one last post

..just could not resist cribbing one last time before this year ends.

OK, so one more year gone..makes you wonder why anyone bothered to have this whole concept of year (i know, i know but please, please let me let off my steam at something)..And now, there will be fireworks and drinks and drunks all welcoming another year that will only bring misery to people like me who just cannot open their eyes to the good things in their life but will continue counting their woes.

i am working from home and getting paid in pounds - heck, i deserve at least something to smile about, not that getting paid for slogging your ass off is not something to smile about. Maybe it is since i do not slog my ass but still manage to get the work of two people done. Yes, i am so low that i am actually blowing my trumpet because there is nobody else to do it for me. i don't even know what i am writing.

For someone who used to fall asleep when her head hits the pillow, i find i am awake for what seems like ages before sleep claims me. Which is so fucking irritating. Yes, i am swearing. My mouth, my blog - i will sully them when i like. God, what is wrong with me? Anyways, i hate it when i find i am awake when i would rather be in dreamland because that is the only time when i can escape life's cruelty. Is life cruel or do i make it cruel? Oh shut up, not on the last day of the year. Stop being such a psuedo philosopher and just be the bitch you are. Yes, i am talking to myself. Please shoot me.

i realised that there is something therapeutic about scrubbing the toilet. Yes. And as i furiously scrubbed, i thought of how more meaningful my life would have been if i had become a municipal sweeper or a public toilet cleaner. i mean, i would have really done something that would have made a difference to lives - clean toilets and roads. Just imagine. i think i would have been happier doing something menial instead of being stuck with a label of software consultant or whatever crap designation they foist on you. i wish to God i had less brain and more patience.

i need to cut my hair again - he loves it long but i hate looking after long hair - just once in my life did i get it to grow shoulder length. Never after that. And i will dye my hair mahogany this time in the hope that i become a tree. What crap do i write???

And i went to the market wearing mismatched sandals - one pink and one purple. Not intentionally. No one seemed to have noticed. Maybe they were too caught up with my uncombed hair to gaze down. What next?

Actually, i am having withdrawal symptoms for not having had my dose of jalebis.Blame this year-end ranting on sugar deprivation.

To another day that will end up just like today.

looking back

Just a few more days and this year would be gone too...and i wonder how fast the days flew. And it has left me still the same - imperfect, impatient, unkind, bitchy...

Still have not found the answers to the questions that clutter my mind. And i have no hope of finding them - many some things are best not found (whatever that means).

Life saddens me...i drift away from all i love..slowly, sleathily...and the worse thing is i don't care...maybe that is my way of dealing with life - running away. Oh well, i have always been a coward.

i dream of being alone - all by myself. Maybe because i know every bond that ties would hurt when it breaks, which it will one day or the other. And i have failed to realise that is not the way to live life. Or maybe i realise it but i am too scared. Oh hell, why i am running around in circles chasing my tail at the end of the year???

A colleague wrote to say she hopes the new year will be kind to me. Can life ever be kind?? i wonder....And on that note, i bid this year goodbye. But not before saying that i am ungrateful for not counting the good things in my life and cribbing and crying about the bad things. There i go again.....

i need to write..but nothing is in my head....or rather, everything is in my head but nothing comes out...

Is it cruel of me to wish away all bonds - every relation i have held close, every love i have treasured ?? But i feel this way now....i just to cut loose all bonds...i just want to be by myself...would i bleed less then? would these dark thoughts be bleached ? would my mind find peace ? would the dark demons in me die in their sleep then?

What do i want? what do i long more?

....

Have not blogged for so long that i had even forgotten my password and had to recover it! Oh life and the challenges it throw at us. You want to ask why, why, why....and there is no answer...It is like the Budha asking the woman who wanted her son to be brought back to life to find a house that has not witnessed death. But, still you cannot help but wonder whether life is unfair.

i have no desire to be in touch with anyone, not even myself. Life is a haze right now, from one day to the next...and the hardest thing is that he is not here with me - at least it would have been nice to have a shoulder to lean on at times when life gets too much to bear.

