The year that was

It was a good year for me. It saw me finally being able to cut the umblical cord and bid farewell to a company that had been my cherished home for more than eight years, to relinguish my position as the resident hag. It saw me welcome someone into my life and who has now become the light of my world. It saw me shift base to a land of gloomy weather. It saw me start doing something i have always wanted to, for a change.

The year flew on wings and ended even before i noticed it what with my preoccupation with life. i am still short of patience, still haunted by dark thoughts, still a long way from being perfect. But i live with the undying hope that tomorrow will always dawn for me.

i hope to be able to write more this year, to shake off the ennui that settles on my mind every now and then and to live like tomorrow will never dawn for me. Amen

thoughts gone into hiding

Do thoughts hibernate in winter? These days, i do less of thinking, which is nice for a change. Sometimes, it can be quite annoying having your thoughts chasing each other around in your head like noisy children playing tag.

Or could it be that i have finally realised the futility of it all? ummm...

The days are shorter now, the weather gloomier. i forget to think, to fret. Would this nice season last? i wonder.

i need to buy some more books. i need to fill this vacuum inside my head. Till the thoughts come out from their dank corners to torment me again, i need something else to occupy myself.

While i pretty much enjoy the fact that i am a bad person most of the time, sometimes i wish i was able to see a bit beyond myself, if only for the sake of the few people in life i love. Which makes me wonder whether i am mellowing with age. A thought that makes me uncomfortable.

i am very selfish. It is a fact. i could not have inherited it from my mother because she is someone who is so giving, so kind in spite of the hardship life has thrown at her. It cannot be from my father either because he too is generous, sometimes too much for his (and our) own good . Well, from whichever gene pool i inherited it from, i am saddled with it. Though it is not something i am ashamed of. i am selfish because, well, i don't know why exactly.

But sometimes, when my selfishness gets in the way of the happiness of those i hold close to me, it saddens my heart (oh yes, i do possess one even though it is black).

Sometimes, i do envy those who seem to find happiness in other's happiness. Something i feel i am incapable of. You see i have to be happy myself for me to even think of making anyone else happy.

Which explains why i have always end up hurting the people i love the most. Because they expect things from me that i cannot give since i do not possess them. And while i try to exonerate myself saying it is their own fault for having expectations in the first place, sometimes, just sometimes, i wish for a drop of kindness in me.

And i am drinking juice that is beyond the best-before-date. Why, i don't know. Do i expect to find that elusive drop in 'expired' juice? i am so fit for the loony bin.

Life ...or the lack of it

The view from the window has changed. From trees well-clothed to naked ones shivering in the wind. And i wonder whether the branches are happy to be alone for some months without the weight of the leaves clinging to them like responsibilities. Or whether they miss them, their whisperings and dancing..And i wonder why i try to read too much into things that just might have no meaning.

Talked to SC after such a long time. Times were when we spent more time with each other then our respective life partners. i miss the corner of the project room that we had reserved for ourselves when we moved into the new building. We used to sit next to each other and gossip like two old ladies. And fight like cats and dogs. i miss the way we used to bully the kids, rag them till they begged for mercy. Oh such wicked souls we were and i hope we still are. Before leaving, i told him to keep my cubicle intact for me in case i come back and rejoined. i forgot to ask him whether it still is empty or whether someone has been allocated to it.

And i am not on talking terms with him. Which is difficult since it is one way. It started off with a small tiff and since i do so love being bitchy, i decided to see through him. He, being so good natured and all that, was cool after a few days. But not me. No, no. Since i have a propensity of bearing grudges (albeit for a short time - if there is anything like bearing a short-term grudge), i ignored all of his advances to bury the hatchet or whatever it is that we are supposed to bury. But i am not yet unsalvageable - i was good enough to point out by pantomiming that he had missed a call when he was in the other room. Of course, i could not ruin my hard earned reputation as a bitch by going over and handing him the phone when it rang.

i wonder whether i would be able to take over the reins in hell.

and the valley was really green.....

It has been a long time since i read a book and not wanted to reach the last page for fear of losing the pleasure of sinking into the words. And such a book was "how green was my valley"...

Sometimes the written words takes me to places i probably would never go. i could almost hear the nightingales singing. So heart-warming a story, so elegantly written. It somehow reminded me of "to kill a mockingbird". Maybe it was the way both the stories touched my cold heart.

And my heart is glad to know this is but the first of a series of four books. So i will be hunting for the next three -Up, into the singing mountain; Down where the moon is small and Green, green my valley now.

And on a completely different (and bitchy) note, it tickles me pink sometimes to read the news on e-pao.net because whoever is reporting seems to think big and difficult words make for an impressive article/report (and the usage and grammar making me wonder whether there is no editor for that news service). Yeah, i am snobbish. But i just wish they realise that there is elegance in simplicity. No offence meant to the site though because i rely on it for news on what is going on in the valley of mine that was also once green.