thoughts swirled around, i found myself asking what is morality? Should i judge everyone by my moral compass or judge only my own actions? If i judge him by my moral compass, doesn’t it mean i am foisting my sense of morality on him? Maybe what is repulsive to me is justifiable on his moral compass? What do i get by judging his actions just because it hurt and repulsed me? The same deed when weighed on different moral scales would register different weights in terms of right and wrong. 

In the overall scheme of life, how does all this matter? Just because he chose to do something that i have never, even in my wildest dreams, thought he could do, should i condemn his character? Yes, i feel sad that he did not turn out to be the person i thought he was - but then, is it his fault if i thought him to be something he was not? If his love for me was not enough to have stopped him, is that my problem or his?

There is nothing like old fashioned heartbreak like this to turn one into a pseudo philosopher. 

Love or something like it

 Love. One word around which revolves so much joy and pain. When the one you love slams the door on your face, does your love shatter? Is love so ephemeral? Does love rely on it being reciprocated to thrive? Why cannot love be just by itself? Why does it have to be give and take?

I cannot find it in me to loathe him. I know there can never be that connection with him again. But i know i want him to be happy, i want to see him smile…and i think to myself, maybe that is what love is, this desire to protect him from any hurt, this desire to see a smile on his lips even if it is at the expense of my tears.

My hurt is my own. It does not have to take away from the love i feel for him, despite everything that has happened. And that is that…

It is what it is

When a heart breaks, is it the end of the world? When your world shatters without prior notice (as if the universe would care enough to warn you), do you give yourself time to curl up and marinate in your tears or do you shrug off the pain and crawl forward?

I have been gobbling articles on stoicism - like a drowning person clutching at something to keep afloat. The philosophy resonates with me - the beauty of knowing that there are some things beyond our control and what we can control is how we react to those things. It hurts but it is what it is. The world still goes on, i still need to pee (what??), still need to eat…

Understanding that nothing is permanent in life, that all things good or bad will come to an end, this pain i am struggling with right now will fade into a dull ache and then into nothingness. 

I am also struggling with my lack of anger…would it have helped if i was angry at him? Would the fire of anger burn the pain - just like you would burn down the stubble before you plant again? Or have i realised the truth that it just is not worth it. I cannot control what someone says or does. I can only control what i can do or not do.

It is difficult coming to terms with the end of something that i thought was for keeps. Maybe that is the mistake we all make - of thinking that things/relationships are permanent. What is here today might be gone tomorrow. 

Sometimes, this calm inside me scares me because this is not how i thought i would have reacted if someone pulled the rug from under my feet. I keep thinking -am i in shock, when would the reactions kick in, when would the bitterness seep in, when would anger raise its head and sting me. 

Am i hurt? Oh yes…Does it pain? Oh, it does. But inside me, i know i will heal, that i will forgive him and myself and move on to do the things i was meant to do…

I don’t know if i am making any sense, even to myself. Right now, i just wish to close my eyes, open them and find i am sitting there under the skies on the dunes of the Sahara, drinking in the beauty of the stars, preferably all alone. 

They say the best revenge is living well. But revenge has such a negative connotation. Why would i want to avenge myself? But yes, i want to be able to live well. I want to be wise enough to use this as a learning and become a better person. God knows i have made mistakes galore and maybe what happened is the manifestation of all the mistakes i/we made. But i want to be able to forgive myself for all the times i have hurt him, i want to be able to forgive him for all the times i let him hurt me.  

This too shall pass…

Am i supposed to be angry? I am confused by my complete lack of anger - i keep waiting for it to strike. Am i in denial? No, i am not. Am i in shock? Maybe i am…

But is it possible that i have chosen the moral high ground, that i am being stoic? I have no control over what someone says or does. I have no control over what has happened. But i do have control over how i react, over my actions. Am i hurt? Oh yes, i am. Do i want to hurt back? No, i don’t. I do not see the wisdom in it. 

Love - this thing over which thousand and one poems have been written, films made, lives destroyed, lives redeemed. What is it? When i say i love someone, do i mean i love that person only if he/she loves me back? What if love is simply wanting the best for the one you love? It should not matter whether he is happy with someone else, as long as he is happy. Am i being too cheesy? But that is what i feel right now. I do not want to hurt back, i do not want to fling accusations…i refuse to paint myself as a victim. 

I have always been so hot-headed, ready to hurt back when hurt. Maybe this is the one lesson in life that this relationship has left me - that i can always be a better version of myself.

I forgive myself, i forgive him - we loved and we hurt each other. When it is time to part, i want to do that with a smile. 

I know i have to grieve over this, to bury it with the dignity it deserves, wipe off my tears and pick up the pieces. Sometimes, a broken thing does not have to be ugly. Life is what we make of it. Maybe it will take time…but get up, i will. One day….

The beginning of the end

i read somewhere that you never know how you are really going to react until you are really in the situation. A bomb was dropped on me today - even in my worst nightmare, i had never imagined something like this would happen. It felt like something was ripped out of me - i don't know whether i am still in shock and how i am reacting is really how i am feeling. But i did read somewhere that when you are under the greatest strain, what comes out of you is what you are really made of. It is the beginning of the end of something i thought would last forever. But forever is i guess a long time. i guess if you really love someone, you want them to be happy - with or without you. And maybe that is all that counts. i would have liked some warning at least of the storm to come so i could have prepared myself.But maybe sometimes, what you need is to see yourself when you are least prepared. So that you know what you experience, how you react is the whole raw truth. i am scared, i feel numb. i feel like i have no idea what is going on. But, in all the numbness, what i feel is some sort of calm. Life goes on, it has to. Sometimes, things are not meant to be. Sometimes, when shit happens, all you need to do is not let the stink get to you. i hope for strength to be able to carry on, to forgive, to be able to be happy for him. This is the begininng of the end - and the end of a chapter. i choose to close with grace and dignity.