Sometimes i just want to drift off...renounce everyone and everything and just float away on my own. Would it be nice not having any ties tying you down, no love to make you bleed ?

What is life? This pain i see, the sufferings ? Sometimes you just fail to see the whole point of life...Or maybe it is just me not able to see things for what they are...i don't know...i don't want to know....

i would like to drown in my own tears but knowing life i just might end up with a bloated stomach full of tears..whatever....

And i find i am angry with the whole world - how dare anyone be living and enjoying while i am not ? Why do i have to go through this baptism by fire every other year - of seeing a loved one fight a losing battle ? WHY ME? why me? why me? i am such a coward....and a whiner...and a loser...

And i am getting addicted to jalebis, of all things. i would have preferred lsd but jalebis are a fine subsitute...Did i mention that i am losing my mind? i also dyed my hair burgundy but the pity is only the grey ones picked up the colour so i have a crown of black and burgundy hair - the things people do to run away from misery. Next you will see me with my hair dyed pink.

...

there are times in life when i wish i had in me to believe in something divine so i could hope for a miracle. But the concept of God was invented for less cynical people who have in their hearts the innocence and ignorance to trust that life is governed by the whims and will of some divine creature.

i only have in me the belief in the strength of the mind...but would it last?

Backward progress

While the world moves on, the place I call home progresses backward at a pace that would shame thevproverbial hare. Everytime I call up home I am left depressed at the way things are. Ema said gas cylinders sell at about 2k - what the fuck? And people now cook using firewood or charcoal. Wow, that is progress for us. Soon enough we will go back to the stone ages and maybe start eating everything raw. There is absolutely no hope or desire left in me to go back to the place where my roots are.

Once upon a time, I did think of a future where Imphal featured - of going back home to where I supposedly belong. But now, disgust is all I feel. Because I am so fucking helpless to help my loved ones - my parents would never agree to leaving Imphal for good and money is not going to buy safety or a peaceful existence there.

Once upon a time, there was a place I called home. But now, it is just a name that gives me heartache because I know nothing is going to change. We would slide into the abyss,dragging everything along. Whether we will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix - only time will tell. But we need to burn ourselves before that- get rid of the scums that have inherited Manipur. While other scums like me shed tears and watch from across the ocean.

I feel rootless now - free to pick and choose where I supplant them. But traces of the soil in which I took my first step would always cling to, will always taunt me for deserting it, will always tug at my heartstrings.

not yet dead

don't write me off because i am still alive - why, don't ask me.

Life has been busy - one day merging into next and the next. And nothing to show for it.

Work - yes, the new place - not new anymore now that i have spent two months there. i was not prepared for the coldness welcoming me - apparently we replaced two people in the team all because of management policy and that did not go down too well with the team. i could understand their antagonism. But, i am glad that in the two months, i have been able to break down barriers and even feel welcome. Not that i want to be miss-popular or anything but it is nice to be appreciated for your good work. So there, i crossed another hurdle. Hurray for the smart one!!

And i found out how much i hate accounting. Now that i have my own company i am supposed to maintain an account of my expenses and all that bull shit. i absolutely hate it. i think there is nothing worse than trying to keep track of where your money goes - i just cannot do it. My sister is so good at it. But i do not even know how and where it goes and i am not too bothered unless of course i go bankrupt - which i just might.

Oh wait, did i say that on my birthday i got the one thing i have been lusting for - now, no dirty thoughts - i got an iMac pro. Yes, the mac i keep mooning about - the only material thing after books i long for. He got his brother-in-law to get it from US and ship it. Wasn't that sweet of him? But, as with all things, now that i have it, i don't use it. i guess i just wanted to have it just for the sake of having it. But i do love the look of it. Yes, i should use it more often. And i should blog too.

