i am definitely going crazy. i don't know why i am picking up fights with him. Is it the distance between us? Is it guilt that i am not there by his side? i don't know...But i find myself empty of words when i call him up. i don't know what to say. And he - i don't blame him - loses his cool. What is wrong with me?
The day started off pretty well. Caught up with an old friend on the net. Finished a book. i drifted off to sleep in the evening and woke up and danced! i practised my salsa steps in front of the mirror and was pleasantly surprised to learn that i have not forgotten the moves. Then the marathon phone calls - my sister and i yapping about everything under the sun. Then my parents. And then his family. And when it came to him, i clammed up.
Why? Why? i have always been the talkative one in this relationship. He is the silent brooding type. And all of a sudden, i just don't feel like telling him anything. This is scary. And when he needs me the most, i seem to be receding into my shell. i am evil.
i don't know. i think it is guilt. That i am not there with him now. And to assuage my guilt, what do i do? Of course, i make it harder for him by refusing to talk. Where do you still get malicious being like me anymore? If i had any sense, i would try to make it easier for him by being my normal self. But no, i have to complicate everything. i have to make him lose his cool. i am sorry, honey. But sorry is such a convenient word, isn't it? i know the pain you are going through...and i wish to be your pillar of support...i just don't seem to know how to go about it...
i hope i will be a better person...but that seems like a long way off...
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Cogito, ergo sum
- gypsy
- My motto: "Primum viveri deinde philosophari" - Live before you philosophize
..my yesterdays...
- ► 2008 (135)
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3 comments:
Being away and alone in a far away place always affect any relation.It's always hard to stand against time and distance. My phone bill also shows that I'm very lonely inside. i hate this feeling of weakness but, this is truth.
It's high time that you retrospect and instrospect all your decision of being in the relation when you start hiding things from him.
There is a saying : "Relation are mean to give you happiness. If you try to hold any relation then it'll start hurting you."
But, still hoping that what I said is not true in your case.
Being away and alone in a far away place always affect any relation.It's always hard to stand against time and distance. My phone bill also shows that I'm very lonely inside. i hate this feeling of weakness but, this is truth.
It's high time that you retrospect and instrospect all your decision of being in the relation when you start hiding things from him.
There is a saying : "Relation are mean to give you happiness. If you try to hold any relation then it'll start hurting you."
But, still hoping that what I said is not true in your case.
Well, i never said i was hiding things from him. It was more like i zipping up, which is different. Guilt is an emotion i am not too familiar with so i guess i am at a loss to handle it.
And yes, what you said is not true in my case!
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