....

Yesterday, i dreamed of him. I woke up with a hole in my heart. All i wanted was just another chance of telling him that in my own way, how much i love him. And why, even when i so don’t want to, i am hardening my heart to let go. Because i think he be happier without me. I am stewing in my misery. It is all i can do to drag myself up each day. I am so glad i don’t drink - i know why people drink to drown their sorrows. All i want is to clear my head for one moment, one moment of peace, one moment when i feel like falling down the abyss when we finally part. I am not able to get to the next stage - i itch to hear his voice but i cannot call up. I want to beg him to stay but i know i cannot. And so here i am, drinking my own tears. If it had not been so heart breaking, i would have called myself melodramatic. I want to have a dreamless sleep - i don’t want to dream of him, feeling him no near and waking up to find emptiness. Much more of this and i swear i will go crazy. As it is i am wasting away, i have to force myself to eat. I find no joy in anything. All i am looking for is noise so it can drown out these memories.

Drowning...

I am drowning...can hardly keep afloat. My thoughts are dragging me down. One moment, i find myself accepting the fact that this is over, the next my mind thinks up of reasons why i cannot just let go, not after how much i have loved. And i find myself bawling my eyes out. The thought of food nauseates me. I drink pots of green tea- as if that could wash away all this hurt, this pain. One part of me knows this is the only way out..the other part clings on to old memories. I am a mess... I don’t know how this will end. But i know i have to get professional help, just talk these dark thoughts away. There must be a sliver lining somewhere but for now, all i see is darkness. There is this fog inside my head. Maybe, just maybe, one day i would be able to read this and smile. For now, all i want to do is hide away from everyone, just curl up in a ball and hope this is just something i will wake up from.

This too shall pass??

I need to get these thoughts out of my head before i go crazy. How much can someone cry,how long can someone pretend to be strong when they are breaking up inside, how long can someone smile and pretend to the world everything is fine? C said we both are suffering from smiling depression - where we both pretend we are fine while we wither away inside. At least, she has T’s support. She knows i am suffering but i cannot seem to share anything. These days, i find myself tearing up at the drop of the proverbial hat. I would think about him at work and i would shed tears and wipe them off surreptitiously, sniffle and pretend i have a cold. I would be walking to the bus stand and sniffling away. I would be in the train and wiping away stray tears. Where did this all go wrong? Oh yes, me - how headstrong i am, how independent, how selfish. All my fault. But why?? I am trying to take it one day at a time. Today, i nearly took a sick leave because i was feeling so bogged down - i did not want to spend a day interacting with people when all i want to do is lay in bed and cry and cry. I have not been able to eat a proper meal for the past few days - the thought of food sickens me and i feel nauseous. Pieces of bread - that is all i can eat now. Yes, i am taking so much good care of myself. I know my thyroid test is going to come out all screwed - half of the time, i can’t remember to take my medication. I called up S today - i thought i would go mad if i bottled up one more day. This is the closest i have to the edge i have been- maybe because i am finally accepting that this is the end of the relationship - that nothing can save it. S told me she gave up her job at her husband’s insistence. I could hear the raw pain in her voice and she told me she had to take BP medication because of all the stress. We were both crying hearing each other sob stories - i have never really broken down like this before. I told her this is the end - i really cannot take it anymore. I told her i wish i drank - i just want some few hours of oblivion. Maybe that is why people drink. And maybe a good thing i don’t drink because i am the kind of coward who would drink away her heartache - i would be a full blown alcoholic by now. S supported me - and for that, i am grateful. Especially since i know she is the kind who would always put family first - i have been beating myself up about whether i am so selfish. I do a lot of beating myself up these days. And i know where that is coming from. And i just want it to stop. Just stop already. I am scared - yes, i am. I don’t know if i can do it alone...i know i am not going to get much support - i would be the heartless bitch who is too selfish to give what her man wants. Sometimes, just sometimes, i wish he could see the thoughts inside. He says i do not communicate - well, i am constantly having dialogues inside my head with him. What is the point - people cannot read your goddamn mind...i have retreated inside this shell from which i cannot break my silence no matter what i do. One part of me thinks it is my fault he has become so bitter. Am i so poisonous that i taint those i love? A part of me wants this to end so i can just fade away. A part of me wants him back so badly. A part of me just tells me i should let go and let him find his happiness - if it be without me, so be it. A part of me wants to cling on but all i am doing is prolonging the pain. Why is it wrong if i want the best for the person i brought forth into this world? I don’t know. We are at this crossroad and we both want different things... Here i am, broken, dried up...is it possible to run out of tears? Can you cry so much that at a certain point, nothing comes out? I have a headache because i cried too much. I thought a good cry would help lighten me up a bit but i feel like i just feel so heavy inside, like i have a stone lodged somewhere inside. The only thing tethering me here is the thought of my elf. They say there are different stages of grief - i don’t know which stage i am in. Does this ever end - this pain? It must, right? I mean, how long can someone go one like this without losing their sanity. Am i still sane? But i have taken a step today - i have said it out loud to someone and i think this was my first step of accepting that this is happening, that i am not having a nightmare and that this is for real. All these days, i have been kidding myself that like everytime we will find a way back together. It is like i finally acknowledge to myself now that i am in the middle of a storm that will uproot everything i have loved. All storms end, don’t they? Only thing to see if when it passes, whether i am left standing or drowning. Either way, i would have lost. I am afraid to go to sleep - even my dreams have deserted me. Even in sleep, i am haunted. Please tell me this too shall pass.....

This too shall pass.....

"Someday when my crying is done

I will wear a smile and walk in the sun

You will never know that I still love you so

That a heart ache remains

I will do my crying in the rain"

       -crying in the rain

I will make it on my own. I owe it to myself. I will not wallow in self-pity. I will not let you see how much you can hurt me. I will not beg again. I will let the tears wash away my pain...