His father is visiting us. And i guess that is making my mother worry. Yesterday, she told me " Don't make faces when he says anything you don't like. Behave nicely, treat him well. Don't behave the way you do at home.". i was like " stop it, stop it. Why are you telling me all this? ". And she told me she knows me too well - that i would sulk if anyone said anything. Oh ema. i told her i will go and start throwing the pots and pans.
My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.
This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.
i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.
There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".
Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.
Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.
Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.
Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.
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10 comments:
A very tough one, i don't even think there are any right/ wrong approaches.
I guess all depends on who the opposite person is. If its that odd college mate or that odd office colleague, maybe it does not matter whether you give them the sugar coated or the bitter pill.
But with someone more important (to yr partner definitely if not you), I kinda approach agree with what yr mom has to say. Because there are too many people (all or some of whom) are impt to you - and hence you do need to get your kid gloves on... and lie about yr feelings. Because, there are some relationships bigger than our feelings.
My 2-bits, and I am sure you may not agree!
Oh and yes, I do know you have the maturity to use the speak/ sulk part; the only problem is, some folks might see it as a sign of immaturity!!
@matter:
nd right you are – i don’t quite agree with you.
Maybe it is because i have always been this way but i just cannot disguise my feelings. i mean,. even if i kept quite it would show on my face. My sister says i don’t need to say anything – anyone can read it on my face.
i feel like i am being untrue to myself if i have to nod and say yes to something i don’t agree with. Relationships are about feelings. If i have to lie about my feelings, what good is that relationship to me? To be true to others, i feel I have to be true to my feelings first.
It is not that i take perverse pleasure in hurting people. My intentions are never that. All i ask is that people respect my need to express my feelings rather than expect me to nod like a dumb cow and be a yes-woman.
Am i even making sense to you, i wonder.
Absolutely, I have zero doubt regarding the intentions being noble and to be honest.
What I am saying is a bit like a White Lie, its only about being diplomatic. But, don't do it for folks that don't matter, or don't much matter.
Do it (only) for the people who matter to you, or the people who matter to the people who matter to you. Because there are (a very) few relationships in the world that are important enough to sacrifice some principles you may strongly believe in.
Umm, now I wonder if I make sense!
@matter: i am scratching my head now – and it is not because of dandruff!!
i do tell white lies – but i just, just cannot lie about my feelings. My feelings have a will of their own. Through words or actions or expressions, they will make themselves known. And people who matter to me have accepted that – well, most of them.
The truth is that i don’t want to change this trait of mine – it is what makes me “me”.
True enough, if its something you cannot get yourself to do, despite all logic, you should not do it..
Better peace of mind than not..
am so with you on this. even i hate to tell ppl otherwise. if i don't like them, i don't like them.
period. and yes, it has ALWAYS been an issue with my family, my friends too. esp my mom :P hehe kahani ghar ghar ki. :P
tc girl..u rock, and hell with whatever they say :P
@rain: So right! Thanks - at least there is somebody who feels the same!
You take care too.
hey im a gypsy my vitsa is costello ther the best out of all gypsys so idk why u r even taling about us?u have no right 2
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