If waiting is an art, i will never be able to master it. i hate waiting. For anything. Or anyone. And somehow, life has conspired to make sure that all of the people close to me have no sense of punctuality. So i am doomed to a life of always waiting.
i am not in a condition to think coherently. My thoughts flit around in my head like butterflies - i am never able to catch them. i think i will blog about this and that and i log in and i never can bring myself to do anything. Today i managed to stir up some life...but not the words!
i am scared. Of the changes just around the corner. Scared of how i would be able to cope with them - whether i will wilt under pressure. i am scared of whether i would be able to do justice to my responsibilities. i am scared, as always, of life. So i do what i am so good at - shut out all these thoughts. Try not to think about anything but the next moment.
i am so tired of waiting. Tired of wondering whether today would be the day.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
.............
He watches me
watching the dark clouds gather
As the clouds open up
A tear slithers down
To escape the confines of an eye
That seeks out only dark clouds to gaze at
He wipes the tear drop
And kisses the eyes
that only seek out dark clouds
He cradles the head
That swarms with thoughts
No one can fathom
He tries to coax a smile
From lips that only droop
watching the dark clouds gather
As the clouds open up
A tear slithers down
To escape the confines of an eye
That seeks out only dark clouds to gaze at
He wipes the tear drop
And kisses the eyes
that only seek out dark clouds
He cradles the head
That swarms with thoughts
No one can fathom
He tries to coax a smile
From lips that only droop
Friday, July 24, 2009
opekha...
Just like me, the weather cannot make up its mind. One minute the sun smiles down, the next, the sky weeps it heart out. Maybe i like the weather here - it changes like my fickle mind. Undecided whether to be happy or sad. Excited or bored. A different mood each time. Capricious. Like me.
i wait. With trepidation. Scared and excited. Alone. And yet, not alone.
i wait. With trepidation. Scared and excited. Alone. And yet, not alone.
Friday, April 24, 2009
hum toh chale...
So we are moving to a new apartment. After nearly dying of checking out online ads for apartments, calling up lettings agent after agent, viewing potential apartments, at long last, we found a place we can call our home for the next 6 months at least.
It has been a frustrating process - first we could not make up our minds about where to stay, then about how much we could afford to spend, whether we wanted a 1-bedroom or 2-bedroom..i was just about ready to tear out my eye lashes in despair when the darling sent me details about a potential apartment which seems just about the right one we were looking for - halfway between his place of work and mine, spacious and just about the price we could afford without having to live on bread and water.
It is so different from CA. i mean, over there, finding an apartment never seemed that much of a deal. You have the choice of many good apartment complexes. Over here, it is the letting agent carrying out the negotiation between you and the private landlord.
Anyway, all that is behind us now. We are moving in tomorrow. i know he does not expect me to move my lazy ass and slither off the bed to pack the things. Just to prove him wrong, i packed (ok, stuffed) the two gaint luggages, cleaned up the drawers and even threw away the two oranges that have been keeping me company for about three weeks now! i just want to see his face when he comes back from the office and notice how i have been such a dutiful bharatiya nari!!
i sometimes wonder how it would have been like if we had not decided to come over here. We would have moved into our new place by now - we would have had the griha parvesh party..we would have fought over the choice of furniture and oven and curtains...we would have agonised about whether to give the old place out to rent or keep it...we would have been roasted in the summer heat..but it would have been home....
Where do i belong? Is it worth it staying away from the people you love? ummm..i don't know. Sometimes, i feel the whole world is my home and at times, i long for that little piece of land i could call home. Sometimes, i want to live out of my suitcase, at times i feel like i never want to pack another suitcase again. i want to spread my wings and fly --and yet, i want to grow roots to tie me to some place.
Hum toh he pardes me
Desh me nikla hoga chand
Apne chaat ke angaan pe
tanha hoga chand...
It has been a frustrating process - first we could not make up our minds about where to stay, then about how much we could afford to spend, whether we wanted a 1-bedroom or 2-bedroom..i was just about ready to tear out my eye lashes in despair when the darling sent me details about a potential apartment which seems just about the right one we were looking for - halfway between his place of work and mine, spacious and just about the price we could afford without having to live on bread and water.
It is so different from CA. i mean, over there, finding an apartment never seemed that much of a deal. You have the choice of many good apartment complexes. Over here, it is the letting agent carrying out the negotiation between you and the private landlord.
Anyway, all that is behind us now. We are moving in tomorrow. i know he does not expect me to move my lazy ass and slither off the bed to pack the things. Just to prove him wrong, i packed (ok, stuffed) the two gaint luggages, cleaned up the drawers and even threw away the two oranges that have been keeping me company for about three weeks now! i just want to see his face when he comes back from the office and notice how i have been such a dutiful bharatiya nari!!
i sometimes wonder how it would have been like if we had not decided to come over here. We would have moved into our new place by now - we would have had the griha parvesh party..we would have fought over the choice of furniture and oven and curtains...we would have agonised about whether to give the old place out to rent or keep it...we would have been roasted in the summer heat..but it would have been home....
Where do i belong? Is it worth it staying away from the people you love? ummm..i don't know. Sometimes, i feel the whole world is my home and at times, i long for that little piece of land i could call home. Sometimes, i want to live out of my suitcase, at times i feel like i never want to pack another suitcase again. i want to spread my wings and fly --and yet, i want to grow roots to tie me to some place.
Hum toh he pardes me
Desh me nikla hoga chand
Apne chaat ke angaan pe
tanha hoga chand...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
..and the tide turns
So many a times, i have made wrong turns, found myself in situations seemingly hopeless - only to have life bail me out. And it has happened so many times that i have begun to think i can breeze through life. That no matter how many wrong turns i take, i will find a way out, one way or the other. Which is stupid.
