Friday, September 12, 2008
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Am having big moths (butterflies are too beautiful to be inside anyone’s anatomy) in my stomach. The antakshri competition. Such is my confidence that i am sure we would be the team with the lowest score. i am have been trying to remember songs – like yesterday night, seeing me stare at the ceiling mumbling something, he asked me “are you trying to remember songs?’. i am so sure we are going to lose. i know old songs but am at a complete loss when it comes to the new ones. i am so out of touch – like a dinosaur. Which begs the question why i decided to participate in the first place. Because i am a sadist.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
--there she blows again
The clouds parted a bit. And a bit of sunshine filtered into my life. Of course, i could do without it since i seem to prefer darkness more than light! He has been sweet, trying his best to draw me out from wherever it is that i withdraw into after every fight. i have been sulky – i told you I don’t give up gracefully! i am the type who would bite off the opponent’s ear rather than lose gracefully. i have not bitten off any part of his body though i am seriously tempted to do so at times!
i keep wondering whether other couples fight as we do. Do they also go through this phase of fight-make up-be friends-fight again? Do they also spend the whole night fighting? And go to sleep in each other’s arms exhausted after the fight? Or maybe they are understand each other and don’t let small things get under their skin.
Is it human nature to let one small fight fog up all the good times we have had together? We concentrate more on the bitter memories than the better ones. Grudges pile up and one day - boom. Something just ignites the whole pile and it explodes in your face and leaves you wishing you had never fallen in love.
But it is not so easy to fall out of love either. Somehow we tend to think of the effort, the years we have invested in something rather than think about the days to come.
When i watch him sleep, my heart melts. i know what we have is worth saving.
It is just that sometimes, i get so witchy and bitchy and i want to lift him up and smash him to the ground – like Krishna did to his kansa mama. i am glad i am petite. If i had been like built like Hidimba, i cannot imagine the havoc i would have created. If there is anything like reincarnation, i want to be an elephant the next time around. Either that or a black widow spider.
i keep wondering whether other couples fight as we do. Do they also go through this phase of fight-make up-be friends-fight again? Do they also spend the whole night fighting? And go to sleep in each other’s arms exhausted after the fight? Or maybe they are understand each other and don’t let small things get under their skin.
Is it human nature to let one small fight fog up all the good times we have had together? We concentrate more on the bitter memories than the better ones. Grudges pile up and one day - boom. Something just ignites the whole pile and it explodes in your face and leaves you wishing you had never fallen in love.
But it is not so easy to fall out of love either. Somehow we tend to think of the effort, the years we have invested in something rather than think about the days to come.
When i watch him sleep, my heart melts. i know what we have is worth saving.
It is just that sometimes, i get so witchy and bitchy and i want to lift him up and smash him to the ground – like Krishna did to his kansa mama. i am glad i am petite. If i had been like built like Hidimba, i cannot imagine the havoc i would have created. If there is anything like reincarnation, i want to be an elephant the next time around. Either that or a black widow spider.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
weepy wednesday
Din kaal bhalo jache na amar.
Yesterday, i stayed up till 5. We stayed up till 5. Arguing, flinging barbs, accusations. And finally making up. It is tiring, mentally, emotionally and physically. And i kept wondering what i was doing. It is like being caught in a web. i struggle to free myself but i get more entangled. This is definitely not healthy. Is it because we are so in love with each other that we end up hurting each other? Or is it because all the love has evaporated in the heat of our fights? i don’t know. And i don’t want to know.
Sometimes, we make mistakes. In the choices we make. What is the best option – to undo the choice or face the consequences of our choice? i have always believed in paying for my choices. Now, i wonder whether i have not paid enough already. i know i would be happy all by myself too. Maybe happier than what i am now. But it is so hard to let go. So hard. So fucking hard that i bleed all over.
He said he thinks it would work. If only we tried. Maybe we expect so much from each other. Expectations. i know expectations is the root cause of our unhappiness. i know it. But still, i can’t stop myself sometimes from saving myself from expectations.
hee hee hee...i am tickled pink because i am so melodramatic! i should have been in Ekta kapoor's soaps wearing designer sari without blouse and making faces, crying bucketful of tears over husbands who would die and spring back to life again. Why am i wasting my talent coding?!! My tears would earn me more. And i would not have to use glycerine too.
