Alone…

 For the first time since the drama unfolded, i am alone - without the need to appear cheerful. And maybe now, the real emotions will surface. Or maybe i have stopped caring. I have a bad cold i brought back with me so using that as an excuse to lie in bed, marinating with my thoughts.

Maybe i just need to take long, deep breaths and listen to some heartbreak songs, cry some buckets of tears and close this chapter and move on. If i was really honest with myself, maybe i would admit to myself that this is for the best. Left on my own, i would not have ever had the guts to cut the strings, scared i would bleed. So maybe he did me a favour.

So maybe it is time to dust the dust off my dreams that i had packed away, thinking i would never see them again -the dreams i forsook because i thought he was worth more than all the dreams i could dream of. The road ahead will be rough for sure. But then, nobody said life was going to be easy. 

So maybe i will chop off my tresses, colour it pink or mauve or whatever, maybe i will take up kickboxing and kick the shit out of life……maybe i will start drinking…maybe i will pack the bags and move away to someplace forsaken…

Or maybe i will just lie in bed and alternate between dreaming and shedding tears…so many possibilities, so many ways this could end but only one me.

 And some nights i wake up thinking everything is still the same until i realise that nothing will be the same again…

And i continue spouting inanities…and i sew away my pain…

Of love and respect

 Is it possible for love to survive without respect? If you lose all your respect for someone, does it mean you have stopped loving that person? Is disgust the same as anger? If someone’s action disgusts you, does it strangle love? 

Phoenix

If someone had told me before that i would be going through what life has thrown at me now, i would have thought i would burn and spew venom. But i find myself thinking i just would not grieve or get bitter just because someone broke my heart.

I have always thought that whatever happens, happens for the best. I have no God to turn to or faith to seek solace in. But i have myself and the knowledge/arrogance that i can weather any storm i find myself in. That this would be my trial by fire and i would rise from the ashes like the phoenix. 

So life, here i am. Throw at me what you will. Break my heart into pieces. I will rise one day, i will smile again and mean it. I will see my dreams emerge from the cocoon. You cannot break me. If my love was not enough, so be it. 

And so it ends…

 On a cloudy Monday morning, two people who took vows to be with each other for life signed a piece of paper that would bring them nearer to the end of the road. 

And we sipped tea and ate kelichana afterwards in ‘celebration’. It drizzled a bit as if our love, or whatever it was between us, cried. I would like to think we parted as friends. I would like to think we would always be there for each other no matter what paper we signed on.

‘I thought when my love for you died 

I would die

It is dead

Alone, most strangely, I live on’