You would think anyone with a little common sense would know better than to chuck a job without having another one safely tucked away in the pocket. The big big boss of my previous company even made me an offer to take unpaid leave and go onsite while they tried to find a suitable project for me here - with his personal guarantee that if i found another job in the meantime, i could always leave without any fuss. And yours truly turned down his offer - yes, i am that dumb.
After about two weeks of diligently applying for jobs online - i think i am done with my share of applying for jobs this lifetime - sending out CVs and not getting even a squeak in reply, i gave up. i am that persistent! i stop surfing jobsites, ignored mails from jobsites. Just shut shop and turned to other things more productive like sleeping and watching TV.
Then, out of the blue, while i was bitching with my sister on the phone, my mobile rang. A female voice asked me if i had applied for so and so position in so and so company. "i don't recall--i might have" -- talk about making a good first impression! She asked me if i was interested in coming down to their office for an interview. Since this was the first time anyone was even remotely interested in checking me out, i said yes. The office was in a place i have never heard of - but then i have not heard of 99% of the places here.
Then started the process of trying to find the place and how to reach it. It is almost 2 hrs from where i stay. And since he would not be able to chaperon me, he tried to work out the train and bus route for me. i am geographically handicapped. i cannot tell my right from my left - forget about east and west and other such complicated directions. i think i was more interested in getting to the place safely than the interview. He dictated and i copied down the directions from
google maps - though none of the intructions made sense to me, get off the train, go to the bus station, turn northeast and walk towards this and that. Northeast?? Which direction is that?
On the day of the interview, i woke up with a sinking feeling - knowing i would get lost - and he told me i didn't have to go if i didn't want to. But in life, facing your fears is the only way to get rid of them. So i went. i just didn't care about the interview - only to get there and come back. Somehow, i found the place - it was tucked away in a quiet place with not a soul in sight. Imagine getting lost there. i would not have been happier if i had found the lost city of El Dorado!
The interview- after having being on the other side of the table it was fun to be other side getting grilled rather than grilling! They asked me the questions i have asked those poor souls once upon a time. i was so confident i would not get the job that i treated it like a fun outing. i said some things that made them exchange looks with each other! It was so so fun. i told them that i nag people a lot, that i am stubborn, impatient, politically incorrect and blunt. i just love highlighting my negative points. One of the guys thought maybe i was vocabulary challenged and he suggested that maybe i meant i was persistent, not stubborn. i looked at him and said "no, i am too stubborn to be called persistent"! Don't you just love the way i am so good at self promotion!
They told me the standard " we would be interviewing some more candidates and will let you know after a few days.". And i left confident that i would not be hearing from them again.
So it came as a big surprise when they mailed me that i have been shortlisted and they would have a second interview. There was no way i was going for another round so i did not reply.
And then after a week, the lady called up again and what do you know, they thought i was the best candidate and could i join the next week if possible? What?! Life never ceases to amaze.
You would think anyone with a little common sense would know better than to chuck a job without having another one safely tucked away in the pocket. The big big boss of my previous company even made me an offer to take unpaid leave and go onsite while they tried to find a suitable project for me here - with his personal guarantee that if i found another job in the meantime, i could always leave without any fuss. And yours truly turned down his offer - yes, i am that dumb.
After about two weeks of diligently applying for jobs online - i think i am done with my share of applying for jobs this lifetime - sending out CVs and not getting even a squeak in reply, i gave up. i am that persistent! i stop surfing jobsites, ignored mails from jobsites. Just shut shop and turned to other things more productive like sleeping and watching TV.
Then, out of the blue, while i was bitching with my sister on the phone, my mobile rang. A female voice asked me if i had applied for so and so position in so and so company. "i don't recall--i might have" -- talk about making a good first impression! She asked me if i was interested in coming down to their office for an interview. Since this was the first time anyone was even remotely interested in checking me out, i said yes. The office was in a place i have never heard of - but then i have not heard of 99% of the places here.
Then started the process of trying to find the place and how to reach it. It is almost 2 hrs from where i stay. And since he would not be able to chaperon me, he tried to work out the train and bus route for me. i am geographically handicapped. i cannot tell my right from my left - forget about east and west and other such complicated directions. i think i was more interested in getting to the place safely than the interview. He dictated and i copied down the directions from
google maps - though none of the intructions made sense to me, get off the train, go to the bus station, turn northeast and walk towards this and that. Northeast?? Which direction is that?
On the day of the interview, i woke up with a sinking feeling - knowing i would get lost - and he told me i didn't have to go if i didn't want to. But in life, facing your fears is the only way to get rid of them. So i went. i just didn't care about the interview - only to get there and come back. Somehow, i found the place - it was tucked away in a quiet place with not a soul in sight. Imagine getting lost there. i would not have been happier if i had found the lost city of El Dorado!
The interview- after having being on the other side of the table it was fun to be other side getting grilled rather than grilling! They asked me the questions i have asked those poor souls once upon a time. i was so confident i would not get the job that i treated it like a fun outing. i said some things that made them exchange looks with each other! It was so so fun. i told them that i nag people a lot, that i am stubborn, impatient, politically incorrect and blunt. i just love highlighting my negative points. One of the guys thought maybe i was vocabulary challenged and he suggested that maybe i meant i was persistent, not stubborn. i looked at him and said "no, i am too stubborn to be called persistent"! Don't you just love the way i am so good at self promotion!
They told me the standard " we would be interviewing some more candidates and will let you know after a few days.". And i left confident that i would not be hearing from them again.
So it came as a big surprise when they mailed me that i have been shortlisted and they would have a second interview. There was no way i was going for another round so i did not reply.
And then after a week, the lady called up again and what do you know, they thought i was the best candidate and could i join the next week if possible? What?! Life never ceases to amaze.
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