nostalgia and other dark thoughts

Home. The other day i pined for home. i am not the overtly nostalgic type. But when nostalgia attacks me, i am left reeling.

Home -open space, blue skies, Ema’s kitchen garden, the peaceful silence peppered with the singing of birds and the chattering of my little cousins, watching the birds fly home with my head on my mother’s lap, the lazy, unhurried meals with my family. Where the moments linger to catch a breath.

The home i knew – would it still be the same now that i am not the same anymore?

My home. My family. And thousand of miles away, here i am searching for meanings that just might not exist, chasing rainbows that lead to nowhere, with people i know and yet do not know.

And yet, the path to home has overgrown with thorns. i do not have the strength or will to cut through it and go back.

Here i am, with my nest in another world. The wings that brought me here would not flap to take me back. i have emerged from the cocoon – to still find myself a caterpillar.

Suddenly, i am so tired. Of this life. Of the meaning that eludes me. Of mundane worries that crease my forehead and crumple my sleep. i am tired of fighting - To defend my beliefs, my truths, my dreams. i want to let go – to let go of my sanity, drop by drop, thought by thought.

private dining experience

Private dining. i have often wondered what that means. Have seen many new restaurants with the tag “Private Dining”. Asked around but no-one had an answer,

Luckily for us, SM became a “mama”. The occasion gave me an opportunity to demand a treat from him. The good soul he is, he readily agreed. Since he is in US, he gave us a “long-distance” treat – meaning he transferred money and we went without him!!

We went to one of the places tagged with “Private Dining”. And it was quite an experience. The good was delicious and very, very expensive. And the service was what pleased me the most. We are so used to going to places where you really have to be talented to catch the waiter’s eye if you want something like say, extra cutlery or even water. Here, the waiters outnumbered us, i think! They would not even give us a chance to open the mineral water bottle. You reach out for the bottle and lo, a waiter would be at your side pouring the water!!

The most fun was the “cigarette-lighting” experience – and no, i don’t smoke. Every time one of the guys fished out a cigarette, a waiter would materilaise, seemingly out of nowhere, at his side with the lighter ready. They must have cigarette sensor or something because they did it without fail every single time. i was practically squealing in glee – i know i am so “dehati”!! i made the guys smoke cigarette after cigarette just for the sheer fun of seeing the waiter light the cigarette – reminded me of old English movies!

i guess they call it Private Dining for the sheer amount of attention they shower on you. Even though we could have gone out for lunch twice with the amount we shelled out, it was worth the money.

As public smoking has been banned, we would not go there anymore!

i managed to collect 4150/- for the Mali’s treatment. Which would be the biggest contribution from any project. See, i am so good at begging/demanding!

from behind the cloud...

i have not been able to synthesize even the hint of a smile the whole day. i am angry – with the world but mostly with myself. My voice sounds like it has poison laced with it – bitter and dark.

The “mali kaka” of our company is going to have an operation. They sent out a mail asking us to collect money from the team – it is optional but i have taken it upon myself to make sure everyone chips in at least something. So i have been going from desk to desk saying “Taka dao”. It is for a good cause so i don’t mind going around asking for money. Have managed to collect about 2K till now. Have about 30 more people to bug and extort money. This task has managed to lift my spirits a bit. i even managed to squeeze out a smile or two.

The end of another day. How many more such days left in my kitty, i wonder.

in the dark...

The one feature about i-Phone i like is “Sketches”. i spent the weekend “sketching” and quite loved the outcome.

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to smile.

i so wish i can exorcise the demons inside me. These feelings that claw at my innards, making me bleed, these ties that smother.

i pretend i am so strong. If only you could see me cry when the lights go off.

All questions no answer

My life is in limbo or whatever they call the state when you feel nothing. i am numb like someone applied an ice-pack on my brain or something. i seem to be sleepwalking through life. Everything is in a haze.

What is this feeling that overtakes me every now and then? A feeling i cannot seem to describe – of being lost in a known place, of not knowing the answers to what seems the simplest of questions on existence. i am here, in flesh and blood but i do not feel alive.

What does it take to live and not just exist? What does it take to rejuvenate old wings to take to the sky again? What does it take to wipe the dust off the dreams? What does it take not to ask too many questions?