help me, i am vanishing

Everyone keeps telling me how thin i have become...i could pass off for one of those anorexic models now if not for my height...And i have sprouted a bed of pimples on my forehead...as i look at myself in the mirror i cannot decide whether i am still beautiful.Was i ever beautiful? Always, like S would say...god, i am so shallow...i love myself...this really is a stupid post....i am out of my mind actually...i think i should stop here...

....

Yesterday saw me crying--sometimes life gets too much for me to understand. All my dreams, my plans, my hopes seem to tether at the edge of an abyss and i am undecided whether i want to go down along with them or watch impotently from the edge.

Maybe i am over-reacting, as always. Or maybe this time, i know i have to take the final step. It is tough. Well, nobody said life was going to be easy. i know i am going to be my own if i should take this step - i know i have to battle emotional blackmails, those back bitings...But when i think of it, i know i would be better off alone. i am not made of the stuff they expect me to be - i cannot sacrifice my life to ensure others' happiness. i am selfish and i am not ashamed of it.

Right now, i am ready to let go. Let go of the many years of love, of hurt, of tears, of smiles, of togetherness. Maybe i will never find a love like this again. But i know i will be able to survive. Life cannot take away from me that desire to live, no matter how rough it treats me.

i think he realises that i am half-gone. Physically, i am present here but emotionally, i am light years away. If he chooses the path he is thinking of right now, i am not going to accompany him along it. That much i have decided. i don't care whether people call me a slut. i would rather be a slut than to blindly follow someone just because i happen to love him.

Too many people interfering with our lives. Too many people ready with unsolicited advices. i only hope he comes to his senses before he loses me for good.

love...

Love does not mean i have to agree with everything you say. It does not mean i have to accept every decision you make. It does not mean i have to follow your path knowing it is the wrong one.

Having chosen you out of the millions does not mean i cannot 'un-choose' you. Having come this far together does not mean our paths cannot diverge now. Having loved you so long does not mean i cannot let go of you. A broken heart does not scare me any more.

Love - it does not mean anything to me right now.

no...

This is for "Me in Love". In a post on her blog she wrote about "saying no" and whether she is not a victim if she cannot say no.

Fortunately for me, inspite of being a woman who also happens to be a "chinky", i have not faced many situations where i have felt "scared". Maybe it has to do with the place - maybe the people here are a decent lot.

But i am sure if i were to face a situation where i am being stalked, i would be petrified. But if you ask me, a "no" does not need to be vocal - it does not have to be a single syllable shouted out in fear. A guy who is forcing himself on someone would know from your reaction that it is a 'no', right? It is OK to be scared, it is OK to be confused. Not being able to mouth a 'no' does not mean you are condoning his actions. He would know from your reactions that it is a "NO" - loud and clear.

The only experiences i have had with pests are in public buses - and i avoid them like the plague. When i find a guy slithering up to me, i say in my coldest voice loud enough for everyone around me to hear " Could you please stand a bit further away/could you please stand decently?". It has worked for me everytime. Maybe it has to do with my ice cold stare and voice - so says my sister!!

But lonely roads and late nights - it is a scary situation. Human beings are the scariest creatures because they are so cruel without a cause. Take care, brishti ( that is bengali for rain) and remember that it is not your fault ever.

N.B.: My state of mind (and stomach) being such that coherent thinking is a bit beyond me, i don't know whether my rambling would make sense. Hope it helped. btw, i am not a strong girl - only someone who has pretended to be strong for so long that it has become almost a mask i cannot take off even if i wanted - the tragedy is almost comic!

home no more

it seems wrong to feel this way. But i feel i cannot stay here in imphal for good. There was a time when i wished i could be at home and not flit in and out like a butterfly. Now, i feel like a stranger. i feel like a traitor but i feel i am not myself here. There are too many do's and don'ts here. And my soul cannot take it anymore. i love this place - this is the place where i grew up, the place where my roots are. But somehow, i feel i need to fly away. Pretty much like a fledging leaving the nest - i guess it feels the same. The attachment is there but not that strong to stop the wings from flapping and taking to the sky.

i have stayed away from home too long to let my roots find a place here again. i can't put a finger on what has changed in me or my home town to make me to feel this way. i think i am a nomad now. i cannot feel at home anywhere. i just want to move on from one place to the next before my roots can find peace.

There is a profound sense of sadness inside me. Maybe i have not grieved enough. i feel lost right now. i feel guilty at times that i don't feel sad enough, that i can still laugh. Contradictory emotions.

Does death has this effect on everyone? i feel like drained of everything now. And i am so easily irritated now that even my mother threatened to stop visiting me. i want to sever all ties. i want to be alone. All by myself. So that i never have to go through the pain of losing anyone. i know i am a coward. i always was. But i don't care. i love running away. i am a runaway gypsy.

Where i take my final breath, would that be the home i am searching for?