i am in office right now after rushing here from the airport to get the laptop so i can work from home for the coming two weeks. The flight got delayed...i read some 100 pages of "One hundred Years of solitude". This book is being treated very much like a delicacy - i partake it in tiny morsels because i am scared it would get over...
i am hungry and tired.
i will be flying back on saturday. God, i feel like a lost bird.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
help me, i am vanishing
Everyone keeps telling me how thin i have become...i could pass off for one of those anorexic models now if not for my height...And i have sprouted a bed of pimples on my forehead...as i look at myself in the mirror i cannot decide whether i am still beautiful.Was i ever beautiful? Always, like S would say...god, i am so shallow...i love myself...this really is a stupid post....i am out of my mind actually...i think i should stop here...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
....
Yesterday saw me crying--sometimes life gets too much for me to understand. All my dreams, my plans, my hopes seem to tether at the edge of an abyss and i am undecided whether i want to go down along with them or watch impotently from the edge.
Maybe i am over-reacting, as always. Or maybe this time, i know i have to take the final step. It is tough. Well, nobody said life was going to be easy. i know i am going to be my own if i should take this step - i know i have to battle emotional blackmails, those back bitings...But when i think of it, i know i would be better off alone. i am not made of the stuff they expect me to be - i cannot sacrifice my life to ensure others' happiness. i am selfish and i am not ashamed of it.
Right now, i am ready to let go. Let go of the many years of love, of hurt, of tears, of smiles, of togetherness. Maybe i will never find a love like this again. But i know i will be able to survive. Life cannot take away from me that desire to live, no matter how rough it treats me.
i think he realises that i am half-gone. Physically, i am present here but emotionally, i am light years away. If he chooses the path he is thinking of right now, i am not going to accompany him along it. That much i have decided. i don't care whether people call me a slut. i would rather be a slut than to blindly follow someone just because i happen to love him.
Too many people interfering with our lives. Too many people ready with unsolicited advices. i only hope he comes to his senses before he loses me for good.
Maybe i am over-reacting, as always. Or maybe this time, i know i have to take the final step. It is tough. Well, nobody said life was going to be easy. i know i am going to be my own if i should take this step - i know i have to battle emotional blackmails, those back bitings...But when i think of it, i know i would be better off alone. i am not made of the stuff they expect me to be - i cannot sacrifice my life to ensure others' happiness. i am selfish and i am not ashamed of it.
Right now, i am ready to let go. Let go of the many years of love, of hurt, of tears, of smiles, of togetherness. Maybe i will never find a love like this again. But i know i will be able to survive. Life cannot take away from me that desire to live, no matter how rough it treats me.
i think he realises that i am half-gone. Physically, i am present here but emotionally, i am light years away. If he chooses the path he is thinking of right now, i am not going to accompany him along it. That much i have decided. i don't care whether people call me a slut. i would rather be a slut than to blindly follow someone just because i happen to love him.
Too many people interfering with our lives. Too many people ready with unsolicited advices. i only hope he comes to his senses before he loses me for good.
Monday, April 21, 2008
love...
Love does not mean i have to agree with everything you say. It does not mean i have to accept every decision you make. It does not mean i have to follow your path knowing it is the wrong one.
Having chosen you out of the millions does not mean i cannot 'un-choose' you. Having come this far together does not mean our paths cannot diverge now. Having loved you so long does not mean i cannot let go of you. A broken heart does not scare me any more.
Love - it does not mean anything to me right now.
Having chosen you out of the millions does not mean i cannot 'un-choose' you. Having come this far together does not mean our paths cannot diverge now. Having loved you so long does not mean i cannot let go of you. A broken heart does not scare me any more.
Love - it does not mean anything to me right now.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
no...
This is for "Me in Love". In a post on her blog she wrote about "saying no" and whether she is not a victim if she cannot say no.
Fortunately for me, inspite of being a woman who also happens to be a "chinky", i have not faced many situations where i have felt "scared". Maybe it has to do with the place - maybe the people here are a decent lot.
But i am sure if i were to face a situation where i am being stalked, i would be petrified. But if you ask me, a "no" does not need to be vocal - it does not have to be a single syllable shouted out in fear. A guy who is forcing himself on someone would know from your reaction that it is a 'no', right? It is OK to be scared, it is OK to be confused. Not being able to mouth a 'no' does not mean you are condoning his actions. He would know from your reactions that it is a "NO" - loud and clear.
The only experiences i have had with pests are in public buses - and i avoid them like the plague. When i find a guy slithering up to me, i say in my coldest voice loud enough for everyone around me to hear " Could you please stand a bit further away/could you please stand decently?". It has worked for me everytime. Maybe it has to do with my ice cold stare and voice - so says my sister!!
But lonely roads and late nights - it is a scary situation. Human beings are the scariest creatures because they are so cruel without a cause. Take care, brishti ( that is bengali for rain) and remember that it is not your fault ever.
N.B.: My state of mind (and stomach) being such that coherent thinking is a bit beyond me, i don't know whether my rambling would make sense. Hope it helped. btw, i am not a strong girl - only someone who has pretended to be strong for so long that it has become almost a mask i cannot take off even if i wanted - the tragedy is almost comic!
Fortunately for me, inspite of being a woman who also happens to be a "chinky", i have not faced many situations where i have felt "scared". Maybe it has to do with the place - maybe the people here are a decent lot.
But i am sure if i were to face a situation where i am being stalked, i would be petrified. But if you ask me, a "no" does not need to be vocal - it does not have to be a single syllable shouted out in fear. A guy who is forcing himself on someone would know from your reaction that it is a 'no', right? It is OK to be scared, it is OK to be confused. Not being able to mouth a 'no' does not mean you are condoning his actions. He would know from your reactions that it is a "NO" - loud and clear.
The only experiences i have had with pests are in public buses - and i avoid them like the plague. When i find a guy slithering up to me, i say in my coldest voice loud enough for everyone around me to hear " Could you please stand a bit further away/could you please stand decently?". It has worked for me everytime. Maybe it has to do with my ice cold stare and voice - so says my sister!!
But lonely roads and late nights - it is a scary situation. Human beings are the scariest creatures because they are so cruel without a cause. Take care, brishti ( that is bengali for rain) and remember that it is not your fault ever.
N.B.: My state of mind (and stomach) being such that coherent thinking is a bit beyond me, i don't know whether my rambling would make sense. Hope it helped. btw, i am not a strong girl - only someone who has pretended to be strong for so long that it has become almost a mask i cannot take off even if i wanted - the tragedy is almost comic!
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