Life sucks

I am depressed, suppressed, oppressed and whatever-pressed. Funny how life sucks the little
goodness out of you. Or rather I suck the goodness out of life. Either way, it sucks.
Would be joining next tuesday. Not too excited - even though officially I am now the CEO of an one man company- how pathetic is that? But I need the dough- don't we all?

Moved to new place - found it not cleaned professionally as promised. Chased the agent like
a bitch in heat for a week. Washing machine not working so washing clothes with my own hands after nearly a decade - how spoiled and snobbish I am becoming.

Need to buy new shoes because I have been wearing the same pair for about an year now- yes, laugh at me, I am fashioned challenged so shoot me- and it has decided to desert me like everything else in life. I have two new pair of shoes lying unloved in the box but I don't want to wear them.

The apartment overlooks a river and I see ducks swimming - and can imagine them swimming in
gravy in my wok.

I am a horrible human being. I am so manipulative and needy at times. I cling when I should
not, I let go when I should hold tight. I trade tears for smiles and wallow in self pity.
I am also clinically depressed I think . And I desperately want to drown in a pool of LSD.

Please commit me to an asylum if you meet me.

Why did I post this crap?

this, that and everything in between

So i come out from hiding again. The weather has changed - no more dark clouds or white stuff taunting my eyes, reflecting my dark thoughts or blank mind. It is actually sunny outside.

We would be moving house again, to another town. After almost one year at this place. Will i miss it? Will this apartment miss me? i guess apartments on rent are like those ladies of the night - maybe they just move on, without getting their emotions entangled.

We went to view a place - the floor plan on the site made it look like it was as spacious as the one we are in right now. We stepped in and what the (*&^*, it is so tiny - it was one of those 'modern' apartments with open plan kitchen but with the lounge being so small, i could have cooked sitting on the sofa. Since we are really idiots, we had decided we would like the place, looking at the pictures on the net and didn't even fix any other viewings. He thought we could live with for 6 months and move on to a bigger one - the place is some 50 miles away and since we are pressed for time, it was just not possible to go view other apartments. So, i reluctantly said yes and could not digest my dinner that night. i told him maybe we should find some other place - he was annoyed - but in the end, he took time off from office and we have found another place - i still haven't seen it - it overlooks a river. For that alone, it would be worth it, i guess.

It is surprising how much stuff you can accumulate in one year - i have two boxes of books. Maybe he was hoping i would dump them but since we are using a moving van, well, he has no scoring point.

And guess what? i gave up my previous job - yes, the one i got last year - and without another job to fall back on. But then, i really had no choice. In a way, i was glad to let go of it. It was not a bad job - i learned new things - but it was too much like a job job. For the first time in my working life, i felt i was actually 'working'. Everybody was so professional - no leg pulling, no cursing colleagues - i felt like a monkey in a suit. That is what working 8 years in my previous company has done to me - i expect work to be fun, actually look forward to going to work..

The thought of applying for jobs made me cringe - i pretty much made up my mind to work at the tills in the local supermarket - if he was disappointed in my lack of ambition, he did not show it. And then, out of the blue, my previous company steps in like a knight in shining maruti and offered me a job. When i told my friend SN about it, she said i am so lucky.

This is actually what makes me so complacent - as if life was going to sort itself out without my intervention. i always go through life thinking things would always go my way, that if i make a wrong turn, the path will right itself. Someday, i am going to pay for it dearly.

And that is the reason we are moving because the job is in another town. i hope to be able to buy a Mac before the year runs out. Or maybe a cookbook with lots of pictures.

BTW, i have inherited the iPhone from him because he got himself one of the new one - 3gs or whatever they call it. i am half ashamed to be seen with a iPhone - i was happier with my cellotaped-almost-falling-apart Nokia 1100, the one i could only use for making/receiving calls and the rare SMS. This one, with its myriad functions, makes me feel sad. It is like giving a dog a diamond necklace when it rather would have an old rubber ball.

you make me smile

You, who make my world complete, who can wipe away my sorrows with just a smile, who can brighten my world...And just for you, i want to be a better person so i can deserve you. i love you, my baby.

