when life beckons,
do you rush into its arms?
or do you stand prim and proper,
tied to your obligations?
tell me, do you dream too?
Do you gather feathers
to weave yourself wings?
do you collect your tears
to water your withered dreams?

the D word

After what seems like ages, i chatted with S. He is in India right now for his Visa. The last time we talked was last year when i visited the States. After that, we dropped out of each others' lives. This has always been the way with us - we can spend years not in touch and when we meet/chat again, it is like we have never been apart from each other. He is someone i like talking to because he is the one person who would always tell me the harsh truths.

He is someone who taught me that i do not have to accept everything; the one who made me feel that being stubborn and selfish is ok.

S told me his sister is getting divorced. Of course, my first reaction was "A divorce?!!". And then i told him how just typically middle class was my reaction. As if getting a divorce is a smear on one's character. He told me she tried and after 5 years of trying she decided she had enough. i admire her strength. Of having the courage to decide that enough is enough, that devoting 5 years of your life to a relationship does not mean that you have to endure it for a lifetime.

It takes guts to untie the knots, to unglue the memories, to undo the vows. It takes guts to walk away with your dignity intact.

And why is that people expect that once a woman gets married, she has to give up her dreams and live his and his family's dreams? Why is that they expect her to give the first priority to his parents before her own? i thought marriage was about building new ties, not about breaking old ties to foster new ties. Why is she expected to make all the sacrifices, all the compromises? Why is she supposed to merge her identity? Isn't marriage supposed to be a journey to be undertaken by two souls hand in hand, not a journey where the woman has to follow where the man leads?

interpretation of dreams

When i woke up this morning, i vividly remembered my dream – the faces, the scenes. In the dream i had yesterday, there was a fishing contest and i saw this Chinese team with a huge boat getting the fishing net ready. i can remember seeing the features and dresses of the people in the boat, the way the way went about hurling the huge net in the sea. It was so real.

And i was left wondering whether the people i see in my dreams are people my sub-conscious makes up or these are people i have seen somewhere – maybe in magazines or TV. None of the faces were familiar. Does that mean that the mind can “manufacture” people, even clothe them in the right attire for the situation in the dream?

The places i see in my recurring dreams – do they exist or does my mind make it up from the things i read? i dream quite frequently of this place – it is barren, hillocks scattered everywhere, not a soul in sight. And somehow, the place is so peaceful, i feel like i have arrived home.

Freud, where are you???

nostalgia and other dark thoughts

Home. The other day i pined for home. i am not the overtly nostalgic type. But when nostalgia attacks me, i am left reeling.

Home -open space, blue skies, Ema’s kitchen garden, the peaceful silence peppered with the singing of birds and the chattering of my little cousins, watching the birds fly home with my head on my mother’s lap, the lazy, unhurried meals with my family. Where the moments linger to catch a breath.

The home i knew – would it still be the same now that i am not the same anymore?

My home. My family. And thousand of miles away, here i am searching for meanings that just might not exist, chasing rainbows that lead to nowhere, with people i know and yet do not know.

And yet, the path to home has overgrown with thorns. i do not have the strength or will to cut through it and go back.

Here i am, with my nest in another world. The wings that brought me here would not flap to take me back. i have emerged from the cocoon – to still find myself a caterpillar.

Suddenly, i am so tired. Of this life. Of the meaning that eludes me. Of mundane worries that crease my forehead and crumple my sleep. i am tired of fighting - To defend my beliefs, my truths, my dreams. i want to let go – to let go of my sanity, drop by drop, thought by thought.

private dining experience

Private dining. i have often wondered what that means. Have seen many new restaurants with the tag “Private Dining”. Asked around but no-one had an answer,

Luckily for us, SM became a “mama”. The occasion gave me an opportunity to demand a treat from him. The good soul he is, he readily agreed. Since he is in US, he gave us a “long-distance” treat – meaning he transferred money and we went without him!!

We went to one of the places tagged with “Private Dining”. And it was quite an experience. The good was delicious and very, very expensive. And the service was what pleased me the most. We are so used to going to places where you really have to be talented to catch the waiter’s eye if you want something like say, extra cutlery or even water. Here, the waiters outnumbered us, i think! They would not even give us a chance to open the mineral water bottle. You reach out for the bottle and lo, a waiter would be at your side pouring the water!!

The most fun was the “cigarette-lighting” experience – and no, i don’t smoke. Every time one of the guys fished out a cigarette, a waiter would materilaise, seemingly out of nowhere, at his side with the lighter ready. They must have cigarette sensor or something because they did it without fail every single time. i was practically squealing in glee – i know i am so “dehati”!! i made the guys smoke cigarette after cigarette just for the sheer fun of seeing the waiter light the cigarette – reminded me of old English movies!

i guess they call it Private Dining for the sheer amount of attention they shower on you. Even though we could have gone out for lunch twice with the amount we shelled out, it was worth the money.

As public smoking has been banned, we would not go there anymore!

i managed to collect 4150/- for the Mali’s treatment. Which would be the biggest contribution from any project. See, i am so good at begging/demanding!