Fly away, my thoughts....

Even though i have a more than abundant supply of books now, thanks to freecycle, i had another attack of the blues. It was more 'the blacks' than the blues. Do i make sense? No. But then, no one expects me to, least of all, myself.

Sometimes, it is scary how my thoughts hold me at ransom. They go on a rampage, pulling down the shutters on my smiles, zipping up my lips, painting a mist on my eyes. Am i one of those suffering from 'manic depression'? Or maybe i am a hypochondriac? Or maybe, i am just mad, sad or bad?

i keep thinking about, what else but my pet topic, the meaning of life. Is there a meaning to all of this? What use is money, position or whatever that we hanker for in life? i would just be as happy in a village growing cauliflowers as i would be sitting in a cubicle writing lines of code that could/would break or be eaten by bugs, maybe happier. What do i want in life? Why do i worry about things that don't need to be worried about? Why do i search for meanings in the clouds above, in the dead leaves that flutter down? Why can't i find happiness in the ordinary things that people revel in?

How quickly the years pass by. It scares me knowing i will die one day without having found any answers to the questions that gnaw away at the back of my mind. So many years feeding these thoughts and still, they refuse to be appeased. They ask me "But, is that the meaning of life? Is this what you are searching for?". They refused to be fooled.

Oh, how i so wanted to be a butterfly but i know i will die a caterpillar. Now, that is a truth, if ever there was one.

Buzz off!

When i signed in to my gmail account yesterday, i saw this 'buzz' thingy. Thought it was just one of those 'making-life-better- things they try to promote from time to time. Yes, i am technologically challenged and have the least idea what is happening in the world of technology, so sue me.

Anyway, i saw this "buzz' thing right under my inbox and when i clicked on it, horror of horrors, what do i see but i am 'following' all the people in my chat list and am being followed! Did they ask me whether i wanted to follow someone? Nay. Did they ask me whether i wanted someone to follow me? Nah. Unless, of course, i missed out on something. Now, given my intense dislike for anything that says 'networking', i started biting my nails, trying to figure out how to get rid of my 'followers' and my 'followees'. i 'unfollowed' every single one of the people i was supposed to be following but i could not see anyway to getting rid of my 'followers'. Yes, i am dumb but i already know that so stop reminding me.

Anyway, i did the smart thing and googled to find a way to get this thing to buzz off. And turns out, it is really simple. All i had to do was scroll down to the bottom of the page and there it was 'Turn buzz off'. i was saved and google was forgiven.

Dreams...

The sand castles i build
On the seashore of my life

One by one
They tumble
Swept away
By the heartless waves of my acrid tears

My dreams call out to me
As they drown
While i stand
Shackled and helpless

Angered, perhaps, by my impotence
They mock at me
In their dying breaths
"Why dream
If you do not have the courage?
Why paint our wings so bright
If you cannot make us fly?"

Alone, i stand
By the corpses of my dreams
And watch in silence
As the vultures feed on them

Memories

Memories of you
Lodged in a corner of my heart

i pay them infrequent visits
Sometimes, they embrace me heartily
And we talk fondly of old times

Sometimes, they greet me
With muted displeasure
For not visiting them often enough
And serve me tea laced with tears

Sometimes, i arrive at their abode
And find them sitting stone faced
Gathered around a fellow memory
That passed away in the loneliness of the night
Uncared for, un-remembered

The brazen young ones ask me at times
If it was true
That i once was so fertile
And would come by every day
With young memories bundled up with love
Born just the other day
i pretend not to hear them
Or see the silencing looks
The older ones throw at them

As i take my leave
Pretending there are other places to visit
Some wistfully whisper as they hug me
'i might not be around the next time you come'
i glibly lie
'Oh you will outlive me"

And as i walk past the graveyard
Where the souls of dead memories lie
Turning and tossing and longing
To be remembered and brought back to life
i silently mark the empty site
Where i will bury the next one

Salvation

After a weekend 'harvesting' books for free, i have now a cardboard box overflowing with books. Though i cannot imagine it now, i turned down some books because i could not so many books. The freecycler i went to collect the book from on Sunday was disappointed (and irritated too though i was too elated to notice it!) that i did not take all the books. C'mon, there were about 10 boxes of books and there was no place we could have stored them. Plus not all the books were up my aisle. In my haste to choose the books (he could not find a parking place and wanted me to hurry up), i even picked up a book in an unknown language (only discovered it after i came home)!

And i am happy to say my pride could survive taking things for free! Now if only i could get the generosity to give things away. Maybe, maybe one of these days....