weepy wednesday

Din kaal bhalo jache na amar.

Yesterday, i stayed up till 5. We stayed up till 5. Arguing, flinging barbs, accusations. And finally making up. It is tiring, mentally, emotionally and physically. And i kept wondering what i was doing. It is like being caught in a web. i struggle to free myself but i get more entangled. This is definitely not healthy. Is it because we are so in love with each other that we end up hurting each other? Or is it because all the love has evaporated in the heat of our fights? i don’t know. And i don’t want to know.

Sometimes, we make mistakes. In the choices we make. What is the best option – to undo the choice or face the consequences of our choice? i have always believed in paying for my choices. Now, i wonder whether i have not paid enough already. i know i would be happy all by myself too. Maybe happier than what i am now. But it is so hard to let go. So hard. So fucking hard that i bleed all over.

He said he thinks it would work. If only we tried. Maybe we expect so much from each other. Expectations. i know expectations is the root cause of our unhappiness. i know it. But still, i can’t stop myself sometimes from saving myself from expectations.

hee hee hee...i am tickled pink because i am so melodramatic! i should have been in Ekta kapoor's soaps wearing designer sari without blouse and making faces, crying bucketful of tears over husbands who would die and spring back to life again. Why am i wasting my talent coding?!! My tears would earn me more. And i would not have to use glycerine too.

...and so does tuesday

The mood is no better than yesterday. But i am past caring. Or at least, i am pretending not to care. Which i am good at – i mean pretence. i could pretend i am hurt when my soul is somersaulting inside in joy. i could pretend i am happy when my heart is being broken into smithereens. Maybe this world is pretence. We go through it taking it for real.

Maybe i have crossed into the other world. Or hanging somewhere in between sanity and insanity.

Please tell me whether the moon is waxing or waning.

monday hates me

i don’t know whether it is the Monday sickness or whatever that is plaguing my soul. i feel sad. Unhappy. Disgruntled with life. i don’t want to code. Or even nag the kids – i am that depressed! i didn’t even go for the morning adda-cum-tea break.

Every passing day seems to highlight the fact that life is passing me by. Or i am passing life by. Whatever. It is like i feel i don’t want anything more. i just want to sleep it off. Sleep, dream and sleep some more. i sound like a seriously depressed person who needs to be on Prozac. Maybe i am one. Or maybe my hormones are acting up again.

Here i am, whining again. If i were not so much in love with myself, i would hate this trait of mine. i am seemingly so good at spouting pearls of wisdom when it comes to other people’s lives. When it comes to my own, in spite of my oh-i-am-so-clever attitude, i falter and stumble and stub whatever can be stubbed.

Maybe this is what they call disenchantment with the mayavi duniya. Maybe i am finally ready to renounce this world. All i want now is just to be alone. With a book for company. And i don’t even want the wireless connection. Oh, i am getting so close.

Of course, tomorrow might see me in a different mood. Maybe i would be ready to conquer the world. Or maybe i would have sunk deeper into depression and ready to renounce even my books. i am so f***** fickle that it makes me love myself even more!

samay o dhire chalo

It is already September. And to think it only seems like yesterday that i ushered in January.

Another year about to end. And nothing much to show for it. So many decisions made, unmade. Dreams dreamed. Dreams unraveled. i still don’t have a driving license. i still have not cultivated enough patience not to frown and fume when a junior makes the same mistake twice. i still don’t have the grace to give up a fight without having the last word/punch.

To make up for all of the things i should have done and have not got around to doing, i am going to participate in the antakshri contest next week. The first time I am gathering up courage to actually open my mouth to sing and make a fool of myself! i have a good head for lyrics. The only thing is my voice is not the kind made for singing. But what the hell, there is a first time for everything. i have managed to rope in a junior to be my partner. Now it is time to bring out the iPod i have neglected for so long and start my preparation. If we win, this would make this my fourth win in a row in office club events. Kind of a grand slam!! The things i console myself with!! It is pathetic.

don't you cry tonight

Does crying heal? i think it just gives you a headache and swollen eyelids! Is crying good for the soul? Maybe. Sometimes, the tears wash away a bit of your pain. Sometimes, they add to it by reminding you of things that made you start crying in the first place.

These tears-
These droplets of water i shed
From eyes swollen like pregnant clouds
-Can they convey my pain to you?
Or would they just dry up
without telling their story?