Extramarital affair a criminal offence?

Last week, i read an article on e-pao about a couple being thrown into jail for having an extramarital affair. Now, my legal knowledge is not that sound but still, is extramarital affair considered a criminal offence in the eyes of the law?

No, i don't condone such affairs because i believe in the sanctity of the marriage vows but i don't agree with the idea that erring couples should be locked up. After all, we are talking about two consenting adults and not under-aged kids swayed by abundance of hormones. It might not be morally right and can be a ground for divorce, but to incarcerate them? i wonder under which act they were booked under.

Contrast this to the unnerving silence of the custodians of law when it comes to mobs destroying houses of people accused of crime which, going by the news on e-pao, seems to be becoming a regular event in the hell that Manipur has become. i never read anything about the police clamping down on these people who have scant regard for the rights of other people whose only crime is they are related to the accused. We have our priorities all mixed up, i tell you.

the games we played...

The other day, my sister and i were reminiscing about the games we used to play as kids and how sad it is that they are getting forgotten and would be lost to the next generation.

i was lucky to grow up with a considerable number of playmates in the guise of cousins and siblings. And oh, the games we played - chagai chongbi (the Manipuri version of hopscotch), khulokpi, marum konbi, churup upu, lai phadhibi, chak thongbi, keku lotpi, rangita, swa, amaangbi, utong lakpi, marbles, ludo...

If i ask my younger cousins if they know how to play marum konbi, i know i will get blank stares. Now, it is Mario and other video games. That or watching Ben10 and other cartoons on TV.

i particularly miss playing marbles because, in my younger days, i was a marble champion. i still have marbles stored away under my bed in my old water bottles back in Imphal (well, at least the last time i checked). In fact, when i was young, i thought of making a will (i got the idea of 'wills' from the story books) describing how many marbles should go to each of my siblings and some favourite cousins, the number changing with moods!

i still remember the near-perfectly straight line of marbles lined up, the thrill when you hit the one at the arrowhead (and thus getting all the marbles), the way we used to mutter 'burumbi kangsoi' whenever someone was about to throw a curse to make their aim go awry, the sneaking away in the middle of the game to deposit some marbles when on a winning spree (because the unwritten rule was you could not quit when you are winning so as to give the losers a chance to win back their marbles, the exception being if the tone of the mother calling you to stop playing and do your homework reached the limit beyond which a bashing was guaranteed), begging the winner to please, please lend some marbles when you end up losing everything so you could play the next round, the counting of the marbles at the end of the day, calculating how many you have lost or won, trying to coax the owner of a lucky 'laaga' (the marble used for throwing) to give it in exchange for 10 'ordinary' marbles....

i continued playing marbles even during the vacations when i went home in my college days, much to my parents' embarrassment who could not understand how a grown girl could still jump and shriek with joy playing marbles with kids young enough to call me 'mother'.

How i wish the games of my childhood were still played today. How it saddens me to know that they will fade away, replaced by mindless video games and cartoons. And how lucky i am to have at least experienced it all...

Fly away, my thoughts....

Even though i have a more than abundant supply of books now, thanks to freecycle, i had another attack of the blues. It was more 'the blacks' than the blues. Do i make sense? No. But then, no one expects me to, least of all, myself.

Sometimes, it is scary how my thoughts hold me at ransom. They go on a rampage, pulling down the shutters on my smiles, zipping up my lips, painting a mist on my eyes. Am i one of those suffering from 'manic depression'? Or maybe i am a hypochondriac? Or maybe, i am just mad, sad or bad?

i keep thinking about, what else but my pet topic, the meaning of life. Is there a meaning to all of this? What use is money, position or whatever that we hanker for in life? i would just be as happy in a village growing cauliflowers as i would be sitting in a cubicle writing lines of code that could/would break or be eaten by bugs, maybe happier. What do i want in life? Why do i worry about things that don't need to be worried about? Why do i search for meanings in the clouds above, in the dead leaves that flutter down? Why can't i find happiness in the ordinary things that people revel in?

