The rat in me....

The weather is depressing as ever. The trees look gaunt and gloomy - bare branches and twigs not even interested in swaying. It is warm and comfy inside with the heater cranked up. More snow is on the way they say. i love snow.

The class boycott is finally over. The agitators gave in without their demands being met - so you want to ask them what exactly made them give in. It surely was not love for the students - hell, they made them suffer for so many months. Did they get paid off? Don't get me wrong. i am happy it is finally over. But, you seethe at those bastards who burned schools, held the future of the thousands of children at ransom, at their fucking talks of 'life is more precious than education' and now, it seems money is more important than life. They are scum. And i hate the fact that we let them continue with their dirty games. We are a people past redemption. We have let these parasites suck all the goodness out of Manipur. It is just an empty shell now, waiting for the final collapse. Where else would you find such accommodating people like us who would not even manage a whimper against the atrocities committed on us by our own people?

This impotent rage, of knowing that no matter how much you rave and rant, spit and spew, curse and swear, beg and plead - nothing will save us. We just want to wallow in self-pity, wage wars against ourselves, sell our future to the highest bidder.

And, we like rats, will desert this sinking ship. We will transplant ourselves to foreign land, watch snow flakes dance, eat and drink and curse all and sundry. While our parents and family organise their lives around the schedule of power cuts and bandhs. We will call up long distance and hear their weary voices telling us they are going to bed early because the light has gone out again and the inverter has run low because there was no light yesterday too.

And this was the land where i grew up, happy and giggly. The land i left hoping to be back someday. But, the roots are drying up, the wings gathering dust in the corner. And i, i sip hot tea and watch snow flakes dance by the window while my motherland slowly chokes to death. i am a rat and i hate sinking ships. Am i any better than those i curse?

The year that was

It was a good year for me. It saw me finally being able to cut the umblical cord and bid farewell to a company that had been my cherished home for more than eight years, to relinguish my position as the resident hag. It saw me welcome someone into my life and who has now become the light of my world. It saw me shift base to a land of gloomy weather. It saw me start doing something i have always wanted to, for a change.

The year flew on wings and ended even before i noticed it what with my preoccupation with life. i am still short of patience, still haunted by dark thoughts, still a long way from being perfect. But i live with the undying hope that tomorrow will always dawn for me.

i hope to be able to write more this year, to shake off the ennui that settles on my mind every now and then and to live like tomorrow will never dawn for me. Amen

thoughts gone into hiding

Do thoughts hibernate in winter? These days, i do less of thinking, which is nice for a change. Sometimes, it can be quite annoying having your thoughts chasing each other around in your head like noisy children playing tag.

Or could it be that i have finally realised the futility of it all? ummm...

The days are shorter now, the weather gloomier. i forget to think, to fret. Would this nice season last? i wonder.

i need to buy some more books. i need to fill this vacuum inside my head. Till the thoughts come out from their dank corners to torment me again, i need something else to occupy myself.

While i pretty much enjoy the fact that i am a bad person most of the time, sometimes i wish i was able to see a bit beyond myself, if only for the sake of the few people in life i love. Which makes me wonder whether i am mellowing with age. A thought that makes me uncomfortable.

i am very selfish. It is a fact. i could not have inherited it from my mother because she is someone who is so giving, so kind in spite of the hardship life has thrown at her. It cannot be from my father either because he too is generous, sometimes too much for his (and our) own good . Well, from whichever gene pool i inherited it from, i am saddled with it. Though it is not something i am ashamed of. i am selfish because, well, i don't know why exactly.

But sometimes, when my selfishness gets in the way of the happiness of those i hold close to me, it saddens my heart (oh yes, i do possess one even though it is black).

Sometimes, i do envy those who seem to find happiness in other's happiness. Something i feel i am incapable of. You see i have to be happy myself for me to even think of making anyone else happy.

Which explains why i have always end up hurting the people i love the most. Because they expect things from me that i cannot give since i do not possess them. And while i try to exonerate myself saying it is their own fault for having expectations in the first place, sometimes, just sometimes, i wish for a drop of kindness in me.

And i am drinking juice that is beyond the best-before-date. Why, i don't know. Do i expect to find that elusive drop in 'expired' juice? i am so fit for the loony bin.

Life ...or the lack of it

The view from the window has changed. From trees well-clothed to naked ones shivering in the wind. And i wonder whether the branches are happy to be alone for some months without the weight of the leaves clinging to them like responsibilities. Or whether they miss them, their whisperings and dancing..And i wonder why i try to read too much into things that just might have no meaning.

Talked to SC after such a long time. Times were when we spent more time with each other then our respective life partners. i miss the corner of the project room that we had reserved for ourselves when we moved into the new building. We used to sit next to each other and gossip like two old ladies. And fight like cats and dogs. i miss the way we used to bully the kids, rag them till they begged for mercy. Oh such wicked souls we were and i hope we still are. Before leaving, i told him to keep my cubicle intact for me in case i come back and rejoined. i forgot to ask him whether it still is empty or whether someone has been allocated to it.

And i am not on talking terms with him. Which is difficult since it is one way. It started off with a small tiff and since i do so love being bitchy, i decided to see through him. He, being so good natured and all that, was cool after a few days. But not me. No, no. Since i have a propensity of bearing grudges (albeit for a short time - if there is anything like bearing a short-term grudge), i ignored all of his advances to bury the hatchet or whatever it is that we are supposed to bury. But i am not yet unsalvageable - i was good enough to point out by pantomiming that he had missed a call when he was in the other room. Of course, i could not ruin my hard earned reputation as a bitch by going over and handing him the phone when it rang.

i wonder whether i would be able to take over the reins in hell.