looking back

Just a few more days and this year would be gone too...and i wonder how fast the days flew. And it has left me still the same - imperfect, impatient, unkind, bitchy...

Still have not found the answers to the questions that clutter my mind. And i have no hope of finding them - many some things are best not found (whatever that means).

Life saddens me...i drift away from all i love..slowly, sleathily...and the worse thing is i don't care...maybe that is my way of dealing with life - running away. Oh well, i have always been a coward.

i dream of being alone - all by myself. Maybe because i know every bond that ties would hurt when it breaks, which it will one day or the other. And i have failed to realise that is not the way to live life. Or maybe i realise it but i am too scared. Oh hell, why i am running around in circles chasing my tail at the end of the year???

A colleague wrote to say she hopes the new year will be kind to me. Can life ever be kind?? i wonder....And on that note, i bid this year goodbye. But not before saying that i am ungrateful for not counting the good things in my life and cribbing and crying about the bad things. There i go again.....

i need to write..but nothing is in my head....or rather, everything is in my head but nothing comes out...

Is it cruel of me to wish away all bonds - every relation i have held close, every love i have treasured ?? But i feel this way now....i just to cut loose all bonds...i just want to be by myself...would i bleed less then? would these dark thoughts be bleached ? would my mind find peace ? would the dark demons in me die in their sleep then?

What do i want? what do i long more?

....

Have not blogged for so long that i had even forgotten my password and had to recover it! Oh life and the challenges it throw at us. You want to ask why, why, why....and there is no answer...It is like the Budha asking the woman who wanted her son to be brought back to life to find a house that has not witnessed death. But, still you cannot help but wonder whether life is unfair.

i have no desire to be in touch with anyone, not even myself. Life is a haze right now, from one day to the next...and the hardest thing is that he is not here with me - at least it would have been nice to have a shoulder to lean on at times when life gets too much to bear.

Sometimes i just want to drift off...renounce everyone and everything and just float away on my own. Would it be nice not having any ties tying you down, no love to make you bleed ?

What is life? This pain i see, the sufferings ? Sometimes you just fail to see the whole point of life...Or maybe it is just me not able to see things for what they are...i don't know...i don't want to know....

i would like to drown in my own tears but knowing life i just might end up with a bloated stomach full of tears..whatever....

And i find i am angry with the whole world - how dare anyone be living and enjoying while i am not ? Why do i have to go through this baptism by fire every other year - of seeing a loved one fight a losing battle ? WHY ME? why me? why me? i am such a coward....and a whiner...and a loser...

And i am getting addicted to jalebis, of all things. i would have preferred lsd but jalebis are a fine subsitute...Did i mention that i am losing my mind? i also dyed my hair burgundy but the pity is only the grey ones picked up the colour so i have a crown of black and burgundy hair - the things people do to run away from misery. Next you will see me with my hair dyed pink.

...

there are times in life when i wish i had in me to believe in something divine so i could hope for a miracle. But the concept of God was invented for less cynical people who have in their hearts the innocence and ignorance to trust that life is governed by the whims and will of some divine creature.

i only have in me the belief in the strength of the mind...but would it last?

Backward progress

While the world moves on, the place I call home progresses backward at a pace that would shame thevproverbial hare. Everytime I call up home I am left depressed at the way things are. Ema said gas cylinders sell at about 2k - what the fuck? And people now cook using firewood or charcoal. Wow, that is progress for us. Soon enough we will go back to the stone ages and maybe start eating everything raw. There is absolutely no hope or desire left in me to go back to the place where my roots are.

Once upon a time, I did think of a future where Imphal featured - of going back home to where I supposedly belong. But now, disgust is all I feel. Because I am so fucking helpless to help my loved ones - my parents would never agree to leaving Imphal for good and money is not going to buy safety or a peaceful existence there.

Once upon a time, there was a place I called home. But now, it is just a name that gives me heartache because I know nothing is going to change. We would slide into the abyss,dragging everything along. Whether we will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix - only time will tell. But we need to burn ourselves before that- get rid of the scums that have inherited Manipur. While other scums like me shed tears and watch from across the ocean.

I feel rootless now - free to pick and choose where I supplant them. But traces of the soil in which I took my first step would always cling to, will always taunt me for deserting it, will always tug at my heartstrings.