How quickly the years pass by. It scares me knowing i will die one day without having found any answers to the questions that gnaw away at the back of my mind. So many years feeding these thoughts and still, they refuse to be appeased. They ask me "But, is that the meaning of life? Is this what you are searching for?". They refused to be fooled.

Oh, how i so wanted to be a butterfly but i know i will die a caterpillar. Now, that is a truth, if ever there was one.

Buzz off!

When i signed in to my gmail account yesterday, i saw this 'buzz' thingy. Thought it was just one of those 'making-life-better- things they try to promote from time to time. Yes, i am technologically challenged and have the least idea what is happening in the world of technology, so sue me.

Anyway, i saw this "buzz' thing right under my inbox and when i clicked on it, horror of horrors, what do i see but i am 'following' all the people in my chat list and am being followed! Did they ask me whether i wanted to follow someone? Nay. Did they ask me whether i wanted someone to follow me? Nah. Unless, of course, i missed out on something. Now, given my intense dislike for anything that says 'networking', i started biting my nails, trying to figure out how to get rid of my 'followers' and my 'followees'. i 'unfollowed' every single one of the people i was supposed to be following but i could not see anyway to getting rid of my 'followers'. Yes, i am dumb but i already know that so stop reminding me.

Anyway, i did the smart thing and googled to find a way to get this thing to buzz off. And turns out, it is really simple. All i had to do was scroll down to the bottom of the page and there it was 'Turn buzz off'. i was saved and google was forgiven.

Dreams...

The sand castles i build
On the seashore of my life

One by one
They tumble
Swept away
By the heartless waves of my acrid tears

My dreams call out to me
As they drown
While i stand
Shackled and helpless

Angered, perhaps, by my impotence
They mock at me
In their dying breaths
"Why dream
If you do not have the courage?
Why paint our wings so bright
If you cannot make us fly?"

Alone, i stand
By the corpses of my dreams
And watch in silence
As the vultures feed on them

Memories

Memories of you
Lodged in a corner of my heart

i pay them infrequent visits
Sometimes, they embrace me heartily
And we talk fondly of old times

Sometimes, they greet me
With muted displeasure
For not visiting them often enough
And serve me tea laced with tears

Sometimes, i arrive at their abode
And find them sitting stone faced
Gathered around a fellow memory
That passed away in the loneliness of the night
Uncared for, un-remembered

The brazen young ones ask me at times
If it was true
That i once was so fertile
And would come by every day
With young memories bundled up with love
Born just the other day
i pretend not to hear them
Or see the silencing looks
The older ones throw at them

As i take my leave
Pretending there are other places to visit
Some wistfully whisper as they hug me
'i might not be around the next time you come'
i glibly lie
'Oh you will outlive me"

And as i walk past the graveyard
Where the souls of dead memories lie
Turning and tossing and longing
To be remembered and brought back to life
i silently mark the empty site
Where i will bury the next one

Salvation

After a weekend 'harvesting' books for free, i have now a cardboard box overflowing with books. Though i cannot imagine it now, i turned down some books because i could not so many books. The freecycler i went to collect the book from on Sunday was disappointed (and irritated too though i was too elated to notice it!) that i did not take all the books. C'mon, there were about 10 boxes of books and there was no place we could have stored them. Plus not all the books were up my aisle. In my haste to choose the books (he could not find a parking place and wanted me to hurry up), i even picked up a book in an unknown language (only discovered it after i came home)!

And i am happy to say my pride could survive taking things for free! Now if only i could get the generosity to give things away. Maybe, maybe one of these days....

Hang on, help is on the way...

i am going to meet up tomorrow with a fellow freecycler to swap books. Book swapping - how exciting is that?! i think it would beat wife-swapping or husband-swapping or whatever swapping that goes on in this world.

