in the dark...

The one feature about i-Phone i like is “Sketches”. i spent the weekend “sketching” and quite loved the outcome.

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to smile.

i so wish i can exorcise the demons inside me. These feelings that claw at my innards, making me bleed, these ties that smother.

i pretend i am so strong. If only you could see me cry when the lights go off.

All questions no answer

My life is in limbo or whatever they call the state when you feel nothing. i am numb like someone applied an ice-pack on my brain or something. i seem to be sleepwalking through life. Everything is in a haze.

What is this feeling that overtakes me every now and then? A feeling i cannot seem to describe – of being lost in a known place, of not knowing the answers to what seems the simplest of questions on existence. i am here, in flesh and blood but i do not feel alive.

What does it take to live and not just exist? What does it take to rejuvenate old wings to take to the sky again? What does it take to wipe the dust off the dreams? What does it take not to ask too many questions?

:}

i am about to die of gluttony. Went out for lunch with SM, SC, T-da and P-da. SM is in town and this was a return-treat, a treat to wipe the slate clean of all the treats he has been giving us.

i should not have over-eaten. But i guess i am a pig – on top of being a bitch. All i need is now a pen where i can roll around in mud and squeak to my heart’s delight.

i feel like depression is in the air – i can feel it now like some people can sense approaching rain! i am in no mood to do anything. All i want to do is lie down in some corner, curl up and maybe fade away with the sunset.

Is it a scientific fact that the moon can influence on our moods? Ema says with the waxing and waning of the moon, i go mad. Maybe i was a rock on the moon in my previous birth.

i wish i were a vulture right now so i could snoop down and tear people to pieces. i think i am a psychopath with manic depression.

week-ending update

Yipeeeeeeeeeeeee! i won 200 Rs. worth of gift coupon in the tambola for Diwali held in the office today! Now i am eagerly awaiting the next event in November which is Word Power – which should be fun and easy; i would die of wounded pride if i don’t win it –so i can win more coupons and buy myself that recipe book.

It is so fun winning coupons!! One junior told me it is really commendable that i get a prize in almost all the events!

In the elevator yesterday, i noticed that SC, P-da and i wear the same pair of shoes everyday! We agreed that we are very poor people who cannot afford to have more than one pair of shoes – that too scuffed ones! Given my feet size and that i only wear flat shoes – not even the trace of a heel- i can hardly find any shoes i like. Plus it cannot be glittery in any way - it has to be plain and flat! Given my petite size, you would think i would wear heels/platforms but i shun them. Because at the end of the day, when i step down from those things, well, my height would be the same and i don’t want to have back problems later on. i cannot decide whether it is my vanity that makes me think i don’t need any adornment/embellishment. i feel that i look good just the way i am – no make-up, no jewellery. Just me in the skin i was born in. Hell, even my eyebrows are not threaded because i cannot figure out the logic/beauty of having perfectly arched eyebrows! Did i just hear somehow gasping in shock at this revelation?!

i think i am simply not bothered with how i look -well, most of the times. Sometimes i do behave a bit more human and care about how i look! Like when i go for the events – because my photo would be published on the intranet when i win!! Hee hee…

the devil in me

i don’t know how people manage to be so kind and generous all the time or at least make a pretence of it. He is that type – always trying to be nice to everyone. What did we ever see in each other, i wonder? Was it the we-complement each other factor given that we are as different as different can be. Or did we expect to mould the other to our ideas and ideals?

i think i do not have an ounce of niceness in me. The only time i am nice is when i want to be – does that count as niceness? i would never go out of my way to be nice to anyone. In fact, i suspect i go out of my way not to be nice. For me, i come first. Which is what vexes him and pretty much everyone associated with me. My philosophy is simple “ If i am not happy, i can never be able to make anyone else happy.”. Maybe twisted logic but then, i am twisted.

Do i plan to change? No, because i do not see anything wrong in it. My nature is such that if i am unhappy, i just cannot think of anyone else.

Maybe as i ripen (as if i am a papaya!), i might see the other side of the coin and become more human. Or maybe i will become worse with time and age. Pretty much like a spoilt papaya.

Like i say “Bhalo howar jono onek log royeche. Ami baje hote chai” (There are so many people who are good. i want to be bad.). i want to be evil.