I was trying to understand why my lack of anger was getting to me. I think it is because somewhere in my mind, i equate the lack of anger as condoning what he has done. But i do not condone it - on my moral compass, i find it repulsive. I would have thought the fact that i find it repulsive would make me angry. And in my head, i found myself judging him.
But as the thoughts swirled around, i found myself asking what is morality? Should i judge everyone by my moral compass or judge only my own actions? If i judge him by my moral compass, doesn’t it mean i am foisting my sense of morality on him? Maybe what is repulsive to me is justifiable on his moral compass? What do i get by judging his actions just because it hurt and repulsed me? The same deed when weighed on different moral scales would register different weights in terms of right and wrong.
In the overall scheme of life, how does all this matter? Just because he chose to do something that i have never, even in my wildest dreams, thought he could do, should i condemn his character? Yes, i feel sad that he did not turn out to be the person i thought he was - but then, is it his fault if i thought him to be something he was not? If his love for me was not enough to have stopped him, is that my problem or his?
There is nothing like old fashioned heartbreak like this to turn one into a pseudo philosopher.