It is a bit out of character for me to part with my books. i cling on to my books - even tattered ones - like a drunk to his/her bottle. But when i was offered books in answer to my 'Wanted' request, i thought it was only fair to offer the books i have lying around. Some of them are quite cherished books but i thought this was a start. One step at a time to free myself of worldly attachments. i could not, however, part with some books - one given to me by a junior before i left the previous company (i came in to work, saw this book propped up against my desktop. Opened it and saw the inscription inside and was touched almost to the point of tears.), another that i bought with the vouchers i won at the various competitions in my previous company and two that he bought for me from a book sale at his work place.

And then, there is Sunday when i will go to pick up another load of books from a freecycler's place. i did offer him some books in return but he declined.

It is going to rain books this weekend. And i am going to have days of hangover. There is no intoxication like written words.

Drifting again

i finished the last book two days back and now, my thoughts are on a rampage. My mind is on the loose, thoughts spilling out from every neuron and colliding with each other, thoughts meeting other thoughts and spawning new thoughts, thoughts dying, thoughts crushed in the rush, loud thoughts, soft-spoken thoughts, evil thoughts, angry thoughts, happy thoughts..

Books...i need books like an addict needs his dope.

Where does the road go from here?

We find ourselves, yet again, on another crossroad - you wonder how many crossroads there ought to be in one's life. Unsure about the future, about where our best interests lie.

i am getting old. i find i want to give my roots and suitcases a rest for a while. But, the gypsy-ness (i made up that word) in me still exists and i want to try new places, see new faces, make new enemies, taste new food. i am a confused bitch, if ever there was one.

What is they say about consoling oneself with the thought that whatever happens, happens for the best? Do they say the same in Haiti? Where are my thoughts leading to? Why do i digress like stray dogs (do dogs digress?)?

Anyway, here we are unsure, of what tomorrow will bring. Of course, some day i will look back and say 'oh, it all happened for the best'. A door slams in your face and we believe another one will open. We are so damn gullible! When a door slams shut, maybe all other doors follow suit. Maybe doors are like most human beings who will always follow the lead of the other. But maybe we will find a rogue door like myself that will force itself open just because others are shut. For that door we wait.

And i know i will never be able to handle disappointments gracefully. i will always sulk, for a while at least, before i gather my wits and think of other ways out. i believe i will sulk even after i am dead. If you see a sulking ghost, disappointed maybe with how people cried over my death or something silly like that, well, it would be my ghost.

Freecycling

No, it is not cycling for free! i came across this wonderful network when i was searching for books that i could buy cheap and an article suggested i could try this network.

i quote from the site: "The Freecycle Network™ is made up of 4,880 groups with 6,926,000 members across the globe. It's a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It's all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills."

Now, my motive for joining the network was less about saving the environment and more about getting books - and books i can never resist. And free books, that is like dangling a piece of meat before a famished bitch, i mean dog! i searched the group i have joined to see if any books were on offer. There were but they had all been snapped up. So i waited and watched, parked in front of my inbox eagerly waiting for any mail with book in the subject. i finally got one and i replied and got an answer in the positive. It was mentioned i would need a car when i go to collect the books which made my heart sing because it means there are many books. i asked him, very nicely, if he could please drive me to get the books. He said yes. And so, this Sunday we are going to go get the books. i cannot wait for Sunday.

i come from a family of hoarders. My sister hoards clothes like she would be asked to clothe the whole of Ethiopia someday. My mother hoards polythene bags. i hoard books and memories. i have always found it hard to give up things - you think maybe you will need it someday and that day never comes but you still keep it, forgotten in some corner, gathering dust. Once a year, i used to tame the hoarding genes and give away my clothes to the maid. But that was all.

