The beginning of the end

i read somewhere that you never know how you are really going to react until you are really in the situation. A bomb was dropped on me today - even in my worst nightmare, i had never imagined something like this would happen. It felt like something was ripped out of me - i don't know whether i am still in shock and how i am reacting is really how i am feeling. But i did read somewhere that when you are under the greatest strain, what comes out of you is what you are really made of. It is the beginning of the end of something i thought would last forever. But forever is i guess a long time. i guess if you really love someone, you want them to be happy - with or without you. And maybe that is all that counts. i would have liked some warning at least of the storm to come so i could have prepared myself.But maybe sometimes, what you need is to see yourself when you are least prepared. So that you know what you experience, how you react is the whole raw truth. i am scared, i feel numb. i feel like i have no idea what is going on. But, in all the numbness, what i feel is some sort of calm. Life goes on, it has to. Sometimes, things are not meant to be. Sometimes, when shit happens, all you need to do is not let the stink get to you. i hope for strength to be able to carry on, to forgive, to be able to be happy for him. This is the begininng of the end - and the end of a chapter. i choose to close with grace and dignity.

When the wound heals And the tears dry up When no more dream remains Of another day with you When a single day passes Without a thought of you When i can smile Without the pain hiding behind it When the sound of your voice No longer makes me long to hear you call my name again For that day, i wait... For that day, i dread...

I miss you

I miss you I miss the sound of your name on my lips I miss your smell your smile I miss the thoughts of you Most of all, i miss the man i fell in love with I know not where i am now - i trudge on from one day to the next. Nothing makes sense but i have to carry on because you see, i am so good at pretending to be strong. I might be breaking inside but my smile won’t slip. I might be drowning but you will not hear me shout for help. I might be crying but my tears, i reserve for the dark. Am i finally accepting the inevitable? Have i come to terms with the bleakness of the end? For one moment of weakness i pray. When i can let this pride slip and i can tell you just how much i miss you. But when i think of how you wanted out, i steel myself. One moment, one day at a time...

When somebody is such an intrinsic part of your life that it is like the air you breathe, do we tend to take them for granted because they are so ingrained in you? But like the air you breathe, when you are deprived of it, do you suffocate and feel like you are dying when you think of letting go? Does love give us the right to want to stop the one we love or does love dictate that we let go and let them find their happiness somewhere else? My will to fight started bleeding the day when I realised that try as much as I can, no matter how sincere my efforts, it fails to bring him the happiness he desires and deserves. Every moment, even when I am doing something else, these thoughts are haunting me. I have always been so good at pretending to be strong but this time, I am crumbling. Bit by bit, thought by thought, I am bleeding. When does this end? Would I ever stop grieving? The thought of another day like this makes me want to wish I could fade away in my sleep...but I cannot...so, here I am, hoping that penning down these thoughts would be like blood letting- takes some pain away. It is like an throbbing pain that does not go away. Now, I am even scared of going to sleep because my dreams hound me too.

....

Yesterday, i dreamed of him. I woke up with a hole in my heart. All i wanted was just another chance of telling him that in my own way, how much i love him. And why, even when i so don’t want to, i am hardening my heart to let go. Because i think he be happier without me. I am stewing in my misery. It is all i can do to drag myself up each day. I am so glad i don’t drink - i know why people drink to drown their sorrows. All i want is to clear my head for one moment, one moment of peace, one moment when i feel like falling down the abyss when we finally part. I am not able to get to the next stage - i itch to hear his voice but i cannot call up. I want to beg him to stay but i know i cannot. And so here i am, drinking my own tears. If it had not been so heart breaking, i would have called myself melodramatic. I want to have a dreamless sleep - i don’t want to dream of him, feeling him no near and waking up to find emptiness. Much more of this and i swear i will go crazy. As it is i am wasting away, i have to force myself to eat. I find no joy in anything. All i am looking for is noise so it can drown out these memories.