Yesterday, i stayed up till 5. We stayed up till 5. Arguing, flinging barbs, accusations. And finally making up. It is tiring, mentally, emotionally and physically. And i kept wondering what i was doing. It is like being caught in a web. i struggle to free myself but i get more entangled. This is definitely not healthy. Is it because we are so in love with each other that we end up hurting each other? Or is it because all the love has evaporated in the heat of our fights? i don’t know. And i don’t want to know.
Sometimes, we make mistakes. In the choices we make. What is the best option – to undo the choice or face the consequences of our choice? i have always believed in paying for my choices. Now, i wonder whether i have not paid enough already. i know i would be happy all by myself too. Maybe happier than what i am now. But it is so hard to let go. So hard. So fucking hard that i bleed all over.
He said he thinks it would work. If only we tried. Maybe we expect so much from each other. Expectations. i know expectations is the root cause of our unhappiness. i know it. But still, i can’t stop myself sometimes from saving myself from expectations.
hee hee hee...i am tickled pink because i am so melodramatic! i should have been in Ekta kapoor's soaps wearing designer sari without blouse and making faces, crying bucketful of tears over husbands who would die and spring back to life again. Why am i wasting my talent coding?!! My tears would earn me more. And i would not have to use glycerine too.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
...and so does tuesday
The mood is no better than yesterday. But i am past caring. Or at least, i am pretending not to care. Which i am good at – i mean pretence. i could pretend i am hurt when my soul is somersaulting inside in joy. i could pretend i am happy when my heart is being broken into smithereens. Maybe this world is pretence. We go through it taking it for real.
Maybe i have crossed into the other world. Or hanging somewhere in between sanity and insanity.
Please tell me whether the moon is waxing or waning.
Maybe i have crossed into the other world. Or hanging somewhere in between sanity and insanity.
Please tell me whether the moon is waxing or waning.
Monday, September 08, 2008
monday hates me
i don’t know whether it is the Monday sickness or whatever that is plaguing my soul. i feel sad. Unhappy. Disgruntled with life. i don’t want to code. Or even nag the kids – i am that depressed! i didn’t even go for the morning adda-cum-tea break.
Every passing day seems to highlight the fact that life is passing me by. Or i am passing life by. Whatever. It is like i feel i don’t want anything more. i just want to sleep it off. Sleep, dream and sleep some more. i sound like a seriously depressed person who needs to be on Prozac. Maybe i am one. Or maybe my hormones are acting up again.
Here i am, whining again. If i were not so much in love with myself, i would hate this trait of mine. i am seemingly so good at spouting pearls of wisdom when it comes to other people’s lives. When it comes to my own, in spite of my oh-i-am-so-clever attitude, i falter and stumble and stub whatever can be stubbed.
Maybe this is what they call disenchantment with the mayavi duniya. Maybe i am finally ready to renounce this world. All i want now is just to be alone. With a book for company. And i don’t even want the wireless connection. Oh, i am getting so close.
Of course, tomorrow might see me in a different mood. Maybe i would be ready to conquer the world. Or maybe i would have sunk deeper into depression and ready to renounce even my books. i am so f***** fickle that it makes me love myself even more!
Every passing day seems to highlight the fact that life is passing me by. Or i am passing life by. Whatever. It is like i feel i don’t want anything more. i just want to sleep it off. Sleep, dream and sleep some more. i sound like a seriously depressed person who needs to be on Prozac. Maybe i am one. Or maybe my hormones are acting up again.
Here i am, whining again. If i were not so much in love with myself, i would hate this trait of mine. i am seemingly so good at spouting pearls of wisdom when it comes to other people’s lives. When it comes to my own, in spite of my oh-i-am-so-clever attitude, i falter and stumble and stub whatever can be stubbed.
Maybe this is what they call disenchantment with the mayavi duniya. Maybe i am finally ready to renounce this world. All i want now is just to be alone. With a book for company. And i don’t even want the wireless connection. Oh, i am getting so close.
Of course, tomorrow might see me in a different mood. Maybe i would be ready to conquer the world. Or maybe i would have sunk deeper into depression and ready to renounce even my books. i am so f***** fickle that it makes me love myself even more!
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