week-ending update

Yipeeeeeeeeeeeee! i won 200 Rs. worth of gift coupon in the tambola for Diwali held in the office today! Now i am eagerly awaiting the next event in November which is Word Power – which should be fun and easy; i would die of wounded pride if i don’t win it –so i can win more coupons and buy myself that recipe book.

It is so fun winning coupons!! One junior told me it is really commendable that i get a prize in almost all the events!

In the elevator yesterday, i noticed that SC, P-da and i wear the same pair of shoes everyday! We agreed that we are very poor people who cannot afford to have more than one pair of shoes – that too scuffed ones! Given my feet size and that i only wear flat shoes – not even the trace of a heel- i can hardly find any shoes i like. Plus it cannot be glittery in any way - it has to be plain and flat! Given my petite size, you would think i would wear heels/platforms but i shun them. Because at the end of the day, when i step down from those things, well, my height would be the same and i don’t want to have back problems later on. i cannot decide whether it is my vanity that makes me think i don’t need any adornment/embellishment. i feel that i look good just the way i am – no make-up, no jewellery. Just me in the skin i was born in. Hell, even my eyebrows are not threaded because i cannot figure out the logic/beauty of having perfectly arched eyebrows! Did i just hear somehow gasping in shock at this revelation?!

i think i am simply not bothered with how i look -well, most of the times. Sometimes i do behave a bit more human and care about how i look! Like when i go for the events – because my photo would be published on the intranet when i win!! Hee hee…

the devil in me

i don’t know how people manage to be so kind and generous all the time or at least make a pretence of it. He is that type – always trying to be nice to everyone. What did we ever see in each other, i wonder? Was it the we-complement each other factor given that we are as different as different can be. Or did we expect to mould the other to our ideas and ideals?

i think i do not have an ounce of niceness in me. The only time i am nice is when i want to be – does that count as niceness? i would never go out of my way to be nice to anyone. In fact, i suspect i go out of my way not to be nice. For me, i come first. Which is what vexes him and pretty much everyone associated with me. My philosophy is simple “ If i am not happy, i can never be able to make anyone else happy.”. Maybe twisted logic but then, i am twisted.

Do i plan to change? No, because i do not see anything wrong in it. My nature is such that if i am unhappy, i just cannot think of anyone else.

Maybe as i ripen (as if i am a papaya!), i might see the other side of the coin and become more human. Or maybe i will become worse with time and age. Pretty much like a spoilt papaya.

Like i say “Bhalo howar jono onek log royeche. Ami baje hote chai” (There are so many people who are good. i want to be bad.). i want to be evil.

----

i don’t want to love you
And yet, i cannot let go

This web we have spun
With threads of love and lust
Threatens to smother us

With love, we stepped into each other’s lives
With vows and promises never to be kept
As the mist lifts
And our sights clear
We face each other
With undisguised animosity
Trying to suppress the love that lies beneath

We wound with words
We wound with silence

We pretend to sleep
As we both toss and turn
In our own private hell

.....

This is the unfinished door to my bedroom in my flat, or as SC insists, my sister’s flat now that i don’t stay there anymore. This is the proof to what my sister assessment that i can never finish a job! Which is true. i get all enthusiastic about a project, will give it my all till i get bored. i had completed 4 door paintings and this was the last one i took up. Halfway through, i just lost the zeal. So now it stands as a living proof to the Jill-of-all-trades-mistress-of-none person that i am.

on wants/needs

Attended my first “Management Team” meeting yesterday. And realized how much more shit i have to deal with. Having to sit through 1 ½ hr long presentation, trying to make sense of it all – the business forecast, the ramp-up, the projects in pipeline. What did i get myself into? i am happier coding, (mis)guiding kids, playing the bully than listening to all theory-no practice preaching.

Which makes me think i am not ambitious at all. i am too laid back. Or maybe my priorities are different. If i ask myself what really i want in life, i know it is not climbing up the corporate ladder. i love my work but i am not too concerned about where i am in the pecking order. i guess i must be the only one in the whole company who has never asked for a salary raise or a promotion!

The big question – what do i want in life? i know for sure what i don’t want but i am finding it difficult to specify what i really want. i want to be happy – but happiness is such a tricky state of mind. i can be happy with just a book. Am i happy now? Yes. Will i be happy tomorrow? Depends. Materialistically speaking, if i ask myself what i want, i cannot think of anything. i cannot understand why i am so uninterested in clothes, jewellery or anything of that sort. i am no sanyasi - i just cannot understand this streak in me. i just am not interested.

But i want to travel and travel, i want to sky-dive again. i want to learn new recipes. i want to start making my candles again. i want to learn pottery and glass-painting. i want to learn kung-fu. And most of all, i want to sleep.