but why???

i am definitely going crazy. i don't know why i am picking up fights with him. Is it the distance between us? Is it guilt that i am not there by his side? i don't know...But i find myself empty of words when i call him up. i don't know what to say. And he - i don't blame him - loses his cool. What is wrong with me?

The day started off pretty well. Caught up with an old friend on the net. Finished a book. i drifted off to sleep in the evening and woke up and danced! i practised my salsa steps in front of the mirror and was pleasantly surprised to learn that i have not forgotten the moves. Then the marathon phone calls - my sister and i yapping about everything under the sun. Then my parents. And then his family. And when it came to him, i clammed up.

Why? Why? i have always been the talkative one in this relationship. He is the silent brooding type. And all of a sudden, i just don't feel like telling him anything. This is scary. And when he needs me the most, i seem to be receding into my shell. i am evil.

i don't know. i think it is guilt. That i am not there with him now. And to assuage my guilt, what do i do? Of course, i make it harder for him by refusing to talk. Where do you still get malicious being like me anymore? If i had any sense, i would try to make it easier for him by being my normal self. But no, i have to complicate everything. i have to make him lose his cool. i am sorry, honey. But sorry is such a convenient word, isn't it? i know the pain you are going through...and i wish to be your pillar of support...i just don't seem to know how to go about it...

i hope i will be a better person...but that seems like a long way off...