poka bhora matha....

If love were HIV
i have full blown AIDS

--this just proves that i have poka (worms) in my head to think up of something so inane. i need to get my head checked and de-wormed!

don't lose me...

This is definitely not the best of times for me. This emotional see-saw is making me see red - and blue and yellow and green (oh help me, god, i am going colour blind). Why do we behave the way we do – flinging barbs at each other, blind to the hurt we are causing to each other? i got so sick of it yesterday that i stormed out, cutting him off mid-sentence, and stood there in the balcony with a drove of mosquitoes. Middle of the night with mosquitoes for company, i sang songs (of all things!) to calm myself down, to erase the hurt that i so don’t deserve.

The only reason why i putting up with this is because i understand what he is going through. i know this must be the worst time of his life – seeing his mother go through the hell she is in. i know the pain he tries to hide. i know sometimes it gets too much for him and then he takes it out on the one nearest to him – and that happens to be me. But tell me, how is that fair? i am also going through a tough time trying to manage everything – it is so emotionally draining, hell, you have to go through it to know how it is like. It is so right that adversity can bring people closer – but it can drive a wedge between them too.

i want to see him through this tough time – inspite of everything, this guy means a lot to me.

i know nothing can be more painful than seeing the one you love waste away in front of you – and you stand there helpless to take away the pain you see in her eyes. i know that, honey. You say i don’t understand your pain, that i don’t care – pray tell me how do i prove that to you (and why should i prove it – hell, love does not need proof). Can’t you see the concern in my eyes? You, who is supposed to know my every emotions, can’t you tell that your pain is my pain? Why do you let your pain blind you to everything?

i am only human – one day i might snap and go away never to come back. These days, i find my eyes dry – i am drifting away. There is so much i can take without hitting back at you. One day, you might wake up and find i am gone – and you know i would not look back once i decide to leave. Don’t lose me, honey.

....

i love Rob Thomas’ voice. It turns me on. These days, i have been listening to music a lot at work – my iPod that had remained unused for about 2 years is being over-utilized now. i love gloomy, sentimental songs.

i am excited because S handed me two books today (the ass that he is, he is torturing me by not giving me the 17 books that the other S sent to me in one go). I am looking forward to sinking my teeth into them tonight. i must have been a printing press in my previous birth to love books so. Or maybe a book shelf.

i want to read a Mills and Boon right now. Cheap thrills – i love seeking out those “interesting” portions. There was a time when my sister and i used to get dozens of them and feast on them. i love losing myself in books – it is like i am transported to another world where i watch the characters come alive.

Matchbox 20’s ‘If you’re gone’.

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

dreams..and dreams...

S is back. And now, i am back to the fighting, bitching, gossiping mode at work. Beats coding in silence with the iPod for company.

S is fast climbing up the corporate ladder – he is good at managing people, i grant him that but like i tell him, he is too political for my liking. There is a new project coming up and he wants me to jump ship and come over and manage it. Maybe it is time for me to leave my comfort zone. But then, i have very little patience and i am not at all good at being political. i am not ambitious at all – too laid back for my own good. i am more interested in hoarding books, picking up fights with him, nagging the juniors rather than climbing any kind of ladder. And i am too blunt – i would end up treading on many toes with my if-i-feel-it-i-have-to-say-it attitude.

Truth be told, this is not what i want to do in life – i know i am good at it and all that but still, this is not my calling. i am here for the money and yes, the challenge. Not that i dislike this job – i would not have stuck to it for years if i was not mentally satisfied. In fact, i love this project, am possessive of the application, the business. This job has given me financial independence, has seen to it that I fulfilled my dreams of hiking in the Grand Canyon..i would be heartbroken when i leave it.

But then, there is the call of the wild. There is this gypsy inside that refuses to be domesticated. i have to cross the Sahara, surf the sand dunes, watch the aurora borealis, go visit the Grand Canyon again and hike from the south to the north rim, i have to go sky diving again, i have to visit Africa……..i have to open my candle shop…So many dreams…So much to live for. So little to die for.

burned hands and pockets

Yesterday was the company’s annual day. S and my item dance never materialized! i decided to skip it and went home to meet my sister. S nagged me to go with him as he would get bored without me but i refused. i have better things to do than watch them dance and listen to long bhasans.

And i burned my right hand while cooking yesterday. i was trying out stuffed capsicums – they turned out really good; I would have been disappointed if they turned out bad after sacrificing my hand and all that. Next time, i am going to just bake it in the microwave instead of frying the capsicums and save my beautiful skin from being scorched.

My colleagues wanted to know what ever happened to my hand – i told them that he burned me!

And the kitchen design is turning out to be quite a pain in the ass. We are going in for the half open kitchen style for the new place. Now, we are undecided about which side should be the main cooking area – well, he is undecided. i have pretty much made up my mind. He was miffed because I didn’t like his idea – hell, I am not going to nod my head in agreement just because I am in love. Sometimes, he can be quite a pain. In the end, I shall triumph as always.

We have decided to go the whole hog and make the kitchen as modern as we can afford. We went to a modular kitchen designer and he gave us an estimate- a whooping 1.5 lakhs! Add to that the chimney, cooking range and the budget would be like 2 lakhs for the kitchen alone. That is a lot of money. We will have to do some research and maybe go in for Godrej or some other reputed brand.

And we have the bathroom to think about – we altered the bathroom to make it big enough to fit a bathtub Maybe we will be paupers by the time we move in.

I have always wanted a big kitchen and bathroom. I love the big spacious kitchen back home. I want a garden too but that would have to wait. Maybe I will cultivate one in my head!