Looking at people offering things because they don't need them anymore and they want someone else to use them instead of holding on to them, i find it motivating. i do have the hang-up of small-minded people of turning my nose up at hand-me-downs (but not when it comes to books!). It is so refreshing to see people offering all kinds of things (clothes, tea bags, TV, et etc) and people taking them without any reservation.

i hope to shed the false pride and take something on offer if i need it. i also hope to murder my hoarding genes and offer things i no longer need so somebody else can put better use to it.

If you find a group in your city, join it. If you have something you don't need anymore, offer it to someone who would be grateful to give it a new home. If you find something on offer that you need, have no qualms about taking it.

The site is freecycle.org.

Ram Ram Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay. Not on the list of my favourite personalities. But i like Hell's kitchen and Kitchen nightmares where he is the knight in shining apron, helping floundering restaurants get a fresh lease of life. But i don't like the fact that he peppers almost every sentence with the F word. It gets very tiring after a while.

As a part of the ongoing 'Indian Winter' on Channel 4, Gordon is on a culinary journey to India. And he took a break from the tried and tested touristy destinations and went to the North East - more precisely to Assam and Nagaland. We watched the 'north east' episode yesterday night. He went hunting in Nagaland and ate pork with dried bamboo shoots and venison. He went fishing in Assam and tried some Assamese fish delicacy.

i was hoping to see him visit Manipur. But hard luck. Maybe he heard we are a trigger happy society with a fondness for 'outsiders'.

Though i still hate his swearing, i like the fact that he is not afraid of trying out new things. i also like the fact that he seems to have only two t-shirts in the wardrobe he brought to India - blue and pink.

The rat in me....

The weather is depressing as ever. The trees look gaunt and gloomy - bare branches and twigs not even interested in swaying. It is warm and comfy inside with the heater cranked up. More snow is on the way they say. i love snow.

The class boycott is finally over. The agitators gave in without their demands being met - so you want to ask them what exactly made them give in. It surely was not love for the students - hell, they made them suffer for so many months. Did they get paid off? Don't get me wrong. i am happy it is finally over. But, you seethe at those bastards who burned schools, held the future of the thousands of children at ransom, at their fucking talks of 'life is more precious than education' and now, it seems money is more important than life. They are scum. And i hate the fact that we let them continue with their dirty games. We are a people past redemption. We have let these parasites suck all the goodness out of Manipur. It is just an empty shell now, waiting for the final collapse. Where else would you find such accommodating people like us who would not even manage a whimper against the atrocities committed on us by our own people?

This impotent rage, of knowing that no matter how much you rave and rant, spit and spew, curse and swear, beg and plead - nothing will save us. We just want to wallow in self-pity, wage wars against ourselves, sell our future to the highest bidder.

And, we like rats, will desert this sinking ship. We will transplant ourselves to foreign land, watch snow flakes dance, eat and drink and curse all and sundry. While our parents and family organise their lives around the schedule of power cuts and bandhs. We will call up long distance and hear their weary voices telling us they are going to bed early because the light has gone out again and the inverter has run low because there was no light yesterday too.

And this was the land where i grew up, happy and giggly. The land i left hoping to be back someday. But, the roots are drying up, the wings gathering dust in the corner. And i, i sip hot tea and watch snow flakes dance by the window while my motherland slowly chokes to death. i am a rat and i hate sinking ships. Am i any better than those i curse?

The year that was

It was a good year for me. It saw me finally being able to cut the umblical cord and bid farewell to a company that had been my cherished home for more than eight years, to relinguish my position as the resident hag. It saw me welcome someone into my life and who has now become the light of my world. It saw me shift base to a land of gloomy weather. It saw me start doing something i have always wanted to, for a change.

The year flew on wings and ended even before i noticed it what with my preoccupation with life. i am still short of patience, still haunted by dark thoughts, still a long way from being perfect. But i live with the undying hope that tomorrow will always dawn for me.

i hope to be able to write more this year, to shake off the ennui that settles on my mind every now and then and to live like tomorrow will never dawn for me. Amen